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Original poster

9 Year old hates new Partner

60 replies

Helpat43 · 29/06/2022 10:01

Hello,

I am hoping for advice please.
My ex and I broke up just over 2 years ago. My little girl has taken it very hard. She would have been a lot better but her Dad took it hard and let her know that Mummy was the one to ‘break up our happy family, make us move out of our family home and all because her happiness is more than important than ours’. So my little girl has been pretty anti me, telling the teachers at school that she wants to kill me etc.
As a bit of background my ex is extremely controlling and after 20 years I just couldn’t take it anymore.
I have worked so hard with my daughter, I do absolutely everything for her.
She is still having a hard time at school, saying she has anger issues because of the split, she’s started hurting herself and playing up in class. She is a very mixed up little girl, although I know she also likes the attention this gives her.
Anyway, I met a new man, it is someone I have known for years and after the split he said how he has feelings for me and we got close. We have been together for over a year and things are pretty serious.
My little girl has met him on various occasions (she knew him before and always liked him), we’ve done day trips out, picnics and recently visited my family for a weekend and he came with us.
After going back to her dads for a couple of days she is now saying that she absolutely hates my new partner, she never wants to see him again and if she does see him she will go and live with her daddy.
We are due to take her to a theme park next weekend and she is saying she won’t go and will go to her dads.
I don’t know how to handle it. He is absolutely great with her and she is always happy when we’re all together. But her dad has convinced her that the new partner is the reason mummy and daddy aren’t together (not true AT ALL).
The thing is, I know that she would be like this with any new person I had in my life. It’s not him, it’s the fact she will only ever want to see me with her Dad.
Should I stop her seeing the new partner? Although eventually I would like us to move in together, I know this is not an option right now because of the way she is.

My family say that she is becoming as controlling as her dad and I need to nip it in the bud now, but how do I do that? If I insist on her keep seeing my new partner (its really not very often) she will just be rude to him and then want to go and stay at her dads (which he whole heartedly encourages).
I feel at a complete loss.

OP posts:
RoyKentsChestHair · 29/06/2022 10:42

Why does she need to spend time with him? You don’t need to stop seeing him but why can’t you do that while she is at her dad’s and then the time she’s with you is just for her and you?

Quartz2208 · 29/06/2022 10:44

RoyKentsChestHair · 29/06/2022 10:42

Why does she need to spend time with him? You don’t need to stop seeing him but why can’t you do that while she is at her dad’s and then the time she’s with you is just for her and you?

This - she clearly isnt ready.

Her time with you focus on her

Inthesameboatatmo · 29/06/2022 10:50

Whether she knew him before is irrelevant. He wasn't a partner then so the dynamics have shifted. With all that she has going on why on earth did you think it was a good idea to introduce him as a partner so soon? You reap what you sow op. You should have thought about it and out her needs first instead of thinking about yourself and your needs.

AdamRyan · 29/06/2022 10:54

I have been in a similar situation and don't agree the answer is she doesn't see him. She is a child, it's your life and your home. You get to choose who to invite into it.

I think you should be sensitive (no overnight stays for the time being, minimise cuddling/kissing) but I think it's totally reasonable to expect her to be polite to him as she would to any other visitor.

If she doesn't ever see him she's just going to get more entrenched into "hating him" - especially with Daddy stirring from the sidelines.

So the theme park - that's her choice, I'd accept it if she doesn't want to go but say it's disappointing as it would be fun for all of you.

Personally in my experience if you let them go to other parent when asked it cramps other parents style and also loses its power as they can't threaten it and also they miss you. I just say something like "well I'll be sad not to see you as I love spending time with you but I'm never going to stop you seeing daddy so if that's what you want I'll see you next time".

Daddy will eventually get a girlfriend and be less interested in this bollocks.

I feel for you, it is like the ex is still calling the shots through the children and it's despicable.

lolil · 29/06/2022 10:55

Listen to her.

HSKAT · 29/06/2022 10:56

lolil · 29/06/2022 10:55

Listen to her.

This.

Don't force her, don't force their relationship.
Give her time.

OrlandointheWilderness · 29/06/2022 10:57

You'd only been broken up with her dad for a year before getting together with him. Fine for us adults - but to an 8 year old girl who is struggling it's a lot to deal with. I wouldn't stop seeing him, he makes you happy, is a good man and you love him. Your happiness matters too. But she clearly isn't coping so is probably try and keep it separate. I would have a talk with her as well, tell her he is nothing to do with the split with her father, that you love him and want him in your life, but because it clearly makes her unhappy you won't expect her to see much of him. Her father is clearly pouring poison, there isn't much you can do about the barring just carrying on calmly and steadily and try your best to mitigate it without turning it into a he said she said thing. And no, she can't go to daddies on a whim to punish you.

Clymene · 29/06/2022 10:58

He's your partner, not hers. De-escalate. See him when she's at her dad's.

Greensleeves · 29/06/2022 10:59

She needs counselling, urgently. You need to put her first, and keep your boyfriend to the times when she's with her father.

TheAverageUser · 29/06/2022 11:00

I think @AdamRyan has some really good points. You don't force anything but equally you can't allow your ex and your daughter to control you in this way.

Trinity69 · 29/06/2022 11:01

Similar situation here, separated for 3 years, met new man. Introduced kids far too soon with hindsight and although my daughter has always liked my new partner, my son did not. Ex wasn't happy about the split or me finding someone new so dripped poison into the ears of both kids at every opportunity.
Funnily enough my daughter doesn't see her Dad at all (her choice) and my son does but still comes back proclaiming how much of a prick his dad is. Both kids now adore my partner. Just take it slow and give her time.

AuntieStella · 29/06/2022 11:03

Yes, I'd suspend her contact with your new partner.

