ADHD adult committing domestic violence. Looking for therapy/retreat options beyond NHS anger management

[BrassCandlestick]

This is my DS. He's an adult with a young child, in a relationship which is breaking down because of his anger flares.
This seems like the adult manifestation of his childhood meltdowns.
He doesn't know when they are about to happen and is entirely regretful about his actions. He desperately wants to change.
He's tried hypnotherapy, NHS counselling for anger management, prescription drugs and herbal remedies.

I'm feeling that something like an immersive retreat with good leaders, people who will help him work on the reason for his anger might be a good idea.
I'm looking for an inspirational role model whose example he can follow.

I don't really know. DS's dad was violent to me and a terrible role model for parenting, DS and his partner are so young, trying to bring up a child together and it's hard for them anyway without this to deal with.

Money no object.

There’s some atrocious ignorance here. Adhd can cause emotional intensity, impulsiveness and often RSD, which can absolutely contribute to anger outbursts. I used to smash plates and get into fights as a teenager.

it’s not an excuse and no one is saying anyone has to put up with this behaviour, but “it’s not adhd he’s just an arsehole” type comments are unhelpful and inaccurate.

OP DBT is very helpful for me personally. I hated CBT with a passion. DBT skills help immensely when I feel overwhelmed from a sensory perspective or other big emotion. I have adhd myself and it’s the only “therapy” I’ve found useful.

There is a domestic abusers perpetrator program that is run in Birmingham and London.

www.richmondfellowship.org.uk/services/mytime-domestic-violence-perpetrator-programme/

The courses are very good

There’s some atrocious ignorance here.

I think having ADHD myself, raising a DD with ADHD and working with very many DV situations makes me not ignorant.

There may be antecedents and precipitating events. Trauma is definitely a factor. But pretending that ADHD causes DV is bollocks. Male violence causes male violence, which is exactly what is happening here.

@MrsTerryPratchett no one has said that ADHD causes male violence.

The implication is there.

I hope he is also doing ‘research’ himself? If it was as simple as throwing money at it there would be no domestic abuse. He needs to commit to long term therapy and not be in a relationship until he can be sure this is resolved. He need to take complete responsibility. Does he have “anger flares” at work or are they reserved for his wife and child?

No, it isn't.

What is there is an acknowledgement that certain ADHD traits may make nasty impulses harder for an individual to control. It's not an excuse and it's not a cause.

I score very highly with ADHD btw so I do know the impact of the condition and I would never consider it as a reason or excuse for bad - or criminal - behaviour, in myself or anyone else.

Did you know that an astonishingly high percentage of male prison inmates have ADHD? The correlation between the condition and illegal behaviour is indisputably there.

Or, just to be controversial, maybe some violent prisoners are very adept at knowing what the symptoms of ADHD are, then using that information to manipulate a psychiatrist into doling out a diagnosis with associated meds to treat them.
As long as there are conditions that can only be diagnosed by tick list screening as opposed to blood tests, x rays, scans or other definitive biological tests there will be people who abuse that system for their own personal reasons.

I'm not pretending that AHDH causes DV. But if I hadn't mentioned it in the OP I would be dripfeeding.

Does he have a job? Does he have anger outbursts in his job? I know someone who used to have frequent anger outbursts but it did get better after leaving the home and working to support himself.

That’s not to say he shouldn’t have additional help (and it is great that OP is finding out different options) - just that in addition, a stable working pattern where he faces the consequence of his anger outbursts (eg loses job) can help (only know of one example - but it’s just a thought).

I’m hardly ignorant when I have ADHD myself and am raising three children with it!

Don’t attempt to hide the DV with the ADHD. All that does is give men yet another fucken smoke screen to hide behind.

He is an abuser, who also has ADHD.