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Original poster

Family outstaying their welcome

98 replies

Iamnotyourmum · 22/06/2022 14:49

My DH’s cousin moved into our house as a temporary stop gap…3 years ago. He’s showing no signs of leaving even though it was supposed to be for 6 months. DH won’t ask him to leave as he has nowhere to go and blew all his money on his hobby.

On top of that DH’s cousin resents me asking him to do his share of cleaning. Apparently he doesn’t know how. He says he’ll do it, but just never does. He’s now stopped using the kitchen and buying take aways as he’s so afraid of being asked to clean up after himself. He doesn’t pay any rent/utilities so I don’t think it’s too onerous to ask him to clean, or is it?

He’s a really lovely man, but enough is enough. How the hell do I get him out of my house without a major falling out?

OP posts:
BackToTheTop · 22/06/2022 16:44

Why on Earth would he move anywhere else, he's living rent free

GreenManalishi · 22/06/2022 16:55

Give me strength. The fact that you want him to move out after three years of taking advantage of your good nature and hospitality is enough of a reason for him to move out. If he is too "sensitive" to not be able to take this request like an adult and, move out, then that's not your issue. He is a grown man and if he chooses to flounce off and go and see who else he can take the piss out of then that's between them. I'd also say that this is on your DH to handle, not you. The deal is off. You no longer want to share your home with a third party, it's absolutely reasonable for you to speak to DH and agree a date by which he will be moved on. To where is not your issue.

Pipsquiggle · 22/06/2022 17:04

FFS 36!!!!!!!

I thought you were going to say something like 22.

Look you need to get a game plan with your DH and stick to it.

Say it's been 3 years and you'd like your house back. We don't want you to be homeless so we'd like to give you 6 months notice where we will help you find a place and budget and teach you how to clean.

He sounds like a child. I mean not being able to clean at 36!!!!!!!

I am afraid you will have to be blunt as your passive inaction has done you no favours so far, hence him freeloading for 3 YEARS!!!!!!

Interested in this thread?

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Families
Pipsquiggle · 22/06/2022 17:05

Is this thread a joke?

I genuinely can't believe it

bloodyunicorns · 22/06/2022 17:12

3 fucking years????????

He's not a lovely man. He's a lazy cocklodger. I'm amazed you haven't blown a stack before now.

Give him three days to get out then change the locks. He clearly doesn't give a shit about upsetting you, so don't worry too much about him!

PerryClees · 22/06/2022 17:14

www.betterhelp.com/advice/family/how-to-stop-enabling-grown-children-and-why-its-important/

This is about parent/child relationships but you might find something relevant in there. Of course he's going to kick off and flounce, he's been living the life of Riley for the last 3 years and doesn't want that to change! But just because it's not what he wants doesn't mean it isn't long term the best option for everyone. Do you think he would actually become homeless? Does he have addiction or serious mental health issues? Healthy people don't normally end up on the streets is my understanding, at least not long term (I'm no expert though so could be wrong here).

bloodyunicorns · 22/06/2022 17:15

Also, he's not sensitive. Not to your needs or your dh's needs, anyway. He's completely selfish.

Why on earth aren't you raging with him?? He's an adult you have been finding and cleaning up after, like a giant toddler...

bloodyunicorns · 22/06/2022 17:15

*funding

PerryClees · 22/06/2022 17:15

Does he have a job?

BreadInCaptivity · 22/06/2022 17:17

Iamnotyourmum · 22/06/2022 15:47

Thanks for all the comments. I may have made it sound more simple than it is. DH and I are both fond of his cousin, we wouldn’t want to see him homeless or suffering. I just need my home back.

I need a sensible exit strategy where cousin can move on without feeling kicked out.
The problem is he’s quite sensitive and if we say you’ve got 6 months to find somewhere else, he might take offence and flounce off that day and be sofa surfing.
I would want to know he had a sensible option.

He's a grown man whose been taking the piss for 3 years.

Who cares if he flounces off?

I can't understand why you are being so meek about this.

You as for a solution and it's simple. You need to give him notice to move out.

There is no magic bullet of finding a way forward that doesn't include this step because truth is, he's got it made right where he is.

A free pad with free utilities and free housekeeping....and gets to spend all his money on his hobby....and you're "fond" of this lazy, self entitled twit?

2bazookas · 22/06/2022 17:23

The problem is he’s quite sensitive and if we say you’ve got 6 months to find somewhere else, he might take offence and flounce off that day and be sofa surfing.

Sounds like that would be the perfect solution.

WishILivedInThrushGreen · 22/06/2022 17:34

Just let him flounce!!!

MumbleAlwaysMumble · 22/06/2022 17:50

Iamnotyourmum · 22/06/2022 15:47

Thanks for all the comments. I may have made it sound more simple than it is. DH and I are both fond of his cousin, we wouldn’t want to see him homeless or suffering. I just need my home back.

I need a sensible exit strategy where cousin can move on without feeling kicked out.
The problem is he’s quite sensitive and if we say you’ve got 6 months to find somewhere else, he might take offence and flounce off that day and be sofa surfing.
I would want to know he had a sensible option.

