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Original poster

How to politely avoid play dates

87 replies

Librarycard12 · 30/06/2022 15:45

DS (4) has a few friends. One of them, Logan (not his real name) is very hard work on play dates. First of all he is not interacting much with DS, prefers ru ning around looking for bugs, which is absolutely fine, but he dominates our play dates. We do what Logan wants to do, we go where Logan wants to go etc. He would not do anything he doesn't want to do and I come home exhausted.

His parents are the loveliest of people, very kind and generous, but pushing really hard for play dates. If we meet let's say on a Sat, the mum would be like: what are you doing tomorrow. If I say I have no plans, she'd be insisting on meeting again for the boys to play together. I've been guilt tripped several times but I don't want to do this anymore. DS has other friends who are more easy going and I'd like to encourage these friendships. I want them to be friends but I don't want them to meet more than 2 times a month. At the moment they push for once or twice a week.

I've politely refused a few times, but I'm having to do this every few days. Any ideas?

OP posts:
stuntbubbles · 30/06/2022 15:47

Instead of saying “no plans” say “family time”. Which covers a multitude of sins, including “mooching at home, going to the park, any activity where you might see us out”.

Smogtopia · 30/06/2022 15:47

Can't you schedule it in? Say 'our weekends over summer are getting so busy visiting everyone - shall we set aside two hours on ten first of the month every month?'

declutteringmymind · 30/06/2022 15:47

Just say that you'll get back to her with some dates.

Also, maybe invite her to group outings? Their child will be diluted a bit.

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RidingMyBike · 30/06/2022 15:51

I had one like this - I dealt with it by 'having to check my diary' and then suggesting dates myself, but making sure they were far in the future and spread out so there wasn't more than one every half term or so. Also, not having them in our house (the mum took hours to leave each time) but somewhere I could leave from helped.

I also invited to group things eg toddler group instead to dilute it a bit.

aSofaNearYou · 30/06/2022 15:52

I would just stop admitting to having no plans. Make references to having lots on at the moment and say you're doing something with your mum/someone she doesn't know if she asks what you're doing and you don't want to meet up.

Whereismumhiding4 · 30/06/2022 15:55

Oh @Librarycard12
I'm I really fee for you as this is such a difficult situation

When in doubt go vague and say "I'll let you know, we are so busy with family time and other friends" Then become busy and don't reply

Logan's family will get the hint eventually and it's ok to put your DS first.

Your DS is 4 - he'll soon be at school in reception year and making new school friends. It's ok to just invite round the peer friends that DS enjoys having play dates with. If you feel up to the odd play date at yours with Logan or sending DS to theirs then so be it but please never let your parental politeness impact negatively on your DS, as I can tell that's what's bothering you. We've all had this where it was too much to have play dates with a child our DCs didn't actually like that much and had to 'go vague' and avoid the parents

Whereismumhiding4 · 30/06/2022 15:59

I want them to be friends but I don't want them to meet more than 2 times a month. At the moment they push for once or twice a week.

I've politely refused a few times, but I'm having to do this every few days. Any ideas?

That's far too much! People don't see other DCs for play dates that much! Blimey even every 2 weeks is too much! You'll not have time next year when he's at school and he will have a wider group of friends then. I'd ease off and just be too busy with your summer plans. Make arrangements with other children and think once a month once at theirs and once a month at yours and once out in a group if you must. That's 3 play dates between now and start of YrR when you can assume your DS will make new school friends ...

Whereismumhiding4 · 30/06/2022 16:00

I meant monthly ....

Never invite a child round your house that is bossy and takes over and your DD doesn't enjoy playing with

It really is ok to say "sorry, can't as we are busy. " on repeat

Whereismumhiding4 · 30/06/2022 16:01

DS not Dd

Original poster
Librarycard12 · 30/06/2022 16:22

Thank you for all your replies.

I'm annoyed that I have to do this every single week. Every few days I get a message from his mum saying saying: 'hey, Logan woke up this morning asking about your DS, he says he really misses him and really wants to see him. When can we meet?' Then comes with ideas and gives me options.

We've managed to avoid the play dates for the last 2 weeks, but today I got another request. They don't seem to back off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Librarycard12 · 30/06/2022 16:27

We invited them round our house about 4 months ago, we were thinking about 2 hours which turned into 3.5 hrs because Longan didn't want to leave. They were negotiating with him very gently for 30 mins with the front door wide open, whilst he was sitting down on the floor with his arms crossed, saying no to everything.

It got passed DS's dinner time and we were all exhausted by it. Needless to say they've not invited over ever since. We always meet outside the house.

OP posts:
Original poster
Librarycard12 · 30/06/2022 16:30

declutteringmymind · 30/06/2022 15:47

Just say that you'll get back to her with some dates.

Also, maybe invite her to group outings? Their child will be diluted a bit.

Oh yes, never thought of that. Diluted outing sounds like a good idea

OP posts:
Original poster
Librarycard12 · 30/06/2022 16:32

Librarycard12 · 30/06/2022 16:30

Oh yes, never thought of that. Diluted outing sounds like a good idea

Show quote history

I meant group outing ...not diluted outing 😬

OP posts:
SeaToSki · 30/06/2022 16:39

She might be so keen on you because everyone else has rumbled what a pain Logan is at the moment and is ducking playdates too.

You could try to say that DS is struggling to play nicely with Logan at the moment, so you need to take a break from playdates with him for a bit. Why dont we try again in a month or so when they have both matured a bit more.

