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Original poster

Should I let DD go on sleepover tonight?

68 replies

nickelbabe · 15/07/2022 11:28

Yesterday, DD asked me if she could have a sleepover at her friend's - I said yes with the caveat that she go to choir practice as usual, because it was such short notice. She was happy with this. (she would go to friend's, then choir pracitce, then back to friend's for sleepover)

Today, her friend has skived off school, and phoned DD to say that she wants to spend the day with DD, and carry on into the sleepover without DD going to choir practice.

I have told DD that she cannot spend the day with friend because friend is off school without legitimate reason, and so that means that she has basically removed herself from being allowed privileges like that.

I'm now torn as to whether to let DD go on the sleepover at all. It's not just the question: putting it in typing makes it look black-and-white - friend has been mardy about it, and is making dd feel awful that she's not to play with her during the day.
I've said that DD can play with friend after 3:30, as she would if friend had gone to school.

But I'm not sure whether I should now allow her to do the sleepover, because I think that friend is using emotional blackmail.
Friend doesn't want DD to go to choir at all, even though she knows that it's the rule I put in place for saying yes.

Another addition to the backstory, is that last time she had a sleepover at friend's, I ended up arguing with DD on friend's doorstep in front of friend's parents about the fact that she had to go to choir practice because that's what she agreed to do, and that I wasn't bargaining with her on the doorstep.

If I had proper notice about sleepovers, then I would allow DD to miss choir for that session.

(drip feed - I really don't like friend's parents, don't get on with them and don't trust them, although I know they're nice to DD)

OP posts:
Mardyface · 15/07/2022 11:30

I would let DD go if she wanted to but would drop her after choir practice. Is your DD on school holidays?

TheTempest · 15/07/2022 11:31

I would say not tonight due to too much else going on, but you will set it up for the holidays. Friend sounds a bit over indulged and used to getting her own way. My DD would have a reminder about what happened last time too. I think you’re right to be reluctant on this one.

CuriousCatfish · 15/07/2022 11:33

How come your DD is off school?

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DistrictCommissioner · 15/07/2022 11:34

How old are they?

floweringpoppies · 15/07/2022 11:34

I wouldn't let her go as I wouldn't want my child with a child that so easily skives off school. This 'friend' is trying to persuade your daughter to not do as she's been asked and skive school too! Hard no here

GreenManalishi · 15/07/2022 11:34

I think maybe that this is less about choir practice and who is where and when, and more about the fact that you don't like or trust the DDs parents. That's just tagged on at the end but is fairly key, you don't mention how old your DD is, but I'd be really reticent to let my child spend time with adults I did not like or trust.

MiddleParking · 15/07/2022 11:36

Is your DD off for another reason, or is this child asking your kid to play truant today to spend time with her?

Original poster
nickelbabe · 15/07/2022 11:40

DD is Home Educated - she's 10 and friend is 8.

We have got plans for today, but not going out because it's too hot.

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 15/07/2022 11:42

I might get shit for this but I really wouldn't be encouraging this friendship.

Original poster
nickelbabe · 15/07/2022 11:45

GreenManalishi · 15/07/2022 11:34

I think maybe that this is less about choir practice and who is where and when, and more about the fact that you don't like or trust the DDs parents. That's just tagged on at the end but is fairly key, you don't mention how old your DD is, but I'd be really reticent to let my child spend time with adults I did not like or trust.

To be honest, no one in our neighbourhood likes them.

We live around a field, so all the kids play together, and the rest of the parents just avoid those parents - it's mainly because the mum is constantly arguing with everyone, but completely oblivious to the fact that she's doing so. She basically talks without engaging her brain and ends up insulting everybody in the process.

At one point or other, every family has put a ban on associating with the family, but because Friend is only 8, we feel like we want her to be friends with our kids, because we don't think it's fair on the child to be held away because of the parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
nickelbabe · 15/07/2022 11:47

WhatNoRaisins · 15/07/2022 11:42

I might get shit for this but I really wouldn't be encouraging this friendship.

I don't like encouraging it either, but it's never really been an issue before.

This year, DD has really started to argue with me over my decisions about what she does and where she goes, and I sometimes feel like every day is a battle with her.
She's got a huge Fear of Missing Out, so she struggles with her friends and neighbours playing without her.

OP posts:
Whoatealltheminieggs · 15/07/2022 11:56

i wouldn’t allow sleepovers at that age anyway.

Mardyface · 15/07/2022 11:59

I think at 10 you need to start thinking about the coming years and making sure the relationship between you and DD stays really close - because it's the most valuable thing you have if teenage years start getting tricky. For me, that means listening when she says what she wants in terms of socialising etc.

However if you don't want her to have a sleepover because you don't trust the parents that has to be a firm and consistent no surely? Changing your mind last minute is not really fair. Equally though I cannot stand it when children try to boss ME about by saying my kids ought to be allowed to do stuff... I think I'd still be saying she can play/sleepover after choir unless you're actually worried about safety.