But that would be his choice and his responsibility. Not yours.

Original poster
Iamnotyourmum · 22/06/2022 17:53

Goodness, thanks for all the replies. I am really surprised that so many people would be happy to throw a family member out without somewhere else to live. Would the posters saying this really do that in RL?

Cousin does have a job (and an excellent degree) but it’s unskilled and low paid as he’s waiting for an opportunity in the sector he really wants to work in. He does work full time, he’s not lazy.

OP posts:
GreenManalishi · 22/06/2022 18:00

.. .would the posters saying this really do that in RL?
Yes, one hundred percent. It's really not "throwing him out" is it? That might indicate bags on the drive. It's asking a fully grown man, with a job, to find himself somewhere reasonable to live independantly with a fair notice period.

Are you sure you've not grown a little bit tooooo fond of him and his manchild ways?!

GreenManalishi · 22/06/2022 18:01

Sounds like he's got an excellent degree in wrapping family members round his little finger to me!

mbosnz · 22/06/2022 18:07

OP, yes, I would. The deal was six months. It's been THREE YEARS. I'm afraid it's almost certainly going to take a degree of blunt speaking for him to shift his arse, and to realise that quite frankly, he is going to have to fund the life he wants, whether that's in his dream job, or something else. He's old enough to become acquainted with the hard facts of most people's lives being the same hard facts of his own.

LookItsMeAgain · 22/06/2022 18:10

Iamnotyourmum · 22/06/2022 17:53

Goodness, thanks for all the replies. I am really surprised that so many people would be happy to throw a family member out without somewhere else to live. Would the posters saying this really do that in RL?

Cousin does have a job (and an excellent degree) but it’s unskilled and low paid as he’s waiting for an opportunity in the sector he really wants to work in. He does work full time, he’s not lazy.

It's not your job to provide housing for the family member.

And yes, if they outstayed their welcome, there are plenty of places they could go, but they have to pay for them. Hostels, hotels etc., but the difference is that they have to pay the going rate.

Your DH's cousin is taking the piss

IncompleteSenten · 22/06/2022 18:13

"Would the posters saying this really do that in RL?"

Yes.

Well, I wouldn't boot him out one night with no warning but I would say you're taking the piss. Six months is now three years. I've had enough.
you've got X amount of time to leave or you'll find your belongings on the doorstep.

What reason does he have to move? He's got it made. If you leave it to him he'll stay until he can convince some poor woman to let him cocklodge with her.

You're getting screwed and you aren't even getting the sex.

CPL593H · 22/06/2022 18:15

If your definition of "lovely" is what everyone else would call "irresponsible, idle, freeloading chancer leech" that could be the root of the problem. He's using you and will continue to do so for as long as you let him.

TinyBearCub · 22/06/2022 18:17

Iamnotyourmum · 22/06/2022 17:53

Goodness, thanks for all the replies. I am really surprised that so many people would be happy to throw a family member out without somewhere else to live. Would the posters saying this really do that in RL?

Cousin does have a job (and an excellent degree) but it’s unskilled and low paid as he’s waiting for an opportunity in the sector he really wants to work in. He does work full time, he’s not lazy.

OP, yes, yes I would. He's done nothing to sort out his own place to live and is an adult with a job.

OnaBegonia · 22/06/2022 18:24

Of course he can be asked to move out, be an adult like everyone else.
He has a job, he has income, stop coddling a grown man.
He taking the complete piss out of you, being subsidised by your DH and refusing to help or contribute.
I don't think I've read much that as ridiculous and wet as this!

bloodyunicorns · 22/06/2022 18:28

Iamnotyourmum · 22/06/2022 17:53

Goodness, thanks for all the replies. I am really surprised that so many people would be happy to throw a family member out without somewhere else to live. Would the posters saying this really do that in RL?

Cousin does have a job (and an excellent degree) but it’s unskilled and low paid as he’s waiting for an opportunity in the sector he really wants to work in. He does work full time, he’s not lazy.

Yes. But I wouldn't have let him stay three years!!

He's a leech.

And you're a mug.

Maurepas · 22/06/2022 18:36

You say he's 36 years old - THIRTY-SIX!!. When is he going to stand on his own feet? He is not sick, mentally or physically it would seem. He is not your baby. He's a leech. Make him leave - soon as.

Beingadiv · 22/06/2022 18:41

Iamnotyourmum · 22/06/2022 17:53

Goodness, thanks for all the replies. I am really surprised that so many people would be happy to throw a family member out without somewhere else to live. Would the posters saying this really do that in RL?

Cousin does have a job (and an excellent degree) but it’s unskilled and low paid as he’s waiting for an opportunity in the sector he really wants to work in. He does work full time, he’s not lazy.

Well no. I'm sure nobody here would just merrily sling a family member out on the streets if they were desperate. However, there's a lot of space between that and giving notice to a solvent 36 year old who is educated and in employment to find alternative accommodation after 3 years of free lodgings.

If he's got work experience and a good degree then is there a reason he's in such a low paid job, even if it is an interim while he makes headway in his sector of choice? Well, a reason other than he has all his financial responsibilities covered?