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Original poster

Reasonable to ask a guest not to do this when staying over?

87 replies

Celia24 · 09/07/2022 00:37

Ok so the caveat is the guest is my mother - but still a guest!

We were often at odds during my childhood as she loved a noisy house. TV or radio always on in in the background. I hated it and had a lot of sleepless nights because of it.

Anyway when she comes to visit she follows the same routine as at home. She loudly plays a radio show she always listens to, taking it into each room as she goes. Last time on Sunday morning she stayed over and played it loudly in the shower while I slept next door - it woke me up significantly earlier and annoyed me.

When I came into my living room she kept playing it. I think it's rude tbh - although I'd like her to feel at home but it isn't the same as being home. Am I being a bad host to say can you please keep it off when you stay?

OP posts:
Iwonder08 · 09/07/2022 06:54

Why can't you gift her headphones? And tell her to use it in the mornings so she doesn't wake up everyone.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 09/07/2022 07:00

PS. And yes to the idea that your and my DM see it as an extension of their home. Ask me about the time DM talked to a random cold caller on the doorstep, and told him I did in fact need new garage doors, and it took me months to stop him calling. Yes, my garage doors are disintegrating, no I'm not replacing them. She still doesn't see that this was overstepping, so you know, as Dylan said on Casualty recently, "You can't play chess with a pigeon" Grin

Sweatinglikeabitch · 09/07/2022 07:20

Buy "yourself" some headphones. I hate noise, no way could I cope with that. Just say "turn that off its doing my head in, you can have my new headphones if you want, I was excited for them but it's OK you can have them" (she'll probably want them if she thinks they're special to you)
Why would her way of life stand in her house and her way of life stand in your house. Either guests get priority, so her house should be quiet when you're there. Or residents get priority, so your house should be quiet even when she's there.

HarlanPepper · 09/07/2022 07:37

sashh · 09/07/2022 03:09

She needs headphones.

It's the Archers isn't it?

Came here to post this! I'd put money on it. My mum's the same.

WarrenGRegulate · 09/07/2022 07:40

@sashh 😂 this was exactly my thought. It’s got to be the archers!

iRun2eatCake · 09/07/2022 07:43

Celia24 · 09/07/2022 01:22

She was quite a controlling parent @Carlycat so I actually find it hard sometimes to tell her 'no you can't do this in my home.'

This weekend I'm going to request she doesn't do this as I need to sleep. If she challenges it I'll say I think I see future overnight stays as problematic then. Harsh? I don't think so if she can't respect me. When I have friends to stay they all keep it down - I think she sees my home as an extension of her home. It isn't.

I don't think that's harsh at all.

WarrenGRegulate · 09/07/2022 07:43

And OP this would drive me UP the wall!!!!!!!!

BruceAndNosh · 09/07/2022 07:45

The Archers is only on for 15 minutes twice a day (apart from Sundays)
This sounds like local radio

CallOnMe · 09/07/2022 07:53

What does she say when you ask her to turn it down or off?

Do you think she’s trying to wake you up in the morning?
I know some mums who think when they’re awake everyone else should be too.

CrystalCoco · 09/07/2022 07:54

My reply is tongue-in-cheek: be thankful it's your Mum and she's only staying with you for a visit - my DH does this and after nearly two decades it still drives me nuts. If he puts in ear buds it's worse cos then we can't chat at all.

sendwineandastraw · 09/07/2022 08:09

I’m wondering if there are deeper rooted issues here, you mention your childhood and how you hated the noise and had sleepless nights, I find this interesting as most children are comforted by homely noise as they try to sleep...

if not, In the grand scheme of things is it really a big deal, she’s your mum and I’m guessing she doesn’t stay over too regularly.

My mum comes and stays occasionally her thing is she likes to have lots of her bits around her, tissue, bits of paper that she’s written stuff down on, her kindle, TENS machine, wires, knitting, her purse, sandals and slippers...

Often we have spent quite a long time making the house look nice for them arriving and it would be really easy to feel grumpy with all the “mess” but I don’t because she’s my mum and these things bring her comfort.

I don’t want to pull out the we are privileged to still have our parents with their old ways.....

Sittininafield · 09/07/2022 08:13

If it is the Archers Sunday omnibus, it doesn’t start till 10 so I don’t think that’s too bad. Maybe she’s wondering why you are still in bed when you have guests? Perhaps you could show her how to use ‘sounds’ bbc radio iplayer app though!

Quitelikeit · 09/07/2022 08:15

This depends on how loud she is playing it.

I think I would allow it as long as it wasn’t before 7am and after 10pm

you seem like you are harbouring a resentment from your younger years

feel free to tell her ‘turn it down or next time you can’t stay’ but tbh that is mean and harsh

however I do get a sense that you two are very alike!

hugoagogo · 09/07/2022 08:16

Could she have tinnitus? Dm has music on all day to drown out the noise in her head.
Your dm is still inconsiderate I would tell her not to play it without headphones.
I am so glad so many people agree that this is not on, not wanting the radio on has marked me out for a weirdo before!Hmm

AmaryIlis · 09/07/2022 08:19

Celia24 · 09/07/2022 01:11

Yeah unfortunately I am a very light sleeper.

