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Original poster

Is it ever okay to cheat on your partner?

66 replies

nonstopsally · 19/06/2022 07:40

I never have btw, but I was talking to my good female (and male) friend about this and my female friend didn't have a problem when she was doing the cheating and my male friend didn't really have much of an opinion.

Then we got into what constitutes cheating and my take on it is, pretty anything that you hide from your partner or delete from your phone.

I think cheating is very black and white, there are simply no grey areas. If you're not happy (or miserable enough to seek comfort or sexual 'excitement' from others) it's wrong. Maybe I am wrong? Perhaps I'm too 'old skool' and I'm expecting the impossible?

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Elmo230885 · 19/06/2022 07:50

I agree with you. If you are so unhappy or there is something missing then you either need to work on tour relationship with the other person or call it a day. There's no excuse for cheating.

ImustLearn2Cook · 19/06/2022 07:54

I agree with you too. Also, cheating involves dishonesty and I value honesty. I absolutely hate being lied to.

Ringmaster27 · 19/06/2022 07:54

I think what constitutes as cheating is a conversation that needs to be had between couples, because it’s not always black and white.
For me, anything I wouldn’t want my partner to see, hear or know about is cheating, because of feeling the need to hide it. But I know people who have different stipulations. One couple I know, who’ve been married the best part of 10 years, have an open marriage, where they are free to do what they want with other people as long as both parties are kept in the loop and there’s no lying about any of it.
For me, I’m too much of a jealous person for anything like that. Another woman so much as looks at my DP in more than a friendly way and it makes me seethe 🙈

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Relationship problems
sunlovingcriminal · 19/06/2022 07:55

Never an excuse.

The amount of damage that cheating can have on the wronged party can be huge- and can impact someone for life with self esteem and trust issues. Sounds like your friends have put themselves at the core of this argument and minimised the impact on the other party.

... and don't forget karma. If you cheat on someone, karma will come and get you one day. Probably when you least expect it!

itsjustnotok · 19/06/2022 07:55

I understand how people get to a stage where they are r happy anymore. I think they should be honest and end the relationship if they feel that badly. Don’t bring anyone else into the situation.

Whorules · 19/06/2022 07:57

Never ever any excuse - respect the other person and finish with them first. Having recently found my 'h' on a dating website I can tell you the hurt and anger is enormous. He has tried to blame me for pushing him towards it for the failings in our marriage. He is pathetic and i have lost all respect for him. I wish to god he had ended it first except most people want their cake and to eat it, people seem to have an ability to compartmentalise things well.

Squiff70 · 19/06/2022 08:01

No, I'd never ever cheat. I'm a firm believer in fighting for relationships (except in cases of abuse) where possible. If it's not possible, then end one relationship before starting another. I realise this may be quite a simplistic view for some, and that feelings cam develop for others when a person is already in a relationship - so often when we're not looking or least expect it.

Many years ago, I found out I was the OW and until I put many pieces of an emotional jigsaw together and saw the bigger picture, I realised the person I was with was living a double life. He already had a partner and I was just a plaything. We'd been 'together' (of sorts) for two years. I wrote to his partner and told her everything - sent loads of things which proved he'd been cheating (Valentine's cards to me, birthday cards, alsorts of stuff) as I believed at the time she had a right to know. She threatened alsorts of violence against me even though I'd been as in the dark as she had. In the end I moved well away from that area and set up a new life for myself. I have a fiancé now, a 2 year old daughter and a baby on the way. The guy and his clueless Mrs are now married (last I heard a few years ago). I couldn't care less. I pity them both.

My biggest fear is being cheated on by my fiancé. He's assured me that will never happen, but you never know. I would never cheat on him. I can honestly say I've never looked at another man in the 4+ years we've been together and if, one day down the line, the worst possible thing happens and our relationship breaks down, I still couldn't find it in me to cheat on him.

SummerPuddings · 19/06/2022 08:02

For me, I’m too much of a jealous person for anything like that. Another woman so much as looks at my DP in more than a friendly way and it makes me seethe 🙈

How exhausting! @Ringmaster27

DangerNoodles · 19/06/2022 08:02

A relative had an extremely abusive husband. Every time she made an attempt to leave he found some way of getting her back. Police didn't take her seriously. During the last few years of marriage she had an affair and he helped her to leave for good. She has an amazing life now and he is still bitter about her "betrayal". I'm glad she had an affair, as are the rest of the family.
I would rather woman had better access to other DV support rather than turning to another man, but in this instance it worked out. You never know what goes on behind closed doors.

Devotedcatslave · 19/06/2022 08:03

The only grey area I can think of is if one party has lost the capacity to be in a relationship, serious head injury, dementia or similar. I could understand and sympathise in that situation, if their partner did not want to end the relationship, but looked elsewhere for some elements of it. Otherwise no, it is always a betrayal, and the only decent thing is to end one relationship before starting another.

Pudsocks · 19/06/2022 08:05

I would never do it but it's not always that black and white.
One of my friends has been happily married for 30 years, she knows her DH is unfaithful and has had many affairs but she says it's fine because she has low libido and has no desire to sleep with him. She gets a great lifestyle (she doesn't work and he is a senior exec so she spends a lot of her time shopping and having spa days) and he adores her and treats her like a queen.
It wouldn't work for me, but it seems to work for them.

