If you used to be a people-pleaser but aren't any more, how did you do it?

[EL2022]

I want to be more assertive in my life - eg, only doing things that interest me and saying no to those that don't. I am getting a bit better at saying no, but then ruminate/ dwell and think they probably won't like me any more and maybe I should have accepted as they were good enough to ask me. Any tips welcome!

I said no to my siblings and that was the end of the relationship, one of them begged me to change my mind but I refused. I knew deep down my relationship with them was conditional on my compliance which was why I didn’t say no and I’d the reason why I often don’t say no. I don’t regret saying no though - the reality was that they did not bring joy into my life, my heart would sink and I would get a massive feeling of dread every time one of them contacted me and it was time to walk away. I’m getting better at seeing things like that. But I’ve got some way to go

I absolutely do not. Never mind confusing thirst for hunger. My main coping mechanism is sleeping, I think I feel best just before I go to sleep because then the pressures off. I’ve also retyped this 3 times because I don’t know if I’m being honest or telling you what I think you what to hear.

After saying no, without an excuse, the first time, things tumble into place.

Dh is like this - it’s totally infuriating because his feelings catch up with him when it’s often too late to reverse. I end up grilling him about whether his yes actually means yes or he wants it to be yes. That helps because it gives him permission to say no or at least I don’t know - which is better than a people pleasing yes but really mean no.

'I absolutely do not. Never mind confusing thirst for hunger. My main coping mechanism is sleeping, I think I feel best just before I go to sleep because then the pressures off'

I cannot recommend psychotherapy enough. People will tell you to just stop giving a fuck and all the rest of it, but for some of us it's just not that easy. As other posters have said, this stuff goes very deep and is to do with lessons you learned very early in life. I found having professional support absolutely invaluable for understanding myself better, understanding where behaviours like people pleasing come from, and over time making changes that brought me a lot of peace

Oh I have always retreat to bed too!
I actually didn’t know what people were talking about when they said things like, “I don’t feel like it today.” To me you just did what was n the calendar. I only knew something was wrong when I got upset so to everyone around me it was as though I went from 0 to 100 in seconds. My therapist told me I’d probably been sitting at 90 for years.

So the way I did it was talk therapy although that was very challenging bc she’d ask me how I felt and I would just say what I’d been doing. She referred me to a group for women run by two therapists and we studied boundary setting, oh I can’t think what else but it was 12 sessions and every week we did a different subject.

Then I got referred to something called Trauma Sensitive Yoga which was for 10 women and again, run by 2 therapist/yoga instructors. It’s a bit hard to describe but whatever they got us doing triggered powerful feelings. They would talk all the way through and gradually you’d realise that your body was giving signals of comfort/discomfort etc.
It was a lot to take in but after 6 months I knew I didn’t need to go anymore, that I could feel what my body was telling me.
Life is so much easier now. When I feel a bit agitated I know what to do to calm down, when I’m feeling a bit bleak I know what works to lift my mood.

I wish I could describe it better and help you access this help because it really has been life changing. X

ps. I think hunger is often a sign of thirst. At least that’s what the midwife told me!

For me, turning 40 was the pivotal point and it just sort of happened that I cared less about what people thought of me and became more assertive and more strict on my boundaries. I used to be a mega people pleaser though.

Didn’t consciously do anything. It gradually evolved with the responsibilities of parenthood (ie having to say no on behalf of other people) and then with age.

Menopause waved a magic wand and I suddenly stopped caring what other people thought.

But if you want it to happen sooner (I would) read the books PP suggest. And withdraw from things you no longer choose to do with some vague but finite phrases like 'I've realised this isn't right for me' or 'I'm scaling down on lots of things to focus my attention on X'. Don't give excuses that let others come back to you. E.g. don't say, 'I can't do Wednesdays anymore' because people will say, 'We moved the meeting to Friday for you.' Make sure you withdraw from stuff in a way that gives no comeback.

Definitely age and menopause, but I watched a tiktok recently, hear me out haha! It really resonated with me.

She said the difference between being nice and being a people pleaser is you're only doing it because you're afraid of how the other person will react to you. I found that very liberating because it helped me think about are the people I'm trying to please worth it? And what's the worse that can happen?

You know you’ve successfully done this when you can live with knowing that if someone’s upset by you not spoiling your life to make their life easier for them then that’s OK. It’s the upset person who is being unreasonable, not you. That’s the very definition of success.

