DM is losing the plot

[AyeUp]

My DM is becoming harder and harder to deal with. She’s always been difficult, very childish and sort of spoilt as she has always lived and been taken care of by her parents, who also took care of me. They have now died and she’s living on her own with only me to look out for her, and it’s becoming harder and harder to deal with her.
She expects me to drop everything and do every little thing for her, and to spend time with her and entertain her as she’s bored and lonely. I live 10 mins away by car, but I also have my own family, a DH, 2 school age DCs, a dog, I run my own business (I have to as no way could I work 9-5 as I have to drive her to every appointment she has!)
I don’t mind as she is elderly and not in the best of health, but she’s just getting so bloody rude! She gets pissed off with people for the slightest thing, has already alienated her neighbours, and now it’s my turn. She’s bonkers. At 2pm today she sent me a text message saying she’d got me three cabbages if I wanted them (I am not a gardener and have never expressed a fondness for cabbage!). Then at 3:30pm she texted saying ‘I would have thought you’d have appreciated them. Obviously you don’t’.
So she got the hump because I didn’t reply to her text within 90 minutes when I was working then doing the school run.

I’m just so fed up with her, she can be really really vicious if you don’t do what she wants. But she wants so much. She wants me to take her away on holiday for a week with the kids and neither me nor the DC really want to as she gets the hump if anyone goes off and does something they enjoy that she can’t join in with. But if I don’t take her I won’t hear the end of it.
Has anyone got any advice? I love her but she’s quite a piece of work and I just don’t know how to deal with her without upsetting her or ruining her relationship with me and the DC. Help! I’m rubbish at stuff like this - I’m either a complete doormat or a blow my top and make everything worse!

Maybe she should move into over 55s housing? If she needs someone to look after her sounds the best bet and she'll socialise with others who live there. Win win.

I just replied and said sorry but I was busy, did she mean to be so rude. She’s replied saying that how does she know what I’m doing, I never talk to her, when I come round and help her I’m always on my mobile.
which i often am as she doesn’t talk to me, just sits and expects me to entertain her, she can’t hear me, she forgets what I’ve told her, and I’m trying to deal with emails and stuff from sorting out both her and my life!

How old is she

To which she’s replied that she’s obviously too much for me to deal with so maybe best if I don’t go round and help her. ARGH!

She refuses to leave her house. Absolutely refuses. Refuses to have carers. After she’s been in hospital she’s been vicious in fighting and refusing any help at all. We once had a big meeting set up with social services, the hospital staff, me, all to convince her she needed to go into a rehab centre for 2 weeks after discharge. My god the fuss she made and refused. She’s now on a list not to be offered that service again. She won’t leave her house she’s lived in it since she was a child.

She’s 72. She has no family apart from me. No real friends. She has a cleaner go in once a week who is now going in a second time a week to give her a shower as she can’t do it herself.

You could have this for another 20 years. What health issues does she have?

If she wasn't your mother, would you accept this kind of behaviour?
You should distance yourself from her somewhat, as she will just expect more and more from you. If you do less, she may come to the conclusion that she need additional help.

Call her bluff. Agree with her. Stop going round and dancing to her tune. Think about what you are actually willing to do long term and what you're not while you're enjoying the quiet.

I can't believe the extent to which you've built your life around her tbh. Unless your business is very profitable, working around her must have cost you tens of thousands, maybe hundreds, in lost income and pension. She sounds abusive and manipulative.

Her health issues are a spine issue which makes walking difficult, epilepsy, diabetes, prone to blood clots, arthritis, under active thyroid. She’s on tons of pills and needs loads of medical appointments so I always have to be on call to drive her places. She can get very confused so I have to be on top of her pills and what she’s taking.
At one point she asked me if she couldn’t turn over in the night and get her water to take a painkiller as she’s so shaky and she’d spill the water, could she phone me to go round there and help her with the glass, no matter what time of the night it was! I reused that one and suggested she use a beaker with a lid, and the cleaner has told me she got really upset I refused!

She’s just said she’s worried I don’t love her as I’m the only family she’s got.

72??? That's hardly even elderly any more. My DM is 74 and teaches 6 exercise classes a week, 2 of them over Zoom. She's taking DD2 away camping this summer.
The point is that my DM wasn't always like this. 5 years ago she was very overweight and still working in a job she hated. But she made a choice to change things, and she has.
Adults make choices. Your DM has made her choice to be a needy drain on your life.

What will your choice be?

