ADHD adult committing domestic violence. Looking for therapy/retreat options beyond NHS anger management

[BrassCandlestick]

This is my DS. He's an adult with a young child, in a relationship which is breaking down because of his anger flares.
This seems like the adult manifestation of his childhood meltdowns.
He doesn't know when they are about to happen and is entirely regretful about his actions. He desperately wants to change.
He's tried hypnotherapy, NHS counselling for anger management, prescription drugs and herbal remedies.

I'm feeling that something like an immersive retreat with good leaders, people who will help him work on the reason for his anger might be a good idea.
I'm looking for an inspirational role model whose example he can follow.

I don't really know. DS's dad was violent to me and a terrible role model for parenting, DS and his partner are so young, trying to bring up a child together and it's hard for them anyway without this to deal with.

Money no object.

My first instinct would be to say they need to be seperate until he has the help. Can he come to you or her to parents. I know that's not ideal but it will be breaking the cycle for a start if he watched his Dad behave like that. Also are you sure it's his ADHD and not just some trauma he needs to process from his childhood you could be looking at it from the wrong angle and could consider something like EMDR. My DS has ASD he is 21 and yes sometimes he does find it hard to regulate his emotions. I have found with strong boundaries as I have other young children in the house he will manage his anger. He will walk away take himself off until he has cooled down. Go for a drive and tries his best to not let it escalate. Best of luck.

It’s far more likely to be him copying what he grew up with and childhood trauma than ADHD.

He is now perpetuating that cycle with his own partner and child.

Frankly id be more concerned about them.

Is he under an adhd specialist? Sounds like he needs to be seen by a psychiatrist specialising in adhd for help managing the condition. There are certainly private adhd clinics about and a specialist is well placed for targeted therapies.

I second a pp though and think anger mgt therapy isn't enough. Sounds like he needs a combination of psychotherapy/ cbt (or dbt if recommended by a therapist). Make sure you're seeking out well qualified therapists (anyone can call themselves a therapist or counsellor, so check qualifications).

Good luck, op.

CBT and DBT don’t help with domestic abusers, DBT tends to only be for people with personality disorders, even if paid for privately.

He needs to leave them immediately. It won’t be just physical abuse - that always comes much later on, after mental emotional.

Is he currently being seen by a psychiatrist for his ADHD? That's probably the first step.is he medicated?

The first course of action is to get your son away from his partner and their child. Regardless of why he behaves this way, they cannot be subjected to his violence. The damage your son could do, is doing, can't be tolerated.

Well, then he needs to see a therapist who works with domestic abusers.

But it does sound likely that he has unresolved trauma affecting him (and, no, I'm not saying its an excuse) and cbt or dbt can be very effective for dealing with this.

Point is, op, you need to be reaching out to specialists psychiatrists and therapists for targeted therapy. It won't be a quick fix and whether he's also dealing with undiagnosed trauma or not, there will be a lot of unpick.

He needs more help than herbal remedies.

Please don’t excuse his violence against his partner and by default his child by claiming it’s due to ADHD.
he has turned into his father. His partner needs to run away as far as she can.

ADHD symptoms can be mimicked by people who experienced childhood trauma. Trauma could be such things as witnessing a domestic violent relationship between their parents. This may not be ADHD at all but a lifelong result of trauma experienced as a young child.

Money no object

Give some of that money to your son's girlfriend so she can free herself if she needs financial assistance. If she's quite young, I imagine she doesn't have too many resources to get away from your son.

This, 100% op. You are probably looking for treatment for the wrong thing.

Give some of that money to your son's girlfriend so she can free herself if she needs financial assistance. If she's quite young, I imagine she doesn't have too many resources to get away from your son

This^

This, help her move away and be supportive to her and the child. Once she is safe and free start the process of therapy for your son.

Give the mother of your grandchild the financial help to get away from him and not be dependent upon child support. It'll also help her get help to mitigate that psychological damage he's doing to them.

Support the victims, not the perpetrator.

The best thing really would be for your ds to move out. He is not in the right place to be the partner and parent he should be. There really isn't a magic fix by paying for some kind of residential course. However you could pay for a private psychiatry assessment to see whether add meds could be changed or added to.

He needs to work on himself AWAY from child and partner.

If money is no object support her and maintain your relationship with your grandchild by showing you won't tolerate abuse.

Whether there is, or what the underlying reason is, needs to come secondary to ensure they are all SAFE.

At present it doesn't sound like they are.

This!!!! 10000000000%

Sorry OP but this isn't something that you can pay to be 'fixed' it takes YEARS if it can be done at all.

Please, please, please give financial support to the mother of your grandchild and focus on your relationship with them.

CBT and DBT aren’t trauma therapies. They’re also not therapies for domestic abusers.

Are you sure you’re not making excuses for him when you’re associating it with his ADHD?

I have ADHD, and have done a lot of reading and research into it, as well as having a handful of diagnosed peers, and I don’t know a single one of them with any history of violence, the bad feelings and anger is normally internally on ourselves.

Why have you got to fix this for him? His partner needs to leave with the baby, and he needs to take responsibility for himself and his behaviour.

ADHD does not cause a person to be violent. Please stop making excuses for his horrible behaviour.

Perpetrator programmes exist, contact the organisation Respect.

This. The trauma of experiencing DV himself is the reason. ADHD isn't. Once she's safe, has a place away from him, that he isn't able to access, then maybe he will seek proper help. Not you, him. He needs to want to stop, acknowledge he needs to change and find solutions. Even then she shouldn't live with him.

I work with a lot of DV. The most precious, most valuable people are the circuit breakers. Those people who draw the line in their families. All you need is one generation of people who don't accept and perpetrate the clone every and the script changes. Your GC could grow up in a safe, happy home. But ONLY if the denial stops. He is currently dangerous. He needs to be unable to hurt them.

He is not beating her because he has adhd. You are in denial. It is most likely a learnt behaviour from his own childhood trauma. I would phone women’s aid/ I think they have programmes for perpetrators of abuse, or if not can advise who does.

Your priority now should be to keep your grandchild safe from lasting harm. Being in a home with abuse is one of the worst things can happen to a child.

You need to help them separate to help him and his family. You can’t continue to support him to abuse them just because he’s trying. Can he live with you?