Feeling smothered by DC classmate after school

[Letsmoveon]

Ok so I’m prepared to be told I am being intolerant but here goes..

DS(7) has a classmate who a couple of months ago came up to me after school and said ‘I know where you live and I’ve been following you.’ I just thought ok, whatever. However ever since then this child and his grandmother constantly wait for us to leave the school grounds (some children play for 10-20 mins before leaving) and follow us home. DS doesn’t play with this boy except for occasionally if a big group of them all play together at lunchtime, and has shown no inclination to have a playdate with him.

The boy’s DM drives him to school and they park about 5 mins walk from the school and only get out of the car when they see us approaching and the boy is all over DS like a rash. The DM came up to me when this all started and said “Jack wants to come to your house for a play date” (not his name). I had never seen this woman before and had no idea who she or her child was and it just got my back up.

The DGM walks so slowly that the walk home which is usually 15-20 mins turns into 45-50 mins. The lady barely speaks English too and mumbles when she does speak so conversation is pretty much non-existent.

Then twice now when we have left the school without them the boy has knocked on our door about 15-20 mins after we have got home and said he just wants to say hello to DS. I believe they live a further 5-10 mins down the road.

I just feel irritated by being constantly having this boy watching us for when we leave the school (they play first before we leave, lots of kids do) and if I try and quietly slip out of the grounds within a minute this boy is chasing us down the driveway shouting for us to stop, and his DGM is slowly following. If I say we are going to Tesco he demands why are you going in there and tries to get his DGM to wait for us (she has only once), and the day that DS goes to swim lesson we walk a different way into town and he demands why are you going that way etc. He’s also told DS that he’s going to wreck his Minecraft world which made him very upset (he can’t as it’s in Creative), said that he’s a bully and so is his friend, and tells DS’ friends that he’s coming to our house “today and tomorrow, so there.” He’s never been to our house.

DS is a friendly child who will talk to anyone but I just feel this boy is just too OTT or is it just me being silly? The length of time getting home really annoys me as DS goes to activities on some days and I want to be home ASAP so he has downtime, does his reading etc and has dinner.

If you don't drive or can't change your route, does DS have a scooter or bike he could use to up the pace? However, if someone had threatened to ruin something of my DS's and that had worried him, I'd probably find myself being a bit more direct and blunt! Can't say I'd be too worried about offending them.

My dd is a bit intense but partly due to her SEN. She trys to invite herself around others houses and I tell her it doesnt work like that, she invites a friend and then waits for a reciprocal invite.

Last week a mum told her she was rude. Harsh but true. She is 7 too. Boundaries are needed or else how can you ever learn?

I had a word with the teacher and they were separated the following year. You need to bring this up now as transition day is this week in some schools, the following week in others. Good luck.

Gosh yes definitely speak to the teacher. It’s not petty you’re being stalked and creeped out. Your ds may also be being pestered by this boy at school, which need addressing. As for what to do out of school, if you’ve got a mum inviting her ds to yours, you are going to need very strong boundaries. They don’t care about how you and your ds feel so lots of brisk walks and sending the boy home.

Yeah speak to school asap if class allocations are being made. And don't be fobbed off with "it's too late", this is potentially quite serious.

Lots of good advice on here about not accommodating the walking together.

If he asks you (demands) questions about what you are doing and why, just ignore the fact that he asked. If he asks (yells) again, you can always say ‘I dont answer questions that are asked so rudely’ and then ignore and leave.

I would definitely ask the teacher for the two dc to be in separate classes next year. Its a very reasonable request if they get it in time to do something about it. It would only be unreasonable if you asked after the class lists had been published

Ok so I will definitely see if I can speak to his teacher privately on Monday; our transition day is the 13th so hopefully it’s enough time for the school to consider our request.

As someone said the boy and his DM and DGM don’t seem to have boundaries, or able to take a hint that we don’t want to walk with them. I’m glad that I have mentioned this as I wasn’t sure if I was seeing silly. DH thought I was being a bit OTT until the day I said the boy started knocking on our door ‘to say hello’ on his way home on the rare day when we have managed to get away without them noticing. When he does that his DGM just stands at the end of our driveway smiling.

