DM is losing the plot

[AyeUp]

My DM is becoming harder and harder to deal with. She’s always been difficult, very childish and sort of spoilt as she has always lived and been taken care of by her parents, who also took care of me. They have now died and she’s living on her own with only me to look out for her, and it’s becoming harder and harder to deal with her.
She expects me to drop everything and do every little thing for her, and to spend time with her and entertain her as she’s bored and lonely. I live 10 mins away by car, but I also have my own family, a DH, 2 school age DCs, a dog, I run my own business (I have to as no way could I work 9-5 as I have to drive her to every appointment she has!)
I don’t mind as she is elderly and not in the best of health, but she’s just getting so bloody rude! She gets pissed off with people for the slightest thing, has already alienated her neighbours, and now it’s my turn. She’s bonkers. At 2pm today she sent me a text message saying she’d got me three cabbages if I wanted them (I am not a gardener and have never expressed a fondness for cabbage!). Then at 3:30pm she texted saying ‘I would have thought you’d have appreciated them. Obviously you don’t’.
So she got the hump because I didn’t reply to her text within 90 minutes when I was working then doing the school run.

I’m just so fed up with her, she can be really really vicious if you don’t do what she wants. But she wants so much. She wants me to take her away on holiday for a week with the kids and neither me nor the DC really want to as she gets the hump if anyone goes off and does something they enjoy that she can’t join in with. But if I don’t take her I won’t hear the end of it.
Has anyone got any advice? I love her but she’s quite a piece of work and I just don’t know how to deal with her without upsetting her or ruining her relationship with me and the DC. Help! I’m rubbish at stuff like this - I’m either a complete doormat or a blow my top and make everything worse!

I do have POA, health and financial.

72 isn't old. 82 or 92 maybe, but most women that age can do anything a 42 year old can do. I see she has some health issues, but I'm wondering if she's just selfish, manipulative and enjoying the chaos she causes. Don't give in to her and let her get on with it.

No way should you take her on holiday. You do need to redraw the boundaries here. There are consequences to her actions and she needs to accept that.

Really your role is blurred you need her to see that she needs to either go into sheltered housing or care home, or have carers go in etc. You can then be daughter and take her out for lunch once a week or have her over for Sunday lunch.
You cannot be her staff and her daughter it's not sustainable with your life as well or it is but you will miss out on your family life and try and kill yourself doing both. That's your decision to either continue as ppl have said or start to say you cannot do it for all appointments etc.
For the holiday If you could afford 2 weeks away one with your family and one for mum that may be tolerable but if that would be your main week I would say no, just say your family and Dh expect your own family time and it doesn't work for you.
Yes it sounds unkind but she isn't the pleasant easy holiday companion so it's not on you that she behaves that way. You could suggest 3 nights somewhere close by for a short break maybe.
I also don't think the cleaner should have to help her shower!

That’s fairly young.

My mum started behaving like this when she was about 80-85. The doctor diagnosed her as having “senile dementia.”

It was like she just “forgot” how to behave around people. She was in a senior living place, in her own little flat, but was terribly rude to everyone she came into contact with.

She isolated herself instead of taking part in any of their activities and sat in her flat watching tv. I’d scold her for treating people so poorly but it rarely did any good.

She lived until 96 and it got worse as she aged. Perhaps a trip to the GP might be in order — at least you’d have an explanation for your mum’s sudden hostile behaviour.

I’m sorry — it’s a long and difficult road.

I think your DM is not familiar with the word NO. Just leave txt messages and start being firm just say you have small children also to care for!

Do you know if there are social prescribers in your area? They can be really helpful in cases like this in encouraging people to get out, promoting independence etc.

I’ve not heard of this, I’ll look into it thank you!

Op, with the greatest of kindness - you need to see this for what it really is.

Your mother has has a lifetime of perfecting ways to make people pander to her every whim, and you’ve fallen victim too.

She needs you far more than you need her, so what are you afraid of? Call her bluff when he pulls the ‘woe is me, I guess I just won’t bother you ever again’ routine. She needs a reality check to make her realise she is not to centre of everyone’s universe.

Its unfortunate, but some people are just black holes of negatively. You can cut off as many parts of yourself, your work, your family etc to throw at them in order to try and fill that void, but it won’t work. They look for reasons to be unhappy and blame everyone else by themselves for their situation.

Set some boundaries and focus on your own self and family - at least then you’ll be putting your efforts into people who will actually appreciate you for it

Whatever you do it won't be enough so you may as well only do what suits you. No to the holiday. It's wrong to put your mum before your children.

She is manipulating you. She’s manipulated all her life to get her way so why stop now?
With that number of health conditions and unable to manage her meds or even water then she needs carers. Sheltered accommodation or a care home. She can’t walk from a taxi but can go on holiday. There is transport available for medical appointments, make enquiries at her GP as a starting point.
You have to put yourself, your DH and DC first.

