Is it ever okay to cheat on your partner?

[nonstopsally]

I never have btw, but I was talking to my good female (and male) friend about this and my female friend didn't have a problem when she was doing the cheating and my male friend didn't really have much of an opinion.

Then we got into what constitutes cheating and my take on it is, pretty anything that you hide from your partner or delete from your phone.

I think cheating is very black and white, there are simply no grey areas. If you're not happy (or miserable enough to seek comfort or sexual 'excitement' from others) it's wrong. Maybe I am wrong? Perhaps I'm too 'old skool' and I'm expecting the impossible?

Thoughts?

I cheated once

in my defence,I was young,had just had my second child and the boyfriend was a lying,cheating,controlling,violent arsehole

i cheated on him,sporting a black eye,bald patches in my hair from where he’d ripped it out and a broken wrist

anyway the boyfriend ended up shagging (over a long time) a 14 year old and he got her pregnant (and she wasn’t the only one he shagged behind my back)

we broke up,he found out what I’d done and by god,I was the one who’d done every evil act in the world-he still believes I am the devil (and so does his mother)

he then did time trying to avoid dropping his soap in wormwood scrubs for dealing drugs-he never did do time for the young girl-it ‘couldn’t be proved’ (glossing over the baby she got dumped with)

in his head-he’s innocent and has never put a foot wrong in his life but I’m as guilty as sin (it won’t surprise anyone to know he denies that his kids are his,refused to pay child support and refuses to have a dna test-oh and he’s not seen them since his youngest was two)

do I regret it?
yes-in who I cheated with-my self esteem was on the floor
the act itself?
no,I really wish I did but it gave me the push to get out

So this is possibly potentially outing but I cheated on my husband, at the time I was severely mentally unwell and someone who should of been in a position to help took advantage of that rather then stepping in and getting the help I needed (I was assessed as having no capacity a few hours after the event) so no I don't always think it's completely black and white, but lifes not black and white, there are grey areas

@beeeeeeeeeeeeeeee its blatantly obvious to me that your understanding of abusive relationships is very shallow and definitely not based on experience. Glad for you.
but do us all a favour and stop talking about things you haven’t got the faintest idea about.

I think it's always a mix of perspectives as to why people do have affairs.

In the case of a partner having dementia or an illness that would get progressively worse, in those cases I still can't see that cheating would be appropriate, unless the sick one specifically said 'go, have sex'. If the person is still alive and it's not been spoken about, I reckon that is still 'cheating', and if you're able to fuck around while your partner is unwell/dying is heartless (the last thing I'd be thinking while the love of my life was dying is having sex with someone else).

In my relative's situation there were a couple of witnesses to the abuse, bruises etc plus of course the attempts to leave, before she got the job where she met her now DH.

People are so quick to dismiss women who have been abused, which is one of the reasons why so many feel like they don't have a way out.

My ex was physically/mentally and emotionally abusive for almost a decade. Perhaps it's just me, but the last thing I was thinking about was finding someone to cheat with.

Why would you assume others were looking@nonstopsally? These things often happen over a period of time. Why should anybody respect or feel any loyalty towards someone who abuses them?

No. If you’re not happy, leave them first.

I think its never OK but it normally does take two people to ruin a marriage.

I wonder how someone can be faithful for 20 years and then cheat? They surely can't be a serial cheater? I think bad relationships lead to low self esteem and low self esteem leads to cheating. A sexless marriage will make a person think they can't leave because nobody else will want them, and when someone shows an interest, they might take it to feel better. It isn't premeditated, they aren't thinking of leaving.

Of course, you get people who always cheat.

I don't see Cheating as bad as physical, sexual, or financial abuse. Yet, some people on the relationships board can't make ends meet, whereas their partner is living lavishly and the replies are mixed. But an otherwise good relationship is all 'LTB' when cheating is involved.

I also know friends who have cheated and I understand why because their partners are insufferable. One friend kept telling him she wanted it to be over but he would blackmail her with threats of hurting himself. That is worse than cheating imo.

I think if you've been together 20 odd years and one person cheats - you have to really think about what led to that happening.

Also a sad amount of people cheat - they can't all be terrible people! Maybe I'm an optimist.

Anyway, cheating is very bad and never OK, but nobody comes out of a relationship entirely innocent.

Cheating/affairs is something that MN tends to be very black and white about however, ime, that doesn't reflect real life.

My dad had dementia and was terminally ill and my mum (who he was still married to at the time) started a new relationship in the last few months of his life. She was honest with me about it from the start and I was so happy for her. She gave up her life to care for my dad for as long as she could and her mental and physical health were in bits as a result. Obviously she had me and her friends, but it's not the same. I loved my dad very much, but I also wanted my mum to be happy.

I also think that although in an ideal world everyone would just leave their partner if they weren't happy, so many people settle in relationships which aren't great but they think this is just what being in a long term relationship is like. It's only when they meet someone who they have more of a connection with (emotional affair or cheating as a one off) that they realise they need to end their current relationship. It is shit but it is life and I think the moral thing to do in that situation is to come clean with your partner immediately and end your relationship with them. Carrying on with someone else for months and months while you make your mind up is a different situation entirely.

I couldn't judge someone who was in an abusive relationship and cheated either. If it gives the abused person the courage and confidence to leave then it's worth it. The marriage vows would already have been broken repeatedly by the abuser anyway.

Honestly, it’s not something I can get particularly exercised about in the abstract. I think a lot of Mners have a bee in their bonnet about infidelity while tolerating stuff I see as far worse behaviour within relationships.

They don’t always look for someone to cheat with.

It could just someone who flirts with them (aka he person finds them rather than them looking for it) and it moves in from there.

Plus of course, everyone is different…

You know I’d say you need to be in that place before commenting on one being heartless to have an affair ‘whilst their partner is dying’

Looking after someone with dementia is HARD. It takes a looong time and very often people feel like they’ve said goodbye to their love one a long time before they physically die. Because they are a shell of their former self. There is nothing left if who they were. The grieving process started much before they were actually dead and that’s why people are ready to move on quickly, some times even before the actually death of the person.

I wouldn’t dare passing any judgement on someone in that position.

I'm fully aware of what it's like having someone pass away with dementia. MY partner died of dementia.

Betrayal and cheating is wrong, the clue is in the words used to describe the act.
If you are sneaking around behind the back of someone you purportedly love, how low life is that? If you are treated badly in your marriage (that covers a very broad range of possibilities) and there is no way it can be addressed then end the marriage.
My wife cheated behind my back for 10 years, her AP (a family friend)wouldn’t leave his wife because he knew he would lose half his wealth, only when his wife became terminally ill did the affair come to light.
The psychological damage inflicted on me is immense, the damage to our children and grandchildren will always be there and his wife who is slowly dying, will die with the knowledge the man she married, was at his heart dishonest, disloyal and cruel.
As the two people cheated on, what were we guilty of for causing this betrayal.
Well, in my case it was because I wasn’t romantic and affectionate enough and the AP’s wife was to dull and boring, sounds very good and justifiable reason to behave as they did.