I'm ugly, not miserable!

[GrumpynotGrumpy]

One of my managers is really starting to genuinely upset me with the comments about my face and telling me how I feel.
"Come on smile!" "What's up with you" "You always look so grumpy" are a daily occurrence and tbh it's starting to get me down because I'm mostly absolutely fine, but well, I'm no oil painting and I think that's the issue, unless I'm actually smiling then I look miserable and I think he's kind of got a 'thing' about it now so looks for my expression and unless I'm actively smiling then it's all 'You're so miserable' I might be cleaning, emptying a bin, just about anything and I'll get told how I feel when 9/10 I'm fine, it's just my face isn't really that attractive and quite heavy, and I do think that I'd look even worse if I were to manically smile all the time, and it would be impossible to keep up, no one smiles 24/7.

I work in a customer facing role and so I get it about impressions and I actively smile and say hello when someone approaches my work area as I'm aware of my face, and sometimes I am caught unawares and someone approaches and I guess they see my resting face before I smile, but I do smile, make eye contact, engage with the customers, and I'd like to think that most people would realise when I smile, and am pleasant and friendly that actually I'm not miserable, just a bit ugly!

Ironically it's starting to make me feel miserable that I'm constantly being accused of being miserable when I'm not! And I'm now worrying about it because there's not an awful lot I can do about my face being like that and my manager really seems to have a bee in his bonnet about it.

I feel like I'm being accused of something that's not actually an issue, I'm not grumpy with colleagues or customers, I'm just a bit ugly and have a face that just looks the way it does unless it's animated. I feel like I'm being punished for being a bit ugly tbh and it's not about me changing my outlook or attitude because the way my face is isn't based on that, I can be speaking on the phone, looking at the screen or as I said emptying the bin and because I'm not actively smiling while doing it he's there telling me how I feel, and he's wrong most of the time!

Of course now I start getting tense and worried about it and that's not helping matters either!

Has anyone else experienced this and how did you combat it? I probably try harder to be upbeat and positive than most of my colleagues because of these comments but it doesn't seem to matter, unless I'm grinning like a Cheshire cat constantly (which would be weird in itself wouldn't it?!) then according to him I'm miserable and that's all there is to it, no matter how I actually feel and behave.

Or maybe I want to look cheerful when I look at myself in the mirror. Can women not choose how they want to look?

Well yes whataplanker but that's not what your post said

I agree do it for yourself - not to make yourself look
More agreeable to ignorant shots

Thanks for the support everyone, I chickened out was too busy on Saturday to say anything, but I did approach him yesterday after yet another comment, talking to another colleague about something and he must have caught me smiling because I got "What you done to make old misery here smile?" Hahahaha 🙄 so I followed him to a non customer area and asked if there was a problem with my work/demeanor, he was surprised and said no, I'm a good worker, a safe pair of hands and can be relied upon, so I asked why he constantly called me miserable and why he'd felt the need to say what he just had and that I found it quite humiliating. Apparently I'm a 'bit sensitive' to bring it up and he's only having a laugh and making sure I'm included because I might not feel like I am due to the rest of the team being younger than me and they might feel intimidated.
I said that I felt he was actually excluding me with what he was doing and I'd never had an issue with the team and had any of them said I intimidate them. He said no, it was just his impression and him trying to stop problems before they start.
He acted surprised, but the more I think about it the more I think he wasn't surprised at what I said, he was surprised I actually said anything at all, that I had the guts to.
Anyway, he said that he won't say anything anymore if it is a problem because he doesn't need problems within the team so early on and i just got the impression that now, he's earmarked me as a trouble causer.
My colleague said that he's the one intimidated, and that they all like working with me because I know what I'm doing and always help them when I can.
I think he's just got a problem with me tbh, I don't fit the 'image' he wants because my face doesn't fit, but I'm good at what I do and as he said himself, reliable and a safe pair of hands, so he's got nothing else to pick me up on.

Just have to see how things go I guess.

I think you need to talk to the owner and then follow up with an email to confirm what was discussed - a paper trail is a good thing to have. It lets everyone know that you are aware this is inappropriate behaviour and won't allow yourself to be manipulated out of your role. It also marks the manager's card.
I really wouldn't just leave this, you heed the owner to be aware that if their manager doesn't behave, the company could face some legal issues which they really don't want.
Don't threaten legal action, just keep the email succinct and unemotional - the owner will read the subtext without it being explicitly stated.
Contacting ACAS is good advice

This

Well done, OP. You handled that well. His patronising reply only having a laugh and about you being older - wtf! It sounds like he was scrambling.