DD is not ready for this, and it will be wholly counterproductive to push her into seeing someone when all it does is cause problems.

That doesn't necessarily mean she never, ever sets eyes on him, but he should not usually be present when she is around.

Listen to her.

She is still processing the break up of her parents. Give her the time she needs.

You can't do much about an XH bad-mouthing you, but DC really do come to see things more plainly as they grow.

darlingdodo · 29/06/2022 11:11

Does your ex have a new partner? How old is your daughter, I couldn't see it in your post?

As with pp I would get her some counselling/therapy, see your friend when she's not with you.

Perhaps speak to someone about dealing with your poisonous ex - you had the courage to leave him, you don't want his controlling behaviour to blight your future. I don't know if women's Aid can help with this issue, or perhaps some counselling for yourself. You need a response for when your daughter accuses you of splitting up your family.

Simbobbly · 29/06/2022 11:28

You say theme park, is it just the 3 of you going? She really means it if she is prepared to forego a theme park trip.

I would just back off and keep them apart for now. She's quite triggered by this right now and pushing her is likely to be counterproductive. She is too young, and it's far too early, to assume she's being manipulative rather than insecure and scared.

While ExH may be feeding this, don't try to control his actions by controlling hers. That way madness lies.

StarDolphins · 29/06/2022 11:29

I would keep the Bf relationship completely separate to your DD - see him only when she’s at her Dad’s.

NippyWoowoo · 29/06/2022 11:41

darlingdodo · 29/06/2022 11:11

Does your ex have a new partner? How old is your daughter, I couldn't see it in your post?

As with pp I would get her some counselling/therapy, see your friend when she's not with you.

Perhaps speak to someone about dealing with your poisonous ex - you had the courage to leave him, you don't want his controlling behaviour to blight your future. I don't know if women's Aid can help with this issue, or perhaps some counselling for yourself. You need a response for when your daughter accuses you of splitting up your family.

It's in the title Grin

She's 9

DarkShade · 29/06/2022 11:41

Agree, no reason for you to go to theme parks together or for her to know you're in a relationship. In my opinion you could have introduced him as a friend and spent time together that way. I would have hated spending time with a parents partner as a kid, and would not force a child to.

lolil · 29/06/2022 11:49

But her dad has convinced her that the new partner is the reason mummy and daddy aren’t together (not true AT ALL).

Or she has confided in him because she feels she can't tell you. It doesn't telework matter why, as I said upthread you need to listen to her.

darlingdodo · 29/06/2022 11:58

Nippy, thanks, duhhhh. Grin

Movingsoon21 · 29/06/2022 12:02

I would take a multi-pronged approach.

I would correct her every single time she says something like “new DP is the reason you and daddy split, I hate him!” So, “that’s not true. Mummy and daddy split because X reason and daddy made mummy very unhappy. You are the most important person in my life and always will be, but new DP also makes me happy and He would love to get to know you better”. if she says “but daddy said…” then just correct her “well daddy is wrong and is just saying that to upset us”.

I wouldn’t force lots of time with new DP on her but I also wouldn’t banish him. Make sure you also have lots of quality alone time with DD.

take the sting out of the threat to visit daddy by allowing it “ok I love you and would prefer to spend time with you but if you want to visit daddy then you can”. He’ll soon get bored of having her so often, especially once he meets someone new. She’ll also learn the threat doesn’t work.

Also spend time discussing the issues with her. Ask her why she doesn’t like new DP and again correct anything she says about it being his fault re the split. Remind her of nice times she has spent with him/ nice things he’s done for her to show he’s actually not a “baddy”.

I’d also look into counselling for her regarding the split.

WinterDeWinter · 29/06/2022 12:07

I think if one parent is controlling and narcissistic and is trying to 'turn' a child, I would do everything I could to get the child therapy or family therapy.

Original poster
Helpat43 · 29/06/2022 12:20

Thank you all,

I am going through the process to get her therapy.

I did introduce him as a friend first and she liked him then, but because her Dad said 'it's mummy's boyfriend and he's the reason we're not together' that's when all the trouble started.

She hardly see's him really, once a month maybe twice, it's only ever been the odd day out or picnic. I would never have him stay over, he's only actually been round for dinner a couple of times.

I know that if I stop her seeing him straight away then she will only grow to hate him more (mainly because of her dad) and when I do want to introduce him to her again it will be worse.

I have ALWAYS put my little girls feelings first, it's a bit harsh to say 'you reap what you sow' but the fact is whatever I do her Dad manages to turn it around to be something bad. He puts her off of my family too, should I stop seeing them too?

I do listen to her and tell her she is my world, I love her more than anyone and that I will always be there for her and she is fine until she goes back to Dad's for a couple of days.

OP posts:
lolil · 29/06/2022 12:48

So are you going to stop her having to see this man or not?

titchy · 29/06/2022 13:06

There's two things going in here that need to be separated out.

Her father blaming you for everything is clearly having a hugely detrimental affect on her MH - 9 is so very very young to be self harming - that's teen territory. You absolutely need to escalate this urgently. School, GP, CAMHS, SS. Whatever it takes. Her father is abusing her emotionally and he needs to either stop or contact stops. Back to court if needed school presumably can log her behaviour before and after visits? Frankly you should have done this much earlier before it got this far.

Second, your new partner. Normally a year or so after a break up, and taking introductions very slowly at the child's pace would then way to go, with lots of ongoing reassurance. You seem to have been doing this.

However - given the issues in the first point she is nowhere near being able to deal with this. So yes your relationship must take a back burner for now - your child is suffering more because of the impact of her father and your dp.

NippyWoowoo · 29/06/2022 13:14

The focus has to be therapy for her. Getting to know and accept your partner can wait, can even be dealt with later down the line in therapy. Her behaviour is concerning and needs attention and care