I'm ugly, not miserable!

[GrumpynotGrumpy]

One of my managers is really starting to genuinely upset me with the comments about my face and telling me how I feel.
"Come on smile!" "What's up with you" "You always look so grumpy" are a daily occurrence and tbh it's starting to get me down because I'm mostly absolutely fine, but well, I'm no oil painting and I think that's the issue, unless I'm actually smiling then I look miserable and I think he's kind of got a 'thing' about it now so looks for my expression and unless I'm actively smiling then it's all 'You're so miserable' I might be cleaning, emptying a bin, just about anything and I'll get told how I feel when 9/10 I'm fine, it's just my face isn't really that attractive and quite heavy, and I do think that I'd look even worse if I were to manically smile all the time, and it would be impossible to keep up, no one smiles 24/7.

I work in a customer facing role and so I get it about impressions and I actively smile and say hello when someone approaches my work area as I'm aware of my face, and sometimes I am caught unawares and someone approaches and I guess they see my resting face before I smile, but I do smile, make eye contact, engage with the customers, and I'd like to think that most people would realise when I smile, and am pleasant and friendly that actually I'm not miserable, just a bit ugly!

Ironically it's starting to make me feel miserable that I'm constantly being accused of being miserable when I'm not! And I'm now worrying about it because there's not an awful lot I can do about my face being like that and my manager really seems to have a bee in his bonnet about it.

I feel like I'm being accused of something that's not actually an issue, I'm not grumpy with colleagues or customers, I'm just a bit ugly and have a face that just looks the way it does unless it's animated. I feel like I'm being punished for being a bit ugly tbh and it's not about me changing my outlook or attitude because the way my face is isn't based on that, I can be speaking on the phone, looking at the screen or as I said emptying the bin and because I'm not actively smiling while doing it he's there telling me how I feel, and he's wrong most of the time!

Of course now I start getting tense and worried about it and that's not helping matters either!

Has anyone else experienced this and how did you combat it? I probably try harder to be upbeat and positive than most of my colleagues because of these comments but it doesn't seem to matter, unless I'm grinning like a Cheshire cat constantly (which would be weird in itself wouldn't it?!) then according to him I'm miserable and that's all there is to it, no matter how I actually feel and behave.

I'd switch the focus, every time as in saying "I'm fine, are YOU ok? Because actually youve been looking quite miserable yourself, how are YOU?"

And then bring it up in a chat or supervision to say whilst you understand that it's coming from a place of empathy it's not really helpful at this time so he needs to stop.

I will try that, thing is I don't think it's coming from a place of empathy, there's a bit of an accusatory tone, like I'm not very good at customer service because I'm miserable - even though I'm not and am pleasant, polite and engaged with customers and that's brushed aside when I mention it with something like "Huh, if they dare approach you in the first place!"
I've asked other staff about it and they were a bit confused and say I'm really good with customers, especially awkward ones and they'd never heard me be rude or grumpy with a customer.
He just seems to have this thing about my face!

Tell your manager how tired they look, over and over again.

He's a pain in the arse. 'Cheer up, love' is this relic of sexism that just won't die.

Surely he'd have heard all about it if you weren't delivering a high standard of customer service. Is it a small company, or is there a HR department or another manager that you could raise this with? It sounds like low-level bullying to me.

I can smile 247 for 50.00 an hour otherwise you will get my very limited budget version and smile broady Joke about it every single time until said manager shuffles off and starts moaning at other staff for enjoying themselves and smiling too much!

On a serious note, do you look morose? Maybe switch to something less customer facing as an option? Some people find customer service an absolute drain.

It sounds slightly like a bullying thing to do too, keep an eye on it.

Thank you.

Surely he'd have heard all about it if you weren't delivering a high standard of customer service.

This is exactly my point and I have raised it with him and asked if he's got complaints from customers and he says not, but in the next breath about how miserable I look and when I say I'm fine 'Tell your face then!' chortle chortle.

It does feel a bit like bullying tbh and I might be overreacting but I'm worried about my job, I feel like I'm being pushed out because I'm not pretty enough with this being miserable thing the excuse. The rest of the team are younger, and at least I think they're all pretty stunning! I am clean and tidy, wear a bit of make up but I'll never be glamorous or anything.

Small business with a manager, the owners are involved and we can go to them with issues with the manager (an ex colleague did, but it was more a situation of the manager trying to give a warning for something the person had definitely done and the person feeling aggrieved) no HR department and the manager/owners are very close.

Agree with the others, reply with ''I'm fine. Why. Are you ok?''.

Once a woman asked me if my children had the same father. I said ''yes, why, do yours?''. She was VERY SHOCKED. I said I was just wondering why you'd ask.

If that was happening to me I'd be calling it abuse.

On a serious note, do you look morose? Maybe switch to something less customer facing as an option? Some people find customer service an absolute drain.

