9 Year old hates new Partner

[Helpat43]

Hello,

I am hoping for advice please.
My ex and I broke up just over 2 years ago. My little girl has taken it very hard. She would have been a lot better but her Dad took it hard and let her know that Mummy was the one to ‘break up our happy family, make us move out of our family home and all because her happiness is more than important than ours’. So my little girl has been pretty anti me, telling the teachers at school that she wants to kill me etc.
As a bit of background my ex is extremely controlling and after 20 years I just couldn’t take it anymore.
I have worked so hard with my daughter, I do absolutely everything for her.
She is still having a hard time at school, saying she has anger issues because of the split, she’s started hurting herself and playing up in class. She is a very mixed up little girl, although I know she also likes the attention this gives her.
Anyway, I met a new man, it is someone I have known for years and after the split he said how he has feelings for me and we got close. We have been together for over a year and things are pretty serious.
My little girl has met him on various occasions (she knew him before and always liked him), we’ve done day trips out, picnics and recently visited my family for a weekend and he came with us.
After going back to her dads for a couple of days she is now saying that she absolutely hates my new partner, she never wants to see him again and if she does see him she will go and live with her daddy.
We are due to take her to a theme park next weekend and she is saying she won’t go and will go to her dads.
I don’t know how to handle it. He is absolutely great with her and she is always happy when we’re all together. But her dad has convinced her that the new partner is the reason mummy and daddy aren’t together (not true AT ALL).
The thing is, I know that she would be like this with any new person I had in my life. It’s not him, it’s the fact she will only ever want to see me with her Dad.
Should I stop her seeing the new partner? Although eventually I would like us to move in together, I know this is not an option right now because of the way she is.

My family say that she is becoming as controlling as her dad and I need to nip it in the bud now, but how do I do that? If I insist on her keep seeing my new partner (its really not very often) she will just be rude to him and then want to go and stay at her dads (which he whole heartedly encourages).
I feel at a complete loss.

Titchy's message above holds a great deal of sense about this being two issues.

The first is that her father is weaponising her emotions to control and distress you, and is happy to distress her and damage her relationship with you to punish you for his own satisfaction. That's the biggest issue here and that needs stopping.

When you're aware an ex is manipulating a child and feeding them a narrative it is very tempting to not argue with it not wanting to join in with manipulating and stressing the child, but this also means the poor child is hearing a one sided narrative which is damaging their trust and relationship with you. I would as advised above talk to Women's Aid and get advice on how to deal with this and counter it, and would also look at mediation or process possibilities to set out to her father that he is harming her wellbeing and her relationship with you to meet his own needs and this is not on. It's alienation. It needs to stop, and right now, and she needs a much more balanced narrative.

On the backburner is the very difficult addition of a child coming to terms with competition for their parent, a replacement for their much missed parent, someone else in their home etc etc. I would at this time keep the relationship as much away from her as possible but be clear that the relationship will not be ending, as she cannot control this (or be daddy's instrument in controlling it and ending it for daddy's satisfaction) as this doesn't help her any more than you. She needs help to be in a less manipulated and distressed position before you and she will be able to navigate the next steps of this relationship.

It may in the meantime while waiting for professional advice to counter any 'daddy says you did this and this and I have all these problems because daddy says you did this' to mention calmly that you're sorry that daddy is involving her in matters that are between you and him and which will be very difficult for her to understand, you can see she's finding it upsetting and worrying, and as grown ups your job is to protect her from being upset with your feelings and issues. At least sow that seed that he's not being kind when he does this, and she should not feel she has to be his agent and protector.

But you aren't putting her feelings first if you insist she spends time with this man. You chose this - not her. I'd offer opportunities to very occasionally do something together but I would make it optional and not insist (and be prepared for it to take a while). You can spend time with your partner without your child.
I was similar as a child - I had mental health difficulties and then my mother moved her partner in to my life too quickly, then proceeded to move him into the home too. It was horrific. I didn't like him and she then resented me. Decades later our relationship is strained and distant.
My dad never said a great deal on the topic, I think you'd be wrong to assume it's all coming from the ex. I suspect your daughter would just prefer it stayed the two of you. If she's struggling with her mental health/behaviour that's not a terrible idea. She is probably able to work out that if he spends more time with her you'd eventually be wanting him to move in and therefore she's reacting to that 'threat'.

