Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Should I let DD go on sleepover tonight?

68 replies

nickelbabe · 15/07/2022 11:28

Yesterday, DD asked me if she could have a sleepover at her friend's - I said yes with the caveat that she go to choir practice as usual, because it was such short notice. She was happy with this. (she would go to friend's, then choir pracitce, then back to friend's for sleepover)

Today, her friend has skived off school, and phoned DD to say that she wants to spend the day with DD, and carry on into the sleepover without DD going to choir practice.

I have told DD that she cannot spend the day with friend because friend is off school without legitimate reason, and so that means that she has basically removed herself from being allowed privileges like that.

I'm now torn as to whether to let DD go on the sleepover at all. It's not just the question: putting it in typing makes it look black-and-white - friend has been mardy about it, and is making dd feel awful that she's not to play with her during the day.
I've said that DD can play with friend after 3:30, as she would if friend had gone to school.

But I'm not sure whether I should now allow her to do the sleepover, because I think that friend is using emotional blackmail.
Friend doesn't want DD to go to choir at all, even though she knows that it's the rule I put in place for saying yes.

Another addition to the backstory, is that last time she had a sleepover at friend's, I ended up arguing with DD on friend's doorstep in front of friend's parents about the fact that she had to go to choir practice because that's what she agreed to do, and that I wasn't bargaining with her on the doorstep.

If I had proper notice about sleepovers, then I would allow DD to miss choir for that session.

(drip feed - I really don't like friend's parents, don't get on with them and don't trust them, although I know they're nice to DD)

OP posts:
WeeHaggisFace · 15/07/2022 13:46

You've removed your daughter from school education and you have an issue with another child not being in school? 🤔

MrsWooster · 15/07/2022 13:47

nickelbabe · 15/07/2022 13:40

un-be-fucking-lievable!!
Friend has just called DD on the phone, and DD is engaging in conversation!!

She's already been told that she's not allowed to talk to Friend until the time that Friend would normally be finished at school!

This needs some consequences. The pair of them are running rings round you.

floweringpoppies · 15/07/2022 13:48

nickelbabe · 15/07/2022 13:40

un-be-fucking-lievable!!
Friend has just called DD on the phone, and DD is engaging in conversation!!

She's already been told that she's not allowed to talk to Friend until the time that Friend would normally be finished at school!

This is why the sleepover needs to be cancelled. It needs to be a consequence for the other child as much as yours.

@WeeHaggisFace you know it's not the same, for goodness sake give your head a wobble

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
WeeHaggisFace · 15/07/2022 13:49

I don't know if it's the same or not. The parents may well have a legitimate reason for removing their daughter from school today.

It may very well be the same. Who's to judge?

Discovereads · 15/07/2022 13:50

nickelbabe · 15/07/2022 13:42

I'm sure she's got the parents' permission - doesn't mean that it's not skiving.
She is supposed to be at school today, and she's not ill, therefore she's skiving.

Show quote history

Well so is your DD too, as your DD is also not ill and also not in school or doing home Ed. (As you’ve cancelled her home Ed).

Discovereads · 15/07/2022 13:51

nickelbabe · 15/07/2022 13:43

We haven't cancelled DD's Home Ed activity today - we are doing our education as planned. It's just that we're not going out. We hadn't planned to go out, I was just clarifying that we were at home, home, and not out.

Show quote history

Sorry just seen this. So why is your DD even answering the phone!

Mardyface · 15/07/2022 13:52

It is difficult to be rude and say go away on the phone. Is your DD allowed to answer the phone to other people during learning time? If so, that's a really tricky situation for her.

Discovereads · 15/07/2022 13:54

Mardyface · 15/07/2022 13:52

It is difficult to be rude and say go away on the phone. Is your DD allowed to answer the phone to other people during learning time? If so, that's a really tricky situation for her.

Yeah, the phone should be switched off/on silent during learning time.

GreenManalishi · 15/07/2022 13:55

This is not un-be-fucking-leivable, this is two young girls taking advantage of the fact that they haven't got any clear and consistent boundaries. They're not monsters, or deviants, either of them, they're just kids. I'd work on improving the relationship between you and your daughter rather than what the neighbours are up to.

Heartofglass12345 · 15/07/2022 13:56

Does you daughter actually enjoy going to the choir, does she have a choice?
I'm sure her friends parents wouldn't have let her stay home from school without a reason, 8 year olds can't skive!

LouisRenault · 15/07/2022 14:00

It is difficult to be rude and say go away on the phone.

she doesn't have to be rude, she can just say 'sorry, I can't talk now, I'm in the middle of doing xxxx,' just as an adult does if they get a phone call at a time that's not convenient.

parenthood1989 · 15/07/2022 14:03

nickelbabe · 15/07/2022 11:40

DD is Home Educated - she's 10 and friend is 8.

We have got plans for today, but not going out because it's too hot.

I thought you were taking about teenagers. How about 'no, you can't sleepover on a Friday, you have choir practice, what about another day?'

Original poster
nickelbabe · 15/07/2022 14:05

WeeHaggisFace · 15/07/2022 13:46

You've removed your daughter from school education and you have an issue with another child not being in school? 🤔

No, my DD is electively Home Educated, which means she doesn't go to school because she is educated at home.
Her friend is registered at a school and is due to be in school today but has decided not to go today.
That's a fully different thing.

That's like you saying that someone who isn't in a swimming club is wrong because they aren't going swimming....

OP posts:
Original poster
nickelbabe · 15/07/2022 14:06

Discovereads · 15/07/2022 13:50

Well so is your DD too, as your DD is also not ill and also not in school or doing home Ed. (As you’ve cancelled her home Ed).

