What's life like after kids have left home?

[juIia]

My DC are only little but I've found myself mulling this over. So right now we're in the throws of parenting, including SEN children and so have little time for hobbies, going out in evenings, social life. Friends with children are in the same position. I often read on here about single people saying their friends who have families are often busy at the weekends as they're busy with family life (as we are). So what actually happens once the DC have moved out? How do you resume your social life once you're less tied up with your kids? Does everyone in the same boat (say if you were mum friends with people with children of similar ages) suddenly socialise at the weekends? Or do you find that you've lost many old friends and your old social life by being tied up with your own family for so long and then it's hard to get a social life back?

My young adult DC ended up moving back home. In the time that they were away at university or living abroad we had lodgers, so we were never without a young person in the house. Now two adult DDs are back living at home.

My three have boomeranged between home and living elsewhere over the last few years since reaching adulthood.

I think I've finally got rid of the older two, but the youngest isn't showing any signs of leaving the nest yet unfortunately... I'm joking of course! It's nice and great fun when they are around, but we do appreciate the peace and quiet (and the reduced food bills!) when they go again.

It's all good and there is nothing you need to do now, nor worry about. Ozgirl is right, and everything will gradually change for you, just like it will change for others. Through your life you will make friends for a reason, a season or a lifetime - the reasons just change. And it does get easier once the kids are older, you will start to get a bit of time back to be yourself and enjoy things that are not just child-centric. You may have completely different friends when you are older, but they are just as valued.

First thing that came into my mind too 😀

Nice and quiet plus a lot cheaper I imagine. Ds is 17 and owing to the high cost of rents plus living expenses then I have said to him he can stay until age 23 or 25. By which time I will be mid to late sixties.

Clearly if you abandon your pre-children friends for 15-20 years, they aren't going to just sit around waiting for you to pick them up again!!
But presumably you've made newer friends through your children and will socialise with them as you start to be needed less by your kids.
We don't have kids and our most dependable friends, who we met in the last few years, and who are always up for a night out, are parents to a 13 and 20 year old who now just do their own thing.

Was just going to say this.

I've made sure I've kept my hobbies that are non mum friend hobbies. We are friends for other reasons but not through our children. This has been priceless for me.

It's fucking marvellous. DH and I are loving it.

It's great to see them, and have them to stay and so on, but there is a particular pleasure in going to visit an adult offspring, eat a dinner they have cooked, sleep in a bed they made up and then drive home to tidiness and order.

DH and I have a good social life, more time for our own interests and lower bills.

Bliss until they decide to move back in! Seriously it's fine, weird at first but it's not actually sudden, there's a period whilst they live with you but are semi independent usually, you can start doing things just the 2 of you. Unfortunately both Dp's and my marriages failed in the late teen years but we then found each other, then 2 dc (one a piece) decided to move in with us!

It's absolutely brilliant. We have always kept our friendships though even if we could only meet certain friends a few times a year or with the dc etc, we go out all the time, have loads of holidays, hobbies, time for the gym, dog walking.
It's also very calm without the teenage angst or toddler meltdowns.
I loved holidays with my dc and we still go for a break every year with them but not only can we get really cheap holidays in term time but we can book adult only hotels 😀

i have teenagers and I honestly think it’s harder with older teens who can’t yet drive.

imagine this…

My DD left our local high school and now attends college 15 miles away, her friends are now more widely dispersed, geographically, but she’s not quite 17 and can’t drive. Factor in a part time job 6 miles away with early mornings/10pm pick up.

This week alone I have to take her to staff training 7-9pm Tuesday, for a social event 20 miles away on Friday night, a university open day on Saturday and train station early Sunday (with late Sunday pick up).

last week I had to pick her up from college on Tuesday lunchtime and drive her into the nearest city for a concert. DH had to go out for her at midnight to collect her and her friends, then drive them all home individually. I got home from work
work early on Wednesday to take her to work for 5.30 pm (ironically, going back to the place I’d just left), then I had 7 hours driving there and back to a uni open day on Friday. She wanted me to take her to her friends house on Saturday and I had to say no.

the Petrol is also costing a fortune.

im finding this stage very hard. Guess what I’m doing today? Driving 40
miles to look at a car to buy for her!!!

Yes, I spend a lot of time driving mine all over the place, but I like the time spent with them, my car is inexpensive to run (hybrid) and we live in a beautiful area with not too much traffic so it could be worse. I still managed to go out every night last week with either friends or family so overall I like this stage.

