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Original poster

Family outstaying their welcome

98 replies

Iamnotyourmum · 22/06/2022 14:49

My DH’s cousin moved into our house as a temporary stop gap…3 years ago. He’s showing no signs of leaving even though it was supposed to be for 6 months. DH won’t ask him to leave as he has nowhere to go and blew all his money on his hobby.

On top of that DH’s cousin resents me asking him to do his share of cleaning. Apparently he doesn’t know how. He says he’ll do it, but just never does. He’s now stopped using the kitchen and buying take aways as he’s so afraid of being asked to clean up after himself. He doesn’t pay any rent/utilities so I don’t think it’s too onerous to ask him to clean, or is it?

He’s a really lovely man, but enough is enough. How the hell do I get him out of my house without a major falling out?

OP posts:
diddl · 22/06/2022 15:51

The problem is he’s quite sensitive and if we say you’ve got 6 months to find somewhere else, he might take offence and flounce off that day and be sofa surfing.

Win win imo!

Original poster
Iamnotyourmum · 22/06/2022 15:53

Cousin is 36.

OP posts:
Scianel · 22/06/2022 15:54

if we say you’ve got 6 months to find somewhere else, he might take offence and flounce off that day and be sofa surfing

I'm struggling to see how this would be a bad outcome.

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Families
mcplant · 22/06/2022 15:54

Doesn't matter if your DH is covering his share of utilities etc that money is family money that could be spent on something the family benefits

Sillystripytail · 22/06/2022 15:57

Why do you need to know he's got a sensible option? He's 36! A fully grown adult who can look after himself. Give him his notice and if he doesn't sort something out, that's HIS problem.

whatstheteamarie · 22/06/2022 15:57

If a 36 year old throws a strop due to being given a SIX MONTH(!!) additional free rental home on top of the three years that he's already had, then quite frankly he deserves to sleep on other peoples sofas for a bit.

I thought you were going to say he's a teenager 🤦🏻‍♀️

Workinghardeveryday · 22/06/2022 15:58

WHAT have I just read!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

he is living there rent free and does no housework.

he is not a nice man. A nice man would appreciate your help, housework, cooking etc.

the times he is nice is to keep you sweet. Wake up!

just tell him you don’t want him to feel pushed out or unwelcome, but you really need your own space as a couple/family. What could you do to help him, you will miss him being around the house etc.

you are being used!! Come on, big girl pants on.

if he sofa surfs because he spent all his money on a hobby (Wtaf is he 11), the that really isn’t your problem. You aren’t his mother so stop treating him like you are…..

x

NancyPickford · 22/06/2022 15:59

Three years will turn into five years, into ten years and so on, unless you act now. So what if he has to sofa-surf? So? He's 36, not 16! You and your husband really need to get a grip and stop being such pushovers. He's a lazy, entitled git.

Workinghardeveryday · 22/06/2022 16:01

so what sort of physical/mental issues does he have?

obviously there is more to it given he isn’t far off 40 and acting like an 18 year old

Siepie · 22/06/2022 16:07

Iamnotyourmum · 22/06/2022 15:47

Thanks for all the comments. I may have made it sound more simple than it is. DH and I are both fond of his cousin, we wouldn’t want to see him homeless or suffering. I just need my home back.

I need a sensible exit strategy where cousin can move on without feeling kicked out.
The problem is he’s quite sensitive and if we say you’ve got 6 months to find somewhere else, he might take offence and flounce off that day and be sofa surfing.
I would want to know he had a sensible option.

You're talking about him as if he's your child. He's a 36 year old man! If he chooses to sofa surf that's his choice as an adult!

diddl · 22/06/2022 16:08

So where was he living before with you?

Why doesn't he know how to clean?

TinaBurner432 · 22/06/2022 16:08

I'd get him to call the council straight away and tell them he's homeless so they would find him somewhere pronto.
And I'd say in the mean time you can pull your weight and at least do the fucking dishes/hoover or find someone else to leach off until you find a property. And if your husband doesn't like it tell him he piss off as well!

RockinHorseShit · 22/06/2022 16:08

Bloody hell, that's prized doormat level of tolerance Confused

Ofc YANBU & cousin is not a nice man, unless there are some SN at play, then he is definitely NOT a nice man, he's a manipulative freeloader & your DH is a weak assed uncaring prick when he doesn't see the issue & backs yiu in kicking him out.

Give him notice, it's way passed time that cousin grew the fuck up.

