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Original poster

Can you find out if someone works at a school and request they don't work with your child??

61 replies

User6362727476 · 04/08/2022 12:30

Please no reposts

hear my out please.

Ds is nearly 12 and starting secondary in September 8 miles away.

I am in my early thirties and despite living locally, I have never met my bio dad. He's never been interested. He has kids with wife locally. I got in contact a few years ago and he said that he had to speak to his wife then got back to me weeks later saying that she doesn't want me to meet you as it will upset their kids - who were late teens at the time. Unless he was just using that as an excuse.

it's not her fault, it's his but equally she sounds like a nightmare too. I have an older half sister by him too, I am in contact with her and she did have some contact with him throughout her childhood and said his wife eventually stopped her from seeing him too.

anyway, I am concerned that his wife works at the school. I'm not sure exactly, but something I read on a Facebook group for parents has made me think shit, she might have a job there.

pretty sure she isn't a teacher, perhaps a teaching assistant or kitchen staff. But DS has a disability so naturally he's going to be working closely with some of the TA's.

I am starting to panic thinking shit I should have sent him to the other school in the area.

but how was I meant to to know this??

primaru schools tend to have a staff list on their website, secondary schools do not.

of course, DS wouldn't know who she is but j categorically would not want her working with him. It doesn't sit right with me.

she may not put the link together. I took my mums name as a baby, DS also has my surname. It's quite an unusual surname. And also when I messaged him a few years ago (and got rejected) I mentioned my sons first name so it would be obvious.

would anyone else not want this to happen either?

I am not being extreme am I?

would a school mind if I emailed them to confirm if someone works there or not? And if she does say he cannot work with her.

I believe I would feel differently if my son didn't have sen. It's just if she's a Ta, there's possibility of close contact.

I just feel so upset at the thought of this.

OP posts:
Original poster
User6362727476 · 04/08/2022 13:12

@KarlWrenbury weird for wanting to protect myself from myself from any more upset from that side of my family?! I've spent years dealing with the rejection.

i am certain she would not be willing to work with him either.

I jist don't know how I'm meant to feel! The bloke totally abandoned me and hasn't seen me since I was a toddler (she met me too apparently) but I have no memory.

OP posts:
Original poster
User6362727476 · 04/08/2022 13:13

SheWoreYellow · 04/08/2022 12:53

What you mean by ‘Please no reposts’?

I keep getting posts shared into news pages. Not related to this post though!

OP posts:
Alfenstein · 04/08/2022 13:13

User6362727476 · 04/08/2022 13:09

We are also going through crisis as a family with external people involved (not SS but similar). I just don't know what she'd tell my 'dad' if she ever knew. I know this is jumping to the worse case scenario but that's just me in general.

But what does it matter

You're estranged

So what if he knows things about you

He clearly doesn't care, neither will she most likely

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General education
Original poster
User6362727476 · 04/08/2022 13:15

pigalow27 · 04/08/2022 13:09

If she works in the kitchen, site team or office, it's highly unlikely they would ever have any contact at all. I've worked in the same school for 9 years and do not know the name of a single member of the kitchen staff.

I'm pretty sure it's not the kitchen staff as there is a recent photo on their website of all of them and she's not in it (or maybe she was sick that day 😅)

OP posts:
AgentProvocateur · 04/08/2022 13:16

No school would ever agree to this. Can you imagine the logistics?

Original poster
User6362727476 · 04/08/2022 13:16

I wish I never posted this. I've got in an panic over it and didn't know who to talk to 😓 I can't talk to my mum about it, she shuts down any talk of him - or her.

its such a trigger for me as an adult! I just don't know why I was abandoned

OP posts:
Happylittlethoughts · 04/08/2022 13:18

Look, unfortunately it doesn't matter about your paternal rejection .
Multiply these family issues by 1000 or so pupils in the school and their preferences with Staff and Classes. Utter nonsense to think it could be accommodated .
If it upsets you that much, move schools.

