Did you marry the type of man you thought you would ?

[LovelyYellowLabrador]

I always thought I’d marry a tradesman type man, probably because that’s what my dad was

funny how strong these senses of unconscious bias are formed

I thought I'd marry a poet, someone small and dark with round glasses. I married a tall blond software engineer who just about has a meltdown if I quote poetry!

I thought he'd have dark hair, but otherwise, yes.

So much better. I grew up with very poor role models and didn’t think men like my DH existed. 🥰

I always very strongly insisted I'd never get married then when I met now dh I changed my mind!

No better.

I never thought I'd get married. I gave up on men for serious relationships in my mid 20s. But I did go on to get married to the type of man I expected. Hardworking, down to earth, working class, handsome.

I had very low self esteem and thought I would marry someone who had basically compromised with me and would tolerate me at best.

I married someone who strangely adores me and even 20 years later says daily I am the best thing that ever happened to him. Totally bizarre and i still have to pinch myself!

My DH has the kind of job and personality I expected to marry. I had hoped it would come in a better looking package but I guess you can’t have everything.

Yes, I married a nice looking, pleasant unambitious mid ranking software engineer as expected. Who is now a paramedic which is bizarre but suits him very well.

I thought he'd have hair! 😂😂

No, but we're not together anymore to maybe that says it all!

No. I don’t think I ever expected to marry at all. I certainly didn’t imagine what kind of husband I’d be looking for.

I did get married, and it turned out that he wasn’t the kind of man I thought he was (to the point of marrying him). I imagined him to be someone who would be on my side and care enough to support me. But I was totally wrong about that.

That’s me too! I certainly wouldn’t have married anyone who wasn’t kind, funny, generous, supportive, honest and loyal, so it’s lucky I found DH. Together nearly 25 years now.

Yes, in that he is kind, fun, cleverer than me, similarly attractive (though aging better than I am), similar views, politics and interests.

No, in that he is messy, scruffy, sporty, impractical and very unpretentious (I was quite a pretentious teen/young adult and envisaged similar).

We met when we were 18, so we've done a lot of growing into our adult selves together.

Not the first time. The second time, yes.

Neither time. Especially not the second time, on paper there are several things about him I wouldn’t have considered, including him already having children. But we’re actually very similar in many ways and I’ve never felt like I really recognised someone in such a deep and meaningful way before. I never gave any thought to looks but it turns out that tall, dark and handsome is exactly my type 😊

I never had any thoughts about about the type of man I'd marry, other than blue eyes were a preference. Luckily he has them!

I met DH after previously having had a bad relationship, never thought I'd meet anyone who'd treat me properly, so bought my own flat. DH owned the flat above me! He was around while I painted my flat walls yellow, or pink, bought flowery furniture and quilt covers. Then he proposed and moved in stating I wasn't to change anything as I should enjoy my flat a bit longer. He must be made, but he's still with me 28 years later.

Literally this.

I didn't have any idea of what kind of man I would marry or even that I would marry at all....just had never given it even a passing thought.

Well I thought I would marry Michael Hutchence...so no. But I got a better deal in the end 😄

My default type was always tall, dark and handsome, especially with blue eyes, perhaps slightly arty or a musician. Patrick Dempsey, Richard Armitage.

DH is fairly tall, a bit round in the middle and ginger and has not a arty bone in his body. Probably for the best though😀

For example, I thought I was marrying a man who would pool resources with me and support me temporarily during the (totally planned) maternity leave where my income reduced/disappeared. I pooled all my resources with him. I kept up my side of the bargain.

Turned out, he never actually pooled resources properly with me. He omitted to mention the savings he was sitting on and let me pool everything with him. Indeed, he continued not to mention this when it turned out there was a shortfall and I wasn’t able to use a portion of my equity to pay off credit card debt (much of which was incurred in the house buying process). He sat on his savings and benefitted from my equity and my incurring debt (totally unnecessarily).

Then, during maternity leave, the bastard financially abused me (further, I now recognise). First he decided to transfer the savings we’d accrued together into his sole name. And made some excuse about accessibility of the account they were originally in. Then he opened himself a new current account and had his wages paid in there. All the bills and spending came out of the joint account. He’d drip feed tiny amounts of money in to cover bills (that might affect his credit rating) but ensured there was never more than about £10 in there.

He kept complaining about overspending, and I was too sleep deprived and exhausted to properly check. So I just assumed we were running out of money immediate after payday and I needed to cut back. It took me about 3 months to realise what he’d done. Even when I did he made out he was entirely reasonable on the basis that he needed to use ‘his savings’ (all that money he was keeping back from the shared pool, while I shared everything) to pay for a house repair. That was c. £3k. I have since discovered that the bastard had accrued over £60k in savings while I had nothing and shared everything with him.

So, no. I did not marry the kind of man I thought I would. Or the kind of man I thought he was. And it’s way beyond whether he’s got the right kind of job or looks the way I thought. Much more important than either - and I judged it entirely wrong.

I never expected nor intended to marry a lying, cheating narcissist, so no!

Marrying a blonde was unexpected. I’ve dated two blondes ever one of which was dirty blonde. Always like dark eyed men.

You did not judge it wrong. Don't lay the blame of that at your door. He purposely misled you and lied to you and used you. He's at fault. Not you.

I am so sorry.