MyNameIsAngelicaSchuyler · 22/06/2022 16:14

36???!!!!!! 🤣😭🤣

WinterDeWinter · 22/06/2022 16:15

Let him flounce! FFS OP seriously, stop acting like a doormat! He has absolutely manipulated / taken advantage of you (and your DH to a lesser degree).

He spent his money on his hobby?! fuck that! Maybe if he'd suffered some terrible personal tragedy but on that basis he doesn't deserve a minute longer in your house. Give him 3 months as that's 'traditional' and if he does flounce now, tell him you're sad he's leaving in a huff but you're glad that the THREE YEARS of rent and bills- free living has been helpful in getting him back on his feet.

Oh my god this has given me the rage!

2bazookas · 22/06/2022 16:18

Just write a formal letter saying " You have stayed long enough and it's not working out; please leave by the end of the month. "

DH won't like not being consulted or having his POV taken into account, but so what? It 's what he and his cousin have done to you for THREE YEARS.

Lying down like a doormat encourages men to walk all over you.

Beingadiv · 22/06/2022 16:18

Does the cousin have some type of additional needs, is that why you're trying to be so delicate?

Tbh I don't see why him flouncing would be a terrible option unless he is vulnerable for some reason.

Renniesfixeverything · 22/06/2022 16:19

There is no way to get him out without any upset OP so the first thing you need to do is accept that. In practical terms it's going to be really tricky to advise without knowing all the ins and outs of his finances, employment etc but ultimately he is a grown adult and needs to sort it out himself so iim not sure you should get too involved in that side of things anyway.

What you do need to do is tell your DH this situation cannot continue and he either needs to get on board with a strategy to get his cousin to move out or you will be finding somewhere to live where you don't have to pick up after an extra adult who refuses to do his fair share.

Cousin won't go until he's pushed so your strategy needs to involve a cast iron date and steely resolve from both you and DH that he sticks to it. Refuse to be guilt tripped by either of them, it's entirely reasonable to want your home back now, you've been kind for 3 years and cousin has made no effort to leave, you've done enough Flowers

cestlavielife · 22/06/2022 16:22

One of you needs to move out.
You op?
Or cousin?
Or dh?
Who will it be?

TinaBurner432 · 22/06/2022 16:22

@WinterDeWinter same here, my blood is boiling.
Get him out OP for god sake! 🙈
No 3 months notice either, he's had long enough. Generosity is an understatement. It's time for him to sod off and tell him he's got 2 weeks. Put some pressure on

WishILivedInThrushGreen · 22/06/2022 16:25

I would not be accepting this.
You and your husband, by thinking he's sensitive and not wanting a scene are enabling him.
He knows that.

Why on Earth should he leave when he's being financed and catered for?

If you don't want a confrontation then just carry on as you are.

If my husband felt that it's not a problem as he's subsidising him then I'd be inclined to give my husband another problem...divorce papers!

LookItsMeAgain · 22/06/2022 16:26

Holy mother of GOD!!!

A 36 year old man who was supposed to say for 6 months has been freeloading for 3 years!!!

Jesus woman - find your rage!

Tell your DH that it's either the cousin moves out....or you do... and mean it!

FFS woman, find your gumption and get your space back!

TibetanTerrah · 22/06/2022 16:27

The problem is he’s quite sensitive and if we say you’ve got 6 months to find somewhere else, he might take offence and flounce off that day and be sofa surfing.

The problem is he's manipulative and if we say you've got 6 months to find somewhere else, he will take offence and flounce off that day and sofa surf while laying on the emotional blackmail poor me schtick so thick you could cut it with a knife, guilt tripping DH (and probably me too) into coming to stay again and then we're back to square one.

Is that a more accurate version of what you said OP? Wink

Let's be honest, if you were in his position living for free and not having to even pick up after yourself, would YOU go quietly?

Bananalanacake · 22/06/2022 16:30

I hope he's working, if he hasn't been paying rent and bills for 3 years he must have enough money to rent a flat.

MaisyMary77 · 22/06/2022 16:40

Think you’ll just have to tell him to move out. My DB (39) moved in with us during lockdown-it was supposed to be six months, ended up being a year and a half.I had to ask him to move out in the end; he helped very little (he considered doing his own laundry as helping out) and his personal hygiene was pretty lacking… I could smell him when I walked in the front door. He finally moved out a couple of months ago and is really glad he did. He’s now got a lovely place and is definitely far happier. And we’re still best mates-I miss him being around at times!