Original poster
User6362727476 · 04/08/2022 13:20

Happylittlethoughts · 04/08/2022 13:18

Look, unfortunately it doesn't matter about your paternal rejection .
Multiply these family issues by 1000 or so pupils in the school and their preferences with Staff and Classes. Utter nonsense to think it could be accommodated .
If it upsets you that much, move schools.

not just as easy as moving schools though! He's been prepared for this one. All of his friends are going to this one 🤦‍♀️ This one was easier with transport.

our next move is sen school but been told he wouldn't necessarily get a place. We are trying!! I'm hoping if we have to move him schools it'll be into a sen school - not to another mainstream!

OP posts:
SaltySeaWitch · 04/08/2022 13:20

I don’t think YABU. I guess it depends what her role is as to her likelihood of close contact with DS. You likely need to contact the school to find out IF she works there first and the proceed.

Alfenstein · 04/08/2022 13:21

User6362727476 · 04/08/2022 13:16

I wish I never posted this. I've got in an panic over it and didn't know who to talk to 😓 I can't talk to my mum about it, she shuts down any talk of him - or her.

its such a trigger for me as an adult! I just don't know why I was abandoned

Maybe talk to a trained professional

You're not handling this well, or rationally

MichelleScarn · 04/08/2022 13:21

If you contact the head and ask if X person works there and that there is an issue you are worried about and would prefer your son not be in direct contact with her they have a duty to take this seriously and address it whether that be in conforming she doesn't work there or that they will put measures in place
Surely they don't? Yes they will have a duty of care but not a duty to respond to someone wanting to know if someone works at the school and what they do?

KarlWrenbury · 04/08/2022 13:27

You have no idea how schools work. You don’t pick and choose kids to work with. Staff are professionals. If they’re not then complain IF something happens

Original poster
User6362727476 · 04/08/2022 13:30

SaltySeaWitch · 04/08/2022 13:20

I don’t think YABU. I guess it depends what her role is as to her likelihood of close contact with DS. You likely need to contact the school to find out IF she works there first and the proceed.

I'm thinking Ta, but I'm not sure. Ds has a disability so will probably have a lot of contact with a few ta's. At the moment the school have said he'll have a few Ta'a working with him rather than the same one day which seems to be the same at every mainstream secondary. Sen school is our next challenge but it'll likely take a while!

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 04/08/2022 13:31

What do you think she would do that would harm either your son or you?

I'm not being snotty! I genuinely mean that. You are very anxious but what do you feel are the specific risks? If you know those then you can decide what you feel is the best way forward.

Original poster
User6362727476 · 04/08/2022 13:35

@Alfenstein you have no idea, I also have autism and struggle with most things.

I've battled so long with the feelings of rejection desperately wanting a 'dad'. Finally accepted he's not worth my thoughts and I've been in a good place for a few years. Now this has just set me off again!

I am also grieving a father figure who was in my life.

I don't need to be told I'm irrational, I already know!

OP posts:
superram · 04/08/2022 13:37

Tippexy · 04/08/2022 13:12

Oh please, that is so naive. Of course she would talk to her husband.

Show quote history

I don’t share school issues with my husband so not that naive… I might relay a funny story about a child without sharing their name but I wouldn’t be sharing confidential information and tbf i don’t know any staff that would.

Original poster
User6362727476 · 04/08/2022 13:39

IncompleteSenten · 04/08/2022 13:31

What do you think she would do that would harm either your son or you?

I'm not being snotty! I genuinely mean that. You are very anxious but what do you feel are the specific risks? If you know those then you can decide what you feel is the best way forward.

Oh I would never think there would be any harm at all. I'm just not comfortable with her working with him, I just think it's odd as it's her husbands grandchild from a child he's never met. Maybe it's just me that feels this way, it's just ds is disabled and schooling looks a little different for him.

i just struggle with the feeling that he seems a great dad to the kids he has with his wife but has 2 more - one he's never really seen and the other sporadically for a few years. Feeing like I'm not good enough.

my son also has hit & miss relationship with his own dad and I'm very sensitive to the subject.

