Minor dd friend issue - how would you handle?

[FloatingthroughSpace]

Dd coming to the end of year 7.

She has a new friend this year who is a lovely person. She comes round after school at least once a week and stays for tea and this is fine. Dd has never been to her house except to drop friend's bag off on the way to ours. She (friend) is youngest of 4 girls and DD says their house is small and untidy and there's stuff everywhere so it's easier to come to ours to play. I have met Dad but never Mum and Dad does most of the communicating (well, all) so I am inferring that Mum may be fragile in some way.

The minor issue is around boundaries. When she comes to ours, she opens the fridge and helps herself to things. She asks for money so she and DD can go to the shop for sweets. I fund them both every time. And she picks up Dd's diary and reads it, which DD says she doesn't know how to make her stop.

In every other way she's delightful. Kind, funny, thoughtful etc. I wonder if it's a youngest child in a bunch of girls thing.

I have said that I would prefer if she asked before taking stuff from the fridge, to no effect - she is just less obvious about it! Thing is I am really happy for her and DD to hang out at ours and don't want to make her feel unwelcome. And Dd's diary...how to handle? At the minute she is hiding it while asking Friend (we can call her Rosie) to wait outside her room so she can get changed. But long term, Rosie needs to learn that reading other's diaries is not on.

Our house is an ordinary semi detached house btw, we don't live in a mansion and are not rich. It is a bit bigger than Rosie's though.

Any ideas?

You don’t need to effectively raise her by teaching her things, friend clearly knows she shouldn’t be doing some of those things.

I would ask dd to give the diary to you for sake keeping. Every time she goes to te he fridge ask her to sit down and ask if she wants something. Be more assertive - your dd is watching the doormat behaviour and is following suit, ‘ friend please sit down at the table, in our house we ask for food/drinks from the fridge’

I would probably scale back the week tea, as it will soon be expected. Now it is summer maybe do things like a picnic in the park instead and just snacks. I would also be encouraging other friendships, it’s not ideal that dd is involved in such a one sided non reciprocal friendship. She should be experiencing other friends that invite her back and do nice things for her.

scale back the dinners at your house
encourage more friendships
model assertive boundaries with the friend

If she continues to behave poorly I would fade out the invitations over the summer holidays altogether.

It is not the child’s fault that her home life is difficult, equally it needs to be a comfortable and positive experience for you and your child

Can you buy your DD a little box with a lock to keep diary in it (key somewhere in your room) ? If get friend asks she would answer that it’s a box with her private stuff , end of conversation. It would be actually a good practice for your DD.
the fridge is more tricky as different families have different rules and you certainly have made this friend feel welcome. However I would politely stop her every time when she tries to open the fridge door and ask her what she wants. And I would say no from time to time like no, we will have pizza today, the garlic bread is for the weekend.

Don't leave the diary on display. Be very clear about food boundaries. Speak as though you are telling both. Girls I need everything in the top two shelves in the fridge for meals I'm making but you can make yourselves a cheese Sandwich if you like. Sorry girls I'm not spending money on sweets today. I think this is the best approach. Your DD knows these things already but you are not particularly pointing out the other child's lack of manners. You should have boundaries in your own home but as pp said you don't have to be bringing other cold up. She will learn a lot about what's socially acceptable just by your calm but pleasantly firm attitude.

Child ...not cold 😀

Agree, hide away personal things when she comes and set the rules out clearly about going in the fridge (and put a sticker on the fridge door reminding them of the rules)

Gosh what a mean comment thst someone has suggested you scale back this non reciprocal friendship. So because the child's family may have barriers to being hosts their child is less valuable as a friend ?

Op just be firmer. There are always differences in parenting etc between friends and its fine fir your daughter to begin to understand that.

As they get older you find children have very different rules on screens or junk food
.even when parents might get on etc.

Personally I don't let my kids have money to buy sweets so thst would be a firm no from me. I also would tell the child kindly but firmly that its not polite to ask for money.