I've just read your 2nd post what an Arse! He sounds so full of himself. Report him next time so he's not sorry he's caused offence to you just that he doesn't want the drama....the audacity of him!

Funny, I've caught myself saying to my little girl "are you ok sweetie, you look a bit sad" and she smiles and says I'm fine mommy it's just my face 😂 turns out she does just have big quite sad looking eyes, but thanks to this thread I'm going to actively make sure I don't say it anymore, hadn't even occurred to me she might get a complex about it and that's the last thing I want, she's absolutely beautiful! I've dropped the ball in that regard. So thanks for the inadvertent wake up call, op.

I'm glad you spoke up, OP.

Somehow you need to document this. Send yourself an email so the date/time is recorded.

Pull him up on it EVERY time. "I thought it was clear that you weren't to discuss my appearance or age, particularly in the presence of colleagues.."

He has a nerve trying to turn it around as him kindly trying to avoid issues when he is the one causing them!

Well done OP. You called him out. The quote from him is even nastier than I'd imagined, what a horrible person. Nobody respects someone who speaks to people like that. He sounds so far out of his depth if he thinks cruel banter is how you manage and motivate. People think management is innate but it's a professional skill and most people need training to do it well. From how you've told it I don't think he'll bother you in this way again. He'll probably move on to someone else. I can't imagine he'll last very long in the position.

Well done on speaking to him. Sounds like you handled it in a very professional manner.

I think he feels threatened by you because the rest of the team like and respect you and they don’t like or respect him. And you are older so have more experience in your job.

I know you think he has marked you out as a trouble maker. However I suspect he had previous marked you out as an easy target and now you’ve make him reconsider.

Hopefully he will stop all these comments now.

Well done on standing up to this rude man OP, was so pleased to read your update.
My husband has that kind of face where kids are a bit scared of him - even our ex neighbours used to HIDE in their hedge when it was him who came out and not me. He’s not miserable, he’s just got one of those faces that looks a bit angry when he’s actually giving no expression at all. Once you actually speak to him he’s absolutely fine. It’s just one of those things - you do not have to change your behaviour whatsoever. If you were smiling and dancing around when emptying a bin it would be seen as plain weird, so you just can’t win can you? He was just being an asshole to you and I hope by speaking to him you’ve resolved the problem. 👏👏

@WeAreTheHeroes i wondered that, I had an insecure line manager that used to insult me in front of the whole team about my health, my looks and me not having kids. I think I became her personal nail scratching post as she somehow felt threatened by me being half decent at my job. I mean, either that or she’s a bit of a sociopath

Oh op your update. Bingo. The sexist old pig is intimidated by you.

And he has revealed himself completely in what he said.

I was right about him then. OP make a note with time, date and place of this conversation and any of the previous time he has called you miserable. Note that your colleague reinforced that the team is not "intimidated" by you. If he says anything to you again along these lines, speak to the owner about him. A good manager would be grateful to have your skills and experience on the team. He is threatened by you because he's insecure, nothing more.

That should have said "previous times". Make a note of as many as you can recall.

I suspect you'll need to raise this again. When you do, please don't say you feel humiliated. That allows him to deflect by saying you are sensitive.

This isn't about how you feel, it's about his sexist and ageist bullying. It sounds as though your colleagues recognise it for what it is, too.

As PPs say, note the time and his response- which is itself problematic. He hasn't apologised for his inappropriate behaviour, he's said he'll stop 'as you have a problem with it and he doesn't need problems'. So you are the problem, apparently. He's said you are out of place in the team because you are older than them.

I'd consider escalating this straight away.

Agree with everything here. He's unfit and taking it out on you.

well done for speaking to him; I hope you can follow up and clarify in writing so that he knows that it was him being inappropriate, not you being overly sensitive.

I agree it tends to be done to women. But it isn't always men doing it - there was a thread here over the jubilee weekend about a woman seated in the royal box who looked miserable and never smiled, and how awful that was and how she should have tried to smile or pretended she was enjoying it or whatever in a way that people expected. It's frustrating for those of us whose faces do just look miserable when we are feeling utterly neutral or even cheerful! And who end up self-conscious or feeling ridiculous when we try really hard to look better, show the expressions people expect, etc, and it becomes a stressful game trying to predict if you're doing it right, are you doing it enough, does it look normal etc, and then you lose sight of what you are actually feeling, or whether you are really living in the present and taking in what is in front of you - in her case, the parade. All people wanted was for her to smile and laugh and look like she was enjoying it - they didn't really care whether she was or wasn't.

Well done, OP, you handled that really well. Let's hope he stfu in future...

I'd also talk to the owner and follow things up with an email comfirming what has been said, just so you have a paper trail, should you need one.