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Original poster

Feeling smothered by DC classmate after school

65 replies

Letsmoveon · 02/07/2022 09:50

Ok so I’m prepared to be told I am being intolerant but here goes..

DS(7) has a classmate who a couple of months ago came up to me after school and said ‘I know where you live and I’ve been following you.’ I just thought ok, whatever. However ever since then this child and his grandmother constantly wait for us to leave the school grounds (some children play for 10-20 mins before leaving) and follow us home. DS doesn’t play with this boy except for occasionally if a big group of them all play together at lunchtime, and has shown no inclination to have a playdate with him.

The boy’s DM drives him to school and they park about 5 mins walk from the school and only get out of the car when they see us approaching and the boy is all over DS like a rash. The DM came up to me when this all started and said “Jack wants to come to your house for a play date” (not his name). I had never seen this woman before and had no idea who she or her child was and it just got my back up.

The DGM walks so slowly that the walk home which is usually 15-20 mins turns into 45-50 mins. The lady barely speaks English too and mumbles when she does speak so conversation is pretty much non-existent.

Then twice now when we have left the school without them the boy has knocked on our door about 15-20 mins after we have got home and said he just wants to say hello to DS. I believe they live a further 5-10 mins down the road.

I just feel irritated by being constantly having this boy watching us for when we leave the school (they play first before we leave, lots of kids do) and if I try and quietly slip out of the grounds within a minute this boy is chasing us down the driveway shouting for us to stop, and his DGM is slowly following. If I say we are going to Tesco he demands why are you going in there and tries to get his DGM to wait for us (she has only once), and the day that DS goes to swim lesson we walk a different way into town and he demands why are you going that way etc. He’s also told DS that he’s going to wreck his Minecraft world which made him very upset (he can’t as it’s in Creative), said that he’s a bully and so is his friend, and tells DS’ friends that he’s coming to our house “today and tomorrow, so there.” He’s never been to our house.

DS is a friendly child who will talk to anyone but I just feel this boy is just too OTT or is it just me being silly? The length of time getting home really annoys me as DS goes to activities on some days and I want to be home ASAP so he has downtime, does his reading etc and has dinner.

OP posts:

Yodaisawally · 02/07/2022 09:52

We had similar, sorry for the parent / grandparent but didn't have time for it because of work.

We just left with a brisk see you tomorrow.

MrsWooster · 02/07/2022 09:54

Yes, a brisk “I’m so sorry-we’re in a rush and can’t walk together /play tonight. See you at school tomorrow”.
Repeat every day until it peters out.

converseandjeans · 02/07/2022 10:00

Just keep walking past them at your pace. It's weird behaviour tbh & so I can see why you are getting fed up. Maybe check in school to say that you would prefer them not to sit near each other.

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7 year olds

SurpriseSurprise · 02/07/2022 10:03

I’d be inclined, for a week or so, to drive to school for drop offs and pick ups. Hopefully they will get the message.

Dreamsofus · 02/07/2022 10:14

Agree that it sounds a bit like odd behaviour. As pp have said leave with a brisk see you later, and tell your DS in the morning that you have to get home quickly today so there won’t be time for playing or walking with this boy. Be busy, see if you can take a different route home for a while.

Georgeskitchen · 02/07/2022 10:22

You need to take a hard line with this behaviour. Walk on ahead at a quicker pace. Don't engage with them. If this boy comes knocking don't answer the door. Maybe they will get the hint

gingersplodgecat · 02/07/2022 10:26

"Not today, bye-bye" or "We can't today, see you tomorrow" or variations thereof.

And repeat ad infinitum. You don't have to explain anything to a 7 year old, and definitely do not use the word 'sorry'.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 02/07/2022 10:26

Nip it in the bud now op- the longer it goes on the harder it will be because it will just be normalised.

gingersplodgecat · 02/07/2022 10:39

I've just noticed what he threatened to do to your DS's Minecraft etc.

He is clearly a dominant personality who likes to get his own way and make other children (and adults like you!!) do what he wants. If there is even the remotest sign that he is going to continue this behaviour with your DS, then speak to the school and let them deal with it.

winemedown · 02/07/2022 10:40

And we wonder why people think British people are unfriendly...

JanglyBeads · 02/07/2022 10:51

It sounds to me like this boy's family are not giving him any boundaries. This is harmful for him in the longer term, as well as potentially for your DS in the short term.

Therefore I'd report it to school, just as a "slight concern". They will have their own picture.

Strawblue · 02/07/2022 10:53

This would annoy me and as others have said you need to take a firm line when leaving the school and walk briskly. As a pp just said he sounds a bit dominating but you don’t have to dance to his tune. Don’t answer his demanding questions, try walking fast or a different route home etc.

I don’t think I’d be feeling inclined to be having him over for a play date either, and most of the time another parent will invite you first rather than say to you that their child wants to come to your house.

