How different was your childhood to your dc's and is theirs better or worse?

[sealandotter]

I have 3 dc- 10 year old dd, 7 year old ds and 5 year old dd. My eldest dd asked me the other day what my childhood was like and it got me thinking about it. Mine wasn't actually that different to my children's (I'm 36 btw). I still live in the same area (although they go to a different school than I went to) and I'm a sahm and my mum was too. We do roughly the same activities as I did when I was young (e.g. swimming, walking the dog, trips to the garden centre, going to mcdonalds, watching Saturday night tv etc) and they get involved with most of the community events that I went to when I was young. We don't really live in an area where kids can go and play out so none of us really had that freedom that I hear others talk about. They do slightly more varied after school clubs than I did but they read a lot of books that were out when I was young. I realise some of these things are conscious decisions that we've made but I don't really see a huge difference between the two which I suppose is a good thing as I had a normal and happy childhood. I was just wondering if anyone else's children are having similar childhoods or if they are better or worse than theirs

In some ways, not very different. By design, we live near to where I grew up, and we live here for the sole purpose of being near my family and being a part of the same routines. Holidays and celebrations, being looked after by grandparents, spending time together and most of the day-to-day is about the same as it was for me.

Materially it's about the same. DC have the same opportunities for extracurriculars that I had, and was encouraged to try. We bought our home slightly later than my parents did, but that was for a number of reasons.

The biggest difference is probably that my DC have both parents working, whereas my mother was a SAHM. And prior to our settling down here, we moved around a bit, including moving countries twice my parents still live in the same home I grew up in, we never moved. We certainly travel more, and farther, than I ever did in my childhood more holidays, visits to see family abroad, that kind of thing.

I was quite happy with my childhood, as was DH, and so we try to make things as comfortable for our DC as they were for us.

Thereisnolight thank you.
They are happy, they would say they have a happy childhood.
Its only in comparison with my own that it falls short and that's what feels bad.

My dds don’t know they’re born. I’m not joking either!

Both my parents worked, in wc jobs. Shift work. I was dragged to jumble sales to buy mismatched and ill fitting clothes. Limited shoes. Shared a bedroom with db until I was 9/10 (even though there was a spare bedroom). Not any fun toys. Days out limited to local area. Holidays ‘home’ to my parents home country (actually it was great, but no variety, always in the car to our destination 24hours later). Money sent to relatives so me and db missed out. I never went to any clubs, though db did a few select clubs approved by my parents.

Dh and I both work. Have dragged dds all over the world on holidays.
Have lived in Oz for a few years.
Always get new clothes from actual shops that fit.
They give a Christmas/birthday list and they receive a majority of what they ask for.
They both have trust accounts which are healthy and which they’ll get at 18.
We have a holiday home and they now come away with us and are spoilt on activities during holidays.

Dds lives are easier and so much more fun than my childhood.

Hugely different.

My cupboards are full. Always. I have extra freezers just in case and have serious food issues. I get antsy if my stocks go lower.
I make sure my kids have home cooked, healthy meals every single day, (unless it's a takeaway or a cheeky nuggets, beans and chips day!) a choice of snacks and will never go hungry. I will not feed them meals mainly on days when my boyfriend is over (and a meal that the kids cannot stomach but BF likes) TBF, there no BFs anyway as DH (kids dad) and I are happily married. I do not expect my kids to make do with 6 boiled eggs (no toast because no bread in) for dinner or a bowl of frozen peas and sweetcorn as it's all that's in the house.
I buy my children clothes when needed. I don't expect them to wear the same two small t shirts and 1 pair of adults jeans with the waist folded over because they're 4 sizes too big but were free off mum's bestie. My children have more than one pair of shoes each. And if the sole falls off I buy new instead of shrugging and telling them to sellotape it back on to go to high school in.
My hobbies/pets will never come before my children.
I will help my injured children up after a fall instead of hissing through my teeth that they've embarrassed me by falling.

