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Original poster

Can you find out if someone works at a school and request they don't work with your child??

61 replies

User6362727476 · 04/08/2022 12:30

Please no reposts

hear my out please.

Ds is nearly 12 and starting secondary in September 8 miles away.

I am in my early thirties and despite living locally, I have never met my bio dad. He's never been interested. He has kids with wife locally. I got in contact a few years ago and he said that he had to speak to his wife then got back to me weeks later saying that she doesn't want me to meet you as it will upset their kids - who were late teens at the time. Unless he was just using that as an excuse.

it's not her fault, it's his but equally she sounds like a nightmare too. I have an older half sister by him too, I am in contact with her and she did have some contact with him throughout her childhood and said his wife eventually stopped her from seeing him too.

anyway, I am concerned that his wife works at the school. I'm not sure exactly, but something I read on a Facebook group for parents has made me think shit, she might have a job there.

pretty sure she isn't a teacher, perhaps a teaching assistant or kitchen staff. But DS has a disability so naturally he's going to be working closely with some of the TA's.

I am starting to panic thinking shit I should have sent him to the other school in the area.

but how was I meant to to know this??

primaru schools tend to have a staff list on their website, secondary schools do not.

of course, DS wouldn't know who she is but j categorically would not want her working with him. It doesn't sit right with me.

she may not put the link together. I took my mums name as a baby, DS also has my surname. It's quite an unusual surname. And also when I messaged him a few years ago (and got rejected) I mentioned my sons first name so it would be obvious.

would anyone else not want this to happen either?

I am not being extreme am I?

would a school mind if I emailed them to confirm if someone works there or not? And if she does say he cannot work with her.

I believe I would feel differently if my son didn't have sen. It's just if she's a Ta, there's possibility of close contact.

I just feel so upset at the thought of this.

OP posts:
Idontevenknow · 04/08/2022 12:36

Where I live the secondary schools also post a staff list often. If there isn't one on the website can you email asking for a recent one? Then you can see if it's even a problem you need to worry about.

superram · 04/08/2022 12:40

You are being extreme and no school would agree to this. You need to let this go.

Original poster
User6362727476 · 04/08/2022 12:40

Idontevenknow · 04/08/2022 12:36

Where I live the secondary schools also post a staff list often. If there isn't one on the website can you email asking for a recent one? Then you can see if it's even a problem you need to worry about.

Thank you. Sadly this one doesn't! I will ask.

OP posts:

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Original poster
User6362727476 · 04/08/2022 12:43

superram · 04/08/2022 12:40

You are being extreme and no school would agree to this. You need to let this go.

So you would be happy about the woman married to your estranged dad working with your disabled child? Going home and telling him stuff about my child? His grandchild? I also wouldn't want to have contact with her. Things will be different at secondary for sure but I've always had quite a lot of contact with the Ta's who's worked with him.

OP posts:
superram · 04/08/2022 12:43

You would have to ring up the school and say ‘ my father was a crap parent so I don’t want mrs x to work with my child’. School: ‘it is mrs x’s job to do x,y,z there is no one else to do that. Mrs x is an excellent member of staff.’ School also thinking you are batshit crazy.

superram · 04/08/2022 12:44

She can’t tell him anything, it’s confidential.

Icecreamclassic · 04/08/2022 12:45

Most secondaries I know donpaost staff lists.

You can ask and express a preference but you can't force the school to comply. Depending on her role, it might be easy for the school to make sure she doesn't work directly with him and most heads I've worked with would do that, if that were the case.

However, it's highly unlikely that she wouldn't hear of the request.

Johnnysgirl · 04/08/2022 12:45

User6362727476 · 04/08/2022 12:43

So you would be happy about the woman married to your estranged dad working with your disabled child? Going home and telling him stuff about my child? His grandchild? I also wouldn't want to have contact with her. Things will be different at secondary for sure but I've always had quite a lot of contact with the Ta's who's worked with him.

Show quote history

It's your problem to solve, though, not the school's. You have the option to send him elsewhere.

HarrietSchulenberg · 04/08/2022 12:50

School would not be able to tell you if she worked there but you could contact them, explain the circumstances and express a preference that you don't want her to work with him. This might not be possible if she is a subject-specific TA as it would mean that your child would be unsupported in those lessons.
If you want to be certain about no contact, change schools if you can.

Alfenstein · 04/08/2022 12:52

No school will agree to this

You're being ott

SheWoreYellow · 04/08/2022 12:53

What you mean by ‘Please no reposts’?

Jalisco · 04/08/2022 12:53

I am not being extreme am I?

Sorry - yes you are. You are making allegations about someone without cause, and without even knowing if they work there. Would you feel ok about someone alleging that you are a bad person / unprofessional or whatever without any evidence it is true? If you wish to send your child to another school then you can investigate whether that is possible, but I would be past shocked if a school acted upon such twaddle as "my estranged bio father's wife might work at your school and she's some kind of gossip risk to my child, maybe, so could you stop her doing her job if that's the case".

Johnnysgirl · 04/08/2022 12:53

They will not allow the personal relationships of pupils and their families to dictate staff rotas.
Where would it end?

Divebar2021 · 04/08/2022 12:55

Have you searched her details to see what she actually does. Has she got a LinkedIn page for example? Anything on her social media to say what her job is?

KarlWrenbury · 04/08/2022 12:57

User6362727476 · 04/08/2022 12:30

Please no reposts

hear my out please.

Ds is nearly 12 and starting secondary in September 8 miles away.

