Should I let DD go on sleepover tonight?

[nickelbabe]

Yesterday, DD asked me if she could have a sleepover at her friend's - I said yes with the caveat that she go to choir practice as usual, because it was such short notice. She was happy with this. (she would go to friend's, then choir pracitce, then back to friend's for sleepover)

Today, her friend has skived off school, and phoned DD to say that she wants to spend the day with DD, and carry on into the sleepover without DD going to choir practice.

I have told DD that she cannot spend the day with friend because friend is off school without legitimate reason, and so that means that she has basically removed herself from being allowed privileges like that.

I'm now torn as to whether to let DD go on the sleepover at all. It's not just the question: putting it in typing makes it look black-and-white - friend has been mardy about it, and is making dd feel awful that she's not to play with her during the day.
I've said that DD can play with friend after 3:30, as she would if friend had gone to school.

But I'm not sure whether I should now allow her to do the sleepover, because I think that friend is using emotional blackmail.
Friend doesn't want DD to go to choir at all, even though she knows that it's the rule I put in place for saying yes.

Another addition to the backstory, is that last time she had a sleepover at friend's, I ended up arguing with DD on friend's doorstep in front of friend's parents about the fact that she had to go to choir practice because that's what she agreed to do, and that I wasn't bargaining with her on the doorstep.

If I had proper notice about sleepovers, then I would allow DD to miss choir for that session.

(drip feed - I really don't like friend's parents, don't get on with them and don't trust them, although I know they're nice to DD)

My dd has had sleep overs since age was 8. Although I know the parents and have their phone numbers and they come to mine often. If you don't know / like the parents then I wouldn't allow her to stop choir or not.

un-be-fucking-lievable!!
Friend has just called DD on the phone, and DD is engaging in conversation!!

She's already been told that she's not allowed to talk to Friend until the time that Friend would normally be finished at school!

Sorry OP but you can’t judge this other child or her family when you have no control over your own 8 year old!

Shes arguing with you in front of other people, using her phone when she’s meant to be at school herself (even during homeschooling she shouldn’t have her phone on her), not going to choir practice etc.

This other family aren’t the problem here and you need to look at your own situation.

You choose to homeschool your child yet judge this family for allowing their child to stay at home for one day.

FWIW if my DD has a day off she’s not allowed to see her friends that day either.

I personally would have said go to choir practice and then go to the sleepover afterwards.

Does she enjoy choir?

I'm with another poster - I really can't be doing with other children telling me what MY child can and cannot do. It's breathtakingly entitled and so, so, so rude of them to speak to an adult that way, but I've come across it a few times, including one lovely darling who would outright interrupt our conversations to argue with me, and once wrote DD a note (at age 7!), to say 'you don't have to listen to your mum DD.

That child's mum was also a nightmare, and actually complained to the school that parents were being mean to her kid and leaving her out of invites. Can't think why!!

In this case, whilst I appreciate you feel sorry for the other child, you have to put your own child first. Nothing you've written would make me want to encourage this friendship, quite honestly. Not trusting the other parent would be a hard no for any sleepover straightaway, and the blatant breaking of your rules around it would have me reconsidering now in any case.

I wasn't judging her friend for rining, I was judging dd for taking the call when she wasn't supposed to be using the phone.
She was having a break, downstairs, and didn't ask if she could answer. I only knew becuase I heard her talking, and I immediately told her to hang up.

I have already dealt with her arguing with me in front of other people - I told her that if she wants to discuss things with me, she does that away from others, and if i say a rule in front of others, that's final.
I was just filling in historical gaps.

yes, she enjoys choir

I wasn't judging her friend for rining, I was judging dd for taking the call when she wasn't supposed to be using the phone.

I know but you have judged the friend and family a lot but it seems that your DD is the one that is the issue here.

It sounds like you don’t have much control over her at all.

Maybe it’s because you feel guilty because she’s homeschooled and don’t want her missing out or maybe it’s because you’re too strict and she’s starting to rebel.

I don't feel guilty for her being home educated. I definitely don't feel she misses out, because she does quite a lot of activities outside the home, both with other HE kids and with kids from the local area etc.

But yes, I worry I don't have enough control over her. I mean, I don't want to control her, but I would like her to be a bit more willing to go along with us more.
I worry about how much I need her to "obey" and how much I want her to make her own decisions. Guidance, I suppose. I want her to accept my guidance, and not put so much on what other people's children do (even though most families around here are more strict than us. Maybe that's why she prefers being with Friend, because Friend's family is more relaxed than her other friends' families)

When I read the OP I thought this was teenagers!

Both the friend and your DD sound like spoiled madams to be honest - and that's not down to them is it?

I don't understand why your daughter can't talk to her friend on the phone until after the friend would have finished school - that seems a very odd rule. After everything else you've said, what difference does it make?

so you'd let your child hang out with a child who isn't at school but would normally be, when you have plans already, and it didn't include someone else's child?

No, but it would be because we had plans not because the child isn't in school but then I also wouldn't leave my child in the care of adults I don't trust so I guess we're just cut from a different cloth.

But the reason friend wanted to play is because she wasn't at school and was bored.
Whereas my dd already had a schedule for the day.

She didn't go in the end.
We had a huge talk about it and she agreed that it wasn't right ffor that night, and that we would revisit the idea at a later date.
She wanted tto know MN advice, and she's taking it on board.

A lot of these problems wouldn’t arise if a 10 year old doesn’t have a phone

Obvious question.

Why plan the sleepover when she has choir practice?

No she didnt 😂 Mummy please tell me what MN said and i will take on board...?

Why can't DD use her phone?

She didn't say "I'll ttake it on board".
She said "why don't you ask mumsnet! They'll tell you to let me go!" Because she thinks I only do what MN allows

At that point she was on a phone ban as a consequence for something

I didn't. That's part of the point

No sleepovers until they were 10 and no phones until first year high school here. And if you're in a choir you're part of a team so you don't pick and choose when you go. Sleepovers afterwards.
I suggest you minimise contact with other child as she seems a poor influence. Or set up a structure, activities etc so both kids are happier to be at your home ie get off Mumsnet while stuff like this is going on.