I've said something stupid to my 3 year old

[StupidMummy]

I feel horrendous right now. My little one is 3. Very advanced. But still so little.

Tonight they kept asking why they can't put little toys in their mouth. I replied -

It's dangerous
Because I'm asking you not to
You'll choke

This went on and on. I don't know why the conversation went round and round. And I ended up saying. Something along the lines of -

If you choke, you'll die and I'd never get to see you again.

As soon as I'd said it I wish I could've taken it back. They've gone to sleep now. But their sad little scared face has literally broken my heart.

I'm meant to protect them. And now I've scared the life out of them. I don't know what to do?? I don't know how it fix this. I'm so upset with myself. I'm an awful parent. I don't know how I could've been soon stupid.

It’s the truth. And it’s an important truth that they need to know; if your other methods of reasoning weren’t working, then that’s a perfectly valid last resort. Child will be fine in the morning, but will remember not to put toys in his/her mouth!

I'm confused. What's bad about getting them to stop doing something that could kill them by telling them the reason they're not allowed to do it? Mine's almost the same age and i've definitely said this before in similar contexts.

When i was a child i always asked why do people die. One day my mum got so fed up she told me because they keep on asking why do people die🤣🤣

If they actually remember it and stop putting toys in their mouth then it’s achieved it’s aim , factual and honest .

Ah I'm sure it'll be forgotten soon. As others have said, it's how they learn. And I once pointlessly told Ds when he was 3 or 4, when he asked if he would still live with us when he's 100, that he'd probably be in a nursing home and we wouldn't be there anymore. Felt pretty awful after I'd said it. But he didn't dwell on it too long, and he's since learnt from seeing his cousin lose his mum young that life is not always pleasant.

Nothing wrong with keeping it real. I regularly tell DS (6) he will get squished by a car if he doesn't pay attention near roads when we are out.

But what you said was true, better telling them that so they don't put things in their mouth and actually die. So young they don't really understand the concept of dying anyway, the thing that upset them was more likely your tone/being told off not the possible consequence - death. I wouldn't give it a second thought, better than not intervening.

If you are bad then I am terrible. I showed my son a squashed squirrel to show him what happens when you get hit by a car. Tbf, he was fascinated 😂

Exactly this

But their sad little scared face has literally broken my heart.

Bit of an overreaction, I doubt it’s literally broken your heart.

She won’t remember.

I do tell my dc when something could kill them or others especially when it comes to choking. At 3 I don't think she can understand the concept of death yet or the finality of it but maybe she felt sad at the thought of not being able to see you anymore. I don't think you are an awful parent at all.

When it comes to life and death matters, sometimes you do need to be blunt and tell them straight. Better than them choking or running into traffic.

Your job as a parent is to teach them about life, and part of that is teaching about how to keep themselves safe and concequences.

Now if you were hyper paranoid like that hypocondriac mother in stephen king's 'it' and constantly telling your child every little thing would kill them, that would be one thing, but your child clearly wasn't getting the importance of a critical safety rule and you did the right thing to make them see how serious it was. Don't beat yourself up.

I have a 6 year old daredevil. I’ve been quite open with him that death is very permanent and he’ll never see anyone ever again. I’ve never understood why death is almost unspoken about.

I don't think they really have a grasp on what dying means. Let it go

I used to ask them what they think the answer is to persistent questions. Used to get some interesting answers

You are not a bad parent for wanting to keep your child safe. Bad things can happen to children and they need to know how to keep themselves as safe as possible. So firmly explaining the truth about dangers is important. I once worked with a guy whose twin sister choked to death on a large marble when she was 4, he still blamed himself over 40 yrs later.
Your child will be fine in the morning and hopefully learned a valuable lesson

My mother terrified me. She told my brother (he was about 6 me 4) who had a penchant for tasting Vicks vapour rub, that his throat would catch fire if he didn’t stop. I spent the night expecting him to start breathing fire! She told me if I swallowed a pin I would have to eat bread and cotton wool for the rest of my life and if I ate soap I would never get off the loo! Being only about 4 I believed it all and can proudly say I never ate Vicks, never swallowed a pin or sucked on a soap bar!

I clicked expecting you’d said something ghastly or inappropriate. It was a straightforward explanation, unlikely your child will be scarred or particularly impacted by such an innocuous comment

I had to perform choking protocols on a 5 year old this week in my class who swallowed a Lego brick. I was genuinely frightened for them. Adrenalin at the point but afterwards, my word. For them it was funny, pretty a brick in their mouth and spitting it out. Same child was in hospital in spring term after an injury after being repeatedly told not to run when we are at the swimming pool.

I don’t think what you said was terrible. Children do die from chocking and actually maybe that will make her think about putting non food items in her mouth. It’s why we tell children to chew and not bite off too much. We drill road safety to stop them getting killed by cars. I remember being told the same thing about train tracks at the station.

You did nothing wrong OP, you’re not a bad parent. Of course if it’s given her a fright, be reassuring but honest.

It is a problem for me. "They" is a plural pronoun. It means two or more people or things. If the sex/gender/identity/whatever is such a BIG secret, just say "It". It will wake up tomorrow and won't remember what you said. I am almost 70 years old and I can accept/ tolerate LBGQTXYZ even if I don't understand all of it. But the only person using "they" as a personal pronoun is a conjoined twin. There are limits!!!

Oh it probably won’t do that, I bet she still needs to remind them.

’do you remember what I said about what will happen if you put toys in your mouth?’

Agree with other posters - the shock is probably the thought of not seeing you. I would say what you said. Blunt and simple is better (for most situations). Children do not attach morose feelings / emotions to death and dying. You’re being hard on yourself either way.

We tell 3yo DC same all the time when she pushes on dangerous topics. She’s still a little sociopath and has no empathy so doesn’t really get it, but the idea of “an owie so big it can’t be fixed” has been there for a long time.

@DappledThings bless you

I have had to take this stance with my DS, he is generally good with road safety but sometimes has silly days where he will try to run into the road or lean into the road to look into the drains. I’ve told him if he gets hit by a car he will die and that means we won’t ever be able to see each other again.I still have to remind him when something is dangerous but I think he understands the gravity of the situation.

I wouldn’t worry OP in the next few days he will likely forget it. Later on if he is anything like my overdramatic brownies they all told the fireman they would die if their house went on fire. The fireman was trying to get them to mention getting taken to a hospital in an ambulance at the time. They also all got eaten by bears when we tried explaining what to do if they got separated from the brownie group in the woods. Children are amazingly resilient and whilst at times they are overdramatic they can bounce back.