I agree it can be draining, but when he first started saying it I thought about it and really made sure I engaged with people and smiled, as they approached or walked past, I smile at him every time he walks past but if he catches me say talking on the phone or reading something (concentrating I guess) he'll make a big deal of it, looking to the team - and sometimes customers for a laugh at times too 'Cor she could smile couldn't she?!' etc.

I've looked at my face in the mirror and studied my passive expression and I have a bit of a 'heavy' face and my mouth has 'puppet' lines either side, and turns down naturally. I do have a tendency to hunch my shoulders at times and so I've worked on that too, making sure I stand straighter and have better posture, but he's not let up with it, it's like he's decided that's the way it is and I have no say in it, he tells me I'm miserable and regardless of how much praise I get from customers for being pleasant, attentive and kind hardly a day goes by where he's not making some comment or gesture about it.
It's really getting me down tbh - which is ironic!

OP, please watch this excellent video and think of it next time he asks :)

😂😂😂

That videos really good! And I may start smiling at him the way she does right at the start 🤣

I would ask him if he orders male colleagues to smile. And warn him that, if not, he is guilty of workplace harassment and sexism. Also, get in first - as soon as you spot him, tell him to smile. See how he likes it.
And, OP, I am very concerned that this bullying little shit is grinding down your self esteem. You have devoted whole paragraphs to insulting yourself and saying that you are ugly. I bet you are nothing of the sort, you are just internalising the abuse from the wee scrote who isn’t fit to wipe your shoes. Please stand tall, and don’t let the bastard get you down.

His treatment of you is sexist and ageist. Is there an HR department?

You've checked that everyone else is happy with you work, and his constant complaints are based solely on your appearance and the expectation that women look smiley at all times.

How old are you?
Why is 'resting bitch face' only an issue for women?
Why is it that men's resting faces are 'serious', 'focussed', yet women's faces are grumpy, sour etc.

He's a nasty piece of work, he's making you feel uncomfortable, you need to address it for the sexist ageist crap it is!

He's doing it in front of AND trying to involve customers and colleagues?!? Wow! That is most definitely bullying and you need to report it. What a sexist pig.
I bet you do feel bloody miserable now after having to put up with that. I have total sympathy, because I am naturally very pale and have translucent skin, so without make up I look like I've just been dug up 😂, and the constant "ooo are you ill" or "ooo you look knackered " gets in my tits. No, I'm not bloody ill, I just haven't got much slap on!

OP, you are not ugly. The only ugly thing is his terrible immature behaviour, he has a huge problem feeling the need to go on at you, but this doesn't help you. It sounds very intimidating. Hope you can get it sorted.

Unprofessional behaviour, workplace bullying

Please DON'T respond with a joke. He's out of order and needs to get challenged on it

As for the PP who suggested a non customer facing role, I'm speechless

“Stop commenting on my appearance. You’re being incredibly rude.”

I've just been watching a new series on netflix about a cult where the women and girls constantly have it drummed into them to "Keep sweet"
Women being told to smile and cheer up is all part of the same sexism

'Tell your face then!' does sound like bullying to me. Do you have an HR or a higher manager or anything? I'd log everything he says and be prepared to escalate it.

Sorry, didn't properly take in about your company not having HR and the managers being close etc.
I'd say, next time he says something, 'Personal comments are very rude and inappropriate.' Flat voice, level gaze. Hold your nerve. See what happens. If he pushes it, maybe think about approaching another manager anyway. They may possibly be astute enough to realise this could end badly for them. If not, then speak to a lawyer.

@GrumpynotGrumpy sorry only had time to read your post not any other responses.

you ask what you can do? Under the umbrella of Diversity, Equity and Inclusion, at the next team meeting, get the whole team to watch this TED talk and have someone facilitate a discussion on itEvery Day sexism

I have no advice but coming to say I have the exact same problem, not from one person but multiple! It's almost a daily occurrence.

People view me as moody when I'm not, I just look like that.

I had 4 comments along the lines of 'Smile!' or 'Cheer up love' yesterday and it really is giving me a complex.

Thanks all for the replies.

I'm 45 and no HR department.

I don't think that I'm insulting myself rather than being realistic about my appearance, though I also think that if I'm good at my job and I am, then my appearance shouldn't matter past being clean and tidy - which I am.
He's new to our department, transferred from another (which sounds quite official when in reality when the old manager left they couldn't recruit so he got the job) so I've known him a while but never worked with him.
As I said the rest of the team are young and I just get the feeling he's trying to manage me out or to another department because I don't fit in with the image he wants for that department, new broom and all that maybe.

I've had a few people say things socially in the past like I'm boring or quiet, introverted but never had a problem at work. I feel like he's got me over a barrel because it's something I can't do anything about because I'm not miserable and I actually quite enjoy my job.

I think it might be bullying, I've come at this from the pov that I'm the one with the problem and I need to fix it, but it's looking more now like he's a bit of a bully and he's found a target in me and he doesn't get stood up to.

I'm in tomorrow so I'll try and be a bit more assertive and maybe even ask for a 1 to 1 meeting to address it. I'm quite laid back but this is really affecting me.

There is no problem with you.