Is it ever okay to cheat on your partner?

[nonstopsally]

I never have btw, but I was talking to my good female (and male) friend about this and my female friend didn't have a problem when she was doing the cheating and my male friend didn't really have much of an opinion.

Then we got into what constitutes cheating and my take on it is, pretty anything that you hide from your partner or delete from your phone.

I think cheating is very black and white, there are simply no grey areas. If you're not happy (or miserable enough to seek comfort or sexual 'excitement' from others) it's wrong. Maybe I am wrong? Perhaps I'm too 'old skool' and I'm expecting the impossible?

Thoughts?

I agree with this. I also don't see it as cheating if a couple agree on having an open relationship.

Well then you don't understand the complexities of abusive situations, think yourself lucky but don't dismiss those who have.

I think the problem there is with your understanding.
Perhaps you could enlighten me then ? how can someone too afraid to leave an abusive relationship start an affair, surely the repurcussions of an affair would be worse.

If a partner is so controlling and abusive how do they manage to hide an affair, presumably

Well then you don't understand the complexities of abusive situations, think yourself lucky but don't dismiss those who have.

Yes because you can always rely on a cheater to be telling the truth about their reasons for cheating can't you.

There are many iterations of an abusive relationship. There are many types of abusive men. Women can be in absolutely dire relationships that aren't criminal, but still feel abusive and have terrible impacts on the women in them. You have a one-dimensional view both of what an abusive relationship looks like what the victim is like.

Women can be in abusive relationships and still have jobs and hobbies and friends.
Women can be in abusive relationships and still be seeking happiness, and find it in an affair. Which may give them the strength to leave.
Women can be in abusive relationships and still take risks. You have to be able to deal with risk and uncertainty to leave the relationship, after all.

A friend of mine cheated in her husband. He was violent (as in she ended up in hospital a few times and lost a baby).
She had an affair with a guy from work. This was enough to convince her that she was worth more than her DH was telling her. It helped her to leave.

For me, that’s a good enough reason to have an affair.

I have cheated on a partner. I was in my mid 20s with someone I didn't love and wasn't attracted to. I know how bad that sounds and in an ideal world I'd have ended things with him but I wasn't able to. He was mentally abusive and controlling amongst other things. An ex who I had a lot of sexual chemistry with messaged me on Facebook and we met for a drink and sure enough ended up shagging. I told him about it out of guilt and he begged for me back and said he'd forgive me, but it was the end as he would constantly bring it up. We would then regularly have " breaks" and I would meet this 18 year old guy for sex, amongst others that he knew about but would still always beg for me back and I would always go back. I eventually did move on and am now married and wouldn't go back to this behaviour. I should never have been with my ex, I see that now.

There are many iterations of an abusive relationship. There are many types of abusive men. Women can be in absolutely dire relationships that aren't criminal, but still feel abusive and have terrible impacts on the women in them. You have a one-dimensional view both of what an abusive relationship looks like what the victim is like.
Women can be in abusive relationships and still have jobs and hobbies and friends.
Women can be in abusive relationships and still be seeking happiness, and find it in an affair. Which may give them the strength to leave.
Women can be in abusive relationships and still take risks. You have to be able to deal with risk and uncertainty to leave the relationship, after all.

If an individual is in an unsatisfactory relationship and there is no physical danger involved in them leaving, then you leave the relationship, you don't start an affair.

It's pretty black and white as far as I am concerned. Cheating is a shitty thing to do and any moral high ground that you had being in a 'dire relationship' goes out the window when you cheat. There is no excuse for it.

@beeeeeeeeeeeeeeee for my friend, the OW was a work colleague but he was living in another country. They met up at a seminar through work.
The chances of being caught out were negligible.

She was travelling a lot with work. So had the opportunity to meet up a few times like this. I suspect that the thrill and relief of being seen, appreciated and loved was enough that she didn’t think of the risks of being caught.
He also probably never thought she would do anything like this!! Because you know. She was ugly and stupid and no one would ever want her right??

I think if one partner is constantly turning down the other for sex, otr worse making them feel like a sex pest for asking, they have lost the right to be outraged if their partner finds sex elsewhere.

Although some PP have argued that the other partner should leave before cheating, that argument could just as well be applied to the one staying but never agreeing to 'put out'. If you don't want to be intimate with your partner, you should leave.

I agree with this. But as you say, the person isn’t really in a relationship with you anymore.

Anything else, end the relationship before starting a new one.

The only situation where I would understand cheating is if there is abuse involved, otherwise, no. I was married to an utter cunt and couldn’t bring myself to cheat despite being soul-destroyingly lonely and broken. I couldn’t let something like that weigh on me.

