Was I wrong to tell this lie?

[Towellingtub399]

DS is 13, he was invited after school to go to a hang out spot by the river (more of a stream this time of year) with his friend and his friends' friends (who he only knows vaguely). I had a text off him after school saying 'say no' followed by a phone call 10 mins later asking if he could go. Obviously he didn't want to go but didn't want to say that directly to his mate. So when he phoned I said sorry, no you've got the dentist (a lie).

Was I wrong to do this? Am I setting a bad example? I dont want him to go somewhere he's not comfortable and it's very difficult to just say no sometimes but I also don't like lying!

Your son needs to learn to say no himself

I always told my kids to say they had a migraine when they wanted to get out of visiting a friend especially if they wanted to leave early. I don't usually lie but kids are often in a position when they don't have the power to do what they want.

My kids are all adults and are all very honest so I don't think it's done them any harm.

You don't need to. I told me girls just to call and say "pretty please". I would know to say no. You don't need an excuse, your role is to be the boring parent.

I’ve made it clear my dc can use me as an excuse - my mum went let me type excuse

I do this all the time for my teens. Sometimes I make up an excuse, other times I just say no, and they're welcome to moan to their friends about how mean I am!

I have used "dental check-up" before. They get home. I look in their mouth....voila...dental check up. No lying.

That's just not true.
He's a child and he's learning.
When he's an adult he can do it himself.

My mum used to do similar with me so that I could save face.

I taught my lads to say ' nah, its not for me today, I'll catch up with you later, see ya.' Or similar. They were told they would always get peer pressure and as they got older sometimes it may become serious. .I thought it was better for them to learn and feel comfortable with these strategies when they were younger ( your lad's age OP) rather than they were later into their teens and they were with someone who had a bad idea and wanted everyone to get involved.

I told him that I would bet my house in that situation someone else wouldn't want to get involved but felt pressure to do so. It only takes one to walk away and others will to.

In your shoes today, I would have done the same.

You did right and fair play to your son for not doing something he doesn't want to do. You taught him well.

Some things never change!!!!Many years ago I had a Saturday job. Other Saturday girl was always asking me to go out with her in the evening(friends only)My parents would come in to the shop and she would ask them if it was OK for me to go(I was 15) I would be standing behind her shaking my head to make sure mum and dad said no. I did not have confidence to decline on my own behalf. Sadly I still have difficulty in saying no to any invitation without making up an excuse.

You didn't need to lie - could just have said no, sorry, we've got something planned as a family. (That something is just spending time NOT doing what was offered 😉😉, but they don't need to know that).

No point telling a more elaborate story. Let your "no" be no. You don't need to go into details.

Good line, @notacooldad ,I'll suggest that to my kids.

This, 100%. I’ve already summoned my daughter back from the park (she’s 12) as she’d texted me asking if I could. I had told her that I would be her get out clause if she was ever uncomfortable. That way they save face.

No, I will always lie to get my DC out of situations they don't want to be in.

It sets the precedent that if I'm uncomfortable, my parents will helpme out of this situation.

You were right to do this.

In some situations it is correct to lie. If a person looks like they might assault me, I might tell any number of lies.

It is wrong to lie to gain unfair advantage, to get one over on someone, to cover up a crime, to deceive the electorate (looking at you, Johnson) etc etc. But it is childish to say that lying is always wrong.

My mum used to do this for me. It’s a really good way of helping your child to avoid being pressured by peers into something they don’t want to do/don’t feel comfortable doing.

God no, that's absolutely fine.

Both my teens get a mental health day each school year, where I ring the school and say they're unwell and they just have a day to themselves at home.

Your son sounds really smart, well done to him not falling for peer pressure.
yip you are a great mum, no issues re supporting his approach.

You did the right thing op

That’s not a lie, that’s helping your son extricate himself from an awkward situation.

I have told mine from age 11 that “f you ever need a reason not to do something people are pressuring you to do, I can be the bad guy.”

”No, you can’t go to Xxx. Sorry, you can’t Xyx because I need your help with the dog. Tough luck, babe, you’ve got chores etc etc”

One of our jobs as a parent is to protect our kids. This is one way.

He sounds really switched on and actually I think it's great he can trust I'm his own instincts and trust you to support them.

You both did the right thing. I'm a grown woman and still occasionally tell little lies to get out of stuff, it's a very human thing to do. Op you were supportive and had his back in this small situation and things like this help him know to come to you with big problems if he needs to. It was a 'good lie'.

Not at all - the peer pressure on teens is massive, and there might have been a specific reason he didn't want to go eg bullying.

It shows him you have his back.

You absolutely did the right thing. You've shown him that you've got his back and trust his judgement.

I've told DC to always blame me if they don't want to do something but can't find the words to say that. Happy to be seen as a mean parent than have DC pressured into situations they're not comfortable with.

I wouldn't class that as a lie, just doing the right thing for your kid. I do it all the time for my dd11.