Original poster
nonstopsally · 19/06/2022 08:37

Pudsocks · 19/06/2022 08:05

I would never do it but it's not always that black and white.
One of my friends has been happily married for 30 years, she knows her DH is unfaithful and has had many affairs but she says it's fine because she has low libido and has no desire to sleep with him. She gets a great lifestyle (she doesn't work and he is a senior exec so she spends a lot of her time shopping and having spa days) and he adores her and treats her like a queen.
It wouldn't work for me, but it seems to work for them.

What people put up with for the security of a lavish lifestyle.

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 19/06/2022 09:13

I don’t especially have a strong opinion on cheating, except that I’ve no personal desire to open my life up to the kind of drama which tends to come with it. I’ve only had open relationships since about the age of 25. I’m not good at monogamy and the transparency and honesty just makes for a more peaceful life.

ComtesseDeSpair · 19/06/2022 09:15

Pudsocks · 19/06/2022 08:05

I would never do it but it's not always that black and white.
One of my friends has been happily married for 30 years, she knows her DH is unfaithful and has had many affairs but she says it's fine because she has low libido and has no desire to sleep with him. She gets a great lifestyle (she doesn't work and he is a senior exec so she spends a lot of her time shopping and having spa days) and he adores her and treats her like a queen.
It wouldn't work for me, but it seems to work for them.

Are they affairs, if she’s fine with them and acknowledges the trade off? Surely this is just more of a “don’t ask, don’t tell” style open marriage?

MushyPeasPrincess · 19/06/2022 11:15

I grew up in a culture where unless the Sacred Cock actually went into the vagina, it wasn't generally considered by most as "cheating". Even oral was dismissed as not "proper" affair. Awful.

I'm so glad that now things like emotional affairs and sexting are recognised for the damage they do.

SarahShorty · 19/06/2022 11:16

Abso-bloody-lutely not.

MushyPeasPrincess · 19/06/2022 11:18

DangerNoodles · 19/06/2022 08:02

A relative had an extremely abusive husband. Every time she made an attempt to leave he found some way of getting her back. Police didn't take her seriously. During the last few years of marriage she had an affair and he helped her to leave for good. She has an amazing life now and he is still bitter about her "betrayal". I'm glad she had an affair, as are the rest of the family.
I would rather woman had better access to other DV support rather than turning to another man, but in this instance it worked out. You never know what goes on behind closed doors.

I would agree that this is an exception. I know someone from work in similar circumstances and we were supportive of her finally leaving a dreadful situation (no kids) with the help of her OM. Her self esteem was non-existent and I honestly think she would still be there if it wasn't for him giving her an "escape route" of safety.

beeeeeeeeeeeeeeee · 19/06/2022 11:24

No there is no excuse and I don't understand how someone can be in a relationship that is so abusive they are unable to leave, but they are not scared to start an affair. Reads like a justification for cheating.

Irrationallyanxious · 19/06/2022 11:26

Other than in an abusive relationship I’d say no.

I was cheated on by my ex, having been together for 20 years. I’d have honestly been devastated but understood if he had spoken to me about how for him our relationship was over.

The cheating though was absolutely devastating for me. I felt like he had taken my past ( as well as my imagined future). I had trusted him and he’d lied to me and betrayed me. It showed me he didn’t even like to respect me to do that. On the plus side the moment I found out it was as if he was dead to me - and I could never have stayed.

i know for others though cheating isn’t so insurmountable and couples do stay together - which I can understand and also respect.

PetersRabbitt · 19/06/2022 11:28

It’s never black and white. It doesn’t make it right or wrong, but it’s never black or white.

beeeeeeeeeeeeeeee · 19/06/2022 11:33

PetersRabbitt · 19/06/2022 11:28

It’s never black and white. It doesn’t make it right or wrong, but it’s never black or white.

It is for the person being cheated on, but sure there's plenty of grey areas for the cheater to justify it with their conscience.

KnitOnePearlOneDropOne · 19/06/2022 11:34

For me, I’m too much of a jealous person for anything like that. Another woman so much as looks at my DP in more than a friendly way and it makes me seeth

Wow. Your DP must be constatly walking on eggshells.

GettingEnoughMoonshine · 19/06/2022 11:52

beeeeeeeeeeeeeeee · 19/06/2022 11:33

It is for the person being cheated on, but sure there's plenty of grey areas for the cheater to justify it with their conscience.

Show quote history

What bee said.

It's never okay. I value honesty, the deceitful people who do this I want nothing to do with. I've ended a friendship and no longer speak to BIL because they're the type of people who could do this.

Trogbog · 19/06/2022 12:05

In most situations it is not ok, but in some cases my sympathies are with the cheater, not the cheated upon because the cheated up on has behaved like such a shit to their spouse.

There are also cases where the cheater has become a carer for their spouse and I can understand the person starting to form another relationship then, its not great, but I can understand it.

Trogbog · 19/06/2022 12:06

beeeeeeeeeeeeeeee · 19/06/2022 11:24

No there is no excuse and I don't understand how someone can be in a relationship that is so abusive they are unable to leave, but they are not scared to start an affair. Reads like a justification for cheating.

I think the problem there is with your understanding.