She was travelling a lot with work. So had the opportunity to meet up a few times like this. I suspect that the thrill and relief of being seen, appreciated and loved was enough that she didn’t think of the risks of being caught.
He also probably never thought she would do anything like this!! Because you know. She was ugly and stupid and no one would ever want her right?

Do you really think that your friend is going to be truly honest about why they cheated, most of them can't even be honest with themselves.

My lying, manipulative ex portrayed me as a abusive lunatic to his affair partner , whereas it was him that was abusive. It's more palatable to cheaters to blame the partner than to look at their own behaviour and live with the guilt.

Maybe there is a small minority of people that its excusable for, but I certainly don't take it at face value when someone starts calling an ex abusive, as a reason for cheating.

@beeeeeeeeeeeeeeee yes because I’ve known her for years, I’ve known her DH then quite well and I have seen how he behaved towards her IN COMPANY. (I don’t want to see how he was behind closed doors). Basically I have witnessed him being emotionally abusive, sexist and generally a twat towards her (and towards other women too).

Because you can’t fake bruises and a hospital stay because of that.

So yes I am very sure that he was violent and abusive.

What happened to you was crap but doesn’t mean the same story is repeating itself with everyone.

Yes that’s another situation that is really hard.

I knew a guy whose wife got seriously ill. She needed care, one of their dd has serious health issues too (leading to some physical disability).
He said that he felt stuck between choosing to have support, intimacy and a healthy sex life but feeling he was letting down everyone. And staying with his wife, keeping the family but at the same giving up on intimacy, support for himself, and basically a life.

Its never okay to cheat

I have enough self respect for myself to know I am worth a complete partner, not just part of them, so I could never be the other woman.

I have enough respect for my partner to know that they deserve a complete partner, not just part of them, so I could never cheat on them.

If I ever got to the point where I didn't love my partner, or I was falling for someone else I would consider that not not be respectful to my partners right to be with someone who was completely theirs. So I would split up with them.

However, pp have made a good point about people with partners who have Alzheimer's etc.

I think in that instance, if for example I had dementia and I was in a nursing home I would support my DH's right to have a loving, fulfilling relationship with another woman. Because he deserves the right to a complete partner, and I would no longer represent that. I'm not sure I see it as cheating per se.

I imagine those kinds of decisions are really difficult on the person without the illness, which has made me realise its probably worth letting my DH know how I feel about it and seeing how he feels, as 'giving him permission' would probably make it easier for him in that situation (I see this the same as telling him what I want to happen if I was in a long term coma etc)

... and don't forget karma. If you cheat on someone, karma will come and get you one day

This is patent bollocks.

There's no such thing as karma. People can lead completely blameless lives and have a completely shit time of it. Others can be morally bankrupt and go to their graves with a smile on their faces.

I think cheating happens for all kinds of reasons, some of which are understandable and others of which are not.

I didn't cheat despite my husband being an abusive bellend, so I can polish my halo. Either that, or the opportunity never presented itself.

@beeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
its pretty clear that your need to see things as ‘black and white’ means that there will never be a justification for you, no matter what the circumstances.
Its pretty clear to me that it’s black and white that one does not extend sympathy to an emotionally abusive man because his wife found her happy elsewhere. It’s pretty black and white to me that one thinks, ‘well you’re reaping what you sowed mate, good luck to her.’
you obviously disagree, but for me, this just underscores the lack of justification for your black and white approach. Because it forces you to reframe an abusive man as the wronged party.

Same with my friend. I was so happy for her.

if her exh had his life ruined and affected forever then so fucking be it, I hope it has been. He ruined hers for 10 years

I also don’t think anything i hide from my partner is cheating. I move my phone away from his gaze if I’m talking to my friend about something private to them, I turn it if I’m googling something fucking bizarre. I hide when I’m ordering his presents and delete the emails. I have private conversations with clients he cannot be privy to.

luckily he trusts me. Bizarre to think this means I’m being dishonest with him and he should leave the bitch, according to mumsnet!

"If you are so unhappy or there is something missing then you either need to work on tour relationship with the other person or call it a day. There's no excuse for cheating."

^
This sums it up nicely

you must be a joy to live with @Ringmaster27 😳

I can see why affairs happen when someone has lost capacity. My DH had a stroke which robbed him of pretty much everything, his speech, his movement and his capacity, it robbed him of himself and I think it was the loneliest I have ever been. Nursing him through his stroke and his terminal cancer was so hard, scary and lonely. I didn't cheat on him and I wouldn't have done but I can see why someone in a similar situation might have sought a relationship outside of their marriage and I wouldn't judge them for it.