I’m a slightly reformed people pleaser - not completely cured but much improved. 1:1 counselling has really helped (I can recommend my counsellor)

I found this helpful.

Thanks for all the great advice. I think my issue stems from low self-esteem, which was always there, but dented further by a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man and subsequent discarding by him. A couple of acquaintances have come back into my life recently with suggestions of "we must meet up", but I'm really not interested and would rather spend my time with those I consider good friends and also family. I'm actually not interested in expanding my social circle now; in fact, I'm trying to narrow it now and want quality over quantity!

I knew deep down my relationship with them was conditional on my compliance which was why I didn’t say no.

This^ I finally realised what the dynamic of the 'friendship' or acquaintanceship etc was. I had a cold hard chat with myself. You're only acceptable to them for what you bring or offer to them. They don't want or need anything else. You're letting them use you so you get their attention. As for actually seeing you as a person. Nope. But then, you don't really want that do you ? Why do you allow yourself to be used like this ? Martyr complex ?

Develop some self respect I told myself and learn to say no. Then they will disappear from your life. Good. So I end up with no friends ? No, you lose people who smirk and take advantage of your good nature. Give/get. What are you getting ? Well, friendships don't work like that. Really ? Mutual respect. Where's that ?

I don’t regret saying no though - the reality was that they did not bring joy into my life, my heart would sink and I would get a massive feeling of dread every time one of them contacted me

This^. It's interesting. Sometimes those friends that you need to lose don't take much persuading from you as in: my relationship with them was conditional on my compliance

Understanding that it's part of a stress response. Some people go into fight or flight, others into freeze or fawn. Fawn would be considered people pleasing.

I also think that it's like a pendulum and that you might have to be prepared go through cycles of going into fight or flight (the nasty anxious adrenalin driven feelings, not actual fighting) before your body can settle happily in the middle with a more neutral physical response when the situations that provoke this response arrive.
Really running into my body and understanding what the physical sensations are and what feelings are begging them and how to help. Someone mentioned yoga - I find box breathing very good ( in 4, hold 4, out 4, hold 4. It's the out part that can calm heart rate etc... ) Plus it gives me something to focus on if I'm stuck ruminating.

Also like a pendulum, stressed out no's can come across quite harsh at first while we've got lots of physical stress responses going on in our body, but with time we can swing into a no that feels comfortable and comes across without that later of our stress.

Trying things little by little. Tuning in to my feelings and needs so I actually know what they are.... Often I can't know in the moment so I've learnt to buy time to think about things.

Yes, saying 'no' upsets some people and I sometimes find myself ruminating over if only I'd said it better/differently there might be a better/different outcome.
Realising that we can't control other people's responses and that the majority of time it's because of their triggers/needs has helped.
I think my social circle can generally withstand those knocks now.

I'm fascinated that people just suddenly flipped to doing the opposite one day. For me is been a gradual easing and stretching, still in progress and so worth it.

Combination of two things:

1. being taken advantage of one too many times

2. menopause

get some stock phrases ready and only do things you want to do.

I am a work in progress but getting better.

Basically I got tired of being taken advantage of. For me it tends to be that I put up with things and put up with things and put up with things then something snaps and I am done. In one case it has taken 18 years of my generosity, time, goodwill and money being taken for granted before I snapped. In the other it took about 6 years. But it has had a knock on effect that I am more prepared to just say 'no'. To things I do not want to do. To people I am tired of saying yes to.

It is bloody liberating.

I was the most terrible people pleaser. Constantly doing things I didn't want to for the sake of others. I think for me it stemmed from a lack of confidence. I wanted people to approve of me. I always felt I was wrong and they were right so of course I should just do what they want me to. After all, what did I know?

As others have said a change came about me in my 40s. It was a gradual change and I didn't DO anything. I just accepted who I was over time. I accepted that my needs mattered as much as anyone else's . I stopped caring so much about what others think of me. One example is that I used to spend a month staying at my in-laws every summer! They live abroad and I did it to please rhem, because they missed us and don't get to see us a lot. For me a month is too long. I love them and they're so kind to me but I need space, I need to be in my own house. I used to dread each summer. Now I've just said I never want to go for more than 2 weeks. That's my limit. DH and kids can stay longer but I need to look after myself as well as pleasing his family. It's great!! They understand. The world hasn't ended. I now look forward to summers. Once you start looking after your own needs it becomes very rewarding and motivates you to keep doing it.

I realised pleasing everyone else often gave me a raw deal or I was doing things I generally didn't want to do. I'm still kind to people, just say no a bit more! And as I've gotten older I've cared a lot less about what other people think.

