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Original poster

Was I wrong to tell this lie?

78 replies

Towellingtub399 · 15/06/2022 15:44

DS is 13, he was invited after school to go to a hang out spot by the river (more of a stream this time of year) with his friend and his friends' friends (who he only knows vaguely). I had a text off him after school saying 'say no' followed by a phone call 10 mins later asking if he could go. Obviously he didn't want to go but didn't want to say that directly to his mate. So when he phoned I said sorry, no you've got the dentist (a lie).

Was I wrong to do this? Am I setting a bad example? I dont want him to go somewhere he's not comfortable and it's very difficult to just say no sometimes but I also don't like lying!

OP posts:
11Hawkins · 15/06/2022 15:45

No. You're thinking about it to much.

PutOnAHappyFace · 15/06/2022 15:45

I honestly don't know if it's bad but I would of done the same as you did.

LadyCampanulaTottington · 15/06/2022 15:46

No you weren’t. Your son knows you’ll be there for him when he needs it. Sometimes a lie is needed, any other advice is naive.

I’d lie through my teeth for DD provided it wasn’t illegal or immoral 😂

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NiceTwin · 15/06/2022 15:46

Not wrong at all.
I have done similar for both my dd's in the past.

Sistanotcista · 15/06/2022 15:47

It’s clear you’re uncomfortable lying, which means you are a decent person with integrity. Whilst we all try not to lie (except Boris Johnson) “white lies” are occasionally acceptable in my view. Especially when it comes to the safety of your child.

Hadalifeonce · 15/06/2022 15:48

Perfectly reasonable to help him out if he didn't want to go, but not to lose face doing so.
Although I would have gone with not today rather than the dentist.
Hopefully as he gets older he will be OK to say no for himself.

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 15/06/2022 15:48

I’d usually say “there’s never a valid reason to lie”… but I think you’ve just found it! You did the right thing.

Original poster
Towellingtub399 · 15/06/2022 15:50

OK that's good to hear! Parenting teens is really difficult! I don't want him to grow up thinking it's fine to lie but I also don't want him to end up somewhere he doesn't want to be with people he doesn't want to be with! I should add that I'm pretty sure these are nice kids, he just finds it difficult when he doesn't really know people.

OP posts:
HarvestFly · 15/06/2022 15:50

No you were not wrong.
You were teaching your son that if we're invited to go to something we don't want to, we don't have to go.
Most people just make up an excuse, it's not really a lie,

Georgeskitchen · 15/06/2022 15:51

Your son obviously didn't want to go but didn't want to feel embarrassed on front of his mates. You gave him a get out clause without him losing face. I would do the same

Colourfield · 15/06/2022 15:53

No you’re absolutely not wrong.

I told my daughters that they could blame me for anything, if they ever felt uncomfortable or didn’t want to do anything. I’m not strict but I was happy to be seen that way.

My oldest had the same group of friends all through school so I had no concerns there, but my youngest wasn’t the best judge of people when she was younger, and I was often called on to say no to things.

Shes 21 now and lives independently. I’m pleased to say she isn’t afraid to stick up for herself or make her own decisions now, so it hadn’t had an adverse effect.

Sometimes it’s really hard for them to say no to things when they’re young.

ConfusedByDesign · 15/06/2022 15:54

I think it's fine. You just need to help your ds to have confidence to say no himself.

Original poster
Towellingtub399 · 15/06/2022 15:55

HarvestFly I like that, 'excuse' sounds much better than a 'lie' 😄

I'm going to encourage him to mix more out of his own little social circle, I think it'll do him good but today took him by surprise. I think next time he might be better going but with a get out plan ready in case he doesn't like it. I've got a feeling he'd actually really enjoy himself if he gave it a go.

Just need to think of a way for him to exit if he wants to.

OP posts:
KarrotKake · 15/06/2022 15:55

I've told the kids they can always use mean Mummy to get out of stuff. You did the right thing (although you perhaps didn't need the bit about the dentist - "no, you need to come home straight from school" should be OK too.)

Triffid1 · 15/06/2022 15:56

Isn't this just a second degree version of a white lie that we occasionally tell to avoid hurting other people's feelings?

I think this was perfectly reasonable.

washingwakeup · 15/06/2022 15:59

He needed you to get him out of what was a difficult situation for him, without hurting anyone or embarrassing himself. You did the right thing and he knows he can trust you to help him when he can't quite figure this kind of thing out.

multivac · 15/06/2022 16:00

I'm too busy being impressed at your son's solution to a tricky social problem to worry about the 'lie'; I think it was a really clever move on his part - and also a sign of the trusting relationship between you that he knew you would understand his intent and act on it. Nothing to be worried about there, I'd say!

Misty84 · 15/06/2022 16:04

You supported your son which I think is really nice, he knows he can count on you to help him out when needed. 🙂

TheSparkling · 15/06/2022 16:04

You sound like a great parent OP and I completely agree (and have done this myself) that sometimes a lie is necessary.
I've got four teens and parenting is a constant challenge!

Original poster
Towellingtub399 · 15/06/2022 16:07

multivac thankyou, that's really kind of you to say.

Any suggestions for a 'get out' excuse if he goes next time but doesn't like it. He could text me again and then I could ring him. I cant think of a reason why I'd need him home urgently though!

OP posts:
Sunnytwobridges · 15/06/2022 16:12

I do this ALL the time for myself lol but if my dd didn't want to participate in something i would do it for her too. no harm done.

HarvestFly · 15/06/2022 16:14

He can text you and you can phone him and say you're heading out shortly and need him home otherwise he'll be locked out as he's no key?
Or it's a relatives birthday and you want him to pop round with you to say happy birthday?
The dog needs walked? If you have a dog obviously Grin

amylou8 · 15/06/2022 16:14

My daughter used to do this all the time when she was a teen. She'd FB message me saying say no, then text me and ask something. Maybe my morals are a bit questionable because it never occurred to me not to 🤣🤣

CormoranStrike · 15/06/2022 16:16

I always told my teens they could use me as their “out” whenever required and I would back them.

they could paint me as the harridan terror who refused to let them live a life if they wanted, I would happily go along with a lie of it gave them a safe excuse out of whatever situation made them feel bad, until they developed the social maturity and verbal dexterity to sort things themselves

PainterInPeril · 15/06/2022 16:16

You could always say you need him to come home to help out with the housework. And actually get him to do it too. Win-win!😁

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