I hope I don’t sound inappropriate for saying this, and I really don’t mean to, but they are from a culture where boys are traditionally regarded as top of the pecking order and I have wondered if he lacks boundaries at home and can do as he pleases.

Definitely talk to the teacher. Because in those circumstances I'd be wanting to know if this sort of behaviour was happening in school too. Is he dominating your child at playtime/in class etc?

Just keep saying things like "We have to go now. Bye. DS will see you tomorrow" and then just walk off. And keep walking.

The grandmother doesn't seem to be British.

Could your DS cycle or scoot? That would really help with the "gotta dash, need to be back in time for ..."

I think pp was talking about OP.

When you see the teacher just tell her that outside of school you have noticed that the other child seems to be dominating your ds and you just wanted to make sure your ds was ok in the classroom. You don't need to leap into separate classes straight away, you can scout her out a bit first.

I wouldn't be overly friendly towards a child who dominates the conversation and won't take no for an answer, especially if they have threatened to sabotage my dc's Minecraft game.

Besides, I don't care what other 'people' (what people?) think of British people. Let them think what they like.

He sounds like a right little creep. Totally without boundaries and you wouldn’t want your son hanging around with him and getting the idea that men/boys are “at the top of the pecking order” as you’ve mentioned. He sounds like a bad influence and pretty toxic with the Minecraft threats, etc. You are smart to nip it in the bud. Don’t worry about coming off as rude by rushing off home quickly and definitely speak to the teacher and insist that your son is not placed in a class with this little prince.

@winemedown I’m not originally from England though, although my father is and all his family. I’m from a country that is far more laidback than England but you certainly wouldn’t behave like this boy and his family there either.

Aside from this aren’t friendships and acquaintances supposed to be mutually agreeable and a two-way street? If one party is not interested in this should you still have the right to force yourself into their personal space and life? I think most people would answer no. There is enough threads on MN alone to say walk away from people who don’t bring anything to your life.

This boy also wrapped a skipping rope around another pupil’s neck last week and tried to pull on it, and tried to forcibly wrap my DS in it around his torso but he got away. Not sure this is the kind of friend I want to encourage, but my opinion was already formed before this incident (I overheard the teacher telling the DGM what happened and mimicking her hands around her neck, then DS told me the same the next day). Not sure why the teacher told the DGM as she can barely speak English although she may understand more than she can speak of course.

Next time the child and his GM are waiting at the school gate for you just say Goodbye and walk away briskly. Every time.

If the child knocks your door I'd simply tell him No (whatever he asks) and shut the door, don't engage. He knows he's not a friend of your son, he's just playing up and is allowed to get away with it.

Just out of interest (being completely nosy) which country are they from?

Sounds like the sort of thing my daughter would do.....she has ADHD

The word stalking is being thrown about here, I don't think that's what this is.

OP is going to have to be a lot more assertive unfortunately as they aren't getting the hint.

OP, the child needs to know that inviting himself and following you and your ds home is not normal, healthy behaviour.

You don't need to worry about appearing rude, as its more important to.communicate that your ds is not interested in being his friend.

Don't make any eye contact with him or his DGM, you don't owe them explanations of where you are going or why your ds doesn't want to play with him. Encourage your ds to keep saying no, "I don't want to play, I'm not your friend" that sort of thing.

You and your ds will need yo refuse to engage in any conversation, for him to get the message.

Could the other boy be neuro divergent and not understanding your son doesnt want to be friends?

@Yespresh I’ve no idea. He seems very confident and has a permanent grin. He walked up to me on Friday and said very loudly “I am walking home with you today,” so he doesn’t lack confidence to speak to an adult he doesn’t know.

Another parent I’ve known for years heard him say it and said to me ‘that was funny’ and then I told her why I wasn’t happy about it and she said she can see why and it’s quite odd etc.

I’m just going to have to be very assertive, speak to the teacher about different classes, and try alternative routes home as a last resort.

I had this as a child myself and as a parent in the 90s, all that worked was a firm 'not today' and no further engagement.

Isn't it nearly the end of term - leave it til after the summer??

The other thing I just remembered is that last week the DGM came up to me and said that from now on she can collect my DS from school. I replied “no thank you, I like to collect him from school.” But why would someone offer this to a random stranger who just happens to be picking children up from the same class?

Ive had a chat with DH and I’ll have a quick word with the teacher tomorrow.