I do spend a huge proportion of our family's money on our kids but they are grateful for every single thing. My parents were not poor but preferred to spend their money on their interests. I wasn't exactly neglected as such or abused but we were never a priority. Barely made the top 10.

I discipline strongly and have boundaries and as such we have wonderfully behaved kids who are amazing, happy and loved. My kids are respectful and loving and tell me everything (to the point of oversharing sometimes ). We are close and cuddles are encouraged and not half assed then shoving them away saying "alright, alright, enough of that!" Our house of full of laughter and silliness every single day. Life is family.

My kids have more "things" than I ever did. They also have more expensive hobbies. They've been abroad (including long haul) a few times, I never went anywhere other than France during school years. They get lifts all the time, they used to get the bus more often but lockdown changed that and somehow we've not moved back. They read less than I did because of screens, though they do read still. I had a paper round and was working from 13, my teens (13,15) don't have jobs yet. They get pocket money, I never did. They also eat a lot more takeaways and macdonalds!

Similar to me though is that they've all been able to play out safely at home, spent part of holidays staying at grandparents (until they got a bit old for it, no more than one night these days), they got a lot of clothes from charity shops when younger, holidays are mostly camping based, they love a village fete style event, they are all in girlguiding as I was and they love a lazy day doing f all but reading and snacking! We all eat together as often as possible and Friday nights are casual round the tv together. Thanks to my dad they have all had experience in the garage with him as I did when younger!

I feel like my parents had more time for us, also my mum didn't work.

What's this miraculous part-time job that pays for private school, 5 holidays, a housekeeper and nanny? A lot of mumsnetters seem to have this kind of job 🤔

Mine is very different. My mum was / is a brilliant mum. Full of energy and imagination and we played and played and played.
I work and just feel too exhausted most of the time to do half the things my mum did. I'm just really thankful she looks after my kids 1 day a week so they can have fun with her - she's a much better mum than me.

Hmm… some differences, lots of similarities
My dc have 3 siblings and all get on, I had one who I didn’t get on with.
my eldest 2 spend 2 nights a week with my ex. Me and my sister lived with both parents full time.
I think my DC see less parental arguing than we did.
I tell my dc I love them and hug them lots. My parents never told me they love me, ever. I don’t remember ever being hugged by my mum. My dad hugged me till 8 when he said I was too old.
We used to drive to Europe on holiday and stay in a few places. We do the same now with dc.
we used to play out a lot locally, DC do the same (though less rural for them!)
DC have a LOT of friends. I didn’t.
new clothes/ toys etc are mostly a birthday/ Christmas thing, or to replace outgrown stuff. That was the same for me.
Clubs: about the same amount, though I don’t make mine stick at things they don’t enjoy.
They have more screens than I did: it wasn’t a thing when I was little!
Days out are to similar places.
Holidays are a bit more frequent.

I actually think about how different it is for my dc every day.

I had a huge circle of people, children of all ages, around me all the time - was brought up in the safest place where playing outside was never an issue. Would cycle with my friends for miles. Stay out till 9pm on a summers night playing ball games. Practice 'gymnastics' in the fields. Pick all sorts of fruit from plums to watermelons and much on them. Walk to school with friends. Had so many adventures. Was so confident. Did great at school. I knew all the grown ups around and they knew me so felt safe. Saying that, I have very few actual memories with my parents. Both worked but would finish fairly early (no commuting) and we would always have supper together.

No paid clubs, no seaside holidays or much day out trips, not more than five toys, nothing requiring much money. But I didn't miss it.

I wish my dc was brought up in a similar place and had many friends.

Live same area.
I remember holidays and things like evenings with the TV. I don't really remember going to parks etc. My dad did shifts and mun had 2 x 3 hr a day job's part time so we used to get babysat by aunt.