Personally I would make the conscious decision to put your mh before hers..
You have you, a dh, dc and a ddog to keep happy. Imo they all come before her needs..
And tbh are they really 'needs' or just attention seeking 'wants' ?

Yep, switch to guilt trip after tantrum failed. Textbook.

Seriously, block her for a while or switch off your phone or something. She's manipulating you and you're rewarding her for it.

How can I just ditch a lonely, ill old lady though?
I take her to an over 60s club hoping she’d make friends, but this outburst today has come after I DIDN’T take her for once as I had something to do for work, she had to get a taxi. She doesn’t normally like getting a taxi as it costs money (she has thousands in the bank but won’t spend it), and she worried about falling over on the walk up from the taxi to her door. If she comes to mine for a birthday party or Christmas she expects me not to drink so I can drive her home, gets the hump if I do and she has to get a taxi.
Sorry, my point was that I TRY to encourage her to get out more, make friends and be more healthy and active, but it never results in any change from her.
How can I try more? If I leave her to do more she’ll interpret as me not caring about her. And she won’t do it and get worse, more insular and won’t take care of herself.

DH is of the same opinion as many of you - thinks she’s manipulative and doesn’t like her being around DC as he sees her doing it to them, eg guilt trips if they’re not playing with something she gave them etc. I get all that. My life would be so much easier if she didn’t rely on me so much. But you can’t just turn off support to someone with needs like that who relies on you can you? She was looked after all her life by her parents - never paid a bill, learnt how to cook, anything. It’s not right but she’s too old to change now. It’s her mental health I’m worried about really, she’s getting very vicious and taking offence at the slightest thing. Her perception of reality doesn’t seem right, and getting worse the more on her own she is.

But Op, that's her choice.

Of course nothing you do results in changes in her. Why would it? We are only able to change ourselves, not others. You are not going to be able to do anything to change her. It would have to come from her.

It's very unlikely that increased time and encouragement from you is going to do anything. And you seem to treated very badly in the meantime.

It's possible that you stepping back a bit (not ditching her, just refusing some of the unreasonable demands or not reacting to her manipulation) she might change how she treats you. But even if she doesn't, it sounds like it would be worth it for YOUR emotional health.

Having money does indeed give her chance to be independent and self sufficient.. She is deliberately choosing to emotionally abuse you op... Send her links to outside help. Rinse and repeat that you have lots of other obligations before her requests..
My aunt effectively dumped me one year when I refused to drive 100 mile round trip to visit when my dd was due Xmas eve!! Once I had turned down her invite (demand) she didn't even ring to see if dd had arrived safely! Didn't see her for the last 10 years of her life..
Don't be manipulated op.

She's made her choices. And the longer you prop her up, the less incentive she has to change.

You still have the chance to make yours.

Don't be such a soft touch. I recently had a "don't bloody push it" conversation with a terminally ill relative. Sometimes the more you do, the more they expect and you still get no thanks for it.

You can do exactly that. Turn off all support. Report her to social services and step away. Only when a crisis develops will things change, otherwise this is your life indefinitely. Ten, twenty years?
Prioritise yourself.

My yoga teacher is her age, she teaches inversion classes! That's really not that old.

Does she look after her health, eat healthily? That's a lot of health conditions.

It’s her mental health I’m worried about really, she’s getting very vicious and taking offence at the slightest thing. Her perception of reality doesn’t seem right, and getting worse the more on her own she is.

Do you have a POA for her ?

She doesn’t exercise. Has been to physio but won’t do the exercises as she doesn’t like them. Won’t eat vegetables or salads as she doesn’t like them. Honestly, so childish. Won’t walk anywhere. Uses a walker despite being told by her doctor she doesn’t need it, it’s just fear of falling which makes her unsteady, she can actually walk

How can I just ditch a lonely, ill old lady though?

You take a deep breath and tell yourself she is not your responsibility. She has money to buy in any help she needs. She may be a blood relative but that does not mean you owe her your time, your emotional support, or any part in your life, especially as she is so rude, nasty and manipulative.

Look into the future - are you going to be her full-time carer? Are you going to effectively spend all day and most of the nights at her house, cleaning her, changing her, dressing her, spoon-feeding her, etc. etc.? If not, decide now where you are going to draw the line. You are on a slippery slope and you have to get a grip.

At some point, if you are simply not there to help, the NHS and social services will step in. This is what we pay our taxes for.

Not your problem unless you let it be.