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Original poster

I know this is so spiteful but here goes…

95 replies

Tryoj · 10/08/2022 13:11

I’ve had a shit few years. Work, heartbreak, abusive ex, abortion, single mum. It’s been hell. Meanwhile my siblings have happily got married and bought beautiful homes, friends have progressed etc

My life isn’t awful and I’m getting there now but would love to be on the other side for a change… will problems ever happen for these other people?! It’s not that I wish something awful on them but I just feel so left out and ostrichised sometimes. Like they don’t understand what it’s like to have challenges in any form. I know I sound horrible.

OP posts:
ShahRukhKhan · 10/08/2022 14:55

I also get it OP. It is a feeling that if other people were also having bad luck, then you wouldnt feel so singled out and unfortunate. Of course the best thing would be if we could have the good luck others seem to have! I don't think you should beat yourself up for this, it is human nature to compare with others and for their good fortune to highlight your lack. As long as you aren't going round being actively horrible or smashing their windows etc, its just one of those things.

longtompot · 10/08/2022 14:58

The grass isn't always greener on the other side. They probably have their own troubles, and maybe even wonder how you've managed to keep going despite all the things you've been through, that they couldn't do it.
Don't wish ill on them, look at the positives of what you do have and build on them

Goatinthegarden · 10/08/2022 14:59

I don’t believe in karma, but there’s definitely something that doesn’t seem right about wishing ill on others. People rarely have perfect lives, but rather good and bad periods.

My mum, for example, had a bit of a rough childhood and a failed first marriage in her twenties. Ended up penniless and a single mum to two. She met my dad and had 30 incredible years, lovely house, great holidays, very happy. His last ten years, she cared for him full time, still had a nice house, they were still very much in love. Now my dad is dead and she’s a widow in her late 60s whilst her friends are retiring with their husbands and going off travelling. Is she bitter? No, she is incredibly sad, but she’s grateful for what she did have and is looking to find happiness in different ways.

Some people do get an easier ride than others, but your life won’t be improved by others experiencing misery. I hope things improve for you.

needsomepeace321 · 10/08/2022 15:00

I get it OP. Compared to my friends I've had a huge amount of hardship and most of my close friends have sailed through life so far. It's just the unfairness of it all that gets to you, it doesn't mean you're actively wishing for bad things to happen.

I have had periods of feeling bitter but the bad stuff doesn't last forever, you will come out of it and have happier times.

Counselling helped me a lot.

Wearefoooked22 · 10/08/2022 15:04

There is someone worse of than you,
there is someone better off than you,

Thats what I tell myself.

EternalPoinsettia · 10/08/2022 15:06

I don't blame you for having those feelings, if it is alongside continuing to work to improve your own life. Allow yourself a moment to wallow occasionally, then give yourself a talking to and carry on. It sounds normal to me, ignore pp being plain nasty to you for having a very human reaction to difficulty

drinkallthecoffee · 10/08/2022 15:06

Op, I completely understand.

My life is shit. Everyone around me appears to be having a good time.

Of course we know we can't see behind closed doors. But at least they outwardly have a good life. I can't even do that.

I can't even fool people that I'm having a good time.

So I get you OP xx

IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 10/08/2022 15:07

Seriously OP, comparison is the thief of joy, so try to focus on what YOU have. Easier said than done, I know.

As an aside, as much as I LOVE ostrichised as a verb, I think you meant ostracised. I'm actually taken aback at how similar the spelling is 😂

Original poster
Tryoj · 10/08/2022 15:09

thanks for the posts, I know im being terrible I’m so aware of it. It’s not a nice trait at all.

Yes the spelling was unfortunate 😂

OP posts:
WrongWayApricot · 10/08/2022 15:15

Imreallysnowedunder · 10/08/2022 14:51

Why would you say something like that, @WrongWayApricot ?

I mean, is it meant to be funny, or just spiteful?

@Imreallysnowedunder I meant it sincerely, no funny or spiteful intentions.

Soonberaining · 10/08/2022 15:19

I felt somewhat like you do. My life was screwed. Abusive XH, next partner left me holding the baby. He ran off the day I came home with DC. I had to take on three jobs to pay the mortgage and keep my ancient car running, which got stolen. I worked unsocial hours for the NHS and felt thwarted at every turn.

I had to sell my lovely home and buy a doer-upper and me and the DC camped in it for a long time until it was liveable. My mum dropped dead.
I then got together with a man I though was the one. He dumped me with a note through the letterbox.

