How to politely avoid play dates

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DS (4) has a few friends. One of them, Logan (not his real name) is very hard work on play dates. First of all he is not interacting much with DS, prefers ru ning around looking for bugs, which is absolutely fine, but he dominates our play dates. We do what Logan wants to do, we go where Logan wants to go etc. He would not do anything he doesn't want to do and I come home exhausted.

His parents are the loveliest of people, very kind and generous, but pushing really hard for play dates. If we meet let's say on a Sat, the mum would be like: what are you doing tomorrow. If I say I have no plans, she'd be insisting on meeting again for the boys to play together. I've been guilt tripped several times but I don't want to do this anymore. DS has other friends who are more easy going and I'd like to encourage these friendships. I want them to be friends but I don't want them to meet more than 2 times a month. At the moment they push for once or twice a week.

I've politely refused a few times, but I'm having to do this every few days. Any ideas?

I deal with this by saying "we are having a quiet day to ourselves tomorrow but could meet on [date two weeks in the future]"

I think with such an insistent parent I’d be more direct: ‘we love to see you and Logan but that’s too often for us, we need time do do other things. How about on x date?’

Oh my friend's son was like this, except it was stones. On a day out we wouldn't get beyond the car park because he would just be scraping up pebbles FOR HOURS. My friend wouldn't hurry him because she didn't want him to feel there was anything wrong with an interest in Geology. He didn't seem that interested in DS and yet she would keep insisting he wanted to see him.

We fell out in the end about something else but truthfully every time she gets back in touch I just think about the tedium of spending time with her DS and twist out of picking the friendship up.

She asked me once after a play date on a Sunday if we can agree for the boys to meet every Sunday from then on. I was horrified. I managed to dodge that so far, but we live in the same area and bump into each other a lot too which is a bit of a pain. When we do meet it's like: oh can the boys have a little play, especially if we are in a park. It really stresses me. DS in my only and I'm new to all this.

That sounds familiar. Very little interest in DS, but then we spend hours just waiting around for Logan to find all the bugs, the caterpillars, collect and drag around all the sticks, throw stones around or at the ducks and swans. The parents never hurry him, ever. Or if they tell him off about the wildlife he gets really upset and does it even more. I feel I shouldn't have to deal with this, I come home really stressed.

With accidental park bump-ins, that’s actually easier, because they can do their own thing: Logan’s mum clearly means “your DS can follow Logan bug hunting and do what he wants”, but the park vibe IME is more “Whoops, mine’s running in this direction, better go and prevent an accident”. You’re not bound to do whatever Logan wants because you never arranged to hang out with Logan in the first place. It’s a serendipitous meet-up: let your DS carry on with whatever he’s doing, and to Logan’s mum add a firm, “Great, we’re heading to the playground on the way to [something they can’t join, with a set finish time].”

With all the text requests I agree with a pp, arrange group outings so when she texts you can say, “We’re busy for the next X weeks but you should come along to the summer fete/park picnic/jamboree - lots of preschool are going.”

Just seen your update and I would have zero qualms being blunter and ruder with parents of a stone-throwing kid, especially at the wildlife.

“The boys can have a little play.” “Great! We’re going to do that at the playground/zipwire/wherever, see you there if Logan fancies it.” Then bundle DS under your arm like a rugby ball and run away.

Just be blunt and say you are busy. End of. You don’t have to explain just say no thanks we are busy.

Are you friends with the mum yourself? If not, then while I wouldn’t be rude or mean, I wouldn’t care too much about offending her.

Well maybe I'm mean but i'd say (and I have done this on a couple of occasions already) .. 'aw it's so fun to see you guys out but honestly I was exhausted after the last play date, child X ran rings around me! So I'm not going to host play dates for a little while if that's ok. It's not an easy age is it. Do you fancy a drink one evening, sans kids?'

Chasing the wildlife too until they get distressed. I think at the age of 4 children should understand this isn't ok.

I agree. I actually think it’s more polite to be direct.

She asked me once after a play date on a Sunday if we can agree for the boys to meet every Sunday from then on.

I couldn't cope with this type of pressure either! And people who don't/ can't get their child to leave after a playdate drive me crazy (and never get invited back!).

She sounds lonely, but tbh that isn't your problem to solve. I would back far away from this 'friendship' and not look back!

-We are taking a break from playdates ATM.
-I have already have plans that day.
-We've planned some family time.

She'll get the hint eventually. Bumping into her is more awkward, but the kids not really being interested in playing makes it easier to escape!

No this weekend doesn’t work for us. And repeat. She will get the message.

My go to is to tell the person that things are hectic the next few weeks / months so you won't be available and then keep repeating that until they get fed up.

She sounds lonely, but tbh that isn't your problem to solve. I would back far away from this 'friendship' and not look back!

I don't think they are lonely. They both have very busy jobs, her husband is very social, always befriends other dads and they go out a lot. I suspect is for Logan's benefit who couldn't make any other friends and so pushing my DS for more time together.