For some reason neither her or my dad own a set of headphones. I thought it was pretty standard for most people these days!

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Well, there's a lovely present you can give her next time she visits.

bumblingbovine49 · 09/07/2022 08:21

Celia24 · 09/07/2022 01:11

Yeah unfortunately I am a very light sleeper.

For some reason neither her or my dad own a set of headphones. I thought it was pretty standard for most people these days!

Show quote history

Buy her some headphones or lend her some of yours and ask her to use them when she is not in her room. She will have to forego the radio show while in the shower but that is a small compromise.

Amazonisaddictive · 09/07/2022 08:23

notamilf · 09/07/2022 01:46

I hope this doesn't sound really rude but how on earth can anyone not realise that blasting a radio in someone else's house is rude?! Your post actually cheered me up as I've been having problems of my own with my Mum (she turned up unannounced one morning last week on my only day off and told me I'd put weight on and my skirting boards were filthy 🤣 she clocked the unwashed pots from the previous nights dinner and the kids pyjamas thrown all over the floor and looked like she was going to vomit 🙄) she's never worked a full day in her whole life and wouldn't have a clue what 'stress' feels like. I think some of us have Mothers that think they own us and know best. I've got really angry in the past but now just laugh at it. It must be a generational thing because my Mum would definitely blast her radio as loud as possible in my house and be flabbergasted if anyone told her it was unacceptable xx

Love this Smile

billy1966 · 09/07/2022 08:24

iRun2eatCake · 09/07/2022 07:43

I don't think that's harsh at all.

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Not harsh at all.

I wouldn't put up witj that from anyone.

Terribly selfish and rude.

KettrickenSmiled · 09/07/2022 08:25

UrsulaPandress · 09/07/2022 05:48

I too think it’s the Archers.

I don't think OP is upset about 13 minutes of radio a day.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 09/07/2022 08:41

If you were "always at odds" over the noise issue growing up then she's not ignorant of the fact you like quiet. So what she's doing is plain selfish and rude, especially the early morning noise. Time to set some clear boundaries, eg "Mum, I love having you visit but I need a quiet house, so if you want to play your radio please only do so with headphones in" (that way she can't still blast it in her bedroom). If/when she complains, just repeat that you love having her visit but you want a quiet house and you don't want to listen to the radio, so use earphones. That way you aren't stopping her listening to the radio, just asking her nicely not to inflict it on you (and anyone else that lives with you)

MiseryWIthAStent · 09/07/2022 08:50

My mum used to do this too. It would drive me mad. She didn't care when I had been on nights before either. As long as she could play her music full blast she was fine. She didn't work either and hadn't since she was 17 so had no idea how bloody frustrating it was.

ifonly4 · 09/07/2022 08:57

If I were your DM, I'd actually be checking with you if it was ok to take time out for something she obviously enjoys. At the same time, I'd be listening to it (quietly) in my room or in another room away from family if that's possible. You need to sort out with her. If she doesn't like it, she can stay at home.

Iamnotamermaid · 09/07/2022 09:02

Have a set of headphones in the house so you can hand them to her if she starts playing it. Not going to work in the shower obviously but I think something should be said. Your house, your rules now.

Cherrysoup · 09/07/2022 09:05

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 09/07/2022 02:55

My parents treat my home like theirs, which is nice in a way, but drives me up the wall in some respects. They can't not use any glass to drink from. As in, we all have a glass of water. But they seem to think its OK to drink from any of those glasses that day. So then we end up going through loads of glasses as DH and I get clean ones every refill we have because I font want to share a glass. They also share cutlery with my toddler which gives me the boke.

So if my mum and toddler are eating fruit salad, my mum will use 1 spoon for both of them, my toddler is too small to know better, but its just a bit gross!

@TheLovleyChebbyMcGee she needs to stop doing that. Adults have a bacteria that encourages cavities. Children don’t have it so should not be sharing cutlery. Plus it makes me want to puke.

SingingInParadise · 09/07/2022 09:25

My parents don’t own headphones. Nor do my DH and I tbh. I wouldn’t class headphones as pretty standard tbh, esp if you only listen to radio/music at home and not in the go.

Having said that, I would tell my parents if they were listening to music/radio too loud and were waking me up (and have).
I might tell them To put the volume down if it’s really loud but I wouldn’t stop them from listening to the radio. Just like for other guests tbh.

I think your issue isn’t that much the volume/radio etc… but the fact it’s reminding you of your childhood and how much you hated it but weren’t listened to/couldn’t ‘impose’ your pov. So it’s making you angry and frustrated all again (which makes things worse and make tolerable noise intolerable iyswim)