I think my kids have it better, i was a sahm until recently. And now i work with dh and do the stuff when they're at pre school or evenings., it doesnt impact my time with them whatsoever.
I take my kids out practically every day. Parks, farm, ducks, ball pit and so forth. Or play dates here, pool parties etc We always have a plan. Always have fun. The odd occasional chill day tv /ipad etc so i can catch up on things at home.. Holidays we dont tend to really, Weve had 1 in the last 3 yrs. A uk one. And will next year. The thought of abroad with a 2 under 5s is hell on earth for me.

@Ponderingwindow good work. I hope you give yourself many virtual pats on the back. Respect.

My DC upbringing is different to mines by miles.
I grew up in a very toxic abusive house hold in a poverty-stricken area. My dad was the abusive one. He was awful to my mother & siblings. There were daily arguments & fights. We witnessed a lot.
We didn't have money so we never had holidays. We did get day outs a few times in the year, these could be mostly ruined by my dads mood. I remember going to school with holes in my shoes. When it was raining, it really upset me. I know my mother tried her best but neither parents worked and my Mum is still work shy.

I started working as soon as I could @ 18. I married a guy with ambition and was good with money. We live in an affluent area, comfortable with money and my children do three activities each (which we never got) and they get holidays and lots of day trips to theme parks/farms etc. I know I am overcompensating with them but most importantly they are growing up in a home with two parents who love them, parent equally and don't fight. We are emotionally and physically available for them. That's all I wanted when growing up.

Very different

I grew up on a working class council estate, from a young age walking to school, playing out, no parental supervision, I could be gone all day from about age 8/9 and it would be fine. No clubs, activities, no community social involvement unless is was working club related. No overhears holidays, though I was luckier than my friends as I had family in other cities we got to visit, I do remember a couple of pontins holidays. Constant put downs by one parent and had one rule for me and a different for my brothers. I did have a very close relationship with my Nan, lots of cousins who I loved playing and growing up with. By the time I went to high school I was “hard” as in I could hold my own in a physical fight, mainly encouraged/pressured by brothers and cousins who wanted me to be able to take care of myself. Absolutely no interest from my parents in education, I was nicking off school regularly by 11 yo.p and failed all my GCSE’s, parents response was a shrug.

my DCs, nice home in a WC/MC area, regionally not to far from where I grew up but they have lived in other countries and experienced different cultures and education systems. Lots of clubs, activities and community event involvement, I’m home full time so they have me on hand to take them to the park after school, no self care and although they don’t have to do the things I did they do have responsibilities, just supervised. They are definitely less “street” smart than me but far more book smart as I encourage them where I never had the encouragement. No close family so they don’t have the bond with cousins or grandparents I had. We don’t go crazy on holidays, but they do get to go places, long weekends away, theme parks and cultural trips. They get told every day they are loved, why they are loved, lots of encouragement to be who they are.

Thanks op, it's just amazing to see my kids happy. My youngest is a baby still but my eldest is so confident and it brings me satisfaction and joy like nothing else.

In all honesty I think my childhood was better... I grew up in the 90’s when we had no internet, no social media, everything was just easier. I wasn’t a rich kid but we weren’t poor either, had my fair share of trips away. I’ve been on more holidays abroad than mine but they were cheaper back then. My 2 dc 14&9 have been on more uk holidays and they have been to Disneyland Paris. They’ve been more fun places than I have. I just think It’s harder these days to be a kid.

Wonderfully different.
I grew up with a large, sprawling family of abusers. I had my needs met but it was always unstable, I was farmed out for further abuse and not allowed to socialise with kids outside the family. It was a cult. A horrible, evil cult.

DD has a little family, in comparison. I moved far away, just me and her, to give her a better life: we have had hard times, but she’s always confident we’ll come through them. We live in a very safe area and she knows I will always provide for her. I work, unlike my mother, and she has a huge number of friends at school, childminders, the park, clubs… she has solid self esteem and a real bright smile. When I was her age I always looked solemn and blank.

