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Original poster

3rd child age gap (1 & 2 less than 2 years apart, then 4 year gap) is it good?

82 replies

Mum2HC · 08/08/2022 09:29

Hello

I have a 3 and 5 year old, we have been going around in circles for a year about having a 3rd.
i am just 33, husband just 35. We have a great life, v v lucky financially, have space both self employed and v flexible jobs. We all get on great, obviously with the usually family life arguments and stresses thrown in.

why can we not commit to having a 3rd? We are worried it will mess everything we have up, but both imagine the larger family in the future. We are both 1 of 3.

i love the idea of having 1 to 1 baby time while both the others are at school/pre school. I had them both at home full time for the first year of second child’s life so this feels different!
Is a 4 year and 6 year age gap hard work as they get older? 18, 16 & 12 seems v different to 6, 4 and baby!

Would love to hear your views.

Can’t decide if we regret not going for it more than making everything harder!!

OP posts:
Ostryga · 10/08/2022 07:29

Things like this I always think what worst outcome would be and could I live with that? If you had a traumatic birth for example and had to cope with birth injuries/mental health with 3 kids. But I am naturally a worrier and sometimes it is easier to just get on with things and hope for the best!

TheOldLadyOfThreadneedleStreet · 10/08/2022 07:44

I’m a 3rd child, my older sibs are 5 and 7 years older than me. I had a happy childhood, though I was always the odd one out. My older sibs played together and some of my earliest memories are not being allowed to join in with them, though when they did let me I felt very grown up and important. I played alone a lot as a small child. My older sister was lovely and helped mother me a bit. My older brother wasn’t really very interested most the time. When my older sister got to about 14/15 she got a part time job and was out late (well late to a 7 year old) and I remember feeling lonely. My sister left home when I was 11 and my brother when I was 13. I was in effect an only child throughout secondary school, they both came home for holidays and Christmas / Easter but I found it hard to stay close to my sister, seeing her so infrequently. We are all on good terms as adults but not really very close. My brother and sister are much closer with each other and on occasions I can feel jealous about their bond.

ILookAtTheFloor · 10/08/2022 18:31

We had the same discussion when I was 33 and I took some convincing but then came around to the idea, and now can't get pregnant for love nor money. Well probably money but we don't want to spend out when we're already blessed with 2. The first 2 came super easily although I was in my twenties.

It's now 2 years on, one early miscarriage and coming around to the idea of not having that third. I've been really low about it but coming out of the other side now. Haven't had any testing, I suspect either Endo for me or low count for DH (he's 45). It sucks. We won't go back to contraception though, I guess there will always been a super slim chance of it happening.

So my advice would be go for it and don't dally.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Original poster
Mum2HC · 10/08/2022 20:07

ILookAtTheFloor · 10/08/2022 18:31

We had the same discussion when I was 33 and I took some convincing but then came around to the idea, and now can't get pregnant for love nor money. Well probably money but we don't want to spend out when we're already blessed with 2. The first 2 came super easily although I was in my twenties.

It's now 2 years on, one early miscarriage and coming around to the idea of not having that third. I've been really low about it but coming out of the other side now. Haven't had any testing, I suspect either Endo for me or low count for DH (he's 45). It sucks. We won't go back to contraception though, I guess there will always been a super slim chance of it happening.

So my advice would be go for it and don't dally.

I’m sorry this has happened for you. Hope you get a happy surprise one month if that is what you’re wanting still!

OP posts:
EllieQ · 10/08/2022 20:20

TheOldLadyOfThreadneedleStreet · 10/08/2022 07:44

I’m a 3rd child, my older sibs are 5 and 7 years older than me. I had a happy childhood, though I was always the odd one out. My older sibs played together and some of my earliest memories are not being allowed to join in with them, though when they did let me I felt very grown up and important. I played alone a lot as a small child. My older sister was lovely and helped mother me a bit. My older brother wasn’t really very interested most the time. When my older sister got to about 14/15 she got a part time job and was out late (well late to a 7 year old) and I remember feeling lonely. My sister left home when I was 11 and my brother when I was 13. I was in effect an only child throughout secondary school, they both came home for holidays and Christmas / Easter but I found it hard to stay close to my sister, seeing her so infrequently. We are all on good terms as adults but not really very close. My brother and sister are much closer with each other and on occasions I can feel jealous about their bond.

I have a very similar situation to you @TheOldLadyOfThreadneedleStreet - my sisters are 6 and 8 years older than me, and they have always been closer to each other than they are to me. Probably not helped by our parents spoiling/ babying me a bit compared to my sisters. I also felt like an only child as a teenager as they had both left home. It was lonely, and I used to long for a sister who was a similar age to me. Even now I still feel left out at times.

I’ve commented before on similar threads that that type of age gap isn’t great for the youngest, and been shouted down by parents insisting that their families won’t be like that, so it’s nice to know at least one other person had a similar experience to me.

CrabbyCat · 10/08/2022 21:19

I have a closer to gap to DC3 than it would be for you - 2 years 9 months. However, it's 4.5 years between DC1 and 3 so I do have experience of that age gap.

DC3 has just turned 3, and from him turning about 1 there's been a lot of compromising on what I can do with DC1 in particular. For example, we saw an advert for an outdoor musical targeted at kids today - we can't go because my youngest can't sit still that long. We struggle with playgrounds as my 7 year old is bored with toddler playgrounds but still needs some occasional help / supervision on playgrounds for older kids and I can't do that as I'm constantly chasing the youngest. The 7 year old wants to do puzzles, DC3 can't resist destroying his efforts...