He may well be a better playdate option in a few months, dc go through phases

Whereismumhiding4 · 30/06/2022 16:43

I'm annoyed that I have to do this every single week. Every few days I get a message from his mum saying saying: 'hey, Logan woke up this morning asking about your DS, he says he really misses him and really wants to see him. When can we meet?' Then comes with ideas and gives me options.
Look @Librarycard12 I'm as soft hearted as they come a parent and I'm a single parent and have had DCs friends with ADHD ADD and various LDs conditions including autism round my house. It has to be what your DCs want as you can't force it on them. And most parents with SEN know that. And I doubt Logan has SEN.

What this parent is doing is manipulative . It isn't about what her child (or she) wants but what you want and what your DS wants and you are not a community service or play place for her child. You are parent to your DS. And your sanity counts!!!

I suspect you are an easy person to invite themselves round to as you are affected by her texts. I promise you that the world will not collapse if you go vague or say no.

Neither will you be a bad parent or person. We've all had hangers on with DCs that are bloody hard work and I don't invite them round again. I can stalk for GB now.

My bff is lovely but my DCs don't like her DCs who ARE HARD WORK too! I don't invite them round unless I have a group coming round, with parents, and I tend to go out with her when I don't have my DCs nor she hers.

A 2 hour play date that extended to 3.5 hours as their DS refused to leave and your DS had a delayed tea because of it? No no and no. That's not a repeat invite child.

Whereismumhiding4 · 30/06/2022 16:44

Sorry bold fail!!

I'm annoyed that I have to do this every single week. Every few days I get a message from his mum saying saying: 'hey, Logan woke up this morning asking about your DS, he says he really misses him and really wants to see him. When can we meet?' Then comes with ideas and gives me options.

Whereismumhiding4 · 30/06/2022 16:48

I can stall (not stalk!!!) for GB I meant

"Well we have a lot on, I will let you know. You don't need to text me, I will shout if or when we are free. It's a terribly busy time for DH and I..."

Original poster
Librarycard12 · 30/06/2022 16:48

SeaToSki · 30/06/2022 16:39

She might be so keen on you because everyone else has rumbled what a pain Logan is at the moment and is ducking playdates too.

You could try to say that DS is struggling to play nicely with Logan at the moment, so you need to take a break from playdates with him for a bit. Why dont we try again in a month or so when they have both matured a bit more.

He may well be a better playdate option in a few months, dc go through phases

You are right, they've tried to make friends with other DCs but it didn't work out. I believe DS is his only friend because DS is quite easy going and doesn't mind Logan, even when they don't interact much.

OP posts:
Whereismumhiding4 · 30/06/2022 16:52

I agree with @SeaToSki
But don't promise anything so no "we will see about next month... "

What you learn when you've been burnt a few times is that you do not have to arrange play dates with a child that is hard work. Your DCs will make other friends. Unless your DScis asking for Logan to come round (not initiate by Logan begging him) then it's ok to say no. Even if your DS is asking , as a parent you can also decide to say no. Slowly ghost on the play dates and don't promise what you dread. Your child is young for such a short period, Logan will be hard work for years to come... don't set yourself up to be a martyr

Whereismumhiding4 · 30/06/2022 16:54

I'm coming in strong because Logan isn't your child nor your responsibility to entertain. Other parents don't get sucked in so please don't let yourself be sucked in

AmbushedByCake · 30/06/2022 16:57

Librarycard12 · 30/06/2022 16:27

We invited them round our house about 4 months ago, we were thinking about 2 hours which turned into 3.5 hrs because Longan didn't want to leave. They were negotiating with him very gently for 30 mins with the front door wide open, whilst he was sitting down on the floor with his arms crossed, saying no to everything.

It got passed DS's dinner time and we were all exhausted by it. Needless to say they've not invited over ever since. We always meet outside the house.

You need to be a bit firmer. I have no qualms whatsoever in saying to my DCs friends "right you have to go now, we're having dinner/leaving for swimming" or whatever is appropriate. DS has a gorgeous little 4yo friend who never wants to leave him, when she squeals "I'm not going" I say "yes you are", and pick up her shoes and bag and take them to the door. Bonus in your case, if you offend the parent with boundaries they'll stop hassling you.

INeedNewShoes · 30/06/2022 17:05

I’d say ‘oh sorry - can’t do tomorrow. I’ll check my diary when I get home and we’ll figure something out.

Then text saying you’re free on the 21\22 September. Which of those days would suit her better?

I’ve actually become more ruthless than that. If DD and I don’t enjoy meeting with certain people for a play date there’s no way I’m going to agree to one. Life is too short and too full-on to spend your time doing something that’s purely hard work.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 30/06/2022 18:39

Good luck OP. I’d go for the busy/family time, non specific excuse.

My dd has a different play date problem - she’s had a close friend of Gdd to play umpteen times - they get on absolutely fine, no problem at all, but the other mum has never once reciprocated. No excuses either, except to say in not quite so many words that she CBA.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 30/06/2022 18:47

The parents / mum aren’t lovely, they’re either thick or have the hide of rhinos. Or perhaps it’s what Logan wants Logan gets at home, so of course if he wants to play with little Johnny…

”I’m afraid afternoons/weekends are family time. I’ll shout when we’re free to meet up.”

My daughter goes to nursery with a girl from a religious family who really don’t mix. The mum has an almost artful way of politely dodging invites to bdays and playdates Grin.

Kastri · 30/06/2022 18:50

It will be the parent who wants to palm him off on you so she can get a break,not the boy who is asking to come.
Be ruthless,always be too busy and dont get back to her.Keep saying no till she gets the message and starts pestering someone else.I wouldnt say maybe next month,just no every time.People like this are relentl
ess and shameless about getting there own way so be relentless back.