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Original poster

3rd child age gap (1 & 2 less than 2 years apart, then 4 year gap) is it good?

82 replies

Mum2HC · 08/08/2022 09:29

Hello

I have a 3 and 5 year old, we have been going around in circles for a year about having a 3rd.
i am just 33, husband just 35. We have a great life, v v lucky financially, have space both self employed and v flexible jobs. We all get on great, obviously with the usually family life arguments and stresses thrown in.

why can we not commit to having a 3rd? We are worried it will mess everything we have up, but both imagine the larger family in the future. We are both 1 of 3.

i love the idea of having 1 to 1 baby time while both the others are at school/pre school. I had them both at home full time for the first year of second child’s life so this feels different!
Is a 4 year and 6 year age gap hard work as they get older? 18, 16 & 12 seems v different to 6, 4 and baby!

Would love to hear your views.

Can’t decide if we regret not going for it more than making everything harder!!

OP posts:
Chasingrainbows16 · 08/08/2022 20:47

And oh yes, the added illness! You're just multiplying the chance of illnesses being brought into the house, the length of time it lasts if eg a stomach bug goes around the whole house...

Dalaidramailama · 08/08/2022 20:48

@Chasingrainbows16

It works very well it’s just you can’t imagine it only having the two. My 12 year and 7 year old are always kicking a football about together in the garden, playing computer games together etc. Similar temperaments (both boys my middle is my girl).

Holidays are also not a problem we are not long back from Majorca where they all swam together. 5 years really isn’t a huge gap.

I get where you’re coming from though. I had my 3rd baby at 26 so I did feel sprightly enough. I’m 34 now and couldn’t be arsed.

Chasingrainbows16 · 08/08/2022 20:54

Dalaidramailama · 08/08/2022 20:48

@Chasingrainbows16

It works very well it’s just you can’t imagine it only having the two. My 12 year and 7 year old are always kicking a football about together in the garden, playing computer games together etc. Similar temperaments (both boys my middle is my girl).

Holidays are also not a problem we are not long back from Majorca where they all swam together. 5 years really isn’t a huge gap.

I get where you’re coming from though. I had my 3rd baby at 26 so I did feel sprightly enough. I’m 34 now and couldn’t be arsed.

Yeah, maybe it's partly an age thing, I was 33 and 35 when I had mine so after that I was just done!

I think sex can go either way though.. I have a girl and a boy and most of the time they are the best of friends (hope it lasts!) whereas my sister and I with similar age gap were less so!

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Families
Dalaidramailama · 08/08/2022 21:01

@Chasingrainbows16

I am sure it will last. Mine have their moments with each other but they all get on. I am also one of three with similar gaps with my siblings and as adults we also get on well (brother and sister).

My best friend has just had twins and the thought makes me shudder so yes possibly an age thing.

princessrapunzel · 08/08/2022 21:19

So coming from the perspective of the children i think its fine to have that age gap.
So theres 6 and 4 years between me and my brothers and although i remember times where i felt a bit left out as they would play alot together we would all get on pretty well and had lovely times together.

I did find with me and the eldest brother it being hard as he didnt want to come on family outings/holidays once he got 15/16 so i was only about 10 and it made me sad and when he left the family home. But now being adults we are very close and he supports me alot with any problems.

I had my friends around alot more when i was a teen and my brothers had their own lives but i think that naturally happens, especially being a girl aswell.

Id say go for it Grin

Original poster
Mum2HC · 08/08/2022 21:19

I wish I knew I was done, would make life easier!!

OP posts:
Dalaidramailama · 08/08/2022 21:22

@Mum2HC

Well I only got to the “I’m done” point after number 3. I mean I was done done. Thank god as I had a horrible feeling I was going to be one of those broody women forever. Nope… I’m not 😁.

Ellyfinsmum · 08/08/2022 21:26

I have an 18 month gap between my first two and then a 3.4 year gap which feels a lot bigger as I’m so used to a small gap! No words of wisdom as dd is only 14 weeks old but it has been great so far, she has fit right in and is adored by all of us.