Your child has no need to spend any time with your boyfriend. She is already struggling. She needs stability. No new people in her life.

@windowout the thing is, you’re not the OP’s dd and your experience is unlikely to be the OP’s dd experience either.
To start with, you didn’t have an abusive, controlling father!!

The OP IS putting her dd first. She wouldn’t be here asking how to deal with the situation otherwise!!

Sometimes I think how it would be if I broke up with my husband and what I would do. I would inevitably meet someone else but I can't imagine seeing them with my child around. If she was going to her dad's, which she would be, or family as she does now I would have so much opportunity to see this new person while she wasn't there.

You need to keep your love life and your parenthood separate. Your child needs to be your main priority and you can prioritise a relationship when the child is not with you.

Agree with this, OP

@Helpat43 therapy should be your focus now, fir your dd and for the two of you as a family.
You both need guidance on how to handle this situation. Atm she is a paw for her father to still try and control you, regardless of the impact your dd. She doesn’t have the strength or maturity to step back and see what is happening. She needs support there and so do you!

It is also quite possible that she has learned a lot from watching her dad and is now using that to get what she wants.

Plus of course any divorce can be hard for children too and that will be an issue in itself.

You see if I had a controlling relationship I’d want my dd to see what it means to actually rebuild your life, to see what a partner is supposed to look like, what love and boundaries are in a partner.

I wouldn’t want my dd to think that once I am divorced that that’s it. I can’t rebuild my life and have a normal relationship ever again.
And I would have even more problem to give her the message that I did it ‘for her’.

Does it mean that 2 months after separation, you should move a new man in? Of course not. But the ‘never have a partner until my dcs are adults’ (which will then become never have a partner because as adults, they will just as horrified, won’t gel with the guy, don’t know him etc…) isnt a healthy position. Mothers are allowed partners. They are allowed to rebuild their life after divorce. They shouldn’t have to hide a or settle for a fwb that they meet once every 2 weeks. Someone you meet once every two weeks, no plan to ever live together or create a life together is not a partner in my book btw.

I agree with @Artichokeleaves suggestion of taking professional advice from an organisation such as Women’s Aid.

While divorcing my ex, I had a caseworker from a local women’s charity. My ex often used to tell the children things about me that weren’t true, and I didn’t know how to respond in terms of turning the other cheek/not dragging them into it, if I should defend myself or correct them etc..

The advice I got from the case worker was brilliant. It was specific to our situation but she would literally give me scripts to help deal with common situations, whether it was messages he was sending through the children, things he was accusing me of directly, even down to how to deal with disputes like him not sending their PE kits back after having them. All the everyday stuff that made trying to “co-parent” so hard when I was attempting to work with a man who still wanted to control my life and punish me for leaving him.

OP, get professional support and advice as soon as possible, before this escalates for your DD anymore.

Let her have her own way. Let your ex face the consequences of his badmouthing.

She misses the planned trip (wottashame) and spends the weekend with Dad.
Even if he had other plans.
If she wants to live with Dad, offer to pack her bag and drive her there. Let him sort out the school runs, after school care etc.

She'll soon find out that Disneydad isn't.

Yes I'd keep them separate for now but not a secret, let her know you're still seeing him, invite her on days out with him now and again and if she says no, don't make a big deal out of it. You might find that she gets used to the idea and occasionally agrees to a day out with him, but I wouldn't force it

I was the kid in this situation and I used to hate having to spend time with the new boyfriend too. Why can't you just see him when your DD is at her dad's.

Well said 👏

I'd not force her to spend time with him, but equally I wouldn't stop seeing your new partner and not banish him until your dd is at her dads. Take a slow and soft approach, if she says she hates him, respond with an empathetic response 'it must be difficult to see your mum with a boyfriend, it's probably also makes daddy sad too' 'it makes me sad that you won't come out with us for the day, I thought it would be fun'

Small doses of him too, he comes round for tea, or an hour

I don't think I'd let her go to her dads every-time she doesn't want to do something, it'll set a president that every-time she wants to get out of something she goes to dads

People are being overly arsey here when you are clearly a decent person with an unpleasant ex. How do you respond to her when she repeats the things her dad has told her? Have you alluded to the real reason you aren't with him?

