What would you do - colleague spreading unfounded rumour

[Namenty]

I was told two weeks ago that a colleague started a rumour that I am having an affair with a married colleague, I’m single.

I can categorically state I am not, and never have, had an affair with this man (or anything else with this man).

When it came to my attention (another colleague was kind enough to tell me) I went to her manager and said what I had heard and that it was completely untrue and she needed to stop. Her manager said she would speak with her.

A new employee started two days ago. TWO DAYS and today said to me that she had been told the same thing by this colleague, again that I am having an affair with this man. Apparently shared in the coffee room at lunch time.

Part of me (the sensible part who would like to remain employed) wants to escalate to her manager again,

The other part (raised in a very rough household and estate which I dragged up myself up from) wants to wait until we are alone and explain to her very clearly why I’m not the one to be fucked with 😡

It doesn’t feel like bullying so I’m not going to claim that but this bitch is now messing with my career and I’m done.

Thoughts?!

I have no idea why pp are saying don’t escalate to HR. If the malicious colleague continues, HR will definitely turn around and say ‘why didn’t you say something sooner?’

Im sure your company has a mission statement, company handbook, charter, code of conduct or something of the sort. In that there will definitely be a bit about harassment/bullying/conduct in the workplace. What your colleague (who has waaay too much time on her hands, clearly!) is doing is unbecoming of a collaborative member of a professional workplace, which is causing you stress and anxiety. The moment you link her behaviour to your health (mental or otherwise OR you link her bad behaviour to your company policy/handbook etc, HR have a legal obligation (as your employer) to sort it out.

ask your company what they are goin to do about it; put the obligation onto them and make it clear that you’re not taking matters into your hands (in case lying colleague continues to make up stories). So linked to this: as much as I also would wanna slap up this person in running their mouth, it truly isn’t worth it. She may report you/escalate this to police etc and you really don’t want to go down that route.

yes it’s annoying this is happening and it’s even more so that the dude isn’t saying anything - but please let’s be real, OP is a woman and we almost always come out looking worse in such stories.

''@GratefulMe Going to HR will really not make you look any better, what exactly are they supposed to do?'' ''you look like you're enjoying it a bit too much IMO.''

What are they supposed to do? about doing their job? which includes starting disciplinary action against staff members who are bullying/harassing others in the workplace.

The OP is perfectly correct to make an official complaint about this.

As for your second comment, nice bit of victim blaming...I am pretty sure no one ''enjoys'' being the victim of slander.

I'd have went with option 2 in the first place quite honestly.

Agree with PP re report in writing to HR. Then if anyone mentions it to you again you can say loudly 'ah that bullshit, I have reported her to HR for making untruthful, slanderous remarks about me and mr X, they are dealing with it as a disciplinary matter with her' .

Shows you are dealing with it seriously and professionally and that you won't tolerate others spreading the stupid story. Hopefully will killl it stone dead (whether HR action it correctly or not).

Has mr X been aware of what's going on? Maybe he can complain to HR as well, I'm sure his wife would be hopping mad too.

Some people are just nuts.

Take it to HR.
Formalise it.

That'll learn her.

The problem is the more you say you aren’t the more it sounds like you’re lying! No smoke without fire bullshit

I don't think that's true. People having affairs don't deal with things in a very open way.

I would write to her manager citing the grievance/bullying policy and asking for a formal process to be followed. I would also do as PP recommend and mention the effects of this bullying on your MH.

I would copy in the bloke she's including in this lie. I would also copy her in.

I would be very clear that she's made this lie up, that she is the only person spreading it and that she's already been informally asked to stop. Be specific in naming the people she's told.

If you obfuscate the nasty nature of this in order to seem kind or laid back it will make it easier for your employer to ignore it. Be completely factual and treat it as a professional issue- no one will be under any illusion it might be true if you do this.

Its Slander.

Get it to HR again. That's where it will hurt the most anyway

File note.

You need to write down exactly (or as close as you can remember) what was said to you today, by whom - make sure it is dated etc.

Do this from now on if it continues happening.

Like PPs, I also suggest you write to HR/your manager today to inform them of what has happened. Try to stay as calm/formal as possible, but ask them to take action, as this is inappropriate and you request that they take action to stop it immediately.

