If you used to be a people-pleaser but aren't any more, how did you do it?

[EL2022]

I want to be more assertive in my life - eg, only doing things that interest me and saying no to those that don't. I am getting a bit better at saying no, but then ruminate/ dwell and think they probably won't like me any more and maybe I should have accepted as they were good enough to ask me. Any tips welcome!

Try the books "Please yourself" by Emma Reed Turrell and "The courage to be disliked" (I forget the author but you'll find it on Amazon or just a Google search.

I hit 40 and suddenly realised I didn’t care what people think of me any more. Getting older is shit in so many ways, but that’s the one silver lining.

Just stopped caring what people thought!

Ask yourself whether you want to spend the rest of your life sucking up to people you neither like nor respect in case they dislike you for non-compliance? Is your self-esteem so low that you view yourself as only valued by others as a type of service animal? Do you really want relationships you have to ‘buy’ with compliance?

I retired and decided I had had enough of pandering to other people. Now I do what I like and not what others want or expect me to do. It feels very liberating but has taken a long time to accept that I don't have to conform to the demands of others. And if they don't like then tough ! I think the menopause has helped change my attitude and now I don't care !

It goes deep, it’s how you were conditioned to behave and it’s difficult to change unless you have the tools, so to speak.

I did it but it took me 1:1 therapy, group therapy and I had little workbooks that I reviewed constantly.

I used to get myself into knots worrying about other people but I am now one of those people who pleases themselves.

So you can definitely do it but it would be easier for you if you have support because you need to change your mindset and patterns of behaviour.

Maybe Google for an assertiveness or boundary setting workbook and also try to find a buddy. I teamed up with another woman and we’d encourage each other, even checking each other’s texts before sending a no thank you. To someone who doesn’t have this problem it would seem unbelievable but it really feels like being trapped in a sticky swamp.

Or "The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck" by Sarah Knight.

It basically tells you to sort your life into things you are bothered about, and the things/people you don't give a fuck about. Also it does get easier as you get older.

I watched my cat, and learned!

My oldest friend and I agreed to do this together, she has a massive circle of friends acquired over the years and always found herself over committed. Me far less so but I'd still agree to stuff I didn't really want to do. We promised ourselves that instead of declining and making excuses, we'd be honest (to a point). So I've turned down a couple of theatre trips as I don't enjoy watching musicals, also an invite to the races as I don't agree with horse racing. And the occasional low key invite on the basis I was too tired from work, or it wasn't really in budget that month. Everyone appreciates the openness and then when I do accept invites, it all the more enjoyable. I think being honest is key, people know when you're making excuses

I had a kid, moved away from my old group of friends and realised I was a grown up and could do what I wanted!!

For those who have successfully done this, did you upset anyone in the process?

I got divorced.

Menopause.... definitely menopause.

The past year has been enlightening, people really don't mind if you just say no, can't do that. You don't need to change your plans to fit in with others all the time. etc, etc, etc....

Who cares? That's the idea of "not giving a fuck". You don't do stuff to upset your nearest and dearest who you do give a fuck about. If if some randomer or an acquaintance who you don't value as a friend who cares whether they are upset or not?

it's not about being rude. It's about politely enforcing boundaries.

I’m not sure that I upset anyone but it did force relationship reshuffles. Friends used to calling the shots had to contend with my new voice and that was surprising to them. A couple of my friendships did not survive the process as I stopped letting them push me round (after I finally gained perspective and could see it wasn’t a healthy friendship) but others have become better. It’s such a nice feeling to know what you do and don’t want, so much anxiety falls away. So many times in the past people have become impatient with me and said, “Just say what you want!” I’d have to pretend because I actually never knew what I wanted, I had no connection to my feelings until they were overwhelming.

My mum was queen of not giving two shits what people think. When she died , I adopted the same attitude. Keeping her spirit alive as it were.

I'm still in the process of becoming more assertive and less of a people pleaser.
It's taken a lot of 1:1 therapy and group sessions but I'm getting there. Ive come to realise I can't please everyone and have a DD now so decisions have to be made based on her and my happiness now, not other peoples. Some people don't agree with my decisions anymore because it's not what they think/want me to do and I respect their opinion however they need to respect my decisions, they don't have to like them but they do need to respect them!!!
It's hard but does get easier

Definitely menopause. I need estrogen to give a fuck.

For me it was a gradual process. I just started saying no to the bigger things and went from there. Yes, some people dropped off when they realised they couldn't use me, but I realised I didn't miss them as much as I thought I would.

Big tip: never explain yourself. Just say "sorry I'm not able to do that". Most won't ask why, because it's rude.

Those that do are cheeky fucks. If they ask why just say you're busy and walk away/change the subject. Only the truly cheeky fucks will persist and you don't want those people in your life anyway if they decide to get pissy about it. Most in this category get pissy but won't actually cut you out. They just learn you're no longer a source of usefulness to them.

I read once that people pleasing isn't really about pleasing other people at all, it's actually about pleasing yourself because you want people to think you're a nice/accommodating/compliant person. You are also reaping the benefits of whatever it is you do to please others because you get to maintain the 'good person' image that you want to protect. I think that is generally at the root of a lot of people pleasing. If it was true altruistic desire to help others, it would come from a different place. I suffer from this too by the way, and this helped me put it into perspective.

I don’t think that’s what it is at all. It isn’t about being liked, it’s the terror of what might happen if you say no. In real life nothing much happens, people say “Oh, ok” but in the mind of a people pleaser there’s a fear that’s white in intensity. I know for me it was to do with my upbringing, we were cast out of the family if we disagreed with our mother so it was a very real fear of abandonment.

You need to be prepared to lose the people that can't adjust to the 'new you', there will be plenty of people around you that are used to your 'pleasing', and won't be at all happy when you change.

You might be accused of being selfish, or 'changing' or no longer as 'nice', but trust me what you receive in return is a life that is not spent being drained of energy, money and time doing things you hate/have no interest in. There will be extra resources to do things that bring you pleasure, relaxation and enjoyment.

You will definitely lose friends, family members might object but only in the short term. You will find friends that respect the fact you have your own choices.

No, mine was down to fear that someone would be angry at me. I happily helped (and still do) some people which probably makes you feel good if you think about it, but previously I would literally do anything anyone asked me even if it ruined my own plans or put me under a lot of pressure through fear - it certainly wasn't a pleasant emotion and I felt used. I would say it's directly linked to low self esteem and lack of self respect.

To stop 'people pleasing' (and it was very hard!) I started to say no to little things that people could do themselves or get someone else to do so I felt less guilty saying no. Then I realised that most people I knew didn't go out their way for me and I was never angry at them so I started reminding myself that I could also say no and they wouldn't be mad - and if they were, I didn't need them in my life!

It is hard but not as scary as you think once you start and I didn't lose any friends. Turned out I always had good friends, they just had better boundaries than me!

I was told when I hit 40 I’d stop giving a shit.

It was true.

If you’re not 40 yet then just wait a bit, if you’re already 40 or over you need to buck up. You’re late!!

@22N not knowing what you want really resonates with me, I always thought I was easy going but actually choice cripples me. By myself I never know what I want but if some says “X or Y?” I’m thinking what do they want? What do they want me to say?

Do you know what you feel? Like if I asked you now, could you describe how you feel? It took me 2 yrs of hard graft to learn to identify feelings then make a decision based on that feeling. Does that sound familiar? (It’s ok if it doesn’t 😂)