Now I have a good job, she’s enrolled in music lessons, brownies and street dance. She has rules as well as opportunities- I never had rules. Everything I did was wrong with no consistency. If I was tidying my room, I should have been doing homework; if I did homework, I should have done it earlier. DD has rules and expectations on a wall chart.

I talk to her, all the time. And vice versa. If she has any question, I will answer it in an age appropriate way. I also say honestly if I don’t know the answer. When I was her age I wouldn’t have dreamed of chatting with my mother, and when she told me various ‘facts’ she lied.

I also left her father when I realised the way he was acting was abuse. My parents lived together in deep codependency, my mum enabling my dad.

DD hugs me. She says she loves me, unprompted. My mother never hugged me, it wouldn’t have occurred to me to hug her and I certainly didn’t love my parents.

I’m also fully prepared for the teenage years to be fraught. Emotions and puberty are hard. I was so controlled, when I hit my teenage years I rebelled by parting my hair on the other side. That was the most defiant thing I could think of. I’m fully prepared that DD might hate me for a spell, just like when she was two and went through a ‘go away mean mummy’ phase. I’ll love her enough for the both of us because DD has something I never experienced and therefore never understood until her, which is unconditional love.

What an interesting thread!

We still live in the same area I grew up, and we go to a lot of the same places. My parents were well off and so are we, however I feel ds’ upbringing is quite different.

I try to practice gentle parenting and I think that’s the biggest difference. My parents were absolutely above discipline and occasional slapping as well. Although I’m close with my parents I’ve never been emotionally close to them, I always lied to them growing up and I really hope to change this with DS.

We live in the same town I grew up in. We live in the less affluent part to where I grew up though. I’m a single parent and I grew up with a sibling and two parents who worked full time. I work part time. My kids do some of the same hobbies I did, they tried some others I did and didn’t take to them as well and one has gone in a totally different direction to any of the family with one of her hobbies. I guess the main difference is that they are growing up between two main households and have another half sibling at that other household - that household is also single though and only sees the sibling when mine are there as well. They travel a lot to see the other side of the family as my Ex DH originates from the other side of the country so his family aren’t close by. I grew up seeing all of my family on both sides often. We go to a lot of the same places on weekends as I did when growing up. I try and give them the same experiences. The main big difference is I grew up on a new estate filled with children and would play out with those children for hours, until it got dark. Where we live now has no other children for mine to play with so it becomes something that has to be arranged for them to meet up with friends - although they’re getting to an age where they can start going out to do that but are finding it difficult. DD2 and her friend went to the park last week and we’re home within half an hour as it was boring! They then got a board game out to play and then got devices out to play each other. They don’t seem to have the ability to just hang out for hours without something constructive and purposeful like a pre defined game.

so to answer, my children have a different life in some ways but similar in others. I wouldn’t say it’s better or worse than mine. Just different. I had a happy child hood and they seem to be having a happy child hood as well.

Worlds apart, in so many ways. My childhood was very turbulent and unstable, my mother was very mentally unwell and quite violent and unpredictable. My stepfather was a hateful man who was bullied by my mother and took it out on us. My father was a brilliant, funny, charming creative who was largely absent and couldn't be depended on. No adult in my childhood was emotionally available, really, things were constantly high-drama and I was constantly terrified. We moved a lot. I went to 11 different primary schools.

DH grew up with a very controlling mother and a terminally ill father who died when DH was a teenager. His childhood was a combination of caring responsibilities and being literally shut in his room and made to do academic work (set by his mother, not the school). Nothing he did was ever good enough and he had no freedom at all until he went to university.