JudgeRindersMinder · 15/07/2022 11:59

WhatNoRaisins · 15/07/2022 11:42

I might get shit for this but I really wouldn't be encouraging this friendship.

I’d agree with this. I thought they were teens with the way you were speaking-but 8 and she’s using this degree of manipulation!!!
At 10 you still have a huge amount of co trip over who your dd spends time with, and it wouldn’t be this 8 year old if she were mine

Mardyface · 15/07/2022 12:00

(but I wouldn't be dragging her away from a friend's to go to choir because that sounds like a pain in the arse for you as much as anything).

SunshineAndFizz · 15/07/2022 12:04

I'd either say yes you can go, but only after choir practice. She'll blatantly kick off when you go to pick her up otherwise - I would if someone took me away from the fun mid-way through.

averythinline · 15/07/2022 12:14

I'd take her after choir practice....

Especially as you ended up arguing with her before...

However you do need to think about what your boundaries are with this kid and your DD...
Fair enough not to punish the kid if you don't like the parents but i wouldn't let dc have sleepovers where i dont trust the parents...

Sleepovers at urs?

Thinking ahead if they aren't bothered about their kid skipping school now ....what are they not going to be bothered about as teens..

Discovereads · 15/07/2022 12:31

How is an 8yr old “skiving off school”? Are you absolutely sure she is off school without her parents permission? This doesn’t seem possible to me. Its more likely her parents have decided to keep her home today for some reason. Perhaps the heat as you say you’ve cancelled your DDs home education activity today due to the heat. So it sounds a bit pot, kettle black to me tbh.

Secondly, you sound really rigid and inflexible, what is so important about choir practice? Why would “proper notice” of a sleepover mean you’re ok with her not going to a choir practice, but short notice sleepover means she must go to choir practice? Why does it matter so much?

Id be letting them play today to be fair. What else is there for her to do?

Mariposista · 15/07/2022 12:45

It sounds like this girl gets far too much freedom for an 8 year old. At this age sleepovers and playdates are arranged by parents - why has she got access to a phone to contact your daughter (who IMO is also too young for a phone). Call the shots here.

shreddednips · 15/07/2022 12:58

I wouldn't be dropping her off then collecting her for choir practise- that's just going to end in tears. I'd drop her off after though for the sleepover unless you're worried that the parents are unsafe to leave her with.

SummerL0ving · 15/07/2022 13:08

I would stick to your guns. She can go to the friend's house before choir practice and she can go to the sleepover after practice. I would have probably simplified it and said she can go after choir practice so there isn't too much back and forth but stick to what you said now.

I agree with you that I would cancel choir if given more notice of the sleepover but she is committed to going to the club now.

Also, I agree with a pp that I would not be encouraging this friendship. I wouldn't want my child spending too much time with a child who randomly skips school. Maybe this can be the last sleepover with this friend for a long time?

GreenManalishi · 15/07/2022 13:17

I was also guessing mid teens. I would be giving this a massive swerve, no way my DC would have been overnight anywhere I wasn't 100% of at that age or way older. This level of opposition isn't going to be fun going forward. If you like the other child, offer a sleep over at your place as a compromise. Getting into this amount of aggro with a ten year old doesn't bode well, try to flex where you can ie choir practice, so you can save the rigid boundaries and get her on side when you need a hard nope.

Original poster
nickelbabe · 15/07/2022 13:40

un-be-fucking-lievable!!
Friend has just called DD on the phone, and DD is engaging in conversation!!

She's already been told that she's not allowed to talk to Friend until the time that Friend would normally be finished at school!

OP posts:
Original poster
nickelbabe · 15/07/2022 13:42

Discovereads · 15/07/2022 12:31

How is an 8yr old “skiving off school”? Are you absolutely sure she is off school without her parents permission? This doesn’t seem possible to me. Its more likely her parents have decided to keep her home today for some reason. Perhaps the heat as you say you’ve cancelled your DDs home education activity today due to the heat. So it sounds a bit pot, kettle black to me tbh.

Secondly, you sound really rigid and inflexible, what is so important about choir practice? Why would “proper notice” of a sleepover mean you’re ok with her not going to a choir practice, but short notice sleepover means she must go to choir practice? Why does it matter so much?

Id be letting them play today to be fair. What else is there for her to do?

I'm sure she's got the parents' permission - doesn't mean that it's not skiving.
She is supposed to be at school today, and she's not ill, therefore she's skiving.

OP posts:
Original poster
nickelbabe · 15/07/2022 13:43

nickelbabe · 15/07/2022 13:42

I'm sure she's got the parents' permission - doesn't mean that it's not skiving.
She is supposed to be at school today, and she's not ill, therefore she's skiving.

Show quote history

We haven't cancelled DD's Home Ed activity today - we are doing our education as planned. It's just that we're not going out. We hadn't planned to go out, I was just clarifying that we were at home, home, and not out.

OP posts: