How to politely avoid play dates

[Librarycard12]

DS (4) has a few friends. One of them, Logan (not his real name) is very hard work on play dates. First of all he is not interacting much with DS, prefers ru ning around looking for bugs, which is absolutely fine, but he dominates our play dates. We do what Logan wants to do, we go where Logan wants to go etc. He would not do anything he doesn't want to do and I come home exhausted.

His parents are the loveliest of people, very kind and generous, but pushing really hard for play dates. If we meet let's say on a Sat, the mum would be like: what are you doing tomorrow. If I say I have no plans, she'd be insisting on meeting again for the boys to play together. I've been guilt tripped several times but I don't want to do this anymore. DS has other friends who are more easy going and I'd like to encourage these friendships. I want them to be friends but I don't want them to meet more than 2 times a month. At the moment they push for once or twice a week.

I've politely refused a few times, but I'm having to do this every few days. Any ideas?

I understand that Logan's attitude to wildlife is horrid. This makes his parents horrible. They have failed to teach their child about living things. Poor child.

You sound critical of Logan not socialising directly on playdates. This is very common in this stage of development. Preschool children, including NT children, don't always interact a lot with their peers.

The problem here is the parents. Their social skills sound like they are not going to respond to subtlety.

I've looked through the thread and can't see if you've answered the question about whether the two children will be going to the same school?

If they won't, I'd just say that 'We're not up for an playdates for a while. We've decided we need to make time together as a family our priority'.

To be honest, I'd be enjoying life without the proliferation of playdates that'll hit once you're at school.

They will be going to the same school, not sure it's going to be the same class yet.

Of course I understand not all kids will be very interactive, it's just I find it very stressful that we always have to adjust to Logan's wishes. I'd like to have a say on what we do on a playdate. He decides what we do, how long we stay and where we go. We are both reasonably easy going but to a certain extent. Like I said I don't want them to stop being friends, I just don't want this stress every single week. I don't need it and it sends the wrong message to DS that we just have to put up with whatever to keep a friendship.

It's his parents that should be managing him though.

My kids are ND and could be tricky at that age. So I hovered and guided and definitely ran the play date. Anyone who has a remotely challenging kid cannot just sit back and let the kid dictate how it is going to go.

It's exhausting. And very different to managing a NT play date. My kids are so different. One needed guidance, one didn't.

I'm not dating Logan is ND but his parents should be managing these problems. Not just diluting him with another family and expecting it to work just fine for everyone. He also needs others friends interested in bug hunting.

The parents are the issue here. I'd also ask the school if they can be put in different classes. This is not uncommon between kids that have grown apart before school or perhaps don't bring out the best in each other. And it stays confidential.

*I'm not saying

What did also upset me was the time when we stayed for 6 hrs, after lunch the parents took a puzzle out and put it on the floor for the kids to play with. Logan wasn't interested whereas DS happity started putting it together. Logan was just running round the room.

At some point Logan's mum said come and join us, the puzzle was almost finished, Logan came and kicked the puzzle a few times, all the pieces flying around the room, some went behind a very heavy cupboard and couldn't be retreived easily. I found that horrible. I think DS found it funny, but I really don't think anyone should put up with that, adult or child. The parents gently told him off and then we had to carry on as if this is just normal child's play.

Honestly I'd back off and when asked just say that you are focusing on family time as your son will be going to school soon.

She's not managing him. That's not for you or your son to deal with. I say that as a parent of a kid who was very challenging at that age!

We have all said to you that you don't need to invite Logan round again
We've suggested how you can do that without making a big deal out of it

He decides what we do, how long we stay and where we go. We are both reasonably easy going but to a certain extent

Perfect excuse right here!

I would say, we can’t do X, DS much prefers to do Y, you know what they’re like when they want something!

Or Sorry, DS is asking to play with Johnny today, you know what they’re like when they want something!

‘Sorry that sounds like a long day, we’re only nipping to X for an hour’

She’ll understand that!

And I agree with other posters, your son makes her life easier, so she thinks nothing of asking all the time because she lets him have what he wants when he wants it and so are you!!

Playdates and sleepovers

I have an adopted ds. He has been with us for the last 3.5 years, but I don't feel that he has a strong bond with my dh and I (although dh says he is devoted to us - I don't see it).

I have become anxious about playdates, worrying that he will have a great time with another family and being in their house that he will want to go more and more, developing a bond with the other family and let's face it, maybe having a better/more fun time there - which then weakens the bond he has with us.

Whilst not on the cards, eventually, I think that there could be invites for sleepovers - and this also causes me anxiety issues. He has been away for school and other organised group events - and I have been fine with those, but being in someone else's house, with different rules and routines again cause me to worry. Also, I don't really want ds to have sleepovers - his bed is here and I want him to come home. But then on the other hand, I know how much he would like this.

I don't want to say no to playdates and sleepovers, I want him to have the best childhood/life and that should not be impacted by my anxiety. I want to get beyond these feelings.

Are there any adoptive parents on here who understand or who can relate, if anyone has/had similar feelings and any advice on how to push through them. Is it just a case of grin and bear it?

@bookaddict57 you should start your own thread as this is a very old one. I think there is a section for adoptive parents too. For what it's worth, my ds used to want to move in with one of his nursery buddies - he was happy for me to come too in this fictional scenario and live with Leo and his mum! It's something to look back on and laugh; not a genuine concern.

If we meet let's say on a Sat, the mum would be like: what are you doing tomorrow. If I say I have no plans, she'd be insisting on meeting again for the boys to play together

You need to start with self - in other words modify your behaviour and thought patterns so you have those oft-mentioned MN healthy boundaries in place:

Don't admit to "no plans" - you can say you have plans, a white lie doesn't make you a bad person.

recognise when someone is manipulating you - Logan probably never said anything about meeting your DS, but the mum will say that because it means you're less likely to refuse. Manipulation, pure and simple. Head that off, just don't react to whatever "Logan wants", that's probably why he's a demanding child because he is constantly being given everything he wants.

Bloody ZOMBIE thread - oh well hopefully it will help anyone struggling with saying NO x 1M