I didn't think I would be such a villain for feeling this way!

OP posts:
Marcipex · 04/08/2022 13:49

I totally understand your feelings.
unfortunately though I don’t think the school will be sympathetic.
Of course, if she were to gossip about your child you would make a serious complaint.
But you don’t even know whether she works there; find that out first.

CallOnMe · 04/08/2022 13:50

What do you think is the worst thing that’s going to happen if she was his TA?

I think a lot of this is in your head tbh and you’re worrying unnecessarily.

Honestly, the only reason you know she works there is because you happened to stumble across something on FB.
You may never have known.

Unfortunately, if you live in the same area as each other then you’re going to end up having things like this happen.

Your DS could have already started school and then she could have joined and you wouldn’t even know.

I personally would let this go and wait and see how DS gets on at school.

She may be in the office even and never come into contact with him.
She may not make the connection and if she does decide to move schools etc.

I’d wait and see and if it does become a problem, then contact the school.

Crinkle77 · 04/08/2022 14:31

I'm thinking that if she didn't want your father to have any contact in the first place that she won't tell him that his grandson is at the school in case he wants to get in touch or see him.

Fuuuuuckit · 04/08/2022 14:32

<Gently>
OP you have written yourself that there are no specific risks to your dc, either from your dsm or your dad. She is bound by GDPR and professionalism not to mention specific kids to your dad, if you find out she has then her job is on the line.

The school is unlikely to make the arrangements you are hoping for. But approached logically, I'm sure that they would consider your thoughts and may be able to make some concessions eg not a regular TA, not assigned to your ds' team etc. I would imagine they would not agree to restrict all contact, as she is employed by the school to do a job, and in the event of absences or group work/supervision then as long as the children are correctly and safely supervised then she is staff and your dc a pupil. Worth having a logical conversation though. Speak to the senco.

Alfenstein · 04/08/2022 14:36

User6362727476 · 04/08/2022 13:35

@Alfenstein you have no idea, I also have autism and struggle with most things.

I've battled so long with the feelings of rejection desperately wanting a 'dad'. Finally accepted he's not worth my thoughts and I've been in a good place for a few years. Now this has just set me off again!

I am also grieving a father figure who was in my life.

I don't need to be told I'm irrational, I already know!

Then it's up to you to seek and secure help for this

You're being ridiculous, there is no risk to your child. The school will not act on this 'issue'

You're creating an issue then getting anxious about it, your child already has a lot to deal with, don't add having a neurotic mother to that list. It does neither of you any favours

Redlocks28 · 04/08/2022 14:40

User6362727476 · 04/08/2022 12:43

So you would be happy about the woman married to your estranged dad working with your disabled child? Going home and telling him stuff about my child? His grandchild? I also wouldn't want to have contact with her. Things will be different at secondary for sure but I've always had quite a lot of contact with the Ta's who's worked with him.

Show quote history

If I was that unhappy about this being an issue, I would put him in a different school-you are not being rational here.

BTW, if by saying ‘no reposts’ you are hoping to prevent this getting into the Daily Mail-you have no chance. You have posted on a public forum and journalists can use it to their hearts content; saying ‘no reposts’ means nothing.

SparkyBlue · 04/08/2022 15:47

I doubt if the school will or can do anything to help you but I totally understand and I'd feel the same if I were in your shoes. I have a child with asd so he gets lots of extra help at school so I'm aware of how much interaction he has with others in the school apart from his teacher and yes in your situation it would bother me.

NCHammer2022 · 04/08/2022 15:52

How/why would she even know it was your child and care enough to be going home and talking about them to your father? (Which she shouldn’t be doing due to confidentiality anyway.)

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