I realised that the people I was hollowing myself out to help, or feared their reaction if I said 'no' wouldn't give a second though to me or my needs.

(I must thank the covert narcissist friend who I could never do enough for even if I'd left Legoland early to babysit her children on Star Wars day, before the procession for over 24 hours in an emergency, and cooked her a stupendous roast dinner for when she returned home after. I had to do this in her home - so her children felt ok, and never mind my 2...)

Apparently I didn't tidy the toys away to her satisfaction.

This was a bit extreme - as she was ultra demanding and turned out to be very unkind about me behind my back, saying outright lies, which another friend called her out on. But it taught me that very often people pleasing goes only one way. I guess I found a moral balance on what seemed 'fair' with my time and effort. I'll be generous - more with time/effort than money we all only have so much, and I don't require praise or gushing thanks, but if anyone expects favours, or seems irked if I say no, I'm pretty much done with helping them again.

It was a lightbulb moment. This was in my 30s, but now I'm 50 I no longer have ANY fucks to give (except to very dear friends and family) and it is amazingly liberating.

Probably when my father passed away.
He was kind, honest and generous but nobody’s fool and he took no shit.
He said if you were an angel sent to earth, you would still not please everyone and some people would dislike you for no reason.

I used to bend over backwards and be walked over by so called friends and work colleagues when I was in my twenties. I wouldn’t say boo to a goose. It got me nowhere! I just thought “sod this for a game of soldiers, I’m done”.

It was about 5 months before dh and I got married.

Mil was throwing her toys out of the pram about things to do with the wedding and I had had enough it & of trying to please everyone - I thought ‘it’s mine and dhs bloody wedding, not yours, we are paying for it, so sod off!’

I started standing up for myself and would be very matter of fact about things, so no room for people not to understand what I meant or wanted.

I just started being honest and direct about things. I would say things like ‘no, that doesn’t work for me’ or ‘I don’t agree with you on that’

People like my older sister and mil were not used to me disagreeing or saying no, I think it was a shock for them, especially mil. The more I did it, the easier it became and I felt very empowered by it. I still do.

I honestly don’t care about what people think anymore.
I was always worried about hurting someone’s feelings or confrontation, but if you constantly try to people please and keep the peace, you only end up resentful of those people, which was causing me to dislike and actively avoid being around them.

There comes a point when you think ‘ what about my feelings?’ ‘What do I want?’

The thing is, my lovely mum has never been a people pleaser, she definitely doesn’t care what people think about her & my parents didn’t bring me up to be a people pleaser, so I’m not sure why I was when I was younger. It was just part of my personality I think.

I hit the age of 46 and just decided that I would do what I wanted. I have seen people on here as an example saying oh no skinny jeans are out of fashion what am I going to wear …. Like seriously just wear the jeans u want to wear. Who cares. I don’t look at people in the street thinking …. Oh dear they are wearing skinny jeans how out of fashion.

I don’t do things now I don’t want to. I also am much happier because of this as social occasions made me unhappy.
I do think it comes with age though as a few years ago I wouldn’t have thought this. Now I just don’t care. It is not my job to make other people happy by pleasing them.

On the flip side - I think dh and I are both natural people pleasers and that has made us very happy with each other - neither takes advantage.

A psychic told me once that I deserved better. The day after this I went in to town with those words firmly implanted in my head.

I was in a queue at a bank when someone pushed in front of me. The old me wouldn’t have said anything. The new assertive me challenged her. I was expecting her to apologise and go to her rightful place at the back of a relatively long slow queue (which is what I would by do) But no.

’I will only be a second’ was the reply.
Well, I couldn’t back down now could I?
so I replied ‘ Well, I will only be a second too. Get to the back!’
I was drawing attention at this stage as the staff were beginning to come over. My heart was racing. I suddenly had back up and they sent her to the back. It felt sooo good.

I started being assertive more and more after that and it soon felt natural to speak up. I probably wouldn’t challenge people pushing in a queue anymore as I wouldn’t feel it worth the agro but I would definitely challenge things that were important to me.

I think that it’s really important for my mental health to feel like I have some control over my life and that is one thing that changed for me after I stopped trying to please people.

Definitely menopause. I need estrogen to give a fuck. This, absolutely. At 48 I no longer have the patience for people that I used to have and I certainly don't intend to put myself out if it doesn't suit me. I now say no and there's been no fall-out, happy days