Original poster
Mum2HC · 09/08/2022 07:07

I just don’t know how I will ever decide 🙈

OP posts:
RicStar · 09/08/2022 07:17

Ha! Well I wasn't sure we thought what the heck let's see what happens, what happened of course was dc3. I wouldn't change it now, but buts have been really hard I work full time now and its a lot, someone is always ill or feeling sad about something, covid was a nightmare from which we are still recovering. Mine are 10, 8, 4 now, they generally get on well at the moment together and in various groupings. They do sometimes annoy each other / bicker.

Dc3 has been in nursery which has meant I can do bits with the older two from time to time, I think it might be harder in someways with them all at school.

webuiltthiscityonrockandwheat · 09/08/2022 07:32

There's 3 years 2 months between my kids. My DD was born about a month after DS got his free hours at preschool which was lovely. He got some time away from the baby and I got time just with her. We had issues with jealousy a lot for the first year or so but DD is 15 months now and they love each other (most of the time!)

Arucanafeather · 09/08/2022 10:31

I’m didn’t feel done after having my third! If we had started younger I would definitely have had another. We got a puppy instead when our youngest started school. If I had been 5 years younger I would have rather another baby… although I do love our pup!

Original poster
Mum2HC · 09/08/2022 12:37

Were any of you 50/50 about the decision? I just see so many pros and cons to both and really struggling to know what to do

OP posts:
Original poster
Mum2HC · 09/08/2022 21:20

Bump!

OP posts:
Arucanafeather · 09/08/2022 22:40

My DH was definitely 50:50. I wanted to have a baby one last time - otherwise I definitely risked being the overzealous grandmother trying to treat my first grandchild and the third baby I hadn’t had. I happy to leave the baby stage of life behind now.

ELDV · 10/08/2022 01:04

I have much bigger age gaps, 11, 7 and 1 (15 months). I thought I would only have 2, I don’t know why, probably because at first we were very settled with one, hence the 4 year gap. But then my middle child started school and I started to pine for a third. But I absolutely agonised over it. I actually had two losses and then the third time stuck. I spent the few few months with a black cloud over my head, convinced I’d made a terrible decision. Very bad pregnancy symptoms didn’t help. I went back and forth, terrified I’d ruined our family dynamic forever. We never really even celebrated the pregnancy. One of my children wasn’t keen on the whole idea. Now a year into it. I couldn’t imagine our lives any other way. My number three is the total light of our lives. Such an utter joy. Her sisters adore her. She is the best decision we ever made intelo my husband every day! I’m not going to lie, It’s complicated as having 2 older ones means the baby doesn’t have much of a routine and there is lots of mums guilt about everyone missing out. But when all 3 are giggling together my heart literally sings. I love that they are now a little gang and I also Love the idea that we will have another little delight with us at home for a long time to come. Good luck. From what I can tell from your posts. Sounds like you should be brave and go for it!

WeAreAllLionesses · 10/08/2022 01:55

We have exactly this age gap, it's brilliant. All three (now teens) get on really well, the oldest and middle because they're closer in age, the oldest and youngest because they listen and take time with each other, and the middle and youngest because now the eldest one isn't at home as much they realise they have shared interests.

We did try for ages for DC3, definitely didn't plan the bigger gap but it works really well for us.

Couldn't recommend it more!

Yasmini · 10/08/2022 04:31

Mum2HC · 08/08/2022 13:34

Thank you for your honesty!
If you could go back and do life again without knowing your 3rd would you stick with two?

Show quote history

Mmmm that's a hard one... two is definitely easier..but I love the big family feeling of 3, like when we are all sat around the table eating dinner and chatting.
I think if I could go back I wouldn't have as much gap in age and I would be younger! I feel older and more tired now with a younger child.
I always felt there was another child needed in our family, and I felt done with having kids straight after the third was born and haven't felt clucky since.

DueyCheatemAndHow · 10/08/2022 06:09

Can you try approaching it from a different angle?

