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Original poster

Was I wrong to tell this lie?

78 replies

Towellingtub399 · 15/06/2022 15:44

DS is 13, he was invited after school to go to a hang out spot by the river (more of a stream this time of year) with his friend and his friends' friends (who he only knows vaguely). I had a text off him after school saying 'say no' followed by a phone call 10 mins later asking if he could go. Obviously he didn't want to go but didn't want to say that directly to his mate. So when he phoned I said sorry, no you've got the dentist (a lie).

Was I wrong to do this? Am I setting a bad example? I dont want him to go somewhere he's not comfortable and it's very difficult to just say no sometimes but I also don't like lying!

OP posts:
RichardOsmansXraySpecs · 15/06/2022 16:21

Now would be a good time to set up a code word OP.
If your DS ever finds himself in a difficult situation with his mates/peers he texts you the agreed word/sentence, something like 'I need data', and you ring him telling him he has to come home for a made up reason. Saves him losing face with his friends and could really help him out of a tricky situation.

Iliketeaagain · 15/06/2022 16:26

Not wrong. Like other PPs, dd knows that she can say that I said she's not allowed to do something if she doesn't want to / wants a get out. For now, at 12, that's working - means they have an easy way out if they don't want to do something with friends without having to justify themselves.

She also knows that if she's ever in trouble, she can text or ring and I'll collect her from wherever. We would talk about it later, but she'd never be in trouble for asking for help if she was in too deep and needed one of us to get her out of a situation she felt unsafe in.

Snoken · 15/06/2022 16:27

I have done this for my kids too. Especially the oldest one. I also have told them that if they text me X I will always come and pick them up and I will ask no questions, I will just call and ask where they are and that I need them to come home so I will pick them up. It can be used if they are in an uncomfortable situation and they can't or don't want to explain it (like I have tried drugs for the first time and feel weird, there is a creepy man there and feel unsafe etc, my friends are trying to convince me of doing something I don't want to do etc), they have yet to use that one.

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Calmmedownn · 15/06/2022 16:31

I used to get my mum to text me saying no about things then I’d screenshot it and send the my friends 🤣

NoSquirrels · 15/06/2022 16:32

I think it’s a version of the on a first date and hating it check-in call from a mate - encourage him to go, but say you’re going to text him/call him at 4pm (or whatever) & if he needs to leave you’ll be the excuse.

IvorCutler · 15/06/2022 16:41

You sound like a good mum to me.

Seraphinesupport · 15/06/2022 16:45

Tell him if he's embarrassed then the easiest way to get out of things is to play it cool. a simple laugh and "nah i got better things to do, cant be bothered" Or " maybe another time im busy"
If they push just repeat and scuttle off before they can argue more.

DickeryDock · 15/06/2022 16:45

My son started doing this when talking online to his mates while gaming…he would turn to me and say “mum do I need to come off now?” it was out of nowhere and I realised he just wanted to get off without hassle so I said “yes please say bye to your friends now” He would say “sorry guys I’ve got to go” Then he ran out to play Footie in garden. Sometimes they just need a way out of situations. Don’t overthink it.

picklemewalnuts · 15/06/2022 16:52

It's handy to have some less specific, perfectly true statements for such situations.
'I need you to come home now',
'Not tonight, there are things to do'

Etc etc. saves the shame of lying.

PetersRabbitt · 15/06/2022 16:55

Not wrong at all, it’s great your son knows you have got his back

Hoppinggreen · 15/06/2022 16:56

Me and DD have a code for when she is with her friends
If she asks me how the dog is I am supposed to message/phone whatever and tell her she has to come home or that she isn’t allowed to do what she is doing.
She has never had to use it but she suffers from anxiety and finds it very difficult to extricate herself from a situation she isn’t comfortable with so knowing she has back up gives her confidence to try things
I have no issue with lying for her if necessary

totallyoutnumbered · 15/06/2022 16:56

I did the same for my teen the other day. Glad he felt I'd have his back and glad he knew where his boundaries were too x

AssignedSlytherinAtBirth · 15/06/2022 16:59

I agree with saying something like "Not today" (with "I need you at home" to enforce it, if necessary), but not to the extent of making up the lie about the dentist.

Tinkerhelx · 15/06/2022 17:00

I've done this for my daughter.

I don't see it as teaching her it's acceptable to lie, I see it as teaching her that her mum has her back.

A more important lesson, I think.

Ponderingwindow · 15/06/2022 17:06

There is nothing wrong with pretending to be the heavy to help your kids out of a difficult social situation. If your child tells you they need help extricating themselves, they are doing the right thing. It likely means something is going to happen there that makes them uncomfortable. They may be avoiding drugs, alcohol, sexual pressure, or minor criminal behavior. If we want our kids to be good kids, this is one way to help them do that.

ditalini · 15/06/2022 17:06

Not wrong. It's pretty much the best thing about mobile phones that we can help our teens extricate themselves from situations that they would rather not be in with no drama.

Ponderingwindow · 15/06/2022 17:07

Oh and if you don’t want to lie, don’t lie. Just say no, I want you home today because I’m the big bad mom and I said so.

ElenaSt · 15/06/2022 17:07

In your circumstances you did the right thing.

However I would use the experience to discuss with him how to assert himself in different kinds of situations.

Renniesfixeverything · 15/06/2022 17:09

I think there are instances where it's fine to lie and teaching your DC to extricate themselves tactfully from situations they don't feel comfortable in is an important life skill. Absolutely no one was hurt in the telling of this lie and there could have been any number of excellent reasons your son didn't feel comfortable going, including concerns for his own safety and not wanting to be involved in something wrong/illegal, so I wouldn't waste a second worrying about giving him a get-out.

balalake · 15/06/2022 17:09

I think you should talk to him and say that what you did should be an exception and try to give him the means and ability to say no.

Branster · 15/06/2022 17:12

You did well OP.
In fact, in our house we have a code, if DCs call and say the code I know that means they want/need to get out of a situation.
So I lie accordingly, to get them away from whatever it is they don't want to do.
For all you know, these other boys may not be very nice and your DS is not comfortable in their company.

ldontWanna · 15/06/2022 17:16

I've always encouraged DD to use me as a reason/scapegoat and I always have her back. It got her out of uncomfortable situations or conversations and I hope this continues long into her teenage years. If she's not strong enough to say no(we're working on it) she needs a plan B. I don't see it as lying, I see it as protecting my DD and giving her options. Even if it is lying, she still comes first.

Mabelface · 15/06/2022 17:16

My 29 year old lad has gone on a date this evening, and we still use me as a get out if needed. Have done this over the years for all my kids. They save face and are most grateful.

MumbleAlwaysMumble · 15/06/2022 17:17

Saying something to get out of a potentially tricky situation (or one that makes you uncomfortable etc…) is not lying. It’s protecting yourself.

You did well @Towellingtub399

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 15/06/2022 17:18

No you weren't wrong, but you're his mother, you don't have to give a reason. Just say no, you can't do that today.