What's life like after kids have left home?

[juIia]

My DC are only little but I've found myself mulling this over. So right now we're in the throws of parenting, including SEN children and so have little time for hobbies, going out in evenings, social life. Friends with children are in the same position. I often read on here about single people saying their friends who have families are often busy at the weekends as they're busy with family life (as we are). So what actually happens once the DC have moved out? How do you resume your social life once you're less tied up with your kids? Does everyone in the same boat (say if you were mum friends with people with children of similar ages) suddenly socialise at the weekends? Or do you find that you've lost many old friends and your old social life by being tied up with your own family for so long and then it's hard to get a social life back?

We live nowhere near family as most are overseas in America, Hong Kong and Spain. So we have never relied on a social life through family.

We had friends round for a BBQ last week another couple who we met through our dc who are all now in their twenties. We are seeing another couple who again we met through ante natal classes next weekend. So friendships have lasted 16 and 21 years.

What you will find is some of those friendships slip away as it was actually the children that sort of kept you together. We did used to get together with another couple and our children a lot. They lived in the next road and were a local family. They moved a few miles away, we still saw them but the boys just grew apart once they were not so geographically close. They also didn’t need friends so much as both had large locally based families.

I think what’s hard to imagine is that as the children get older, they slowly need you less. So mine are now 9 and 11 and yes, I’m with them a lot but in a very different way to when they were small and all of life revolved around them.
So hobbies slowly come back, you get more time with your DH, more time to make friends through various places (work, gym, hobbies, school etc). It’s not like it’s full on children centric and then one day they just leave. The teen years you’ll have more time to do your own thing and so your own “life” starts to get back as a priority rather than everything being about the children.

So my parents in their 70s have a more varied and full social life than me 😁

It’s absolute bliss but then they move back home.

I've never completely abandoned my pre children social life. I still make the effort to go out for drinks or dinner or weekends away with the friends i had pre children, so imagine that I will see them a bit more when my children leave home as well as get back into previous hobbies and maybe take up some new hobbies and meet new people that way.

Quiet.

That's the thing, I thought people might say that but I find it really difficult to keep these things going, at least for now... Maybe I need to try harder or I'll regret it down the line.

This makes a lot of sense! Thank you for this perspective, that's very helpful!

My mum friends became my cinema, meal out friends.

😂 This.

After they start secondary, many slowly become more indendent and want their own company or to see friends rather than time with family. You still go out for that walk, day trip or lunch without them. It feels a bit empty when they first move out, but you're totally free to go out without worrying if there's enough food in house for them, making sure they've got their key (sometimes forgotten) or what they're up to if you're out enjoying yourself. Even a holiday away doing what you want!

@juIia no worries - I used to think exactly the same when I was in the thick of full on parenting. But even now, DH and I will go for a nice stroll and leave the kids at home, and sometimes both of them will be doing something (birthday party etc) and we have a weekend afternoon to ourselves.
i do an exercise class with a group of women of similar ages and so we have had a dinner out plus we went rock climbing. I’ve also got a lovely group of women who I meet for coffee/dinner and we have a weekend away twice a year - our babies were in mothers group together and now they’re all at different schools but get on well in the holidays/follow each other on YouTube etc and I can see myself remaining friends with that lot once the children have left home as our friendship doesn’t revolve around the kids.

Yes, it's a gradual process, mine are 16 and 18 and still at home but it's more like a houseshare in that respect now, we all
come and go to suit ourselves, albeit working around each others needs for lifts etc. My "mum" friendships have sustained, we do all sorts together and sometimes driving DC pick us up from the pub now 😀. I have various hobbies too as we all do. We are an SEN family too which brings some added challenges but it has also brought friendships among parents that I wouldn't have had otherwise.

My DC are now teens and my life is gradually starting to return although I spend a lot of time on standby for lifts or emergency phone calls.l etc. I'm really enjoying just having time to myslef though, I've got a few friends that I see occasionally for coffee but I'm not missing the social life I had in my twenties. I think once I retire (a way off yet!) I'll be up for building my social life back again. The other issue is money, teens are so expensive and I'm trying to save to help them with cars, uni, house deposits etc so I just can't afford meals, girls weekends away etc. My priorities are the kids still.

I agree with Ozgirl - mine are 18 and 15, already dh and I have time and space for our own hobbies and interests. We can go out or have nights away more or less any time we like. It's a gradual process, natural and necessary for both sides I think.

We are still v good friends with a couple of groups of people that we knew before having kids-we see each other regularly both with and without kids (all different ages) and will continue seeing them as the kids are leaving home. We have just done different things together o Ed the years. We used to spend weekends clubbing, then going to the pub, then get togethers with kids for food at each other’s houses, or out for a drink or shopping/the park. Now we often go out for dinner.

If you haven’t kept up old friendships because you were too busy to see them, I would imagine it’ll be really difficult. That’s sad though-do you never go out with friends now? Never get together at the park or for a takeaway/bbq with the kids?

You can go on holiday in term time.😀

I found my children needed me just as much as teens but in different ways.
Difference is they don't need childcare or babysitters after a certain point.
They "left home" at 18 to start uni but it's a gradual process. They come back every holiday and for 3/4 months in summer. Then they graduated and came home for a year while finding a career. One came back for 6 months last year aged 24.
Life is different to pre children because we want different things. We were late having children and are both retired now . TBH we never had a "social life" in the sense of doing things with friends as a couple before so that is no different.
I have women friends who I meet up with, and we have separate interests / hobbies.

A mix of mum friends and newer friends through shared interests. Plus friends from school and university who I've known forever.

The DC and their partners are often passing through though. We provide free accommodation when work brings them in our direction.

I was wondering this last night. I was cooking our three pizzas and realised that in 10/15yrs it'll be just my pizza.

I've always viewed it as only being a parent is a big mistake. You are a mum, a daughter, a wife, a friend, you have a job, have s hobby or go to the gym, you are your own person. I never stopped being me, I went out for curry and wine, a cup of tea and a chat. Primary mums went out to the pub from time to time. Hopefully your year will do the same, post covid.

Quiet!
Tidy! (Relatively)
Fridge doesn’t empty itself overnight!

Seriously, though, for anyone dreading the empty nest, uni terms are relatively short - before you know what they’ll be back, armed with tons of dirty washing, and eating you out of house and home again.
Not to mention ‘Can I borrow a bottle of wine to take to X’s house?’
Borrow! 😂

Aw this made me smile

Thanks all, these perspectives have been very helpful! It being a gradual process makes so much sense and is reassuring to me.

I do meet up with friends and their and my children. I'm finding it hard to have enough time for just my friends and me, without the children being involved or dictating how we can spend the time. Sounds like this will naturally get easier over time though so maybe I worried needlessly!

It's fabulous. My bills literally halved, I can walk from my bedroom and bathroom naked without worrying that one of the kids, or god forbid, their friends will see me, my home will be exactly as I left it when I return from somewhere and we can have sex whenever/ wherever we like in our home.