Our children have grown up in a stable and loving home with two parents who adore each other and them. They had birthday parties and playdates and family friends, barbecues, beach trips, holidays centred on them, all the things we really wanted to give them. They went to one primary and one secondary, and still have friends they've known since the age of four. That isn't the whole story though - both of them will have been affected by having a mother who struggles with CPTSD and depression, I'd be a fool to think it hasn't affected their childhood. DS1 has autism and has had to grow up dealing with his diagnosis and its effect on his self-image, not to mention the bullying and bigotry he's faced from other children, parents and even teachers. He's much more together, self-aware and confident than I was at his age, but he isn't unscathed. DS2 is naturally very gregarious, confident and sunny-natured with the ability to make friends anywhere, but he has his demons too - he's struggled more academically than DS1 (who was hyperlexic and called a "prodigy" at primary school) and sometimes feels as though he's not good enough. Both have struggled with the pressures of 24 hour social interaction and online bullying, and both have anxieties about the future, student debt, the seeming impossibility of ever owning a home, etc. I think their childhood was better than mine, but I also think those of us who had shit childhoods need to beware of assuming that our children 'have it easy' - all things are relative. I don't want mine to feel as though I think their problems are trivial.

I would say very different... although I tried to introduce things I used to enjoy.
DS had few friends, I played out or at friends' or had friends over all the time. I worked from when he was small, my mum took a break until we were older. This meant after school clubs, holiday clubs, going off to stay with grandparents, which we never did.
I became a single parent when DS was 6, DD 11; my DPs are still together after 56 years.
Obviously screens, internet, movies on demand etc has made a huge difference.
Maybe DD (22 now) had a slightly more similar childhood to me as she still had 2 parents for longer, but things were pretty rough at times for the last three years.

I think our DS in some ways has it similiar and in others different.

I moved from where i grew up. We lived very rurally, it was beautiful but not much going on as we got older. I played alot with my sibling. Which was great sometimes and rubbish at others.

Our DS is an only child but we live in a nice place, we stroll to school of a morning, i love that we are close enough to do that, we are also close enough for his friends and mine to just pop in, very important to me. I wont move anywhere isolating.

He plays out, as did we so similar in that way.
He very much has the same values instilled in him, we have a close bond as i did with my DM.

We are more consistently "well off" than my parents, although we were seen as well off back then.

Our DS has already been on more holidays than i did throughout my whole childhood, he is 4.
My DH used to holiday alot as a child, it just wasnt a thing for us, it wasnt a financial thing it was a practical thing that we couldn't go.

Our DS has a great life, as did I at his age.

Oh, he is far more confident than i was as well. Thankfully

My upbringing was a lot more affluent than my ds has had. I also grew up with many affluent families and saw a lot of wealth. Ds has had this but has also had friends from very WC backgrounds.

We also used to go abroad every year whereas ds has only been abroad 3 times and he is now 17.

Ds does have a very large family on his dads side though and he has many half siblings. Whereas I am an only child. So in that respect he has it more fortunate.

Very different. My parents were well off, I had a LOT of toys, foreign holidays etc. My dad was abusive to my mum and I was terrified of him, they divorced when I was 4 and I had much dreaded every other weekend visits with him. My mum worked a lot and meant well but was a complicated woman. She never really saw anybody’s position but her own and was wildly inconsistent in what she believed. She was never there when I needed her abs never really “mothered” me. I spent a lot of long hours in before and after school club- first in, last out. We also moved a lot, which was unsettling and I never felt on firm ground.

We have less money, for sure. 4.5yo DD hasn’t been abroad yet, we’re going to a Haven holiday park for our first holiday this year. She won’t have as many material things as I did. But she has two loving parents, we all play and mess around together a lot. And we both work slightly reduced hours so we can be around a bit more and pick her up from school a few days a week. We may move house someday but I intend to stay in this area and let her put down roots.

My son's childhood is definitely very different to mine and my partner's upbringings. My mum only ever really worked part-time, didn't drive so walked us a mile and a half to and from school. We didn't have much money so not much in the way of clubs and not really much at the weekends or holidays, though we did start going on a holiday each year when money improved for my mum and stepdad at an older age. On the other hand, myself and my partner both work full-time, son goes to wraparound care, attends swimming and rugby, is taken out and about regularly and although we're not well-off, we don't have to deny him lots (luckily he's a child who asks for very little anyway).