9 Year old hates new Partner

[Helpat43]

Hello,

I am hoping for advice please.
My ex and I broke up just over 2 years ago. My little girl has taken it very hard. She would have been a lot better but her Dad took it hard and let her know that Mummy was the one to ‘break up our happy family, make us move out of our family home and all because her happiness is more than important than ours’. So my little girl has been pretty anti me, telling the teachers at school that she wants to kill me etc.
As a bit of background my ex is extremely controlling and after 20 years I just couldn’t take it anymore.
I have worked so hard with my daughter, I do absolutely everything for her.
She is still having a hard time at school, saying she has anger issues because of the split, she’s started hurting herself and playing up in class. She is a very mixed up little girl, although I know she also likes the attention this gives her.
Anyway, I met a new man, it is someone I have known for years and after the split he said how he has feelings for me and we got close. We have been together for over a year and things are pretty serious.
My little girl has met him on various occasions (she knew him before and always liked him), we’ve done day trips out, picnics and recently visited my family for a weekend and he came with us.
After going back to her dads for a couple of days she is now saying that she absolutely hates my new partner, she never wants to see him again and if she does see him she will go and live with her daddy.
We are due to take her to a theme park next weekend and she is saying she won’t go and will go to her dads.
I don’t know how to handle it. He is absolutely great with her and she is always happy when we’re all together. But her dad has convinced her that the new partner is the reason mummy and daddy aren’t together (not true AT ALL).
The thing is, I know that she would be like this with any new person I had in my life. It’s not him, it’s the fact she will only ever want to see me with her Dad.
Should I stop her seeing the new partner? Although eventually I would like us to move in together, I know this is not an option right now because of the way she is.

My family say that she is becoming as controlling as her dad and I need to nip it in the bud now, but how do I do that? If I insist on her keep seeing my new partner (its really not very often) she will just be rude to him and then want to go and stay at her dads (which he whole heartedly encourages).
I feel at a complete loss.

Op, you have done nothing wrong here. I have no idea why some posters are being so weird. Introducing a new partner two years after a marriage break-up is perfectly normal.

You're right to worry about your ex controlling your dd. I urge you to seek legal help.

I wish you all the very best, and well done for escaping your hideous ex. You deserve happiness.

I agree you've done nothing wrong OP and you're actually being very sensitive to your DD's needs. So many posters move on quickly and move in together and force a blended family on grieving, confused DC, but that's not what you're doing at all. It sounds like you escaped a miserable, controlling relationship and have gradually started to move on and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Your controlling ex though is behaving true to form - continuing to control from afar and get at you in the most selfish and harmful way possible - through your DD. What a scumbag he is.

You're doing the right things - by seeking counselling for her, by getting advice from Women's Aid and by taking things slowly with your new DP. I hope things work out for you and I hope your little girl isn't too damaged by her father's actions in the meantime.

Its interesting that she has only come out with this issue about your partner after visiting her dad.

I have had similar with my ex. He used to take DD to his mums and DD always loved it. He didn't. He stopped taking her. DD was constantly begging me to ask daddy to take her and asking when she could go and saying she wants to go to nanny's.... Then one time her dad told her that.... it's boring at nanny's, nanny just goes on her phone and your uncle plays playstation too much so nanny should come and see us and go out with us instead of us going there.

Lo and behold, she now regurgitates that. I know it came from him because it's exactly what he used to text me about why he didn't want to take her there. She has done a complete 180 after one talk with her dad!! It's like she just wants to please him and do what he wants because she misses him. It's sickening tbh. Your ex does sound like hard work.

So I do believe that this is likely more coming from your ex manipulating your DD.

Yes, she has issues which need sorting out, but if this has come about suddenly and her dad has been saying spiteful things to her, I think it comes from him being a toxic fuck

her father is weaponising her emotions to control and distress you, and is happy to distress her and damage her relationship with you to punish you for his own satisfaction. That's the biggest issue here and that needs stopping

This. Google 'parental alienation' and see if anything rings true for you. This situation feels like it's been manufactured by your ex, particularly because she's normally happy to spend time with your BF but it's after she returns from her dad's that she starts complaining. Your ex is probably trying to leverage things so she wants to live with him full time, to hurt and spite you. Don't let that happen.

Your daughter needs help but she's a child and doesn't get to dictate who you can see or not.

Thank you all, it has really helped.

he is toxic but in such a manipulative way that he always comes out the good one and I’m just big, bad mum.

He comes across as a doting dad but she literally repeats (sometimes word for word) every poisonous thing he says.

I’m just hoping that counselling helps because everything I try and do seems to make matters worse.

I hate that my little girl is going through this.

Child doesn't like him. Sometimes children have good reason not to like people. Sometimes it's worth listening to them.

Child doesn't like him. Sometimes children have good reason not to like people. Sometimes it's worth listening to them.

She's expressed her reason not to like him and it isn't a good one. I understand suggesting OP keep things separate but the underlying suggestion she just shouldn't date at all is really unhealthy.

It's not healthy for op to be controlled like this.
In 10 years time (not long at all) dd could be off ti Uni leaving op all on her own.
Yes put dd first but not at the expense of everything.

honestly this will bells on

is there a court order? the ex is a problem here - he is dripping shit into your daughters ear, you need to shut that down straight away and tell her (age appropriate) truth

i agree with the posters who said you need to show her a proper relationship/what it is like to be treated well by a man, so dont sack off your bf!!

i feel for you OP your ex is a twat