Show quote history

I haven't cancelled her Home Ed.

At all.
I said we weren't going out today, that's not the same as not doing anything today.

OP posts:
WeeHaggisFace · 15/07/2022 14:08

No it's not. It's me saying that you dont know the parents reasons for keeping their child off school so stop judging someone else's choice when you have have made your own for your child that many have negative opinions about.

You just need to read to homeschooling threads to see how divisive your choices are amongst the general population.

Original poster
nickelbabe · 15/07/2022 14:13

Discovereads · 15/07/2022 13:54

Yeah, the phone should be switched off/on silent during learning time.

Show quote history

this is exactly what I told her.
Earlier, Friend rang, and I told her that she wasn't to talk to her on the phone while Friend should be at school, but that she could talk after school hours.
Her phone is normally in her room, but she went downstairs, where friend rang her again. and she answered it.
I didn't know she'd taken the phone downstairs or that friend had rung again, until I heard dd talking out loud downstairs.

I made her hang up, and have explained again why I told her she wasn't to speak to Friend until usual school ending time.

Yes, we have these rules so that DD has time to do her own learning, but obviously she's allowed breaks in between, which is when the opportunity came.

I'm truly at the end of my tether with this relationahip - friend also seems to spend a lot of time pitting DD and anther friend against each other.
But it's hard to say no when DD is genuinely upset that she can't be with friend - she puts a lot into friendships and gets really wrapped up in them, and it's so difficult to pull her out of it.

OP posts:
Mardyface · 15/07/2022 14:13

If you don't want her to have a sleepover, don't let her. I hate them myself. But getting cross about her engaging on the phone when she is allowed her phone and somebody else calls her seems like creating something for which the consequence can be no sleepover. Don't spend the day having an argument about it that allows her to feel really hard done by. If there's a blanket ban on sleepovers at this girl's house, that's OK. If it's too much faff with choir tonight, that's OK. If talking to people during learning time is forbidden, take the phone away.

You need to listen to what she wants socially because she's 10 and it's her job to start the long process of growing away from you - but you don't have to say yes to what she wants every time.

(@LouisRenault yes, it's easy for adults to say they're busy... mostly but not always, but not for kids who need to learn phone skills like everything else)

NuffSaidSam · 15/07/2022 14:14

I think you need to take a deep breath and think about how old this child is.

At 8, she's not skiving off school, she's being badly let down by her parents (or there is a valid reason that you don't know). Either way it isn't her fault and isn't surprising that she's bored and wants your DD to play/talk.

She's also very unlikely to be an emotional manipulating mastermind. Far more likely that she's 8 and emotionally immature like all 8 year olds are. They can be unpleasant but it's not accurate, helpful or kind to attribute adult level intent to it.

Original poster
nickelbabe · 15/07/2022 14:14

WeeHaggisFace · 15/07/2022 14:08

No it's not. It's me saying that you dont know the parents reasons for keeping their child off school so stop judging someone else's choice when you have have made your own for your child that many have negative opinions about.

You just need to read to homeschooling threads to see how divisive your choices are amongst the general population.

so you'd let your child hang out with a child who isn't at school but would normally be, when you have plans already, and it didn't include someone else's child?

OP posts:
Original poster
nickelbabe · 15/07/2022 14:16

NuffSaidSam · 15/07/2022 14:14

I think you need to take a deep breath and think about how old this child is.

At 8, she's not skiving off school, she's being badly let down by her parents (or there is a valid reason that you don't know). Either way it isn't her fault and isn't surprising that she's bored and wants your DD to play/talk.

She's also very unlikely to be an emotional manipulating mastermind. Far more likely that she's 8 and emotionally immature like all 8 year olds are. They can be unpleasant but it's not accurate, helpful or kind to attribute adult level intent to it.

and all of those reasons are why I haven't given a blanket ban on DD hanging around with her.
I don't think it's fair to "punish" either DD or friend by saying "these choices are dodgy, you can't see each other", because I know it's not either of their faults, and that they're growign and have to learn about their own rights and responsibilities.
I just hate that DD spends more time caring about what friend wants than what her part of her own family is.

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 15/07/2022 14:20

I just hate that DD spends more time caring about what friend wants than what her part of her own family is.

That's growing up!

Caring more about their friends than their family is par for the course with tweenies/teenagers!

TinyTear · 15/07/2022 14:23

Why does a 10 year old have a phone? Especially if she is HE and it's not as if she needs it when walking to and from school?

CoastalWave · 15/07/2022 14:27

Sleepovers are a big no no in our house. The risk of abuse is too high. And you don't even like these parents?!

Just put your foot and say sleepover is off because said friend has been poorly today. If her Mum has a problem with that, get her to ring you.

Other child needs to know there's consequences. You can't just skive and then dictate the fun stuff.

SallyWD · 15/07/2022 14:35

What time is choir practice? It seems a bit odd yo go to her friend's, then leave for choir practice, then go back to friends house. Is it very late or something? Can't they have sleepovers on a night when there's no choir practice?! This seems to be a repeat problem!

grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 15/07/2022 14:53

Caring and want to spend more time is natural process of growing up, isn't it? Majority of children spend quite a lot of portion of their time with friends at school. Maybe she's missing that, rather than afraid of missing anything out?

Rules should be implemented by you, like no phone until work has finished, like same goes for children at school.
And I would just just take her and drop off for choir, no matter what her friend say, since that was the agreed condition. Or sleep over is off.