@Dorsetdelight211 it is admirable to want to help your children financially but you need to prioritise yourself too. When they leave home, as they will, you may be very lonely if you don’t maintain your friendships. Did your parents pay for your car and house deposit?

I’m still waiting, DS are 30 and 26 and show no signs of wanting to move out. Younger son even converted garage into a gym during lockdown, I said ok as long as when he moves out gym equipment goes too. Unfortunately for us they had a massive falling out last year and now don’t speak to each other, which makes it harder on us. One is in a semi relationship with a girl who lives a long way away, the other is single. Quite a few of my friends have sons at home still, but mostly daughters who move out first. We do like their company and the eldest pays for our holidays as we go with other family members.

It was fine, I didn't give up my life just because I had a family.
I had a full life long before DS left and now he's back.
DS, his partner and I have bought a house together to keep living costs down so we can all work part time.

Life changes gradually as you progress though, it's not like suddenly you're surplus to requirements.

As your dc get older they start doing their own thing and you get more free time, plus your idea of a social life may change. I (and most of my friends) no longer have any interest in getting high heels on and going out from 8pm - you're more likely to find us out for a few drinks on Sunday afternoon.

When the dc do leave home they tend to bounce back and forth for a while so some weekends the house is full, even when they've bought houses themselves and moved away properly.

Other responsibilities also come along to fill your time, such as sick or ageing parents. I don't think I've ever sat down and thought "I'm so bored!"

You are working full time and running around after elderly parents will less energy than you had 20 years ago, so no time for socialising.
That’s something that will get worse as people have children later in life, people live long and move around the country.
Enjoy doing things when you can, don’t wait for some mythical future when you have more time.

Or you are financially stable enough that you can work part time

Your parents , like most , don't need running around after

Why is everyone always negative round these parts

Lovely!

My social life was never much bound up with theirs.

DH misses them being at home. He was working loads. Now he has more time, but they are all miles away. And they naturally have their own lives going on.

My son hasn’t officially left home but he’s at his girlfriend’s 90% of the time. I haven’t actually seen him in 3 weeks 😢 I feel quite redundant actually and a bit low. He’s only 19 as well so it feels really young, even though I was only 20 when I left home 🤷‍♀️ I guess I just never imagined him as an adult and now the day’s here it’s a bit weird. I just remember all the days we’d snuggle up on the sofa watching films and when he used to sneak into bed with me. I don’t think I realised how precious those moments were at the time.

I do think it’s really important to keep a sense of yourself through the child rearing years and not allow them to become the only centre of your life. My old boyfriend’s mum was like this (we were 17) and she was very involved in his life, and seemed to be desperately clinging onto him and his sister. She was really nice but way more involved in his life than my mum was at that age.

I also think it’s important to encourage children to become independent as well - I moved away for uni and then did come back for 6 months when I was at law school but moved out properly at 23 once studying was finished. I have friends with older children and they can’t seem to make a single decision without texting their mum and although I guess it’s nice to be needed, I think it’s important for late teenagers to grow up and develop their own sense of independence too.

@mumsys Some people help their children financially and some don't. Those who don't either can't afford to or didn't get help from their own parents and so don't agree in principle with giving their DC a helping hand.
As to cars, if you live in a city with good public transport it's not necessary though I would argue that learning to drive is a useful life skill.
We live in a village with no public transport and so there was a period of a few years kike @Maltester71 when there is a lot of taxiing. Mine too had a part time job. Not because we needed them to for the money but because I thought it would be good for them. It involved a lot of lifts.
Hence they both learned to drive at 17. They borrowed my car until they left uni when we bought them each a car. And yes, gave money towards a house.

@Ozgirl75 You are right about varying amounts of involvement. I think it often depends how busy the parent is. Working full time and busy social life = not so much time for DC. That was my mother. She never knew or cared what was happening in my life. I hope I have the balence right. We are in touch by messages, they will ask my advice about silly domestic stuff like how to measure up for curtains, or ask me to proof read a job application. But I don't give advice or opinions unless asked.

You get used to it really quickly. We don't have a great social life, because we both work FT. I'm self employed and my job keeps me tied to the home, and DH has a non sociable shift pattern. However, this is very easy to manage when you have only 2 adults at home, and no school runs or a million other child related commitments. The house is always tidy, there's never a mountain of washing etc. We do always make sure to take holidays - adult only ones!