Zaccat1 · 02/07/2022 10:57

Speak to the school. We had something similar and DS was getting upset at home as he couldn’t escape said child and couldn’t play with who he wanted. When we approached the school they said they were aware of child’s fixation and upped their efforts in redirecting the child to have a group of friends.

Additionally, in the short term, drive, be breezily busy (no explanation needed) or do an alternate route as others have said.

Threetulips · 02/07/2022 10:57

Agree. Be more brisk and blunt.

I would also get DS onboard, and remind him ‘we need to hurry after school today’ and make a quick exit.

I wouldn’t answer the door to him - you’ll know it’s him - and just ignore the bell.

LondonQueen · 02/07/2022 10:58

Is driving an option, at least for pick ups, they're less likely to follow you in the car.

007DoubleOSeven · 02/07/2022 11:01

Ah poor boy, he sounds desperate to be friends but lacking the social skills and his family clearly aren't helping the matter. He comes across lonely :(

That said, you don't need to encourage it and I agree with pp's advice- polite but firm attitude and address it with the school.

IncompleteSenten · 02/07/2022 11:04

Walk at your normal speed for a start.

Talk to the school, ask them if they have noticed how this child is treating your son.

diningiswest · 02/07/2022 11:04

I would also have a quiet word with the teacher, just to find out whether this boy is being as dominating inside school as well...

DogsAndGin · 02/07/2022 11:06

YANBU I would say something to the grandmother and child together, very clearly, like, ‘please stop walking with us, waiting for us, and knocking on our front door.’

Original poster

Letsmoveon · 02/07/2022 11:06

Thanks for everyone’s comments and I don’t feel like I’m being quite so unreasonable.

I will try prepping DS that when we leave school we can’t walk with them because we need to get home quickly because of XYZ etc. Walking a different route would take a lot longer to get to school unfortunately so that’s a last resort, and I don’t drive. The DGM just smiles all the time and seems to indulge whatever he does. When the boy said (three times actually) “I know where you live and I’ve been following you” it just gave me the creeps and I know he’s only 7yo!

We find out in 10 days what class he will be in for Y3 and I really hope he doesn’t end up in the same class again (they mix them); it’s probably OTT to have a quiet word with the teacher or is this too trivial? I would hope this behaviour doesn’t spill over into school with time.

DS is quite sensitive and the Minecraft comment had him so upset and it took a lot of convincing that the boy can’t do anything to it (unless he was invited to the house and handed him the Switch of course). None of DS’ friends talk like this, although I do appreciate that children do say some rubbish that they don’t mean sometimes.

OP posts:

Mamette · 02/07/2022 11:08

I’m not sure what I would do about the mornings. Maybe just minimal chat with them and continue walking at your own pace.

In the afternoons I would do as pps have suggested and say, see you later then. We have x to do so can’t walk with you today.

Of the child turns up at the door, answer it yourself and say, sorry no, DS isn’t free to play, he will see you at school tomorrow.

2weeones · 02/07/2022 11:13

I had this for 2 years. It didn't stop no matter what I did, taking a different route or walking off quickly. Even going into shops after school we were followed. It's exhausting and the parent did nothing to stop it. Actually seemed to encourage it or just couldn't say no to thier child. It really only stopped this school year as the parent when back to work a few days a week and I didn't have to put up with it. You have my sympathy.

Spudina · 02/07/2022 11:13

That’s horrid OP. No you don’t have to be polite to someone stalking you FFS.
My friend had similar when a girl became fixated on her son and wouldn’t leave him alone. He felt bad for her but at the same time it really impacted on his mental health. You definitely need to get the school involved. They can help by putting boundaries in place at school. I can see that the other child’s parents are desperate for him to make a friend but this isn’t how to do it. For now, walk quickly till they the hint and refuse to answer the door. If the Mum approaches you be polite but honest that your son does not want play dates and isn’t really friends with her son.

DasGirl · 02/07/2022 11:14

it’s probably OTT to have a quiet word with the teacher or is this too trivial? I

Not too trivial @Letsmoveon
I would check with the teacher that DS is not being smothered by this child in school and that he's being allowed to make own choices who he plays with ad what he does. My friend had an issue when a child attached herself to her DD and was completely dominating her and school were very helpful in encouraging the child to play with others, putting them in different groups etc

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 02/07/2022 11:23

it’s probably OTT to have a quiet word with the teacher or is this too trivial?
If they're deciding classes you need to tell the teacher about the issue as soon as you can. They might decide to put them in seperate classes if they know what's going on.

I feel sad for the boy, at 7 it's really on his parents to set boundaries and to redirect him. That wouldn't stop me from setting my own firm boundaries and discouraging the behaviour. Reporting it to the school might help your DS get a break from him and could also help the boy himself. There may be SEN involved and the more the school knows the more it adds to the picture of what this child needs.

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