Acts of kindness gone wrong

[Cloudywithachancee]

Just had a memory pop back into my head from when I was in secondary school. This was probably around year 10/11. A girl I knew’s mum died of cancer and the whole class decided to do a whip around for her. We raised £100+ thinking she would donate to cancer research or something similar. She bought a new pair of doc martens and then wore the unauthorised boots to school every day.
Everyones face was definitely 🙄 but no one could say anything obviously as her mum just died.

Has anyone experienced anything similar?

To be fair to @Cloudywithachancee, she and her friends were kids at the time too, and may not have realised at the time that there was nothing wrong with the girl buying the DMs - I am sure that the gift and the shoes cheered her up at a very difficult time in her life.

But @Cloudywithachancee is an adult now, and I’m sure she now realises that she and her friends should not have been so judgemental back then, and that this definitely was not an act of kindness gone wrong.

Yes but she doesn't appear to, given this thread.

It's one thing to have silly, immature opinions at 15; but to harbour those thoughts about that particular circumstance into adulthood and start a Mumsnet thread about it is simply nasty.

Not similar to yours @Cloudywithachancee but I definitely class my example as an genuine act of kindness gone wrong:-

A woman I worked was having huge financial difficulties to the point that one day she was saying she didn’t have money for food or to put petrol in car etc. The following day I took a large grocery bag full of tea bags, coffee, pasta, rice, tinned goods including some treats of a bottle wine, biscuits and chocolate bars. I didn’t want to embarrass my colleague so I asked that she come to my car when we had a minute (discreetly). Later I opened my boot and gave her the bag of stuff saying ‘just a little something to tide you over’. She told me point blank she didn’t want it and walked off 🤷‍♀️

You’re right, @MeridasMum.

But @Cloudywithachancee is an adult now, and I’m sure she now realises that she and her friends should not have been so judgemental back then, and that this definitely was not an act of kindness gone wrong.

No, if she has realised that, then I'm sure she didn't start this thread. She clearly still thinks she was wrong to spend the money on what made her happy. Actually it clearly shows that she didn't understand the pain the girl was going through. Nasty thread.

What I meant was hopefully this thread will have made her realise that she shouldn’t have been so judgemental etc etc - I worded it badly, @grapehyacinthisactuallyblue.

Christ, how could you grudge her that? Especially years later!

I experienced similar when my mum died suddenly just a couple of months before I took my GCSE’s. Wasn’t just the pupils - the teachers did too.
OP I hope your school friend got a lot of comfort from her DM’s and felt supported.

A child's mum died and she bought herself something to cheer herself up with a GIFT of money? Good for her.

I find it hard to believe that a bunch of school kids would expect her to give the money to charity, so I'm guessing this never happened. I hope it didn't.

*"Has anyone experienced anything similar?"
*
Yes, I've experienced meeting loads of virtue signallers which thought they should be able to control their 'good' deed.

grief is one of those things where, if you are observing it in someone else, the most respectful thing you can do is not to tell them how they should be experiencing it or how they should be reacting (i.e. donating the money to charity) but simply to listen to them and believe them.

And if watching her spend that money on boots for herself is her way of expressing her hurt and trying to self soothe with some kind of treat for herself, however small in the context of her mothers death - that is the right thing to have happened to the money.

I don't understand this though, how could it be a whip round for her, if she was expected to give it to charity? It wasn't for her was it? It was the charity. So it wasn't a whip round for her at all, unless put in a card with something along the lines of "please pass this money on to cancer research as a way of us all saying we're thinking of you" which lets face it would be pretty bloody tactless.
A collection at a funeral is fine, and often a charity will be stated, but not in a bloody sympathy card (unless you know the person very well and it's what they have requested).
So either it wasn't a whip round 'gift' and should have been stated as such. Or it was a lovely thought with no strings attached, and dr. Ms are fine.

Me too @takeitandleaveit my mum died first term of secondary school and that was it for me, I was the “weird” one forever more. Hugs.

Well I hope the poor woman doesn't see this thread because it's instantly recognisable. I hope she got years and years of happiness out of those Doc Martens.

I'm so sorry you both went through that @Pavlovascat and @takeitandleaveit

You could have just give the money to charity yourselves....

I'm not 100% sure you understand the meaning of kindness OP.

Thread gone wrong... I agree with other posters

What this thread should have said was.... What nasty things do you regret doing or thinking in your younger more naïve days.

Horrible OP.
Poor girl.

@TheRealHousewife jeez so awkward! poor you. How were things with her in the office after that?

Wow. Poor girl - being judged for spending money that was given to her to make her feel better, on herself

@LuckyAmy1986 To be honest, awkward; from her not me. I even found myself apologising.

On no how awkward 🙈

That's so wrong that she was judged. I hope the boots gave her a momentary flash of happiness amongst all that overwhelming loss :(

This is a really unkind way to look at what your friend did op.