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Original poster

Heartbreak by a thousand small cuts

135 replies

PlantPhoenix · 25/07/2022 06:37

DH was admitted to our local hospice on Friday. He has terminal brain tumours. His short term memory is not great and he is really confused, not dissimilar to dementia.

He's just called me. It was so nice to answer that call because he hasn't shown any interest in his phone for a couple of weeks. He sounded almost normal when he greeted me. And then he started talking about going to work. And asking where I work. And didn't ask about the kids. This is so fucking painful.

OP posts:
almondfinger · 12/09/2022 00:27

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

loubieloo4 · 12/09/2022 00:38

Plant,

I am also going through this with my 42yr old dh but with stage 4 bowel cancer. We are not quite at the hospice stage yet but I fear it won't be long.

The loneliness is the hardest part of it all. I am thinking of you and your children. If you need anyone to talk to feel free to pm me.

notapizzaeater · 12/09/2022 01:25

It's so so hard, you want them to go because they'd hate being like this then feel guilty for thinking it. When my DH was in the hospice it really helped as they 'got it' and we could just 'do' nice things. Here if you want to chat.

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Dementia & alzheimer's
Sapphire387 · 12/09/2022 04:36

I've been there. My DP, children's father, died of a brain tumour. I recognise everything you say.

It is a tremendously hard road for you. I am so, so sorry.

If it helps at all, DP's passing was very peaceful. I hope it will be the same for yours. You are doing everything you can.

Sending much love to you and your children and the rest of the family. Try to look after yourself as much as you can.

Original poster
PlantPhoenix · 12/09/2022 06:42

@loubieloo4 I'm so sorry, it is lonely. And I'm lucky, I've got a strong support network - I reckon I could have company 24/7 if I wanted. The hospice are being great, it's what set me off yesterday! One of the carers was working in the other ward and for the second day running she popped in to check on him and was so sweet with him.

@notapizzaeater the hospice do get it, and I'm so grateful we've had that support.

@Sapphire387 brain tumours are just brutal, aren't they? I'm so glad your DP died peacefully and I hope you and your family are ok.

I'm going to make sure the children are all sorted for school, have a quick wander on the beach and then head back to be with him.

OP posts:
tellyiscrap · 12/09/2022 06:50

Sending you much love strength and thoughts from a stranger 💐

HmmWhatNameToHave · 12/09/2022 07:32

Sending you hugs Plant. We are all here for you.

Original poster
PlantPhoenix · 13/09/2022 12:24

He's taken a swift decline and is likely to have days. Had to sit down with the kids last night and talk to them and figure out what they want to do. We're having a family night by his bedside tonight because they think that might be a nice note to end on, so to speak. They've been absolute champs.

OP posts:
Nagado · 13/09/2022 12:38

There is nothing to say that won’t sound trite or superficial, but you’re being thought of and I wish you all the strength you need to get through each day 💐

bloodywhitecat · 13/09/2022 12:45

There are no words to make any of this easier for you all but you will be in my thoughts over the coming days and weeks.

LadyEloise1 · 13/09/2022 13:00

Thinking of you @PlantPhoenix** during this awful time for you and your family.
Your DH will go knowing he is so loved, and your grief will be because of that love.

Beetr00t · 13/09/2022 13:55

Heartbroken for you all. Hope tonight brings some comfort.

lechatnoir · 13/09/2022 14:03

You've been an absolute rock through the most brutal of times. I'lll be thinking of you and your Dc and hope the end is peaceful when it comes.

mommybear1 · 13/09/2022 14:08

Thinking of you all and hope that tonight brings some comfort to all Flowers

Minfilia · 13/09/2022 14:14

We just lost a family member to brain cancer so I can relate to your experience all too well.

I hope the next few days are peaceful for you all.

isthismylifenow · 13/09/2022 14:15

Oh @PlantPhoenix I don't even know you but I just want to give you the biggest hug.

This is really heartbreaking to read. You sound truly amazing.

Just want you to know that someone on the other side of the world is thinking of you all. Flowers

HilarityEnsues · 13/09/2022 14:16

I've been exactly where you are, and that loss of memory and the confusion that comes with it is so hard to bear, it was when I felt he was really lost to me. Having said that, I found once he was really in those last days of not much eating, lots of sleeping, it was much more peaceful and things like holding hands, stroking his head, were easier than trying to get through the fog of a confused brain when we were speaking more. Hope you have a good night tonight with the children there, you sound so loving and wonderful.

Lsquiggles · 13/09/2022 14:29

Sending you and your family so much love ❤

Ihatecocomelon · 13/09/2022 14:43

Good grief. Bless you and your family op. I hope your husband goes peacefully.

ChittyChittyBoomBoom · 14/09/2022 08:50

I’m so sorry 😢 I do hope the next few days are easy as can be for you all. Much love xx

Mitsouko67 · 14/09/2022 09:00

Thinking of you and your family. I hope today has some good in it for you.

It's so good you spent a little time at the beach to regroup and centre yourself.

The toughest of times and you are doing an amazing job.Good luck today.🌺🌺🌺

Original poster
PlantPhoenix · 18/09/2022 11:04

Oh I'm just going to have a rant. He's still here, still comfortable, still conscious but mainly asleep, not eating, drinking or speaking.

And in the last 12 hours I've had to tell someone who, 20 years ago, was part of our friendship group but who we haven't seen for 10 years that it really wasn't appropriate to go and visit him in the hospice, and that the girls and I didn't have the time or energy to see someone who they don't even know.

And now a member of his family (who is in their 20s) had just messaged me to say they hope everything is ok. Which of itself would be ok. But the family haven't told them about him being in the hospice ( some mental health issues and they wanted to protect).. I've sent that one back to the family to deal with.

I don't have the energy to deal with other people

OP posts:
HilarityEnsues · 18/09/2022 14:57

Rant away. People don't always realise it's not appropriate to go to the hospice in those final days, that the person may be asleep, confused or just not in a state they can be visited, and that it's a significant burden on the immediate family. We had a week in which a few close friends came, but no more visitors in the final week after that. My friend who was in a hospice was there six weeks and it was close family only for the entire time. I loved her a lot but there is something private about dying that people don't always understand, I do now and I completely understand that was the right decision for the family. You sound like you are bearing up and he is with you some of the time. I chatted so much during this time, I felt like I was talking to myself! Those little moments of awareness are wonderful though. Thoughts with you at this time and feel free to rant!

ujfbu · 18/09/2022 15:21

just want to give you a hand hold Flowers it must be very hard. Great job you are doing, looking after the children and visiting. I don't know the right words to say but just want you to know you are in my prayers.

longtompot · 18/09/2022 16:09

I have heard people have a point of contact that all family and friends not directly associated with the family that can give any news so you don't have to deal with people like long lost friends etc. Would this work for you? If so, I'd put an answer phone message on your mobile & home phone if you have them with these details.
I'm so sorry you are all going through this and I wish your dh a peaceful journey💐

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