Be completely professional in your interactions with her/as usual with everyone. Don't change your behaviour at all.

Document, document, document.

OK, if you say so, but ba k in the real world....

It's only slander if it's not true. If colleague has said "you'll never guess what, I saw OP getting out of MM car, nudge nudge", that's not slander. Even if it were more than that slander is notoriously difficult to prove. Libel is different.

No, she didn't just say she saw her getting out of his car. She said they are sleeping together. The car incident is just the reason she thinks that.

Professional reputation is very important in many careers.

As for people saying 'well what are HR meant to do about it?'

Their fucking job, that's what.

These screengrabs are on the ACAS site.

you don’t have to be aggressive with her just ask her why is she telling everyone you’re having an affair? When you’re not. Hopefully she’ll be embarrassed

It is simple- you need to put things in writing. You send an email to her manager cc HR saying you are concerned by the ongoing rumours spread by your colleagues and the reputation al damage caused. You refer to the conversation you had with the manager and mention the fact the colleague in question continues to spread this unfounded accusations to the new staff. You finish with the action point on their side to resolve the matter as a priority.

I would personally confront her (the rumour-spreading colleague) in front of people and horribly embarrass her, but the correct route is to get HR to do their job.

OP, a very similar thing happened to me. I was promoted and a colleague was telling all and sundry (but interestingly not colleagues I was friends with) that I was only promoted because I'd slept with the man who promoted me. I went to my manager, told them, said it was lies, was undermining my reputation etc etc. I said I would escalate if it wasn't dealt with. The rumour spreader was spoken to, it never happened again.

It's far better to keep things professional, don't speak to her about it.

I'd go with option 2 but that's just me 😂😂

The corporate world has changed post #MeToo.

If this manager is still employed I would go to HR to have an initial off-record confidential conversation. Characters like him have form and they might well be building a case against him.

It might be cathartic for you. Corporates can’t afford to sweep under the carpet to protect an individual.

I personally would:

Raise with HR
Speak to the person spreading this rumour and ask them to stop but also tell them you've raised this as a HR issue
Slander is very difficult and costly to prove, legally, forget that route.

I don't think I've had this issue before but a friend of mine had this in her current job - one person was accusing her of having an affair with someone she'd never have an affair with for various reasons. Turns out the accuser was the one having the affair with the other person (does that make sense?!).

My friend ignored it but it escalated into bullying which has sort of/never gone away. HR sadly in her case ignored it all.

Don't try to confront her. She can twist this into you bullying her/you being the aggressor.

Go direct to HR with this because it IS a form of harassment and is slander as well as being really unprofessional. You tried to have it dealt with informally via her manager and she didn't take the warning so now you go big guns and lodge a formal complaint against her.

This type of slander can and will affect your career. Don't sit on it any longer or give her any more chances.

Email your manager, her manager and HR telling them that people are coming to you letting you know this, that this is absolutelly untrue and it is stressing you and you wish for it to stop.

I was indeed thinking this could be a roundabout way of putting pressure on Mr Married Man.
At the end of it, he may be questioned, hear the rumours.... you know...

Go to HR. Get the other party to go to HR too.

Gossipy needs to learn to keep her yap shut.

This is absolutely bullying. Please report again and stay very factual. Not because it's a factual situation but because this is your best chance for having this impact her.

This happened to me several years ago. A woman started to spread rumours that my boss and I were having an affair - completely untrue. I think it came from the fact that I used to work for boss in one company - he then moved to another and 2 years later I moved to the new company to work for him. But actually there was a role available and he felt I would be suited to asked me to apply if I was interested. I liked working for him and it was promotion - and I was successful.

So, I booked a small meeting room and invited her. I calmly told her that I was talking to her privately because I understood from several colleagues that she had told them that I and boss were having an affair and that it was completely untrue. I also wouldn't divulge the names of those that had told me, and said I was giving her chance to stop before I went to HR about it. She blustered, denied it a lot, went very red, never admitted it - but never did it again.

If you do this it's of paramount important to remain calm, prepare what you want to say well, not discuss further about who said what and when, but take the approach of I'm not arguing, not talking about circumstances, just letting you know that if you, or whoever, continues to spread this rumour I will go to your boss and HR again.

Have you spoken to the colleague you’re meant to be shagging?