I have a 4 year gap to one my sisters and I have a lot of memories of us playing together, so I suspect mine will get there as my youngest grows out of toddlerhood. However, whilst in the midst of it, it's a long 3-4 years!

Original poster
Mum2HC · 11/08/2022 08:42

It would seem there is no easy answer!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mum2HC · 01/09/2022 20:16

Still debating this and wondered if anyone has any more experience with this sort of age gap and how it worked out? 😊

OP posts:
starsinyourpies · 01/09/2022 20:30

We have that gap and it's amazing but also I do think on a fairly regular basis we are also idiots for going backwards as our lives were getting easier!

I wouldn't change it, my favourite thing is to see the kids all interact together and the love between them. For various reasons I was really sure about wanting three.

Shortkiwi · 01/09/2022 20:44

I had DD1 followed by DS 12 months later. I got broody when they went to school and had DD2 5 years after DS was born. It was very hard having the 2 eldest so close together as babies but I really enjoyed having precious time with the 3rd when the others went to school. They are all grown up now and are professional young adults living away from home. The older 2 were always protective of the youngest. They have all always got on well and the 2 girls are so close despite the 6 year age gap, like best friends really. My only regret is not having another child!

BumbleUnicorn · 01/09/2022 21:37

I have 2 children aged 6 and 3.5, with one remaining embryo in the freezer from our last IVF round. I haven’t read all the comments but a couple of reasons we won’t have a third (apart from going back to sleepless nights etc) is the small risk that a 3rd child might not be healthy and the impact that it would have on our existing healthy children & happy family life etc. The other consideration is just bringing a third child into the unstable world as it stands at the moment. These considerations may not be important to you, but thought you might like a different perspective.

Aworldofmyown · 01/09/2022 21:42

I have a 10 year and 6 year gap. I love it, loved having the third to myself.
Some things are tricky but I love the relationships they have.

Aworldofmyown · 01/09/2022 21:42

Did I say I loved it 😂

Ellyfinsmum · 01/09/2022 21:59

I am really new to it so I don’t really feel ‘qualified’! to answer as my dd is just 4 months old but I love it so far.

18 months between ds1 and 2 and then 3.5 years between ds2 and dd. It has been truly wonderful. Boys love the baby, are old enough to play together and not need me so intensely as they did when they were tiny. I’ve been able to really enjoy the newborn stage this time.

Original poster
Mum2HC · 02/09/2022 07:17

starsinyourpies · 01/09/2022 20:30

We have that gap and it's amazing but also I do think on a fairly regular basis we are also idiots for going backwards as our lives were getting easier!

I wouldn't change it, my favourite thing is to see the kids all interact together and the love between them. For various reasons I was really sure about wanting three.

Do you feel your youngest holds you back on activities you can do? How old are your children now?

OP posts:
starsinyourpies · 02/09/2022 08:49

@Mum2HC I don't think it holds us back but does make it harder to do things without both parents there I.e one to look after toddler one to help older DC with activity. DC are 8, 5.5, 20 months now. Also complications like dropping them in two different places before work is just logistically tricky.

I do look wistfully at friends who didn't have a third sometimes.

Dalaidramailama · 02/09/2022 09:23

OP I have 3 and commented ages ago on this thread but I have the feeling you’re never going to quite satisfied with peoples responses. You’re deliberating far, far too much which should tell you, you don’t actually want a 3rd deep down.

starsinyourpies · 02/09/2022 09:27

Dalaidramailama · 02/09/2022 09:23

OP I have 3 and commented ages ago on this thread but I have the feeling you’re never going to quite satisfied with peoples responses. You’re deliberating far, far too much which should tell you, you don’t actually want a 3rd deep down.

I agree, 3 DC is much harder than 2DC and if you aren't really sure I would hold off. Physically the recovery from birth and exhaustion levels were much harder for me this time round and I had a nanny then to look after the older ones too! Still bloody hard!

FirstAidKitNowPlease · 02/09/2022 09:28

I think your lack of decision on this is your answer. Something is holding you back and probably for a good reason.

Original poster
Mum2HC · 02/09/2022 10:40

I’m starting to think you might be right, as sad as it makes me!

OP posts:
Dalaidramailama · 02/09/2022 11:34

@starsinyourpies

I had my 3rd and last at age 26. For me it really was all fine but if I was deliberating as much as the OP then that is her answer.

What is the point in going for number 3 if you’re having this many doubts? Just be happy with 2 and move on 😊.

starsinyourpies · 02/09/2022 12:13

Dalaidramailama · 02/09/2022 11:34

@starsinyourpies

I had my 3rd and last at age 26. For me it really was all fine but if I was deliberating as much as the OP then that is her answer.

What is the point in going for number 3 if you’re having this many doubts? Just be happy with 2 and move on 😊.

My mistake was doing it substantially older!

Original poster
Mum2HC · 02/09/2022 16:46

Dalaidramailama · 02/09/2022 11:34

@starsinyourpies

I had my 3rd and last at age 26. For me it really was all fine but if I was deliberating as much as the OP then that is her answer.

What is the point in going for number 3 if you’re having this many doubts? Just be happy with 2 and move on 😊.

I’m going to try!!
i just hope I don’t carry on feeling like this for years

OP posts:
ermana · 06/09/2022 21:07

I’m going to try!!
i just hope I don’t carry on feeling like this for years

^^ @Mum2HC does this mean you're going to try for no.3? Or try to be happy with your two?

I've been following the thread as we are in the process of making a similar decision.

User1563 · 06/09/2022 21:14

I have this gap and my older two are really close. If I could I wouldnt have this much gap. I think the baby will be a bit lovely when grows up but I am definitely done and don’t want any more babies. I do feel for the little one at times as the older two are inseparable