How to politely avoid play dates

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DS (4) has a few friends. One of them, Logan (not his real name) is very hard work on play dates. First of all he is not interacting much with DS, prefers ru ning around looking for bugs, which is absolutely fine, but he dominates our play dates. We do what Logan wants to do, we go where Logan wants to go etc. He would not do anything he doesn't want to do and I come home exhausted.

His parents are the loveliest of people, very kind and generous, but pushing really hard for play dates. If we meet let's say on a Sat, the mum would be like: what are you doing tomorrow. If I say I have no plans, she'd be insisting on meeting again for the boys to play together. I've been guilt tripped several times but I don't want to do this anymore. DS has other friends who are more easy going and I'd like to encourage these friendships. I want them to be friends but I don't want them to meet more than 2 times a month. At the moment they push for once or twice a week.

I've politely refused a few times, but I'm having to do this every few days. Any ideas?

If they go to the same school and there is more than one class per year, I'd ask the school if they can be in different classes!

The trouble with making excuses is it doesn't solve the problem. It keeps coming back.
Time to be honest in the kindest way you can and say it's too often to meet up and that you and your boy don't want to be tied to a standing arrangement with any of his friends.
As his mum seems fixated on you and your son, perhaps that's who he takes after.

In the nicest possible way, you need to:

stop people pleasing

put boundaries in place

prioritise your own needs & wants, not theirs

SAY NO

He's not "horrible", he's 4 with a perhaps slightly socially inept mother!

He enjoys throwing stones at ducks and swans. I find that horrible. YMMV.

When she texts, just reply by saying you can’t commit to anything at the moment but will get in touch next time you are your son have some free time. You don’t need to justify things to her. Sometimes you have to be blunt.

If the young boy is as hard work as your describe when you are not there, no wonder his parents want him to have play dates. Give them a bit of rest.

Be firm and say no. I expect others do not request them as often.

Play dates for pre school children is not a thing where I am ( NW)... my GDs play with their cousins .....or their parents cousins children .....playmdates start around year 1 here when children have established friendships

Not everyone lives near siblings and cousins. Not everyone has siblings and cousins.

Neighter Logan nor DS have siblings or cousins around. No other relatives either, we are not from this country. That makes things harder. DS is very social and wants to see his friends so we do arrange (quite a lot of) playdates.

Yes, that's right. I've been making excuses for the last few months to keep the play dates to a minimum but the message doesn't get through. And the fact that at the end of each playdate she is already asking about the next one.

I am sure there is more to this that I'm aware of.

I've been on the other side of this, kind of - my autistic DC would latch on to a child who might not want to come round and play.

The very hardest response to deal with "oh yes I must get back to you with some dates" and then not doing so. It's really hard to explain to DC exactly why you can't ask their mum yet again. I know exactly what they're doing, it doesn't spare anyone's feelings, it just makes the whole thing harder to manage this end.

I know you are not responsible for their feelings, but if you do want to be kind, don't do the whole fake "oh yes will get back to you" malarkey. Just say no, or say yes and book in a date well into the future.

Really sorry to hear that. I know it's heartbreaking for parents to deal with that. DS has a distant cousin who is on the spectrum, only 6 months older, who we meet once a year as they live far away. He is the sweetest boy and the two of them have a great time. We really don't care about SN.

With Logan there is very little interaction. The play date usually starts with DS getting excited about meeting his friend and follows him around like a puppy for a bit. Whereas Logan couldn't care less about DS, just looks for bugs, stones, sticks, being mean to wildlife etc. Then after a while DS starts doing his own thing and Logan carries on with his thing.

Then towards the end Logan's mum goes hey, Logan, come and play with your friend, give him a hug, and then they have a little play together. And then comes: wow, they are such good friends, what are you doing tomorrow/the day after etc. Then a few days later comes the message: hey, Logan really misses your son, keeps asking about him. When can we meet.

That is manipulative. She may feel desperate for some respite, or for her son to have a playmate, and while that's sad, still this is manipulative. It's not that she's not grasping your reluctance to set playdates. She doesn't want to hear you.

Practical. My DD has some cousins. They live 200 miles away so if she only played with them we'd be stuffed.

I don't have any cousins. And neither does my DH (neither of us have any aunts or uncles either).

A useful response when she next tries to pin you down for a new date:

Her: "Great let's have a playdate Sunday!"

You, politely: "No thanks, I'd rather not."

