ADHD adult committing domestic violence. Looking for therapy/retreat options beyond NHS anger management

[BrassCandlestick]

This is my DS. He's an adult with a young child, in a relationship which is breaking down because of his anger flares.
This seems like the adult manifestation of his childhood meltdowns.
He doesn't know when they are about to happen and is entirely regretful about his actions. He desperately wants to change.
He's tried hypnotherapy, NHS counselling for anger management, prescription drugs and herbal remedies.

I'm feeling that something like an immersive retreat with good leaders, people who will help him work on the reason for his anger might be a good idea.
I'm looking for an inspirational role model whose example he can follow.

I don't really know. DS's dad was violent to me and a terrible role model for parenting, DS and his partner are so young, trying to bring up a child together and it's hard for them anyway without this to deal with.

Money no object.

I doubt a retreat will help. I know the idea of him going away and coming back "fixed" is appealing, but that simply isn't how things work.

Good quality therapy can last a while. I'd suggest cognitive analytic therapy can be good for coming to understand why you abuse others.

I agree you should support the partner and child to live separately while your ds is getting support.

The Hampton trust and similar organisations provide therapeutic courses for DV perpetrators.
Perhaps he needs go to actions that he can do when emotions are high, distress tolerance skills might help. So one example would be some intense exercise (he may find if he committed to regular intense exercise he'd manage his anger better in general). Another example would be sensory grounding this could be funking head in a sink full of cold water (see simulated diving response).
Understanding the anger is good but he needs quick easy things he can do when experiencing it that aren't hurting anyone else

So is ADHD now an excuse for DV?

No one has said that

Both cbt & dbt cab be used as part of a wider toolkit of therapies for those living with the effects of trauma.

It depends on the individual.

DBT is useful for those who experience emotions intensely, hence people with BPD as an example of a personality disorder. People with ADHD also experience emotions more intensely than neurotypical people, and struggle with impulse control (as can trauma survivors), which is why the op mentions it - it's not an excuse but it is relevant.

CBT can still help those with the self awareness of their behaviour in spite of trauma-effects - again if appropriate to the individual.

There is no 'one size fits all' treatment for those with complex issues - whether behavioural or emotional etc. Many cases will use an appropriate combination.

It's also unhelpful to paint all those who commit domestic abuse with the same brush. The reasons for it can be complex. This is not an excuse in any way, shape or form. Nor does it suggest that one type of abuser is better than the other. The op asked for ideas which might help their son change their behaviour and reactions; these therapies might do - if a qualified professional thinks they're appropriate. They're simply ideas to explore with qualified professionals and don't take away from the fact that specialist help for him is needed, not only by professionals who are experienced in dealing with trauma and adhd, but also in cases of domestic abuse.

Sorry op but your first focus needs to be your grandchild's safety. Help mother and grandchild get away from him before he severely injured or kills them.

Find a therapist that specialises in PTSD which it sounds like he has from your description.

sorry but i think if he really loves her and "feels awful" about it then he needs to leave them. he cant just make excuses for his behaviour. if he cant control it right now then he needs to leave. What if he goes that bit too far and ends up killing his gf or they're child?

Op mentioned anger flares, but I can't see any mention of violence.

It would be sensible to involve social services if they haven't already been alerted.

If you wnat to help tell her to leave him.

He's an abuser, whatever you think his excuses are.

She deserves better.

The title is literally ' son committing domestic violence'

Yes I know that, I was just listing everything he's tried. Clearly it's not enough.

For all those telling me to help her leave and live elsewhere, she already has.
I had forgotten about the MN pile-on mentality where the same knee jerk response is repeated over and over. No matter if they split and that's better for her, he remains living in this world and is still a person.

He knows he is bad and he wants to change his behaviour forever and is feeling lost. I am looking for guidance on his behalf.

Thanks for the useful ideas.

What worked for his father? Anything? Or did you realise there was nothing anybody else could do to change him, no amount of retreats or money would change his behaviour, and the only thing you could do was to escape?

Are you funding therapy for your grandchild and their mother? They need it most of all, as early support is vital in reducing the impact of Adverse Childhood Experiences and reducing the likelihood that she will unwittingly enter into subsequent abusive relationships or take him back. Is money no object for her - or is she bringing the child up in poverty and low quality accommodation?

Are your grandchild and their mother truly safe - or just not under the same roof as their abuser right now?

Are you being supportive to them and not trying to excuse your son's abuse or in any way influence the likelihood of her taking him back?

There's nothing wrong with funding proper therapy and treatment for your son's diagnosed condition. But first and foremost, the emotional and physical/practical needs and safety of your grandchild and their mother - and sometimes, even with therapy, medication and all the love/support/money in the world, the truth can be that abusers like abusing. Even when they say they hate themselves. Especially when they say they're bad and want to change; it's a way of ensuring that they're excused responsibility and get to keep a nice life, home, food, clothing and support/love.

