Family outstaying their welcome

[Iamnotyourmum]

My DH’s cousin moved into our house as a temporary stop gap…3 years ago. He’s showing no signs of leaving even though it was supposed to be for 6 months. DH won’t ask him to leave as he has nowhere to go and blew all his money on his hobby.

On top of that DH’s cousin resents me asking him to do his share of cleaning. Apparently he doesn’t know how. He says he’ll do it, but just never does. He’s now stopped using the kitchen and buying take aways as he’s so afraid of being asked to clean up after himself. He doesn’t pay any rent/utilities so I don’t think it’s too onerous to ask him to clean, or is it?

He’s a really lovely man, but enough is enough. How the hell do I get him out of my house without a major falling out?

For a freeloading cousin who’s been there for three years? Yes.

If you tell him he needs to move out, I bet he will not flounce off tonight! He will stay and make it clear he is utterly miserable and Has No Idea How He Will Cope. In the manipulative hope that he will make you both feel so bad that you will cave in and let him stay.
And do not for one minute think that he is sensitive! Nooooooo. He's about as sensitive as a rhino. He's an actor, a ham, a manipulator. He boohoohoos to manipulate, that's all. Re-view everything that's happened through a different filter. The filter of clarity.

Cousin does have a job (and an excellent degree) but it’s unskilled and low paid as he’s waiting for an opportunity in the sector he really wants to work in. He does work full time, he’s not lazy.

Waiting is a curious way to describe it. Does that mean doing everything he can? Interning, volunteering, finding a mentor, looking seriously? Or just waiting. Because three years later, it's not working. And the further away he gets from graduation the less likely it is.

OP, when that family member is a manipulative shit then yes. And you are NOT throwing them out with nowhere to go. He has nowhere to go NOW because you have not given him notice. Once you give notice, he will find somewher to go!

“Waiting for an opportunity”.

Rarely do opportunities fall out of the sky. You’ve got to go looking, gain experience, maybe apply for a job that isn’t quite right. Also, he’s 36! That means there’s 15 years of students who have graduated after him, who may have more up-to-date experience and qualifications. Every month that goes past makes his degree less relevant. I guess he hasn’t applied for these jobs as ‘they’re not quite right’, ‘don’t pay enough’, etc.

Give him a three month warning and point him in the direction such as spare rooms.com, or the rental section on rightmove, so he can start looking for a new abode. Do Not act as a guarantor for him, because if he defaults on payments, you’ll be liable.

I wouldn't throw out a family member who was destitute and going to end up on the streets. But that's not the case here. I definitely would throw out an able-bodied adult with a full-time job who was taking the piss!

without somewhere else to live ??? He only doesn't have somewhere else to live because he doesn't want to! He prefers living somewhere with no rent, bills or chores. So would I, so would everyone, but the rest of us don't exploit our relatives like that!

he’s not lazy
I don't know what other word you'd use to describe a grown man who won't even wash up his own kitchenware.

We're not saying to throw him out onto the literal streets, people are saying to give him a deadline.
You're enabling his behaviour. He's 36 ffs, surely he wants his own space and family of his own one day? You need to be kind and give him a push.

The arrangement sounds perfect. He shouldn’t move out. You are mum and dad and he is teenage son. He does what he wants when he wants. He earns a full time wage and gets to keep all of it for hobbies. Mum and dad do all the serious stuff like pay bills and clean. Let him stay op your lives your choices. It’s been going on for three years. People who freeload and who are indulged by doormats are not uncommon many people live like this.

I don't understand why he's not financially contributing to the household? I suspect if you ask him to pay a fair rent plus a third of the utilities, he'll move on fairly sharpish!

If he's got a job why doesnt he pay rent or bills or anything? Very strange!

It doesn't sound to me like he would end up homeless. End up living in a manner less than what he has grown accustomed to sure but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Well, if you don't want to throw him out then let him live in your house, ad finitum then.

Waiting for an opportunity eh? 🙄

'Waiting for an opportunity'.

Let me guess - a musician, or an artist, or an actor or - god forbid - a poet?

If that's the case, then that particular ship has sailed. People can wait for all the opportunities they like in their late teens / early 20s and, if they're talented enough, they'll succeed.

If you're still waiting for an opportunity in your late 30s, then no, it's time to accept that it's a nice hobby and get a job that pays money and allows you to live like a grown-up.

I'm a huge fan of this quote from the late, great Sir Terry Pratchett:

“If you trust in yourself... and believe in your dreams... and follow your star... you'll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and weren't so lazy.”