If she offers another date: "No, thanks."

If she persists in asking or asks why not:

You, kindly: "Well, I find being around Logan really stressful."

Otherwise she'll just keep pushing for the next playdate, after she's pushed you eventually into agreeing to one, and it will never end.

They sound like hard work but I think you could be more assertive.

'No sorry we have plans' covers any time you don't want to meet.

If you want to end it, do! 'Better do DS supper now, thanks, see you next time'

You don't have to let them run it

I would just stop admitting to having no plans. Make references to having lots on at the moment and say you're doing something with your mum/someone she doesn't know if she asks what you're doing and you don't want to meet up.
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I think it’s okay to say apologetically that your DS is going through a phase where he’s out of sync with Logan and isn’t enjoying the play. He’s 4 and they go through phases but you don’t want to push it.

That way you’re attributing it to your four year old’s developmentally typical if a little unfriendly behaviour, as opposed to her little boy being a crushing bore and animal tormentor.
Offer to meet up for a coffee sometime without the boys. If that’s logistically difficult then it just won’t happen and no loss but at least she knows it’s not her.

Thank you, I've managed to avoid a play date for another week.

@LightDrizzle That is a good idea.

DH is saying eventually we will have to be blunt and hurt them as I don't think they see things as we do. Don't think they realise the impact his behaviour has on us adults in particular, DS is more easy going.

The trouble with making excuses is it doesn't solve the problem. It keeps coming back.

That's not true though as you can keep up the 'we are so busy at the moment' for quite a long time and gradually tail things off without having to say anything like "we don't want to because of Logan's behaviour" It works precisely because the other mum will learn not to Lee asking so often. All OP has to do is keep it up til school starts next year and everyone will be too busy for these long unwieldy play dates..!

Time to be honest in the kindest way you can and say it's too often to meet up and that you and your boy don't want to be tied to a standing arrangement with any of his friends.

The latter bit of this is fair enough though and good advice but it's part of what others have been suggesting in "we are busy lots to do... " so "it's too often to meet up... " & "don't want to be tied up to a standing arrangement" would follow very easily from that

I don't see why OP can't keep saying " oh can't as we are busy, I don't want to commit as we've so much to fit in, will let you know when we can" each time Friendmum asks directly or texts.

It's NOHB if OP and DS prefer to have family time and other play dates with other DCs who are DS's friends (& are less demanding DCs)

Was said early on it didn't sound like Logan had SEN, as no mention from his mum, however was recognised he possibly could. But regardless it isn't OP and DS's job to be his friend to have 3-6 hour play dates 2-3 times a week!! Ain't nobody usually do that for one child they aren't even fond of!

OP's priority is her sanity and her DS and who he'd rather play with. DS won't benefit from a stressed out mum

Are you children both about to start school? Same school?

Plan a meetup a few weeks away, and if she tries to plan something in the meantime just reply saying it doesn't work for you but your ds is looking forward to the Xth.

For the meetup itself set aside a few hours then have a reason you need to leave: dentist appt, visit to aged parents etc. And leave.

No need to respond to each message she sends - isn't it a shame you don't always get them???

This is like the wet lettuce olympics!

His parents are the loveliest of people, very kind and generous, but pushing really hard for play dates.

Lovely people don't push boundaries like that.

I've been guilt tripped several times but I don't want to do this anymore.

Lovely people don't guilt trip you into doing things you don't want to do.

I want them to be friends but I don't want them to meet more than 2 times a month. At the moment they push for once or twice a week. I've politely refused a few times, but I'm having to do this every few days.

I'm annoyed that I have to do this every single week.

Lovely people respect the wishes of others and don't bulldozer them with their own agendas.

DH is saying eventually we will have to be blunt and hurt them as I don't think they see things as we do.

Ya reckon? Seriously, they are not taking the hint, they do not give a shit about you and your feelings, and one day you will have to actually say something.

Instead of going home with a headache and spending two days recovering, and finding new reasons to fend off their invitations for a week or so's reprieve and looking for the magic words to make them stop, you will have to say something really clear about what you want and don't want. It is clear what you don't want from your posts in this thread! Find a way to say it. Do it by text if in person is inconceivable. But you really do need to use your words.

I don’t agree with planning a meet up in a few weeks. Just tell them you don’t want to! Life is too short to mess around with people like this.

You can mix up 'too busy' with 'don't know what we are doing yet, I'm waiting for a few people to get back to me'