You're allowing a child to rule your home, and the child isn't even yours. Good grief, it's madness. Put the girl in her place, nicely yet firmly, and if she refuses to follow your rules she is no longer welcome in your home.

Does the dad come to collect the child after the playdate or do you need to collect & drop home? It sounds very one sided & could continue until their teens... Personally I wouldn't have the time to invest in this, I have my own children to raise & if I was constantly treating a child I would like at least a thank you or an offer back at least once... Even a trip to the park. An explanation as to why its not being reciprocated would be good manners eg work long hours, poor health, house can't accomodate more children etc...

Absolutely agree.. Modelling bad behaviour to dd's child also, it's not the norm.

Ops dd needs to have experiences of reciprocal friendships as well. I don’t understand why it is mean to a) enforce good behaviour in your own home and b) ensure ops child has well balanced friendships so she grows up in a healthy way

bizarre to think that op’s dd is not at least as important as the other child?! 🤷🏼‍♀️

What is less valuable however is a child that is rude and is allowed to trample quite knowingly over your house rules and boundaries!
put your foot down op!

Why do you think the mum is fragile because only the dad communicates about play dates?

would you think the dad is fragile if only the mum was communicating about play dates?

You sound like a lovely mum and the little girl obviously loves coming to yours and feels very comfortable and welcome.

She's possibly used to taking things when she wants them or being a bit quieter if it's not allowed, four children in a busy house that maybe things aren't 100% health wise for her mum, must be difficulty to manage!

I think I'd just be a wee bit more assertive with her and maybe say the next time she comes round that there's new rules for everyone re fridge, privacy etc. possibly you and your daughter could put together a small poster with rules of the house. It'd be hard for her to ignore it though!

This completely!

This... To be blunt you're setting her up to be used as a doormat in future friendships /relationships.... You're modelling poor behavior... Also you've set a pattern to the other child & it's parents.. You need to tell your dd, we've had "Rosie" over loads why don't we have Janice this week for a change.

Your house your rules. Be welcoming and friendly but always make your boundaries clear and nip any crossing of them in the bud.

As soon as you see her in the fridge, close the door and say - excuse me? you dont poke around in other peoples fridges and cupboards if you are looking for something ask!

Say you dont have money for sweets.

Encourage your dd to take the diary off her friend, say it is private and put it away, then change the subject.

The worst I had was with one of ds's friends who I had to tell to clean the toilet seat and floor each time or sit when peeing.

No...it's because of the fact that dad works and does all pick ups drop offs etc and mum stays home, never leaves the house and the house is very messy. As in hoarder messy. I was trying to be discreet. I assumed readers would read between the lines.

It’s your home, assert yourself boundaries.

if she keeps doing it say “You will only be allowed to come and see us if you listen to our house rules - and I hope you do, because we love having you here.”

Really?

You'd prefer it?

No kid would be going into my fridge to get anything twice!

You tell them, don't go in my fridge, if you want something you ask.

Don't read x's diary, if you read it again it will be the last time you are able to visit.

I hate calling people 'doormats' but crikey.

Are you sure the little girl is being fed adequately? She may be hungry. There could be neglect going on, as well as a messy house.

Which is not to say it's therefore your duty to allow her the free run of your fridge and cupboards. Might be worth an email to safeguarding lead at school?

I would also probably mention to the school
if you have genuine well founded concerns too.
i don’t think your child’s development should suffer as a result, so I would still enforce rules kindly and encourage lots of other friendships.

We really need to instigate something in the British education system that teaches people (particularly girls) not to be such absolute doormats. This is the second thread I've read in the past five minutes about mothers being utterly ineffectual and letting other people's children walk all over them.

Kids just behave how they normally do at home. Just tell her nicely that if she wants something from the fridge, she has to ask first and not just go in it. Also tell her, that the diary is a place to write private thoughts/feelings, so we must not read other peoples. Hide it before she comes? As long as you explain nicely, and she understands the reasons why, it will be fine.