Please help me move on from an obsession

[Needtomoveonwithlife]

For the last few weeks I have become obsessed with a minor celebrity. He is probably not a household name but is very well known in the specific genre. I met him at an event recently and it was brilliant. DH knew I was going but wasn't happy about it.

I have spent far too much time online and in my head pursuing this obsession rather than reality. DH is thoroughly fed up. He knows I am into the scene around this person but not about the obsession around him. I'm very attracted to him and have flirted with him a lot online. I'm not proud of it. I do have an obsessive personality and am very impulsive. I have never cheated on DH.

I need to make a clean break and get him out of my head. I'm leaving the online groups. I feel so guilty. I love my DH and my family and they deserve my attention. Please be kind.

FYI I have name changed

Is there a chance something could actually happen between you both? If not i think you need to consider what is missing in your current relationship/life that this obsession is 'filling the gap for' and address that.

But we need to know who though don’t we…otherwise how will we know how to help

my guilty crush is Lando Norris haha 😂 far too young for me lol

I think he is attracted to me and the attention I give him fuels his ego. He's a performer. He's 15 years older than me. I have flirted outrageously and cringe thinking back. He is married, been with her for 30 years, 3 children. I don't think even if the two of us were in a hotel room or something that he would do anything with me. I want to say I wouldn't be tempted but I would. The opportunity will never arise anyway. I have thought about it a lot.

DH and I had zero sex life for about 5 years and then at the time the obsession began, we started having sex again and it's been fantastic. He's just pissed off with me because my head is somewhere else and so won't come near me at the moment.

I need a new interest to fill the void when I make a clean break from the obsession maybe. I just don't know what.

I absolutely cannot name him. I'm sorry. I'd be annoyed reading this thread too but it's too outing.

I had a thread last night about groupies. If you could hear what the band say about these women (it was all women- not being sexist), you'd think twice. Flirt (possibly shag), but absolutely no respect for them, although I'm only going on what I've seen and heard. I seriously wouldn't risk your marriage. Your crush would never choose you over his wife. They never do.

I think you answered your own question there. You are looking elsewhere because you are unhappy at home.

adding another person into the mix is a total mistake. You have to cut contact entirely and sort your own relationship out for good.

all the best

It sounds like your chasing something that's missing from your real life here OP. If you're not happy with your DH, you need to face that head on and deal with it.

This has got very little to do with the minor celeb crush and a lot to do with the relationship with your husband, and an obsession that has got out of hand. It might as well be an obsession with tennis, or knitting. If it's affecting your life it's time to give your head a wobble, you are not a teenager, don't act like one.
If it's over with your husband then accept it and do something about it instead of mooning over somebody on the internet and causing a potential humiliating shit show for yourself, because if DH finds out you've been throwing yourself at this bloke online and it goes tits up, you can bet everyone will find out about it.
If we reverse roles and you found out that your DH had an all encompassing yet fruitless obsession with, God, let's say Jane McDonald the cruise singer and was messaging her and flirting with her and engineering ways to be in the same room as her... how would that sound? Not good. Time to get a grip.

Absolutely it's time to get a grip. Thanks for the tough love, I needed that. Cutting contact now.

I think the marriage is worth saving. We both want to work on it.

I've been a tit and am deleting all evidence. Luckily DH isn't on social media but it has been a risky business and I'm glad it's over.

Things I'm doing right now:

Unfollowing everyone involved
Leaving fan groups
Deleting comments
Packing away the memorabilia
Unsubscribing from related emails

Planning some nice family based events
Have booked 2 nights out with friends
Have a nice holiday to look forward to.

This is the end. I have been a complete twat.

Fame is like a magnet for some. Honestly without the fame and if that celebrity was a neighbour and not famous, would you feel the same attraction?

I think I would. There is something about him that's completely got under my skin, I prefer him when he's not performing actually. He obviously enjoys the attention as most men would. But its not real is it? Its a fantasy

It’s not real. It hit a nerve of something you needed but that doesn’t mean it’s real. Continue to delete & withdraw from that scene before you loose all dignity as well as loosing your marriage.

Lose! Not loose

Is he a west end theatre performer ?
ive known many adult women become engrossed in men who perform in certain shows to the point that they believe they know the men and they are ‘friends’ after meeting them at the stage door etc

the performers are often just humoring them as fans, and these women I’m sorry to say are often quite odd or obviously filling a void of some sort

I mean, I'm 43 years old and currently swooning over Harry Styles music videos so I can't comment too much.... But I will never meet him so it's a safe obsession. You've done right to stop all fan-girling activities, it will only end in (your) tears.

Not in theatre, no. He does live shows online where you can interact via a chat bar. He's paid me quite a bit of attention through that. He knows lots about me. I have removed the app.

It's over and I'm relieved and hugely guilty and ashamed.

When we met we chatted a few times, other people were always around
He hugged me 5 times. Not going to lie, I loved it. But it was probably indulging me a bit and also performing for an audience.

I feel like it's a grieving process letting go but am determined to do it. What can I do to fill the void though?

I'd watch "I'm not your friend" by ludwig on youtube. Its blunt but good, this is a one way relationship even if it seems like he's flattering you, it's because having fans/groupies/obessessives will be good for business.

To get over it throw yourself into hobbies that are good for you/your mental health. Exercise, offline hobbies, work on relationship with husband and you've done the right thing leaving the groups etc to resist the temptation. Maybe using blocker apps, to stop you searching him etc to go full cold turkey.

Thanks @CheeseWomptie you are right. Today I have these plans:

Eat a decent breakfast as I had no dinner last night

Take DD shopping and buy myself a new dress for a family event

Chill in the garden whilst DCs are out at football

Do some decluttering

Go for a swim in the evening

Today is going well. Not much sleep last night but i feel freer already. Thanks for the support

One step at a time

if you want a good laugh, read ‘Eleanor Oliphant is completely fine’ it’s about a woman who is in love with a musician, he doesn’t know about it though. It’s a good read and might take your mind off things.

reading the groupies thread has reinforced the fact that it's not real, is a fantasy and is frankly pathetic. I've done the right thing.

Well done for taking these steps OP. Cold turkey and distraction is the way to go.

I myself have been spending a fair bit of time watching the YT channel of a certain lesser known (but great) musician rather a lot recently. It hasn't got anywhere near the levels you described but I will just check myself a bit in future. Good luck 😉