Look up HOLIDAY in a dictionary /Google op.
Taking such a person won't give you that. .
Yabu to even consider letting her come on your FAMILY trip op.
Her wishes don't overrule the rest of your household's right to have a time of enjoyment!

You’re right. The holiday won’t work for sure. The last time we tried I pushed her in a wheelchair the whole time as she said she’s get too tired with the walker, meant I struggled to run around and keep up with DC. It’s not right.

You are not stopping helping her when you out boundaries up on what you are happy to accept.

You did it very well when she tried to convince you she could ring at any time of the day or night for a drink. You said NO. She was upset but … she is somehow managing isn’t she?

So time to put other boundaries like when she is pushing too far.
Look at what is really making everything hard for you and isn’t that necessary. Like her refusing to use a taxi. Let her grumble and grey rock her when she is pulling all the manipulative stops. She is telling you she won’t need you etc… Ok fine. You’ll be able to do X and Y instead.

And please don’t go in hols with her and the dcs!

It's all very well for pp to say "she isn't old at all" - my mum was similar (though skint) to yours at a younger age, she died at 62 and was in poor health for a decade prior to that. Age is not an predictor of health.

You can withdraw support. It doesn't have to be sudden or all in one go. You can make a conscious decision to prioritise the people/animals who have a right to be dependant on you - that's your children, spouse and pets. Parents are meant to take care of their children not the other way around. You could start by not taking her on your family holiday - think how much nicer it'll be. You cod also tell her that you won't be able to respond to texts or do any "help" tasks on certain days of the week - reduce your availability and stick to it. Of she makes an appointment on one of your days off say "that's a shame I can't help, you'll need to arrange a taxi" don't do it for her.

Your dm has the funds so can choose to do things without you. She will be able to access the patient transport service through her GP for free if she doesn't want a normal taxi (she can phone them to arrange it). If she can't manage these simple things herself then she needs outside support ie social services. She won't accept that while you're running round after her.

The agression and poor grip on reality may be an indicator dementia. That doesn't make it your problem but mentioning it to social services might make them act faster

She so feeble yet at the same time, her own parents presumably much older and frailer were also looking after her at some stage!

She's had a great old life manipulating you all over the years hasn't she? Maybe it's time she learnt to do a few new things for herself which would give you time to take a step back.

So she's been looked after by her parents until they died and now she wants to be looked after by you. I doubt she's ever helped and supported you has she?
Time to set some boundaries about what you will tolerate. Hell would freeze over before I would take her on a family holiday.
She's only 72, I think you've got to get her used to you putting your family first. Make it clear they are your priority. 'sorry mum, I can't do x this week, I've got a lot on with the kids'. If she pulls the 'you've all I've got, nobody cares', you tell her that your DC come first not her and maybe it's time to pay for someone to be at her beck and call.

My grandparents really brought me up as well! I consider my DGM to be my mum really, not DM as she was the one that did all the parenty stuff really. Loved her to bits, but I can see she really mollycoddled DM.

The one time I really needed DM to look after one DC whilst the other was being born, she agreed then turned round and said she’d changed her mind as she wasn’t comfortable looking after a small child on her own! Left me in such a state, about to give birth and no one to look after DC (all my friends were on holiday as it was summer. In the end DFIL had to travel to come and help). Turned it round on me and said DC was too tied to my apron strings. He was 2 FFS! She’s forgotten all about this of course. Sorry, it’s all coming out now. Time to get off the internet and build up some boundaries I think.

You have to work this out as if it was a points system. She gets x points for being old, for being ill, for being your Mum. But your children your husband and yourselves also get points for being alive! For working, for needing each other. So you own her a certain number of services, a certain amount of care, but not at the complete expense of your own life and the lives of your children.

my mother was very demanding ( though she never wanted my to go and get her a glass of water int the middle of the night, that’s frankly bonkers). I told her I would give her a day each week to be ferried around etc. I would ring her or she could ring me at a set time every day.

This was advice given to me by a friend in a similar position. I found, as she did, that once you have set the boundaries, your mother will realise that the other options open to her are worth considering as supplements to your care for her.

good luck

You can start small with boundaries-on the initial post, you get back to her when it's convenient and tell her you have been busy with work snd kids and you won't be replying until you can. You're not on a lead, being pulled by her.

If she'd never had any children she would HAVE to sort herself out. It's not your fault she has no friends & hasn't organised her life sensibly.
Just stop answering the phone to her, & maybe just go and see her once a week for an hour. Or not at all - up to you, because it's your choice and you don't need to justify it. At the moment, she is just manipulating you and it's not healthy for that to continue.

I wouldn’t worry about being the one ruining the relationship……

I'm afraid you are dealing with a narcissist, I suggest you get yourself over to the Stately Homes thread for support & advice

Let go of your misplaced feelings of guilt

And go and live your life

Pretend you've broken your leg or something so you can't see her for a good long while

She needs to sort her life out

She a grown up FFS