They ask us out as a family too but DH and I are dreading the time with Logan and the fact that we have very little control over what the kids do and how long they play.

I went to their house once back in Feb, during the stormy weather, the idea was to stay for about 1.5 - 2 hrs. We ended up staying for 6 hrs!!! They prepared food for the kids at lunch and so couldn't refuse and every time I tried to 'escape' they found more 'fun' stuff to do and the pleading: stay longer. It's too stormy out! . I still remember coming home feeling like I was trapped!! Took me 2 days to get over it. Had to watch Logan jumping around like crazy, kicking the puzzle that DS has worked on, kicking things around...never did this again.

They prepared food for the kids at lunch and so couldn't refuse
This is what you need to work on. You can't worry about being rude to rude people. "Oh you shouldn't have. I mean, really you shouldn't have. We're eating at home, bye."

Yes work on your exit strategy - ‘oh we can’t stay long - granny is coming at 12 for lunch’ isn’t rude, you are letting them know your plans. Get in straight away when you arrive.

Or set a phone alarm at 12 as if someone’s ringing - answer ‘Oh hi, yes we’re just leaving now’ and walk out.

Bump into them in the park and just say ‘oh we’re just leaving, lovely to see you’ and leave

You don’t have to do this!!

Ah, some of this is on you, OP: someone keeps pleading for you to stay, you say, “We can’t, we have plans”. Staying for 6 hours on a play date out of politeness is madness!

And just because the parents won’t chivvy him along or are content to stand there while he looks at bugs doesn’t mean you have to go along with it: just say “DS really needs to have a run around/get worn out on the playground/is out of his mind bored, we’re going to keep moving but catch us up if you can drag Logan away from the twigs, haha”.

Most outdoor play dates I arrange with DD are dip-in-and-out affairs because the kids want to do different things: she likes running, her pal might like sitting still. They both do what they want but periodically come over to each other, or meet at the end for ice cream. According to DD “we had a really nice play, I like so-and-so” even if in total she spent 3 minutes with them. Do what your kid needs and enjoys instead of pandering to Logan’s parents: they’re not pandering to you.

You definitely need boundaries. Meet away from your house so you can leave!! Ideally invite a few others. If she's pushing to meet say, I might be busy il text you. Then give a couple of dates a few weeks away. If she asks what your doing and you don't have plans say family time. It's possible she's a bit lonely if her child is demanding it may put people off meeting up, do you talk to her (gently) about her struggle to manage child?

Logan sounds horrible. Finding bugs, throwing stones at birds. I wouldn't want to be around him. Your DS may be a kind and easy-going child, but that doesn't mean he has signed up to be Logan's shadow, while Logan injures wildlife.

His parents' lack of parenting, and their desperation to use you and your DS as weekly or bi-weekly unpaid parenting relief/childcare is really off.

Rather than 'being busy', as she is not taking hints to back off, why don't you tell her a polite version of what you've said here. It is stressful to be around Logan.

I actually feel a bit sorry for the little boy. He's not "horrible", he's 4 with a perhaps slightly socially inept mother! If you get on with the mother then what's wrong with meeting at the park? You don't have to follow her and her son around, surely? Just do what your DS wants to do and say "oh, we're going to go play on the swings now, we'll come and join you looking for bugs in a bit." Then be led by what your DS wants to do. Of course if your DS actively doesn't like being around the boy then that's different but I don't see that in your posts - just that you don't like being around him!

Set boundaries for yourself! You don't enjoy being trapped by them. They're pushy, they don't mind that their being rude by trying to not let you say no. They're manipulating situations. Honestly they're pushy/rude/thick skinned so you can be quite blunt I think. Always always hedge your bets and say things like "we're visiting family" or be very vague about meeting up next time. Always say "I'll text you when we're free" . I say things like "thanks for asking but I will have to check the calendar at home I think we've got a few parties at the weekends for the next couple of months!". Or "yes, well I'll think about it". Deflect offers to get together as often as you can. Outright ignore texts and next time you see her say "I didn't get your text, maybe my phone is playing up".

I think you are going to have to deal with this head on because it sounds like you live locally enough for them to go to the same school and potentially close enough for her to send Logan round to knock for your DS when they are a bit older? The mum will present your DSs as 'best friends' at the school gates and you won't be able to move on.

You sound very polite to the point of not being very assertive OP. I think you have to pull up your big girl pants and start saying a hard no.

This is a good idea. Depending on the age of your child I’d even say to them when they bump into Logan they don’t have to stay with him can go off and play. I’ve had to learn I shouldn’t put my child last to avoid hurting other peoples feelings.

Yes I think whether they are going to the same school is pertinent. If they are not things will naturally die off as your ds makes his own friends. He can also be 'so warn out with school'. Never suggest they join the same clubs.

If he is going to the same school it is more of an issue and I would try to avoid them being pushed together. You could counter with suggestions of just meeting with her and some other mums in the evening if you get on with her as a person and they are going to be in the same school. 'Ah my Archie isn't so keen on playdates at the moment, but let's get some of the other mums together and go out one evening.'