Strip away everything else - wether other posters find it easy or hard. Do you actually want a baby? Not a third baby. Just a baby. Do you want to be pregnant again, and have another person (or possibly people!) in your life?

It's a tough decision!

autumnboys · 10/08/2022 06:14

Mine are 18, 16 & 12.

DS3 completed our family. I had a strong sense of someone missing until he was born.

It is not without its challenges. The world is, generally, set up for 2 + 2. Not so much now, but we did get some stupid comments about having three (don’t you know what causes it/ hoping for a girl?) Most of our friends stopped at two and it could feel a bit isolating sometimes. It is exponentially more difficult to track everyone’s whereabouts/homework/one on one time. With this age split you will often have them at more than one key stage or school, so 2 or even 3 lots of dates to track. I find, even now, that life feels calmer if one of them is out/away.

in our case, DS3 is autistic & has some other challenges. You do need to give some thought to whether you have the time & energy for a child who needs more attention than the others.

There definitely was a tricky period in entertaining them, as DH commutes and works long hours, so it was often just me. I used to buy them all a matching bright t shirt every summer to help me track them when we were out. DS2 was famous for running off.

I wouldn’t say that I think we have more sick days than other families. I did however SAH for 8 years, then worked part time in a very flexible job until DS3 started secondary. I now work full time but term time only. Career wise, I will probably never get back to earning what I was earning when DS1 was born, nearly 19 years ago!

All that said, I would do it all again. Good luck deciding!

autumnboys · 10/08/2022 06:23

Oh, one final thought. We do take a divide and conquer approach to activities, which in practise usually means DH doing the exciting stuff with the older two and me hanging out with DS3. This is just habit now, a hangover from when he was a baby. He and I do plenty together though as well, just not quite so high octane!

Original poster
Mum2HC · 10/08/2022 06:43

I think I do, I’m just so scared of ruining what I have and potentially doing something to ruin the future we have set up for my current children.
i know it’s impossible for anyone to decide for me and the decision is mine but I’m just so scared to go for it. My husband is really keen but I think he might have forgotten the reality of pregnancy/baby years!!!
i will update if we ever decide 🙈

OP posts:
MistyQuigley · 10/08/2022 06:47

Ahh I could have written this post! Currently having the same dilemma although I think I'm a bit closer to deciding not to go for a third, mine are 4 & 2.5 with a 19 month age gap and I feel like we are just starting to really enjoy being out of the baby stage, they play so well together and I can see how much easier life will be if we stick with two.

But I do keep thinking about having a third! I absolutely love the newborn stage and would love to do that part again (especially with the older ones at school & preschool!), and also when I think about them all grown up I think it would be great for there to be 3 of them, I'm just not so sure about the toddler phase and how a younger one could hold the other two back. Also I'm already 36 and don't know if I could physically do the sleepless nights again (if I could even get pregnant again)!!

Original poster
Mum2HC · 10/08/2022 07:18

MistyQuigley · 10/08/2022 06:47

Ahh I could have written this post! Currently having the same dilemma although I think I'm a bit closer to deciding not to go for a third, mine are 4 & 2.5 with a 19 month age gap and I feel like we are just starting to really enjoy being out of the baby stage, they play so well together and I can see how much easier life will be if we stick with two.

But I do keep thinking about having a third! I absolutely love the newborn stage and would love to do that part again (especially with the older ones at school & preschool!), and also when I think about them all grown up I think it would be great for there to be 3 of them, I'm just not so sure about the toddler phase and how a younger one could hold the other two back. Also I'm already 36 and don't know if I could physically do the sleepless nights again (if I could even get pregnant again)!!

My thoughts exactly!! It’s such a tough decision. I’m 33 but still have the fear of sleep deprivation!

OP posts:
RadFad · 10/08/2022 07:22

I have a 4 year age back between my 2. Eldest is only 7 and so far it has been good apart from normal sibling arguments. They play together a lot.

I am 1 of 3. Just under 3 years between me and older sister. Nearly 5 years between me and younger brother. Both me and sister always got one better with younger brother than each other growing up. I'm close to him as an adult as well.
It worked for our family.