Breast was not best for my dses. Ds1 was jaundiced, and when he became more jaundiced despite phototherapy, I was advised to supplement each breastfeed with formula, because he needed the extra hydration and calories. I tried to go back to EBF when we were discharged - I even hired a powerful breast pump from the NCT, but despite pumping after every feed, I never produced more than 4.5oz of expressed milk, even after 10 days of trying. And ds1 was not satisfied on my milk - I ended up having to formula feed him.
With ds2, I was passionate about making it work, and he was EBF. He lost 10oz off his birthweight, and at 6 weeks old, he hadn’t regained that weight. The HV was calling to weigh him every day or every other day, and telling me she wanted him to gain at least 0.5oz each day. When I said I really wanted to make breastfeeding work, she said - and I quote “Well, I have to think of the best interests of the baby!” I asked her if she thought I wasn’t committed to my baby’s best interests, and told her to get out of my house.
At 6 weeks old, ds2 developed a chest infection and we were sent up to the hospital where he was admitted for IV antibiotics - but the staff were far more concerned about his weight - I even heard them say “Failure to Thrive” about ds2 - and we were kept in until I agreed to start supplementing him with formula, at which point he started gaining weight. As with ds1, supplementing with formula spelled the end of my attempt to breastfeed.
With ds3, I mixed fed from the word go - breast during the day, and a couple of bottles overnight - and as long as he was having 2 bottles of formula a day, he gained weight normally, but if I dropped one, he plateaued.
All three times, I firmly believe that my failure to breast feed contributed to me becoming depressed - I can’t say that I was made to feel a failure by the professionals, but the emphasis on breast feeding being the best led me to criticise myself harshly - I considered myself a complete failure as a parent. It’s taken me a long time to come to terms with this, and to allow myself to believe that I am not a failure as a parent. Even when I was doing my best to give the boys healthy, home made food, with lots of fruit and veg, I still thought I was a failure.
Looking back, I don’t think I had a lot of support - there was pressure, especially with ds2, that they should gain weight, but when they didn’t, and I was feeding them for hours, no-one gave me any support to find out what was going wrong - I ended up coming to the conclusion that I just don’t make good quality milk - other women make gold top, I make skim - but I don’t know if that was true, and I don’t know if there is anything that could have been done to help me make better milk, or even to find out if I was making OK milk.