I'm ugly, not miserable!

[GrumpynotGrumpy]

One of my managers is really starting to genuinely upset me with the comments about my face and telling me how I feel.
"Come on smile!" "What's up with you" "You always look so grumpy" are a daily occurrence and tbh it's starting to get me down because I'm mostly absolutely fine, but well, I'm no oil painting and I think that's the issue, unless I'm actually smiling then I look miserable and I think he's kind of got a 'thing' about it now so looks for my expression and unless I'm actively smiling then it's all 'You're so miserable' I might be cleaning, emptying a bin, just about anything and I'll get told how I feel when 9/10 I'm fine, it's just my face isn't really that attractive and quite heavy, and I do think that I'd look even worse if I were to manically smile all the time, and it would be impossible to keep up, no one smiles 24/7.

I work in a customer facing role and so I get it about impressions and I actively smile and say hello when someone approaches my work area as I'm aware of my face, and sometimes I am caught unawares and someone approaches and I guess they see my resting face before I smile, but I do smile, make eye contact, engage with the customers, and I'd like to think that most people would realise when I smile, and am pleasant and friendly that actually I'm not miserable, just a bit ugly!

Ironically it's starting to make me feel miserable that I'm constantly being accused of being miserable when I'm not! And I'm now worrying about it because there's not an awful lot I can do about my face being like that and my manager really seems to have a bee in his bonnet about it.

I feel like I'm being accused of something that's not actually an issue, I'm not grumpy with colleagues or customers, I'm just a bit ugly and have a face that just looks the way it does unless it's animated. I feel like I'm being punished for being a bit ugly tbh and it's not about me changing my outlook or attitude because the way my face is isn't based on that, I can be speaking on the phone, looking at the screen or as I said emptying the bin and because I'm not actively smiling while doing it he's there telling me how I feel, and he's wrong most of the time!

Of course now I start getting tense and worried about it and that's not helping matters either!

Has anyone else experienced this and how did you combat it? I probably try harder to be upbeat and positive than most of my colleagues because of these comments but it doesn't seem to matter, unless I'm grinning like a Cheshire cat constantly (which would be weird in itself wouldn't it?!) then according to him I'm miserable and that's all there is to it, no matter how I actually feel and behave.

OP, good for you. Honestly if I was behaving like this to a colleague I would consider myself a bully. Not only that he sounds about 12 years old. He needs to either drop it or ask you in a genuine serious concerned way if there is anything troubling you. When you say 'no' he needs to grow up and listen. He needs a massive wake up call re his appalling behaviour.

Oh god, how rude. I had this with a woman colleague, she’d walk past every day, say smile, or, are you ok, you look so unhappy

untik one day I spun aroun on my chair and yelled IM NOT MISERABLE, THIS IS MY FACE

am I supposed to go around smiling like a lunatic ? Ffs

I've had this to luckily not a work though. A man i used to know kept saying it and it really seemed to bother him. Honestly now I don't care that I'm ugly, I used to but I'm in my 40s I just don't care what people think. I would complain about him at work tho.

This is bullying to me. He sounds like a sexist arse. If he’s doing it in front of others, I’d wonder if he’s trying to isolate you. What he’s doing is unacceptable, so I’d be emailing his boss, and putting your case for bullying. I’d also try and record every instance of him doing this, or keep a written record.
I doubt that you’re ugly, most of us have a resting bitch face, and provided that it’s not in your contact to be smiling inanely all the time, I’d take this further, he’s undermining your confidence. Not on at all.💐

I'd escalate this to his manager.

I have a resting bitch face and used to constantly get "cheer up - it might never happen" comments. I do now make a conscious effort to "switch on' my face. I am also very short sighted and years of squinting had left me with those l l frown lines between my eyebrows which can make me look like I'm frowning when I'm not so I'm hoping to have a little botox just there when i have some spare cash to get rid of them in an effort to make my face look more generally cheerful!

This makes me really sad to read - he is eroding your confidence and your sense of self-worth when in fact you are doing NOTHING wrong. It’s workplace bullying, if he doesn’t tell the men to cheer up and to smile, it’s sexism, and it’s very worrying that you don’t feel you have anyone to escalate it to.

Please recognise that it is his problem, not yours, and if you feel confident enough to talk about it with him, confront him on that basis - you’ve noticed that this has now become a repeated pattern on his part even though you’ve confirmed that there is nothing wrong with the way you do your job; that you feel this is now becoming workplace bullying, and how does he suggest that it gets resolved so that you can do your job without further bullying or harassment?

This page gives the definition of workplace bullying, so you can confidently state that this IS taking place (picking on or regularly undermining someone).

Perhaps your manager is gently trying to tell you that you are bringing the rest of the team down and to make
more of an effort despite your “resting face”!

He could be reasonably say that he is enquiring after her well being. As any good manager would do

Just say I'm cursed with bitchy resting face and change the subject?

Perhaps the manager is trying to work up a case for moving or dismissing the OP, based on the image of her he has created in his own mind. The team are hearing and seeing this, and it will become part of established 'knowledge', 'Oh, OP always looks so miserable, never smiles, isn't like the rest of us, customers aren't comfortable...' Managers can be manipulative.

Please understand that you aren't ugly, most middle-aged women suffer from resting bitch face. Our normal neutral expression just looks a bit grumpy as gravity takes its toll.

He's being a sexist, ageist bully, the question is what you do about it.

I would definitely try to share the everyday sexism video linked above if you can.

Can you respond differently to put the focus on him? Or cultivate a really inane crazy grin that you can plaster on whenever he is near so that he is bound to ask WTF and you can point out that you are following instructions, in the hope that he eventually gets the message that your facial expression is your own business.

In a normal customer facing role, eg a shop, reception, customer service type job an inane grin is unnecessary, the important thing is your manner with the customers. If you work as a Disney Princess at Disney World on the other hand then maybe you need to embrace the fixed but vacant smile........

most middle-aged women suffer from resting bitch face

Because of our life experience. We know the kind of shite 'they' are up to. 😂

Does he say the same to men in his team? I bet not. It's a misogynistic comment. Tell him to stop, that he's not helping, that you're not there to be decorative or to smile at him. Then talk to HR.

Exactly!

Op, you have had great responses on here and I hope they have made you feel better.

Trust us, the problem here is with your nasty little boss, not with you or your work, so don't worry about that!

Why are buying into his crap? He's bullying the OP and she clearly has good working relationships with her colleagues as she's asked them and they've said how good she is at her role.

Just thinking about this - he's got the manager job by default. He is likely to be insecure about his own fit for the role and having to learn a lot. He may view the OP as a potential threat due to her experience and skill. That's why he's picking on her. He may not even realise fully what he's doing.

Love that video, @StellaAndCrow !

”Come on smile!" "What's up with you" "You always look so grumpy" are a daily occurrence

This is a ‘good manager’ ‘enquiring after her well being’? You must have worked in some awful places, famagusta, if this is what you regard as good management rather than bullying.

"Repeatedly commenting on my appearance is inappropriate and illegal. Please stop immediately."

Get a notebook and log every occurrence, and let him see you doing so.

Go to the owners if necessary. Or a solicitor. He's bullying and abusive.

I've been bullied at work and the toll it takes on your mental health is horrendous, it slowly erodes over time and takes a long time to get back.

Take action now before it gets even worse. Bullies hate confrontation and being called out. I hope you're able to say something today.

ACAS helpline is really good for advice.

That's really good of you to make so much effort to make your face pleasing for others to look at

Well I have a resting bitch face especially after seeing all those perfect teeth in the video!

Exactly. Men don't get told this. He's being sexist.