I am in my early thirties and despite living locally, I have never met my bio dad. He's never been interested. He has kids with wife locally. I got in contact a few years ago and he said that he had to speak to his wife then got back to me weeks later saying that she doesn't want me to meet you as it will upset their kids - who were late teens at the time. Unless he was just using that as an excuse.

it's not her fault, it's his but equally she sounds like a nightmare too. I have an older half sister by him too, I am in contact with her and she did have some contact with him throughout her childhood and said his wife eventually stopped her from seeing him too.

anyway, I am concerned that his wife works at the school. I'm not sure exactly, but something I read on a Facebook group for parents has made me think shit, she might have a job there.

pretty sure she isn't a teacher, perhaps a teaching assistant or kitchen staff. But DS has a disability so naturally he's going to be working closely with some of the TA's.

I am starting to panic thinking shit I should have sent him to the other school in the area.

but how was I meant to to know this??

primaru schools tend to have a staff list on their website, secondary schools do not.

of course, DS wouldn't know who she is but j categorically would not want her working with him. It doesn't sit right with me.

she may not put the link together. I took my mums name as a baby, DS also has my surname. It's quite an unusual surname. And also when I messaged him a few years ago (and got rejected) I mentioned my sons first name so it would be obvious.

would anyone else not want this to happen either?

I am not being extreme am I?

would a school mind if I emailed them to confirm if someone works there or not? And if she does say he cannot work with her.

I believe I would feel differently if my son didn't have sen. It's just if she's a Ta, there's possibility of close contact.

I just feel so upset at the thought of this.

You’re being weird.

KarlWrenbury · 04/08/2022 12:58

superram · 04/08/2022 12:43

You would have to ring up the school and say ‘ my father was a crap parent so I don’t want mrs x to work with my child’. School: ‘it is mrs x’s job to do x,y,z there is no one else to do that. Mrs x is an excellent member of staff.’ School also thinking you are batshit crazy.

This. I’ve had weird parents like this and we all roll our eyes

crochetmylifeaway · 04/08/2022 12:58

I had an issue where by a new teacher moved in next door to us and then proceeded to torment us and make our lives a living hell. Police were involved and as fate had it when my son moved to secondary despite me making it perfectly clear to the school my son was to be protected he was placed on this person a class.

The head couldn't have cared less as in her own words she was just waiting out her time to get full retirement but when I complained to the education board they put safeguarding measures in place and made the school apologise for the error and not making it right straight away.

If you contact the head and ask if X person works there and that there is an issue you are worried about and would prefer your son not be in direct contact with her they have a duty to take this seriously and address it whether that be in conforming she doesn't work there or that they will put measures in place.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 04/08/2022 12:59

could you ask the school for further information about how they would care for his disability and who would be working with him, without mentioning anything else?

AmISpeakingAnotherLanguage · 04/08/2022 12:59

Will she know who your son is?

ILoveTwix · 04/08/2022 13:02

Easiest way to find out if she works there is to find out the staff email layout then try emailing her and see if it bounces back or not. Takes 5 seconds to set up a random email address to send one from. E.g. if the teachers email addresses are [email protected] then hers will be the same set up.

Or call reception and ask to speak to Mrs X and if they try to put you through or take a message, you know she works there and you can just apologise and say you'll call right back.

If she does work there, speak to the SENDCo and designated safeguarding lead so they are aware. There is a high likelihood they can arrange timetables so they aren't allocated together. My school had some parents who were employed as TAs so we just made sure they didn't work with their own children so the concept is the same. They won't want you or your DC unsettled especially when transitioning to a new school. Also remember schools are people so if they haven't managed to keep her fully off DCs timetable it's highly unlikely they've sat there and decided you're being difficult and more likely there is no other way to arrange things with their staffing and children with SEND (I am an experienced SENDCo and have had all manner of requests over the years and the complexities of timetabling/staffing for SEND pupils).

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 04/08/2022 13:04

I understand your worries. TBH if wait until he starts and see what he says about any support staff. As she was the one who didn’t want your dad to have anything to do with you, I can’t imagine her being delighted if she found out she was supporting his grandchild so may well object herself anyway! As you know her name, wait and see what your DS says about it once he’s started and then you can choose to speak to the school if needed.

I would be very sympathetic to a parent in this situation so I don’t know why everyone is being so nasty about it. Of course it’s a difficult situation for you. But as you don’t even know for sure that she works there, it’s all hypothetical at the moment so try not to worry just yet.

Original poster
User6362727476 · 04/08/2022 13:07

I will not be accusing her of anything. I'd just say due to family issues and her husband I wouldn't want her to work closely with him.

some of you clearly have never experienced the emotion of being rejected by your father as a child and adult and having a disabled child 🤷‍♀️And having autism myself too.

no issue with her potentially being in the school in general, just would prefer her not be closely involved with DS.

not been told any names of staff who will be working with him yet. I think the school are still preparing.

OP posts:
Original poster
User6362727476 · 04/08/2022 13:09

We are also going through crisis as a family with external people involved (not SS but similar). I just don't know what she'd tell my 'dad' if she ever knew. I know this is jumping to the worse case scenario but that's just me in general.

OP posts:
pigalow27 · 04/08/2022 13:09

If she works in the kitchen, site team or office, it's highly unlikely they would ever have any contact at all. I've worked in the same school for 9 years and do not know the name of a single member of the kitchen staff.

Tippexy · 04/08/2022 13:12

superram · 04/08/2022 12:44

She can’t tell him anything, it’s confidential.

Oh please, that is so naive. Of course she would talk to her husband.