Well said!

You love your Son that's a given. So do I and when they are ND it's so hard to seperate what behaviours come from the difficulties that entails. I have spent half my life thinking is that part of him his ASD or is that something I can help him not be like. For example his anxiety around situations most NT people wouldn't struggle with. But this isnt anxiety or mental health related its anger and potential DV. I am glad to hear she has left good on her it's the best thing possible for all concerned and has obviously given him the kick he needs to address it. I am proud of her. No one is beyond help and everyone can change. Who knows if your Son will salvage this particular relationship but what he does now will shape his life. I think what everyone has tried to say in maybe too blunt a way. Is this is probably his early trauma not his ADHD that just adds an extra element of difference. Go at it from the angle of trauma resolution and once you are sure he has worked through that then consider if he is medicated correctly and receiving the correct support for his ADHD.

I don't think this is related to the ADHD.

I suggest the organization Alternatives to Violence.

@BrassCandlestick very well done for trying to help, but your DS needs to want to sort this out himself, and make it happen.

Womens Aid should be able to tell him where Perpetrator courses are running, or his GP.

I don’t know your son but I’m what @MrsTerryPratchett (thank you ) calls a circuit-breaker and it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, leaving my husband - even though somehow I still loved him - to protect me and our child against his “anger flares”.

except I’ve come to understand - through the Freedom Programme and Lundy Bancroft books - that none of what was happening is about anger, it was abuse. I don’t know where he learned it because he won’t admit it, but as your son saw his father treating you badly, I think that’s your answer.

For years he tried to reason it away through him being depressed or stressed and I wondered could neurodiversity be an issue ( he is on the spectrum) but they were all excuses.

so I had to leave to try and stop
my son turning into his father. It has taken every ounce of strength I have and his family have cut me dead.

push your son to get Perpetrators help - that is the only option, make him take responsibility for his behaviour, and thank you for being a good mum to him and to your DIL and grandchild. I wish my MIL was as caring.

Ok OP, firstly I wanted to acknowledge the care that you clearly have for your family to seek help on this one. My first thought was that when my mental health was at rock bottom I had sustained fantasies about going on a retreat, far, far away, to fix myself and come back a better person. They were fantasies. In the end reality meant that I stayed where I was and had weekly therapy and some medication. I slowly, slowly picked apart where I had got to and slowly, slowly made changes in my life and started to accept myself and began to be a more cohesive adult. It is hard, messy, scrappy and individual work. He has to commit to it, for himself, not you. For me, the end result has been I am more grounded in reality, I have less desire to escape to a fantasy world. My therapist is blunt and direct and compassionate. She turns up every week and we get on with it. I wonder if your son is ready for that yet though. I can't read from your post if you chose to stay with your abusive partner and therefore you son experienced this growing up? It may be that you need to walk away from your abusive son, at least for a while, because he must learn to take the reigns of his own life. This will be his opportunity for change. He can't do it with his Mum guiding him. I understand as a Mum that this is probably not what you want to hear, I really would recommend some space and let him sort it out for himself. I also agree that if money is not an issue, then please support your daughter in law and grandchild.

Traumatic Incident Reduction. www.tira.org
I'm really sorry I can't help, ai'm not working right now.
Be aware though that many abusers choose to be that way and enjoy the power. It might have been a mistake initially but they enjoy it.

Non violent communication known as NVC is taught all over the uk and is great for learning practical effective means of non violent communication.

ADHD effects persons ability to regulate their emotions and impulsivity so it could be making situation worse, but a root cause more likely trauma of witnessing an abusive relationship as a child. Does he take meds for the ADHD and is he possibly self-medicating on other substances?

He likely needs range of things ADHD review and therapy for past trauma along with learning what healthy relationships to go with strategies to change thought/ behaviour patterns.

I'm glad to hear mother & child are safely away from his abuse and hopefully can avoid a repeat with the next generation.

@123Squirrel "ADHD effects persons ability to regulate their emotions and impulsivity so it could be making situation worse, but a root cause more likely trauma of witnessing an abusive relationship as a child. Does he take meds for the ADHD and is he possibly self-medicating on other substances?"

Thanks for recognising the part that ADHD plays in this, that's exactly what's happening. He has been on and off prescription meds but he is very straight in terms of other substances, he is very averse to recreational drugs and he drinks only when out socially with friends.

Thanks. I appreciate your outline of how you healed, it's useful.
I've no wish to get involved and don't see myself as guiding him, but can throw some money at getting him good therapy/counselling.
He has hit rock bottom and asked for advice, so I said I'd do the research and here I am.