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Original poster

If you used to be a people-pleaser but aren't any more, how did you do it?

58 replies

EL2022 · 09/06/2022 07:01

I want to be more assertive in my life - eg, only doing things that interest me and saying no to those that don't. I am getting a bit better at saying no, but then ruminate/ dwell and think they probably won't like me any more and maybe I should have accepted as they were good enough to ask me. Any tips welcome!

OP posts:
Pregnantcity · 09/06/2022 14:11

Useyourfork · 09/06/2022 14:07

A psychic told me once that I deserved better. The day after this I went in to town with those words firmly implanted in my head.

I was in a queue at a bank when someone pushed in front of me. The old me wouldn’t have said anything. The new assertive me challenged her. I was expecting her to apologise and go to her rightful place at the back of a relatively long slow queue (which is what I would by do) But no.

’I will only be a second’ was the reply.
Well, I couldn’t back down now could I?
so I replied ‘ Well, I will only be a second too. Get to the back!’
I was drawing attention at this stage as the staff were beginning to come over. My heart was racing. I suddenly had back up and they sent her to the back. It felt sooo good.

I started being assertive more and more after that and it soon felt natural to speak up. I probably wouldn’t challenge people pushing in a queue anymore as I wouldn’t feel it worth the agro but I would definitely challenge things that were important to me.

I think that it’s really important for my mental health to feel like I have some control over my life and that is one thing that changed for me after I stopped trying to please people.

I find it relatively easy to be assertive with people I have no relationship with - I don't have to deal with the consequences - it's friends, family and colleagues I struggle with.

FearlessFreddie · 09/06/2022 14:16

ChagSameachDoreen · 09/06/2022 07:40

Try the books "Please yourself" by Emma Reed Turrell and "The courage to be disliked" (I forget the author but you'll find it on Amazon or just a Google search.

I opened this thread to recommend the ERT book. It's really excellent. Quite a challenging read if your perception of yourself as a people pleaser is just that you're a bit too nice and get walked over, as it makes various arguments about how people pleasing is harmful for the people around you, not just for you.

Flatandhappy · 09/06/2022 14:22

As you get older I think it happens fairly naturally, you get more comfortable in your own skin and get less worried about what other people think. I always described it as losing your filter. For me add in a cancer diagnosis and I seriously couldn’t give a flying fuck what people think of me.

SunnyLobelia · 09/06/2022 14:43

I also think I have come recently to the realisation that I was being a better friend to other people. This was really brought home to me during covid. If friends got covid I would ask them if I could help in any way such as doing shopping etc. I did a number of shops, ferried the elderly mother of a friend to two doctor appointments, took dogs for walks, did the school run for another friend etc, because they had covid or they had covid in the house.

When my DCs got covid (one of whom is clinically vulnerable) all of these people knew that we were in that situation and not a single one of these friends offered to help in any way- or in fact even 'checked in' to see how we were in the entire time. Not even a facebook message. As ut happened we did not need help, but the fact none of them even asked how we were going.

I have done a bit of a mental review of these friendships. I have done alot of mental review of what time I am preapred to give others.

Plus the menopause is underway. Except for my own loved ones I have few fucks left to give.

goldfinchonthelawn · 09/06/2022 22:44

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 09/06/2022 09:28

I was told when I hit 40 I’d stop giving a shit.

It was true.

If you’re not 40 yet then just wait a bit, if you’re already 40 or over you need to buck up. You’re late!!

You got inearly. It didn;t hit me until 55 - menopause. But it is such a lovely, liberating feeling.

Watchkeys · 09/06/2022 22:50

Realising that saying no isn't hurtful, and that if someone makes you feel bad for saying it, it says a lot about them (mainly that you should minimise their involvement in your life)

Anon1717 · 10/06/2022 00:03

Went to therapy for 8 months:

  • Stopped feeling responsible for my destructive ex.
  • Changed jobs. I used to spend 80% of the day helping people with their work, then stayed until late at night and came in at weekends to do my own. Now I work from home and get my own stuff done. Pay increase too.

I've still got to improve on this. A few people have lost contact since I stopped being so useful to them. No loss.

Titan1964 · 06/05/2024 20:21

I’ve just hit 60 and I don’t care what people think anymore. It’s now about me.

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