I was so envious of my friends who appeared to have an easier life. My best friend, also a single mum, met someone and was married in six months. I honestly thought that my life would be hard forever.

When I least expected it I met the love of my life. He took on my children, my pets and has been good and kind. We've never had a bad word.

OP, don't give up. You could be close to having your life turn out for the better. I did.

Ilovemycat1 · 10/08/2022 15:21

Soonberaining · 10/08/2022 15:19

I felt somewhat like you do. My life was screwed. Abusive XH, next partner left me holding the baby. He ran off the day I came home with DC. I had to take on three jobs to pay the mortgage and keep my ancient car running, which got stolen. I worked unsocial hours for the NHS and felt thwarted at every turn.

I had to sell my lovely home and buy a doer-upper and me and the DC camped in it for a long time until it was liveable. My mum dropped dead.
I then got together with a man I though was the one. He dumped me with a note through the letterbox.

I was so envious of my friends who appeared to have an easier life. My best friend, also a single mum, met someone and was married in six months. I honestly thought that my life would be hard forever.

When I least expected it I met the love of my life. He took on my children, my pets and has been good and kind. We've never had a bad word.

OP, don't give up. You could be close to having your life turn out for the better. I did.

My heart ❤️

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 10/08/2022 15:22

I know it isn’t a nice trait. But I spend my whole life being nice and thoughtful to others etc and it still seems like everyone else gets all the good luck and I don’t.

My ex was such a jammy bastard, he never got any bad consequences for anything he did.

He argued with his boss once, flipped his desk over in a rage, and nothing happened, except everyone learned not to upset him. Another time he called his manager a prick and walked away with a pay rise. He got caught speeding - 100mph - and walked away without so much as a fine because the police officer wasn’t a traffic cop so didn’t process it as an offence. He had issues with building regs on his house, so it was going to cost him a lot to get it sorted before he could sell it, and one day a neighbour who is a builder literally knocked on his door and asked to buy his house.

It used to really frustrate me that I was battling through life worrying about money and security and work stresses etc and he never seemed to have anything major go wrong for him, even when he behaved badly.

He never locked his house up and regularly left valuables in his car. I’ve had attempted break ins and we’ve both had our cars broken into but it happened to be a night he hadn’t left a laptop or a load of expensive sports equipment in his boot.

Occasionally I would wish that he’d be burgled just to show him why I was so paranoid about security etc. never having experienced the consequences of leaving doors unlocked or valuables on show, he displayed a shocking lack of empathy when I found he’d left keys in doors or the front door wide open. The one time he did have anything stolen he managed to blag his insurance company and got a full new price cash payout, so replaced it all with better newer things.

Im also jealous of my siblings for having spouses and second homes and lots of money, while I'm a single parent on a low income.

I know it won’t necessarily make my life any better but I totally get wishing they’d experience some of it to make them a bit more understanding of my situation.

Original poster
Tryoj · 10/08/2022 15:24

@Soonberaining that made me cry! I’m so glad you are happy now. Thwarted at every turn is how I feel. I absolutely can’t imagine meeting anyone who will love me and dc, I sort of feel like that’s a ship that has sailed for me now.

when I think back over the last four years they have been so horribly traumatic. Horrendously so. it’s not so much I wish that on others it’s that it’s a lonely place to be when everyone close to you seems to just enjoy life with no drama. I’ve genuinely wondered if I caused the drama and perhaps I did at times. That’s something I’ve worked hard to keep a lid on and stay away from people who bring out the worst in me.

OP posts:
MissyCooperismyShero · 10/08/2022 15:25

You do sound horrible yes. Bad stuff happens to every single person. You have no idea about the state of other people's lives.

gotelltheoldmandowntheroad · 10/08/2022 15:26

You're concentrating on hurting others? Come on now. That is not why all the bad things happened to you, but if you carry on focusing on why others can't be brought down to your level, instead of why you can't bring yourself up to theirs, then problems will begin to arise from that and you will only have yourself to blame.

What you've been through is awful. I get you because even small things when happening all at once can really spiral you out of control.

I went through similar, no abortion, which must be very taxing emotionally, but things like housing issues, parental issues, relationship issues, that all compounded to send me into a literal nervous breakdown.

When I came out of it I didn't look around and ask 'why can't others suffer like me' instead I asked 'how can I get my life back on track?'