And yes, I absolutely would tell an able-bodied adult to get the hell out of my house if they had been hanging about for three years without so much as doing the washing-up.

And tell him that until he moves he will be paying for a weekly cleaner too!

OP, he’s 36 and he’s been living with you and off you for three years! Who cares whether he flounces off and sofa surfs, that’s his problem.

Give him a firm date to move out and let him get on with finding somewhere to live. He isn’t a young adult just starting out, he’s a mature man who can look after himself. Make him do it!

You have yourself a Kiddult Cocklodger. He is taking the piss. Give him two weeks.

How the hell does he not know how to clean? Is his penis getting in the way or something? Pathetic.

How has this 36 year old man been made to be yours and your husbands responsibility?

He's been living in your house, rent free for 3 years and you're worried he'll be offended if you give him 6 months notice to move out?
I wouldn't even give that long to be honest.

He's a grown man. He's not your responsibility.
Explain to him this was meant to be temporary for 6 months and now he needs to start looking for somewhere to live.

The fact he's had the opportunity to save for somewhere to live, but instead has chosen to spend his money on his hobby says he has no intention of leaving. So either you have this conversation with him or he'll be with you forever....

If he chooses to go off and sofa surf - let him. That's his choice as an adult.

Who got fed up of him taking advantage before he landed on your doorstep ?

He's not lazy? Not lazy? He's the very definition of lazy!

He resents me asking him to do his share of cleaning. Apparently he doesn’t know how. He says he’ll do it, but just never does. He’s now stopped using the kitchen and buying take aways as he’s so afraid of being asked to clean up after himself.

Iamnotyourmum
Have you heard of the concept of Tough Love ?

Well that's sort of what we're giving you at the moment - plain speaking. And it's what you need to do to resolve your current situation.
This is a 36 yr old man with 'an excellent' degree so not stupid. He is clearly at least socially adapt enough to convince you and your DH to let him freeload for 3 years, without even so much as doing the washing up.
Your DH is, well sorry I can't get inside his head at all.

It is not unloving to expect this 36 yr old to move out. It is not unloving to expect him to move out before he gets his dream job (frankly if it hasn't happened in 3 yrs the chances of that happening now are very unlikely). It is not unloving to tell him yourself that he has 2 weeks to get himself alternative accommodation and that if he flounces, he flounces. The more you let him stay, the more you are enabling him to be less than an adult. He's not fulfilling his potential with you, so he needs to move on. Don't give him months - people need a bit of a kick to get them moving, so a tight deadline to focus the mind. The deadline might be negotiable (but don't tell him this), if say the flat he finds isn't available for a month, but he's signed the paperwork.

As for your DH - like someone suggested up thread - he has a choice too - who does he want to live with ? Cousin or you - simple. Don't leave it to your DH - take agency for yourself

I'm not sure if I've already posted this, I've searched but it seems not but apologies if I've missed it.
Anyway.
Perhaps some facts might clarify for you, and your DH and give you a better point to put to the Cousin.
Research a similar house share rent
Calculate ALL your utilities, council tax etc for past 36 months. Divide by 3
Food costs. etc
Does he drive, or borrow your car, get lifts? add that in.
Estimate What would it cost a cleaner to tidy up for him on a weekly basis - add that to the mix. Write it all up clearly and come to a total.
That is how much you have been subsidising Cousin for the last 3 years. He could have saved up that money for his housing.
He could have contributed something.
But instead of that he lavished all the money you saved him on a hobby - at your expense.
What could you have done with that amount of money?
Looking at the lump sum, Would you give that amount away to someone without a thought, not expecting to be paid back? Would your DH? It could have gone into your pension or mortgage repayment. You need to present this to DH because I think it might prove eye-opening enough to change his view.

Don't accept arguments about how you were already living there anyway so that the cost was the same.. you have been giving up a third of your accommodation for free to another adult. Why can't you be the sensitive one, upset by the lack of privacy, by the lack of help or effort to move on, if he takes offense and flounces as you have predicted, it's disrespectful and the 3 years of help you've given him are as treated as nothing.

I completely agree that you don't want to "throw him out on the street" but he's got no incentive to make any effort to look for other options. He's now used to keeping the entirety of his salary and financing his hobby with it. That is why you should show him the cost to you of him continuing to stay and why it cannot continue.

Once you've let this sink in, you give him a list of places to start contacting.

There’s no mention of children (unless I’ve missed it). Do you have children, or plan to (presuming you’re similar age to cousin)?

Maybe you could say he needs to move out as you need his room for a nursery? Or if you have kids, they need a bedroom each, playroom, study etc ?