Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

If you don’t like being asked “are you ok?”, what do you like to be asked?

54 replies

IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece · 12/07/2022 07:22

I have a lovely friend who hate being asked “are you ok?” Or “hope you’re ok” and I’m never sure what to say instead so normally fumble my way through!

so just thought I’d ask, what do people prefer instead!

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 12/07/2022 07:25

Is there a reason you are asking if she is ok? The question sort of implies you think she might not be.

orangeisthenewpuce · 12/07/2022 07:29

Poor her. Being asked if you're ok isn't the worst thing to be asked. She can answer yes or no. I wouldn't ask her anything if it upsets her so much.

TigerRag · 12/07/2022 07:30

My late granddad hated this question towards the end of his life. (he had cancer) He preferred being asked how his day was.

ofwarren · 12/07/2022 07:34

It depends on the reason she's being asked

WishingWell5 · 12/07/2022 07:40

How has your day been?
Are you up to much this week?
Do you fancy doing something?
Have you heard about x, y, Z? What do you think about it? I think ...

Just have a normal conversation?

I don't feel the need to constantly ask people if they are ok, it can also come across as passive aggressive (depending how said) eg implying that they are not. I find that men often do this to women when they perceive them to be ' in a mood'

TeaMeBasil · 12/07/2022 07:40

I think if you are a bit stumped as to what else you can say then maybe 'are you ok?' has become a bit of a default question for you - maybe you've just overused it and she's a bit sick of hearing it?

NoSquirrels · 12/07/2022 07:41

It’s an odd thing to ask for no reason. When you say “what do people prefer instead” are you thinking in general greeting (“How are you?” or “How’s things?” or “How’s it going?”) or are you thinking when you know there’s something up/something difficult going on for her - in which case all the above work too, or you can ask about the specific situation.

“Are you OK?” is sort of simultaneously vague and accusatory, so I’m not a fan either.

SlowingDownAndDown · 12/07/2022 07:43

How are you?/how are you doing?

NippyWoowoo · 12/07/2022 07:49

To say nothing. Hi! Is sufficient. I don't think I ever say 'are you ok' to someone unless they're just fallen over.

TreePoser · 12/07/2022 07:51

Does she hate it because it puts her in a role? The role of struggling, or stressed?

I would like to know somebody who saw me and got me knew i needed to be asked right now, but if i was fine, and somebody was placing me in the role of 'poor woman' then id hate it.

It has happened, a few people decided to help me well, one woman. It was weird.

carefullycourageous · 12/07/2022 07:54

'Are you OK?' is an odd question unless you know they are not ok. Are you being a bit patronising? I have a longstanding friend who does this to me and it grates as I had some issues ten years ago they knew about but they act as if I'm permanently broken when I'm fine (and have been for about nine years since).

I'd open with something more neutral.

Is this verbal or by text?

easyday · 12/07/2022 08:03

Yea it does sound like 'awww you don't look/sound well, are you ok hun'? Like 'I'm doing great but you are obviously not'.
Hi how are you? Is mainly a non question too - how many say anything other than 'fine' or 'good'. How many really expect someone to respond at all?
My teenage son said when he first started working people asked him this and he would start to answer then realise they'd already moved on - it's just a meaningless greeting most of the time.
With friends I more likely sit down and say 'so tell me what's going on in your life'. If just meeting them at the school gates for example I just say hi.
I also really hate it when people I don't know, say someone work related or selling me something, rings me on the phone, and starts with how are you? They couldn't care less and I always forget to ask it back and as people are so trained in the 'how are you' 'good and you' exchange it leaves a slightly awkward pause! Let's drop the whole thing.

OohNewRug · 12/07/2022 08:07

I've had some shit going on and it's such a pointless question. Of course I'm not OK. Ask me how was your doctors appointment? Would you like me to look after your kids Tuesday afternoon? Fancy meeting at the park on Sunday?

TreePoser · 12/07/2022 08:08

It can be projecting or it can be passive aggressive. Maybe rarely. Maybe 90% of people who ask this question are checking in with you, kind of qsking "are we still attuned here?" so it's reallybare we ok? which is a joint issue or it's the asker's insecurity.

Somebody upthread said a man at work asked her this whe he perceived her to be in a mood. Not friendly enough to him? No accommodating enough to him? Sticking to her own agenda? I can see how some men perceive this staying firm in your own agenda to be a mood. "Are you ok?" could sometimes mean "you have no right to object/put yourself first/have a reaction".

My mother for one would not understand this at all so ...i expect to be told im ridiculous !

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 12/07/2022 08:08

There are very few people who could ask “are you ok?” and have me answer anything other than “lovely thanks, you?” so I’d really rather talk about the weather.

Greenberg · 12/07/2022 08:14

How are you? In a neutral tone is surely better? It's a much less leading question as it could lead to the reply, I've had a great day, whereas 'Are you okay' implies thar the questioner expects that you're not. If even that is too much, maybe 'how's things' or just 'hi' and then talk about your week for a bit, and let her decide what she wants to talk about and when.

EarringsandLipstick · 12/07/2022 08:27

As PPs have said, context is everything.

If you are asking 'are you ok?' because you are aware she is dealing with something difficult, it's quite annoying - you know she's not ok, and it doesn't leave her anywhere to go in terms of opening up?

'How are you?' and meaning it, with appropriate space for her to open up if she wants to, is best.

But if it's just a greeting (and I know in the UK, 'you ok?' or 'alright?' is more of a greeting than it is here in Ireland), then that sounds like a bit of an over-reaction.

chilledbubble · 12/07/2022 08:29

Why are you asking them? Do you think they might not be ok?

cheapskatemum · 12/07/2022 08:46

TigerRag · 12/07/2022 07:30

My late granddad hated this question towards the end of his life. (he had cancer) He preferred being asked how his day was.

This is a really helpful response. I sometimes ask friends if they're ok, if I know they're going through a hard time. I had no idea about the negative connotations listed on this thread, I thought contacting them was better than not contacting them. I will now use this and some of the other suggestions instead. I don't see my friends as perennial victims, we all go through hard times.

balalake · 12/07/2022 08:58

How are you? good enough for me.

With work colleagues if I know they have young children or a cat or a dog, I will ask about their child or pet. Or something about them if I have not spoken for a while (how did exams go if they probably had them, if it were today).

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 12/07/2022 09:02

I’ve never heard this outside north staffordshire but we used to have a lovely phrase which was a greeting and a question at the same time:
Howdoo?
I liked hearing it. Otherwise would you feel comfortable with ‘how’s it going?’

ginslinger · 12/07/2022 09:05

it particularly annoys me when I'm asked that in a shop when they really mean, 'can i help you' or 'would you like some help'

ImShrunk · 12/07/2022 09:05

Howdoo?

The whole of Yorkshire several million times per hour

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 12/07/2022 09:24

@ImShrunk Haha I had no idea people said it up there too!

AfterSchoolWorry · 12/07/2022 09:32

Why are you asking them though?

I'd find it irritating to be asked that all the time.