Now my life was waaaay off track. I was doing bad things to cope, I could have gone so far as to end my own life with what I was doing.

Today I'm living a life that I am truly enjoying every single day. I am thankful for what I have. I have a home, it's all mine, I work again and am good at what I do, I am married!!! Okay that all sounds benign but it really isn't for someone like me.

How did I turn my life around so drastically?

I concentrated on me, not others.

Fushiadreams · 10/08/2022 15:30

By “these people” do you mean your siblings. ??

Ilovemycat1 · 10/08/2022 15:35

I think many of the messages here OP are correct
You put the focus back on improving yourself

Meditation, excercising and self care
Less of the comparison with others

Soonberaining · 10/08/2022 15:40

Tryoj · 10/08/2022 15:24

@Soonberaining that made me cry! I’m so glad you are happy now. Thwarted at every turn is how I feel. I absolutely can’t imagine meeting anyone who will love me and dc, I sort of feel like that’s a ship that has sailed for me now.

when I think back over the last four years they have been so horribly traumatic. Horrendously so. it’s not so much I wish that on others it’s that it’s a lonely place to be when everyone close to you seems to just enjoy life with no drama. I’ve genuinely wondered if I caused the drama and perhaps I did at times. That’s something I’ve worked hard to keep a lid on and stay away from people who bring out the worst in me.

I totally understand. I thought it was me. I had believed I was a good person, but circumstances were so awful that I thought there must be something really wrong with me that I hadn't realised.

People told me that life wouldn't always be so awful. I didn't believe them for one minute.

My DH is making me a cup of tea as I write. He is everything I wanted. Please believe me, it's not always going to be like this.

Original poster
Tryoj · 10/08/2022 15:45

@Soonberaining thank you so much. It’s my absolute dream to have a loving relationship. I genuinely can’t imagine it, especially now I have DC. Making a tea and just being together, sounds wonderful. 😊

OP posts:
TheLeadbetterLife · 10/08/2022 15:51

Tryoj · 10/08/2022 15:09

thanks for the posts, I know im being terrible I’m so aware of it. It’s not a nice trait at all.

Yes the spelling was unfortunate 😂

I genuinely love it.

KatharineofAragon · 10/08/2022 16:29

My sister I realised fairly recently has always been very jealous of me. From the outside my life probably seemed pretty great to her. However we had all sorts of struggles she knew nothing about. When she did find out about some of them, she was very unsupportive.
Dont waste your time in envy and jealousy. Until you walk in another persons shoes you just don’t know what they are struggling with. Work on your own life. Comparison is the thief of joy.

Somethingsnappy · 10/08/2022 16:31

Footbal · 10/08/2022 14:54

Looks like you got what you deserved judging by your post.

ODFOD. Here's hoping you get what you deserve though...

KatharineofAragon · 10/08/2022 16:33

gotelltheoldmandowntheroad · 10/08/2022 15:26

You're concentrating on hurting others? Come on now. That is not why all the bad things happened to you, but if you carry on focusing on why others can't be brought down to your level, instead of why you can't bring yourself up to theirs, then problems will begin to arise from that and you will only have yourself to blame.

What you've been through is awful. I get you because even small things when happening all at once can really spiral you out of control.

I went through similar, no abortion, which must be very taxing emotionally, but things like housing issues, parental issues, relationship issues, that all compounded to send me into a literal nervous breakdown.

When I came out of it I didn't look around and ask 'why can't others suffer like me' instead I asked 'how can I get my life back on track?'

Now my life was waaaay off track. I was doing bad things to cope, I could have gone so far as to end my own life with what I was doing.

Today I'm living a life that I am truly enjoying every single day. I am thankful for what I have. I have a home, it's all mine, I work again and am good at what I do, I am married!!! Okay that all sounds benign but it really isn't for someone like me.

How did I turn my life around so drastically?

I concentrated on me, not others.

Very good advice. Jealous people often sit around moaning about their lot but don’t see that it’s up to them to change things. There is always a way.

RufustheFloralmissingreindeer · 10/08/2022 16:36

I’m in a book club, a year or two ago during one of our chats i commented that it was a bit like an episode of eastenders when it came to our children and ourselves

cancer, suicide, anorexia, ME, rape, sexual assault, anxiety, depression, struggling with ‘gender’ issues and more

all of us are married, have a decent standard of living, children who for the most part do very well at school with behaviour and have good results

youd never know about any of that to look at us, and we generally wouldn’t talk about it