Well actually he was abusive and had various diagnosis' and undiagnosed ASD. He was a poor husband and father and I don't judge my mother for splitting at all however I still wasn't comfortable with her putting another man in my home.
I know it won't be the same experience but It's a forum, I'm providing a view point based on my experience which may be worth considering as there is some similarity.
If OP wants to dismiss if that's fine too.
Just trying to be an alternative voice for the child who sounds like she is having a tough time.

It doesn’t really matter if her reaction is irrational or if her father is the root cause. She is a 9 year old child who is struggling and this man being in her life is making that struggle more difficult. There is nothing stopping you from dating. I would just stop trying to integrate your personal and family life for the moment. You don’t need to hide that you are dating, but don’t expect her to spend any time with him and don’t have him at the house when she is there.

Absolutely agree.

Keep your sex life out of your dd's home. Spend free time with her, and time when she is with her DF with your 'partner' if you have to.

Why "if you have to"? Why is it seen as such a negative thing for her to be in a relationship, even when DD isn't around?

Why does dad think new boyfriend had something to do with the downfall of the marriage? Was there really a one year gap between the marriage ending and you starting to see this guy? Was the guy a point of contention in your marriage before it ended?

There is no point in saying daddy is wrong as then you just have both sides saying the other is wrong and that is too much for a child. Each side trying to get her to believe their perspective and she is caught in the middle of two adults who disagree.

I would back off and stick to the occasional time he is around. Rather than making a day at a theme park trip about him and her spending a day together when she clearly doesn't like him, just do small things where he drops by or joins you occasionally for a short time where she can also get away if she wants.

Wow, I think some people are being particularly nasty.
I was hoping for nice kind advice, which luckily the majority is and to those, thank you so much.
I’m going to look into Woman’s Aid, it sounds like it could be really helpful. I’m just waiting to hear back from Relate too.
I have already told my daughter that I’m not going to make her see him and that perhaps, in time, she may feel differently.
I’m going to leave it for a while before suggesting anything.

For a bit of back story, the reason Ex is saying he’s the reason we split it’s because I have known the new partner for years, so it’s much easier for ex to say we were having an affair than to admit that I left him because of how he is. I NEVER had an affair and can honestly say, hand on heart, that I gave my marriage everything until I couldn’t anymore. I spent the last couple of years of my marriage asking for counselling, asking for him to change but he just got worse. He was extremely controlling to the point that I couldn’t even go to bed without his say so.

This is one of the reasons I’m worried he’s going to turn my daughter into a mini him.

I feel sad at some of the comments on here because they make me sound like a selfish person and if I was then I wouldn’t be asking for help.

I have tried to introduce my new partner because we’ve been seeing each other for a year and at some point I’d like to move on. Maybe live together (yes I’m well aware that’s not anytime soon) but I feel like my ex is still controlling my life but now he’s doing it through my daughter.

For everyone who can't read, op has been separated from her ex for two years, not one.

The main problem here is her poisonous ex dripping lies and malice into her poor DD's ears.

op, I'd seek legal advice now. Parental alienation?

Your ex is being a real shit.

The anti - new partner campaign seems to be instigated by your ex though, not your daughter. It sounds to me she’s complying with dad’s brainwashing ( for want of a better word)
I’d say see your partner 1:1 when your dd is with her father ( who should never have tried to influence a child over whose “fault “ it was you split. One parent should never badmouth the other to the children)
Seeing your partner when your dd is present, could you meet up with family or friends? It’s tough on an only child when there’s no sibling to deflect attention, no one to hide behind and you’re the centre of attention all the time. With other children on an outing everyone is diluted a bit so she may not take as much notice of DP.
You can’t let her dictate how you run your life. She can have her say but you’re the adult, she’s the child.
is there anyone, if you can’t do it, who can speak to your ex about not badmouthing you to dd?